tamale lady

she set up shop across the street
on Thursday afternoons
with a cooler filled
with tamales
she and her husband
would sell their wares
to the neighborhood folks
and the families
and people would stop 
and ask for their choices
in pigeon Spanish
God bless the tamale lady
wherever you are

she made tamales every night
helped by her daughters
after homework was done
everybody knew
she made the best tamales
under the northwestern sun
she'd smile at you shyly 
and silently help you
to get what your stomach needs
God bless the tamale lady
wherever you are

no one knew what happened
or why they never came back
with the cooler filled
with tamales
some people worried
but nobody heard
what became of them
and their family
if the were taken
in the dead of night
or the bright light of day
God bless the tamale lady
wherever you are
God bless the tamale lady
wherever you are

no easy way

there is no easy way I've found
to explain this ol' world spinning around
I have my theories
I keep them near me
where no one can hear me
I'm confused and alone
there is no easy way I've heard
everything's smothered in too many words
when I think I know something
it turns out to be nothing
but I'll tell you one thing
I'm not going home

full grown man

I went walking this morning
I saw a bluebird sitting on a branch
I would fly like that bluebird
if I ever got the chance
I would rest on tree trunks
I'd eat bugs and seeds
and I would have everything
that a bluebird needs

          oh, but I ain't no bluebird
          I'm a full grown man
          questioning everything
          and doing the best I can

company time

working on the midnight shift
is getting old real fast
this job is more
than just a pain in the ass
I hate to complain
but I know that I am
there's gotta be some way out
of this traffic jam
boss makes a dollar
while I make a dime
that's why I smoke weed
on company time

a problem like you

I need something to look forward to
I need to find a way to make a move
I need to move away from a problem like you
a problem like you
there is nothing left for me here
except an reason to disappear
I've found no other way to make it clear
there's no other way to choose

          you don't want me
          you don't need me
          what I say
          you don't believe me
          where are you
          can you see me here
          what am I to do
          with a problem like you
          with a problem like you

I need something to make me want to live
I need to remind myself if
I'm with you, I'll have to learn to forgive
a problem like you
now, I ain't perfect
I make mistakes
sometimes I'm genuine, sometimes I'm fake
but I don't know if I have what it takes
to do what I have to do

          you don't want me
          you don't need me
          what I say
          you don't believe me
          where are you
          can you see me here
          what am I to do
          with a problem like you
          with a problem like you

walking to your house

I am walking to your house
I am knocking at your door
I am trying to bring us back
to where we were before
but I don't get an answer
that would ease my troubled mind
I once knew where I stand
but I left that far behind

          why don't you believe me
          when I tell you I can change
          whenever you see me
          you look the other way
          

and I'm lonely

I got all the beauty for my eyes to see
I got all sorts of music to wash over me
I can be anything I think I can be
except there's no one around
and I'm lonely

I got books to read about places to go
I got flowers and trees, around me they grow
but I'm down on my knees and all I know
is there's no one around
and I'm lonely

          I keep waiting for this emptiness to end
          there ain't nothing I wouldn't give to make a friend

I got a big screen TV with lots of stars
to keep me from hanging out in sleazy bars
but that won't help till I know where you are
there's no one around
and I'm lonely

we pretend

it's another morning
like the morning before
I read the news on a computer screen
what tragedy today 
does the world have in store
does anybody know
what any of this means
we go to bed at night
hoping and praying for the best
we go to bed at night
trying to ignore the mess we've made

          we pretend
          it's all that we can do
          we pretend
          that we're going to make it through
          and tomorrow we'll go through this again
          we pretend

I walk these streets
like it's my hometown
but I'm a stranger in a stranger's land
I try to not let the city
bring me down
but I'll never really understand
we got to bed at night
exhausted and depleted
wake up to another day
where you don't get what is needed

          we pretend
          it's all that we can do
          we pretend
          that we're going to make it through
          and tomorrow we'll go through this again
          we pretend

three in the morning
and your mind is alive
worrying about
what it takes to survive

          we pretend
          it's all that we can do
          we pretend
          that we're going to make it through
          and tomorrow we'll go through this again
          we pretend

nervous

don't bite your nails
don't chew so loud
don't talk like a Mexican
don't act so proud
don't be so sad
don't be so happy
and most of all
don't be nervous

yes you are only
five years old
old enough to do
whatever you're told
don't be a sissy
don't be so bold
and most of all
don't be nervous

I'm the parent
you're the kid
you're to blame
for what you did
you'll grow up to live
on the street
on the skids
and most of all
don't be nervous

someday you'll thank me
for criticizing you
my lessons will affect
everything you do
so thank Lord Jesus
I'm looking after you
and most of all
don't be nervous
most of all
don't be nervous

Three in the morning at Denny's

So I just returned from my fuckin' daily walk. Doesn't this stuff get any easier? You know, since the accident a few years ago, I been trying, man, I've been working. I want to feel like everybody else in the world...

