new year's eve

so it's new year's eve
like next year will be different
have mercy on me

exist

nothing goes right
day after day
night after night
what can I say
all I ask of life
is to give me a break
but all life ever does
is make more mistakes
I close my eyes
I clench my fists
give me a reason
to exist

a wise man once said
when you are stuck
what always surrounds you
is bad luck
and bad luck
is all I've got
I say to life
thanks a lot
give me razor blades
to slash my wrists
give me a reason
to exist

I have no more hope
to settle my mind
peace in my heart
I cannot find
it's all just hopeless
and hopeless I am
help me get out
of this life that's damned
I cry when I think
of the life I have missed
give me a reason 
to exist

when Christmas is done

when Christmas is done
I can get all sad and blue
but next year will come

make it stop

stop
just fuckin' stop
with your incessant talking
snap, crackle, pop
I don't need you
taking every minute
with your voice
always within it
moving upwards 
until it reaches the top
make it stop

stop
your moving mouth
your lips and tongue
flapping north and south
there is nothing
halfway local
about your
never-ending vocals
I'll call the cops
make it stop

          life would be perfect
          if you'd never begin
          your one-sided
          conversation again

stop
make it end
and you wonder why
you don't have any friends
silence is a virtue
it's one you don't have
give me just one second
let me learn to laugh
without your slop
make it stop

I am very grateful

How was your Christmas? Did you have fun?

It was very nice, farmboy. Thank you for asking. How was your Christmas?\

It was very good. It was very mellow and there weren't any problems. Christmas dinner was fun -- it was lasagna, which I love -- and the company was good. The presents were good, too, but for some reason I'm uncomfortable with the gifts. In feel like it's always been the number one thing during this time of year, and it shouldn't. It should be an extra. But let's not go there.

I am very grateful. I know that there have been years when Christmas has had a great deal of sadness surrounding it. It's so hard, in a way; there's always expectations and hurt feelings and stuff you can't really plan for, like getting snowed in for Christmas Day and not seeing another human being.

Yes, I remember when that happened. That was terrible. You were filled with rage and bitterness for over a week.

Nine days, to be exact. 

But this year wasn't like that. There were plenty of opportunities for triggers, believe me. I got a couple of sources of really fuckin' bad news right before Christmas, but that didn't ruin it for me. I kinda just went along for Christmas this year, and it worked out fine.

Are you sad that it's over, farmboy?

A little bit. I always feel sad when Christmas is over and everything is back to normal. I like all the lights and playing Christmas carols on the guitar, like I've done since I was a teenager. That's my private holiday tradition. That and eating tamales.

So it's been a good Christmas and I am very thankful. It's been mellow, and that's getting to be the way I like it. Very few hassles, good food, people around. I love Christmas. I'm so glad it was a good one.

I worry

I worry
all the time
there is never a moment
when my mind
is at peace
inside my head
is always a hanging
sense of dread
that everything
will turn out wrong
whatever I do
will not belong
I take myself
with a grain of salt
because I know
it's all my fault
I throw my happiness
out the front door
so I can sit
and worry some more

Christmas haiku

hey, Merry Christmas!
just for tonight, may there be
peace in the world

Christmas Day

come midnight
bells will ring
announcing the birth
of our baby king
peace in the valley
is coming our way
it's Christmas Day

come morning
children will rise
see all the lights
they won't believe their eyes
the songs that they sing
the words that they say
it's Christmas Day

          forget all the hassles
          forget all your fears
          your home is your castle
          Christmas is here

come evening
cup of decaf in your hand
the love for each other
is spreading through this land
don't you worry
it's going to be okay
it's Christmas Day

It's what I do best

So Christmastime is here and I'm trying to not get all stressed out. I'm cleaning my apartment because the apartment people will be checking my smoke detectors and the place is a total mess. I got a letter informing me that my therapist may no longer be my therapist. Christmas dinner is turning into an unnecessary hassle, and my prescription for Klonopin is late. It's all stuff that will get worked out, but, man, the fuckin' timing of this shit, I don't know.

The phrase "it's all stuff that will get worked out" is the most important part about what you just said, farmboy. Your apartment will get clean, Christmas dinner will happen, and you'll get your meds. Don't worry. You've been worrying a lot this Christmas.

It's what I do best. I've had lots of practice. And speaking about practicing, when am I supposed to practice, huh? 

It's two days before Christmas! Give yourself a break! 