How do you know what everyone else in the world feels, farmboy?

You know what I mean.

No, I'm not sure I do.

I want to feel normal, like a regular human being. I'm not comfortable in my own skin, as they say. I've always been weird -- I think that's what happens when you're afraid of your dad and you don't have many friends and you never learn to fuckin' play. Stuff like that. I've always felt isolated, and it's gotten to the point where I just can't fuckin' stand it anymore.

You don't want to be isolated...

I want to have friends, I want to play music, I want to have big major discussions at three in the morning at Denny's. I'll always need lots of alone time, but, damn it, it's like fuckin' solitary confinement here. And to add to that, none of the work I put in has any payoff.

I know, farmboy. You've said that before. I don't know what to say. I see you trying, I see you working hard at all kinds of things. I don't know why nothing ever changes. I know it's frustrating for you. All I can advise is to be patient, but you know that.

Yeah, I know that. I know that over and over and over.

Anyway, I guess my daily walk is finished, so that's done until tomorrow. Now all I have to do
is finish writing, practice music, go to my therapist, meditate, and try to eat correctly, all the while suffering from a major depressive disorder and PTSD, and worrying about money and my future.

No wonder I smoke so much weed.

right here right now

every day is the same as before
and they keep on going faster
past jobs and chores and grocery stores
past tears of hurt and laughter
me, I need something more
than dreams of the hereafter
I want to be alive
while I'm alive
right here right now

mornings are like the day before
coffee, toast, brushing teeth
no wonders of what the day has in store
no anticipation
no relief
me, I need something more
than my endless days of grief
I want to be alive
while I'm alive
right here right now

          I want the day to be brand new
          full of something that my mind
          must pay attention to

welcome to the day before
repeat again and again
I'm sure there must be something more
but I don't know what or when
me, I need something real
where I don't have to pretend
I want to be alive
while I'm alive
right here right now

Yesterday, and the day before

Man, I wish something good would happen today. I know I'm the one responsible for my own happiness, but, fuck, can't I just get a fuckin' break this one time? I mean, all I ever fuckin' do is work on being the person I want to be, and there's never any fuckin' payoff. I'm so fuckin' angry and frustrated all the time. I don't know what to fuckin' do.

Are you doing your actions, farmboy?

Yeah, I walk, I write, I play, I meditate, I try to eat the right things and not overdo it. But none of it matters.

What about the writing?

Well, okay, that matters. And it's a big deal. But it's just so fuckin' maddening, this constant putting in energy when so very little comes out of it. And I know I'm just complaining...

You have a right to complain. That's how you feel.

Okay, then, I'm complaining. I'm hungry and I'm lonely and I have this whole day in front of me with just the normal stuff. Like yesterday, and the day before. And the week before that. And the fuckin' year before that. It doesn't fuckin' change. I am so fuckin' angry. When is something going to happen?

It will, farmboy, it will. It's coming.

It better hurry up, man, 'cause I'm losing hope. I mean, I've already lost hope, a while back. It's been ages since I've been hopeful. I'm not suicidal or anything, but I am so fuckin' depressed. I'm at a total standstill.

Well, I don't know that it's total...

It sure seems that way. 

afraid of memories (rewrite 1)

I'm afraid of memories
all they really mean to me
is you're not here anymore
the day we broke apart
you took my foolish heart
and left me empty like before
I keep my eyes ahead
don't think 'bout what you said
try to pretend the future's mine
but no matter what I do
I'm still in love with you
and always will be for all time

          I'm afraid of memories
          remembering you and me
          the way we used to be
          once upon a time
          I'm afraid of memories
          the yesterdays inside of me
          the way our lives would be
          if you were mine

I'm afraid of days gone past
good times that never last
yesterday is better locked away
I don't know what I'll do
or if I'll get over you
I'm too busy just getting through today

          I'm afraid of memories
          remembering you and me
          the way we used to be
          once upon a time
          I'm afraid of memories
          the yesterdays inside of me
          the way our lives would be
           if you were mine

afraid of memories

I'm afraid of memories
all they really mean to me
is you're not here anymore
the day we broke apart
you took with you my heart
and left me broken like before
I keep my eyes ahead
don't think 'bout what you said
try to pretend the future is all mine
but no matter what I do
I'm still in love with you
and always will be for all time

          I'm afraid of memories
          remembering you and me
          the way that we used to be
          once upon a time
          I'm afraid of memories
          the yesterdays inside of me
          the way our lives would be
          if you were mine

I'm afraid of yesterdays
makes no difference what I say
the past is better locked away
I do the same old stuff
drink till I've had enough
my mind's got nothing new to say
keep my eyes on the road
the highway's hot but my heart is cold
somewhere else is what I hope to find
somewhere I'll be free of you
and all the love inside me, too
I'll find a way to keep you off my mind

          I'm afraid of memories
          remembering you and me
          the way that we used to be
          once upon a time
          I'm afraid of memories
          the yesterdays inside of me
          the way our lives would be
           if you were mine

Experiencing the fallout

I've been so depressed lately, man. I got some bad news Saturday and I can't shake it off. I keep trying to do things that are good for me -- writing, walking, playing music, meditating -- but I just feel absolutely hopeless.

It's called depression, farmboy. At least you're active. That's a good sign. Are you taking your medications? Have you seen your therapist?

Yes, to both. My therapist and my psychiatrist both seemed concerned. And they've both seen me at my worst. Hey, I found out that my psychiatrist is a Townes Van Zandt fan. Who would have thought?

I'm concerned as well. What was the bad news?

Physical stuff. Learning that all the hard work that I've put into things means next to nothing. I can't even talk about it, man. It's just too fuckin' sad. It's not fair. And now I'm experiencing the fallout. I'm just so fuckin' sad all the time. If I could sleep away the day, I would.

I'm so sorry to hear about this, farmboy. It seemed to me that you were doing pretty well. Things were beginning to look up.

Well, that I don't remember. I do know that life has gotten worse.

I have to get up and keep trying, man. I'm losing ground here. I've worked hard and I can't let it all be for nothing. I can't let my work be in vain. And I don't know what to fuckin' do. Just wait it out, I guess.

That's one thing you can do. Will that work?

It works, but I can't control it and I don't know how long it will last. The thing is, when I get back to "normal" I'll still have the depression. This is not a question of me getting better. It's just a little bit of improvement, but I'll take it, you know.

reason

I'm looking for a reason to keep hoping
can you help me, please
I promise I'll keep my mind wide open
in spite of this disease
I am not dead
I take my meds
each capsule that's prescribed
I see my doctor
but it's not a shock
sadness takes me by surprise

I need a reason to stay alive
can you be of service
life likes to cut me down to size
no wonder I'm so nervous
hand me that jar
from the local bar
I'll drink whatever's in it
I need a new start
come kickstart my heart
I need right now to begin it

I'm looking for a reason to stay awake
right now I'm ripe for sleeping
hand me those pills, for goodness' sake
I'll save them for safekeeping
I don't know what to do
can you help me through
can you help settle me down
maybe it's better
if we're not together
you don't need me hanging around
you don't need me hanging around

I'm looking for a reason to keep hoping
can you help me, please

I am not feeling well today

I am not feeling well today
think I'll go back to bed
lock the bedroom door behind me
and pull the blankets up over my head
and here I'm gonna hide away
until the world has something good to say
I expect to stay in here all day
until something decides to go right

I am not doing good today
I believe I'm here alone
so I'll go in the bathroom
fill up a bowl
and get nothing but stoned
weed and ganja, reefer and pot
whatever you have is just what I got
it's legal in Oregon, I won't get caught
something has got to go right

I am not myself today
think I'll be somebody else
someone with style who knows how to smile
someone other than myself
I am not sure just what I'm gonna do
everything's wrong, that's what I've been through
my life would be better if I were you
then maybe something would go right
before I fall into the night

I am not feeling well today
think I'll go back to bed

all your fault

nothing matters
whatever I do is meaningless
my heart is shattered
and there's nothing I can do, I guess
you keep hoping
you keep praying
you see all your plans
derailing
you should have known better
this is all your fault

nothing matters
all your hard work is in vain
your soul is battered
and not a thread of hope remains
you keep dreaming
you keep wishing
you can't give yourself
permission
you should have known better
this is all your fault

depleted

I can't do it today
I can't go through the motions
like everything is the same as before
I'm depleted
so I'll go on with my day
with hate in every breath I take
I will destroy myself
from the inside

high wire

I am on a high wire
try to talk me down
I am staying up here
there's no need for solid ground
the wheels in my head
are spinning round and round
I do not like it up here
but there's no coming down

I am on high wire
I will stay up here
I have no fear of falling
I can always disappear
step one quarter-inch too far
and off the rope I go
not enough time to yell
"look out below!"