Seriously, farmboy, you've got to be good to yourself. You worry about everything, you put pressure on yourself for everything. These next few days, do what you need to do but take some time for yourself. It will all get done. You don't have to have your apartment clean until after New Year's. I'm not saying that you should put off cleaning, I'm just saying you don't need to do it all at once.

I still have to wrap presents. Time is moving fast!

So wrap the presents in the next couple of days. You'll be fine. Take a Klonopin.

I don't have the new prescription yet.

When do you get it?

Tomorrow.

Do you still have any?

A couple.

Take one later if this feeling continues. There's no need to be all stressed out. It will all be okay. Really.

I hope you're right, because I really do love this time of year. I like playing the songs and seeing my family. And at least it doesn't look like I'm gonna be snowed in this year. It was terrible when that happened a couple years ago.

It's all going to be good, farmboy. You're going to have a good day and you'll take care of things. 

I really hope you're right, man. All this stress, all this worrying, all the bad news, all the bad luck...I need a fuckin' break. I need to be able to breathe freely. I can't do all this worrying anymore. I just can't.

mess of things

I have made a mess of things
but I'm willing to make it right
I know how to work and I know what to do
to make it through the long lonely night
there's been nothing but obstacles
far as the eye can see
but I know I believe in you
do you believe in me?

I may have done some damage
but inside I mean the best
it's just that life is tough and times are rough
and it's putting me to the test
I keep working and pretending
to be who I want to be
but I know I believe in you
do you believe in me?

to wake up in the morning
and to not be afraid
that's my true desire
for the plans I have made
I know that we'll get there
I hope that you agree
I know I believe in you
do you believe in me?

time to take the pill

time to take the pill

it won't do any harm

if anything, it'll take away

the need to be alarmed

this feeling that you're feeling

isn't kneeling while you stand

time to take the medicine as planned

time to take the pill

this is your intervention

you know the road to hell

is paved with good intentions

they're saying that your bailing

paying with your peace of mind

time to take the pill that you're assigned

          there ain't nothing wrong

          you're playing along

          truth or fiction

          there ain't nothing

          that's why your aware

          this pill's a major part of your nutrition

time to take the pill

klonopin, my friend

it calms you when your mind's on fire

it works now and again

this feeling that your feeling

a human being knows it well

go and get the pills

from off the shelf

time to take the pill

that leaves you feeling like yourself

universe

everything has gone wrong again
like it always does
I ask the universe "Why me?"
the universe says "just because"

rain from silver skies

rain from silver skies
fall lightly on winter streets
hoping to be snow

remember you

it's all right
it's okay
I got nothing to do today
except think of you and smile
with every memory 
it's okay
it's all right
I'm alone on a Saturday night
and all I want to do
is remember you
with me

I know it all
yes I do
every memory of you
I believe I know you 
every inch by heart
yes I do
I know it all
I don't have to wait for you to call
all I want to do is remember you
before we have to part

when the snow comes

when the snow comes
I will be safe and warm
I will have shelter
instead of a storm
now, I don't want you
to be misinformed
I won't be living in luxury
but I'll have food
and I'll be safe
with blankets
and a pillow case
some Irish cream
for me to taste
I won't give a fuck, you see
but I can't stop thinking
about those with no home
those whose next meal
remains unknown
may all who are hungry
come in from the cold
we all are welcome here
when the snow comes
let us be safe and warm
Christmastime is near

Bad luck has moved in

Ho, ho, fuckin' ho. It's the holidays. It's Christmastime. Lights are up, my handmade fake tree is up, I'm fingerpicking holiday tunes on the guitar and trying not to be depressed. Especially, if I am depressed, I don't want to pass those feelings onto other people.

Are you depressed, farmboy?

When am I not depressed? But it's all going okay this year. It's all real subtle. I'm not going overboard, I'm not going to any parties. I'll go see my brother and his family on Christmas Day. Other than that, I'm fuckin' Mr. Popularity.

Is that bad? You hate parties.

I guess it's okay. I wish I wasn't so fuckin' isolated, that's all. I wish I had friends. It's especially lonely this time of year. I remember days when the holidays were really exciting, where it meant performing music for people and seeing friends and family. And it's not really like that. Most of my family lives in California, and friends these days are few and far between.

I'm your friend, farmboy.

Yes, and I'm very thankful for that. You're someone I can talk to. I can't talk to that many people. I talk to my therapist. I used to talk to my trainer, but I don't think he's interested now that I'm not his client, now that I'm not paying money.

It's my own fucking fault. I meet people and become what I think of being friends, but it never works. (Starts to cry)  

It's okay, farmboy, you'll be okay. You do have friends.