I am on a high wire
I dare you
calm me down
give me one good reason
why I should hang around
you witness me above your heads
with no net below
will I tumble to my death?
only time can know

this wasn't supposed to end this way

this wasn't supposed to end this way
this was supposed to be
your morning in the sun
knowing you were loved by everyone
who was worth knowing

quicksand

wake up in the morning
brush your teeth
take your meds
drag a plastic comb
across the few hairs on your head
drink your cup of coffee
face the day with dread
think that there's something else
that you should do instead

          I am drowning
          here on dry land
          I am sinking
          into quicksand

morning bells are ringing
pounding out the time
with metal gears and motion
sounding of the chimes
I see the day around me
I pay it no never-mind
whatever happens to me
is from someone else's design

          I am drowning
          here on dry land
          I am sinking
          into quicksand

come back (for David Berman)

I thought everything 
was looking up for you
I was hoping it all 
would turn out fine
I thought somehow 
you'd make it through
my imagination was working overtime
now you're gone 
and we're left here alone
lost and scared, 
feeling far from home

          come back 
          come back
          I know that you can't
          but all I'm saying is
          come back

sad old world

well, what are we going to do
about this sad old world
our fingerprints surround it
with the misdeeds we have done
everything I ever knew
about this sad old world
everything around it
falls behind the setting sun

well, we really dropped the ball
in this sad old world
we let the ones with money
rule our hearts and minds
we could have had it all
in this sad old world
there ain't nothing funny
about the mess we've left behind

say your prayers and poetry
for this sad old world
it could use all the hope
you have in your heart to give
there more than you know, you see,
inside this sad old world
all we have to cope with
are they reasons we live

I'm just waiting for it to take effect

I am in full panic mode, man. I'm so fuckin' scared. Get me out of this.

What's going on, farmboy?

This happens to me. It's a state of panic and anxiety. I don't think it's a panic attack but it's fuckin' awful. Makes you afraid to fuckin' move, man.

How can I help? What can I do?

You're there, and that's the main thing. I just took a Klonopin and I think I'm gonna take a little walk in a little while. 

That's what Klonopin is for.

I know. It can be a great medication if you don't get dependent on it. I really have to watch it. My psychiatrist says I'm fine, though, takin what I'm taking.

How much do you take, farmboy?

I take as needed. Usually no more than one a day, with a couple days with no Klonopin.

I'm just waiting for it to take effect. It'll be okay. I go through some form of this generally several days a week.

I'll be all right. Thanks for your help, man. I'll be okay.

yes in a world of no (rewrite)

I learned in catechism 
that God was everywhere
so I looked under the sofa
but I didn't see nobody there
but still I keep on the lookout
everywhere I go
just like I keep on searching
for a yes in a world of no

every morning I rise from bed
to face a brand new day
working this boring factory job
for my measly weekly pay
money comes in
money goes out
never to overflow
still I keep working 
for a yes in a world of no

amid life's trials and troubles
I've tried to bravely push through
sometimes I'm understanding
but mostly I'm mainly confused
everyday I work the daily grind
with nothing left to show
except this foolish undying hope
for a yes in a world of no

now the years are speeding by me
I cannot stop to rest
I hope there's satisfaction
in knowing I did my best
but there's one thing I'm sure of
when it comes my time to go
I'll leave this life in search of
a yes in a world of no

Charlie Manson eyes

I wake up in the morning
greet the morning sun
the sun and all its riches
shine on everyone
but I look into the mirror
and it comes as no surprise
looking back at me
are Charlie Manson eyes

it was half a century ago
a little bit of time
it was Woodstock and the moon
it was 1969
so it makes no sense
and it makes me want to cry
when I look in the mirror
and see Charlie Manson eyes

          what has happened to me
          total darkness
          is the only thing I see

I am not a criminal
a murderer I ain't
I'm just a guy with lots of words
inside my fingerpaints
"I'm not him" I tell myself
"All this is just a lie
I am not the man you think I am
with Charlie Manson eyes"

take me to the jailhouse
put your handcuffs on me
this will be my sacrifice
my forlorn destiny
I'll not be a witness
I will not survive
the dirty world inside
my Charlie Manson eyes

bad news comes in the mail

bad news comes in the mail
telling you how to start your day
the sun shines to no avail
the clouds will not get in the way
and it's laughing at you
trying to live the life you crave
there's nothing left to do
except to laugh right through 
and misbehave

walk around

I woke up early this morning
I walked down by the shore
while I walked, a seagull talked
"what are you walking for?"
I said I'm walking for my health
the gull said "yeah, that's cool
it's foot and knee and ankle, you see
that'll show you what to do

          walk around 
          walk around
          make sure one foot
          stays on the ground
          going in circles
          around and around
          walk around
          walk around

I went to bed late last night
but I couldn't not sleep
I washed my hair, I said my prayers
"Thy Lord, my soul to keep"
the earthquakes of my social life
has found its aftershocks
but that's okay, I'm on my way
to take another walk

          walk around 
          walk around
          make sure one foot
          stays on the ground
          going in circles
          around and around
          walk around
          walk around

born middle-aged

I was never a child
I was born middle-aged
the book of my history
forgot an important page
I never learned to cry
I never learned to trust
I never ever got
a needed human touch
but I can use a credit card
and get myself in debt
I keep waiting for my boyhood
but it hasn't happened yet

          I was born middle-aged
          I was born middle-aged