Then why am I alone all the fuckin' time? This is supposed to be a joyous time of year. It isn't though, not for me. I'm too alone. I'm too fuckin' alone, but that's not going to change. Bad luck has moved in and decided to stay. It's been like this for a really long time now. There is no good luck, there is no good news. 

I'm sorry you feel that way, farmboy.

Yeah, I'm sorry I feel that way too. I don't know what to fuckin' do. I'm depressed, I got money worries, I got no friends, I got no audience to listen to my songs. It's all just shit right now.

Merry Christmas to me.

I don't need you anymore

what the fuck is wrong with you
treating me the way you do
go to hell and don't pass go
that's all I want you to know
get out of my life
get out of my head
go bother someone else instead
I don't need you anymore

all my life you've been around
showing up to bring me down
presenting yourself as the truth
without a single shred of proof
get out of my life
get out of my mind
run away and don't look behind
I don't need you anymore

that dark night

I lost my best friend
I lost all those people near to me
I turned around and I don't see
them around anymore
I lost my hope
I don't have the strength to fight
I clench my fists with all my might
but they don't work like before 

          save me from going
          into that dark night
          save me from going
          into that dark night

I've got broken dreams
to go with my heart
they've torn me apart
I'm here all alone
I've lost everything
that means something to me
it won't set me free
I just want to go home

          save me from going
          into that dark night
          save me from going
          into that dark night

there are mornings

there are mornings
when I wake up
and I am not hopeless
but they're few and far between
mostly I'm just worried
it's not enough
to be a worthwhile
and honest human being
but with each new morning
I think my soul is moving
I try to work hard
and I think I might be improving
there are mornings
when all I can say
is that I'm glad
I'm okay

skyscrapers

I am up very high
I swear that I
can touch the sky
Day has come
and here am I
in skyscrapers

I'm not afraid
of falling down
concrete and steel
all surround
here I am
all safe and sound
in skyscapers

          I am upright in the air
          atmosphere surrounds me there
          there is nothing to beware
          architecture is a wonderful thing

elevators
take me up
to the top
and that's enough
but looking out windows 
is kind of rough
in skyscrapers

tomorrow I'll 
be here again
ready for work
to begin
up and down
and out and in
skyscrapers

quiet

I'm learning to be quiet
but the world won't cooperate
it makes all the noise it can
just like it just can't wait
it needs all my attention
to tell its sorrows to
I'm learning to be quiet
but, God, what can I do

with all this hubbub and complaining
and judging everyone else
applying the same standards
that I use to judge myself
all I hear is voices
telling me how much I'm wrong
among a million other reason
why I don't belong

all I want is silence
is that too much to ask?
but maybe I'm mistaken
and you're not up to the task
all your words and sentences
I don't appreciate
I'm learning to be quiet
before it's too damn late

still waiting

I remember good times
like they're a long lost friend
days of joy and passion
that all too quickly end
I spend my days hoping
that they will come again
and I'm still waiting
I'm still waiting

I remember true love
as if it still exists
when the measure of your being
is translated to a kiss
I spend my days hoping
that it all comes down to this
and I'm still waiting
I'm still waiting

          everything's empty
          in this heart of mine
          joy still tempts me
          and I'm running out of time
          excuse me while I step out of line

I remember my past
as if it were never hear
all of my memories
begin to disappear
I try hard to listen
to that voice in my ear
and I'm still waiting
I'm still waiting

Bursting at the seams

So it's another Monday, another beginning to another week. Man, I really hope this week is good. I'm so worried about money and employment on top of all the other worries. I need to get a job, not only for the money but also for the socialization of it. I need to get out of the fuckin' apartment and get some of my self-esteem back, the little that I had.

When was the last time you spoke to anybody, farmboy?

I had coffee with my friend Ken this morning. It was great, Ken's a good friend and he's a songwriter and musician, like me. It's no pressure. It's important to have friends like that, people who don't pressure you to be something you're not.

We talked a lot about places to play and possible venues, ideas of doing a regular writers-in-the-round show, like once a month. Which would be great. Performing terrifies me, but I miss it so much. I need to have an outlet where I'm playing these new songs in front of people.

That sounds promising. I think it would be really good for you if you started performing again.

Yeah, I do, too. I feel like I'm not contributing anything to this world, like all I'm doing is taking. I know my songs aren't contributing as much as, say, actively fighting climate change, but at least it's something, you know? 

It's funny. I feel like I'm just bursting at the seams with all the songs not being performed. I really do feel like I have something to offer people. I know it. If I could just get somebody to listen to me.

You've had listeners, farmboy, you can get listeners again.

Well, I'm glad you have confidence in me, man. It can get real discouraging sometimes, when you feel like you're putting in a lot of effort and work for nothing.It's been like that with my physical health, too. I've made all these changes to my diet and exercise and shit, but it doesn't seem to be doing much. But that's another subject for another time.

I don't think all your work is in vain, farmboy. I'm confident you'll find listeners and that you'll get to where you want to be physically.

From your lips to God's ear. I would absolutely love it if all of my work wasn't in vain. But I'm fearing that time is running out.

Don't be ridiculous, farmboy. You've got each day, one at a time. Live in the present with just an eye on the future. See what happens.

Yeah, I need to live more in the present. It's hard when you're worried about the future all the fuckin' time. I'll have to see what I can do about that.

after the morning comes

after the morning comes
we will have hope
after this long night
daylight will come
we won't remember
the words that we spoke
when the new day has begun

after the morning comes
we will still dream
giggling like children
on Christmas morn
we will join in
with the other human beings
thankful and grateful
just for being born

          God grant me patience
          this waiting is rough
          please give me hope
          I pray it's enough

after the morning comes
we will be safe
no longer a burden
weighing down our souls
after the morning comes
it will all be okay
there will be peace
for us creatures below

blank page

I am a blank page
I have nothing on me
my future depends upon
the words you write upon me
you could write a story
you can write a tune
you can write of faith and glory
but you better do it soon

I am a blank page
my life depends on you
and your imagination
you just do what you can do
you can draw a picture
of what's in front of your eyes
or it can be pure fiction
let it be a surprise

I am a blank page
I'm here everyday, too
what you don't realize
is I am here to save you
you can have your say here
you can tell me how to feel
I am a blank page
I will contain what is real

winter winds

winter winds have announced
that it's time to stay indoors
with hot coffee and oatmeal
and a blanket that is warm
but me, I got a cold cold heart
not the Hank Williams kind
but the one that keeps you company
that's the one that's mine

what am I to do now
that all my hopes are gone
nothing helps me anymore
on this wretched road I'm on
and me, I have no joy to share
no gratitude to find
only days of loneliness
that's the one that's mine

everything I can

can you forgive me?
I'm guilty of crimes
against myself
time after time
I convince myself
that I have no hope
that nothing happens
I'm at the end of my rope
what am I doing
to get out of this jam
everything I know
everything I can

time moves slowly
and fades fast away
with nothing to hope for
and nothing to say
and still I keep acting
like changes will come
but change doesn't happen
it all stays undone
what I am doing
what is at hand
everything I know
everything I can

if someone could help me
I wish that they would
everything I am
is misunderstood
I fight for each breath
to bravely break free
but nothing happens
to satisfy me
but still I keep going
according to plan
with everything I know
I'll do everything I can

ocean

I miss the ocean
it was once my front yard
right at the end of my street
it was not long
it was not hard
I would walk there every night
when I was younger
hoping it would cure
this existential hunger
and sometimes it did
other times it hid
but it was never far away from me

I grew up by the ocean
it was once my true home
the water mixed with the blood in my veins
within it
I was never alone
but I moved far away
I didn't see it for years
but it was always with me
inside my heart
right here
and often it was
why?
just because
but it was never far away from me

I miss the ocean
I'll see it again someday
when the stench of discouragement
is far, far away
and I know what will happen
I know what I'll do
I'll walk to the shoreline
and take off my shoes
and walk in the water
be at home with the sea
it was never far away from me

what will become of me now (rewrite 1)

there is a tourist town north the border
where I spent my days chasing innocence lost
I struggled with law and with order
searching for freedom, no matter the cost

          now I see I wasted my time
          nothing happened
          in this life of mine
          only lost hope with no reason or rhyme
          what will become of me now
          
in the country I come from old men are sad
no women to turn to when the sea breeze blows cold
I never believed it would turn out this bad
not at all like all those stories you're told

          now I see I wasted my youth
          nothing happened
          when I searched for the truth
          only unanswered questions
          with no burden of proof
          what will become of me now
          
I stand at the ocean, pull my collar up high,
and stare at the water as if it were my grave
now it just hurts to be alive
there's nothing to live for
I turn toward the waves

          now I see that I wasted my life
          nothing happened
          I always hoped that it might
          I'll slowly go into that dark night
          what will become of me now
          what will become of me now
          

This life, man, this fuckin' life

I am trying, I am trying to salvage today. Seems like every day -- even the weekends -- are pretty much exactly the same. My life is in such a mess right now. I need to get a job badly because my fuckin' COBRA health insurance is going up by nearly 50% in 2020 and, damn, I can't afford it. I'm all stressed out. 

This life, man, this fuckin' life. Everything goes fuckin' wrong if anything happens. Which it usually doesn't. It's like I'm in this weird parallel universe where everything around me moves but I can't. I do nothing but make mistakes and write sad songs.

But today is going to be different, somehow. I'm going to write a song today or have some contact with another human being, you know, have a conversation or something. I don't know. But today has got to be different. I can't fuckin' take this anymore.

What are you going to do, farmboy?

I don't know. Man, my confidence is so, so low now. I don't know if I can do anything. I might not be smart enough, and Lord knows my luck department isn't doing too well. Everything in my life fucks up. It's the truth. I go to counseling, I meditate, I exercise, I eat fuckin' fruits and vegetables, but I can't seem to get rid of all this fuckin' bad luck that follows me everywhere. It doesn't go away. What am I going to do? Whatever I do doesn't work...

You speak as if it's coming from somewhere outside yourself.

It's both. It's inside and outside. But a lot of it is outside, it's stuff I can't help. Every day has its fuck-ups. I'm not looking for a perfect day, but I am looking for a day where something happens that's not bad. It has to exist. It can't always be bad news.

Or maybe it can.

my history

telephones don't ring
nobody's knocking at the door
mail doesn't come
I don't have friends anymore
I live by myself
I have nowhere to go
in this apartment building
there is no one I know

          what will become of me
          all that my eyes can see
          are signs of pain and loneliness
          that make up my history

nobody speaks
I don't hear a voice
but being alone
makes its own kind of noise
it screams inside me now
I can't hear anything else
I'm begging of you, please,
keep me away from myself

          what will become of me
          all that my eyes can see
          are signs of pain and loneliness
          that make up my history

I'll be okay
I'll be all right
maybe sleep will save me
when I turn out the light
when I am unconscious
I am okay
at least until I wake up
and face the new day

          what will become of me
          all that my eyes can see
          are signs of pain and loneliness
          that make up my history

tourist town

there is a tourist town north of San Diego
where I spent my days chasing innocence lost
I set free my dreams to go where they go
searching for freedom, no matter the cost

          now I see I wasted my time
          nothing happened
          that was supposed to be mine
          only hopes with no reason or rhyme
          what will become of me now
          
in the country I come from old men are sad
no women to turn to when the sea breeze is cold
I never believed it would turn out this bad
not at all like all those lies that you're told

          now I see I wasted my youth
          nothing happened
          when I searched for the truth
          only unanswered questions
          with no burden of proof
          what will become of me now
          
I turn to the ocean, pull my collar up high,
and stare at the water as if it were my grave
I was so wrong, it hurts to be alive
there's nothing to live for
I head toward the waves

          now I see that I wasted my life
          nothing happened
          I always hoped that it might
          save me from fading into that dark night
          what will become of me now
          what will become of me now
          

December comes in

December comes in
through the back door
with boots caked with mud and ice

December comes in
wanting hot cocoa
with whipped cream on top
and one or two cookies
to remind it
warmer days are coming

December comes in
with old memories
that are bitter and dusty
and want to be revealed

December comes in
with the promise of comfort
and echoes of a previous year
burning in its belly

today is Thanksgiving

today is Thanksgiving
and I do give thanks
for the moments of calm 
in this wicked old world
today is Thanksgiving
and I join the ranks
of those with their families
and flags unfurled
for my health and my loved ones
I raise a toast
to all of the creatures
that mean the most
to you and me
and everyone
happy Thanksgiving
this poem is done

into the wilderness

everything's calm now
the storm has passed
and we're all together
safe at last
the clouds are parting
the wind is slow
we're up and ready
and willing to go
into the wilderness
into the wilderness

just when you think
that troubles don't end
hope drives a u-turn
around the bend
sees you hitchhiking
picks you up
for now you're safe
and that's good enough
you go into the wilderness
into the wilderness

don't worry

I am always waiting
in anticipation
something could happen
must be my imagination
telling me exactly 
what I want to her
sending me a text message
whispering in my ear
saying don't worry
it's going to be all right
don't worry
you will make it through the night

I am always hoping
for whatever I can't have
life and all its suffering
is having the last laugh
laughing at me
laughing at my dreams
time is running out
and I don't know what it means
I say don't worry
it's going to be okay
don't worry
somehow you'll find a way