silver lining 2

 

I look for a silver lining/but all I see is gray/the storm is coming soon/the rain is on its way/people say it's normal/but I say give me sun/no matter what the future holds/my problems have just begun

I look for a silver lining/but there's none that I can see/there is no relief from/the bad luck that follows me/nothing ever happens/unless it's bad or worse/I don't know if this living/is a blessing or a curse

(bridge) maybe happiness is just a myth/I've got nothing here I can work with

I look for a silver lining/maybe there's one that I have missed/but I starting to get the feeling/that they really don't exist

silver lining

 

no one tells you how hard love is/how awful it fails, it's the worst/Love is the bane of society/Love is a blessing and a curse/'cause love can disappear like that/leave you busted, broken, and flat/that, my friend, is not where it's at/there is no silver lining

october

 

october is on its way/and the leaves are turning brown/nothing gold can stay/when you're the cold, hard ground/everyone is packing up/looking for a place to land/the miles, they are racking up/and I cannot understand/why time has to move so cruel/why time is nobody's fool/october is closing in/and I cannot obey

my corner of the world

I am standing by myself/in my corner of the world/and I am looking for a reason/to be right where I am/there is nobody close by me/in my corner of the world/so I know that I can do/anything I know I can

I fell asleep

I fell asleep

for a long, long time

now I am rested

it isn't a crime

to not be tired

like I usually am

now I'm awake

adventure's my jam

I fell asleep

like I usually don't

just because I can't sleep

doesn't mean that I won't

it feels awfully good

to have had a good rest

now I can explore

I can do my level best

it was okay today

It was okay today/nothing like the day before/where nothing worked out my way/I tell you brother, I was sore /is it a god I must anoint/maybe I need karma points/but that day is over, that's for sure/let's carry on just like we did before

it was okay today/not like my entire life/where I spent my time a-wandering/pledging darkness in the nights it my fault for being born/is that why I'm so forlorn?/wait, that's all finished, that's for sure/let's carry om just like we did before

it was okay today/I wasn't in a hurry/for once in my dismal life/I didn't have too worry/but that was not enough for me/I need the blues to keep me company/I'm still complaining, that's for sure/let's carry on just like we did before

sad sea of fallen sailors

my problems will one day pass

when my life is done at last

none of you can blame me for my failures

I'll be gone and I'll be free

someday you might think of me

among the sad sea of fallen sailors

don't worry about me

I'll be fine

here in Heaven

there is lots of time

and I'll be watching you

everything you do

I'll be watching you

and I'll be proud

I want a fuckin' surprise

 

Man, this is so fuckin' aggravating. Every day it seems like I do the same things, over and over again, and I don't want to do any of them. I don't want to walk, I don't want to practice, I don't want to write, I don't want to eat right. I want to have a cheeseburger and fries and watch bad TV. I want to be around people a little bit. I want a fuckin' surprise that's good once in a while. What the fuck am I going to do?

I don't know, farmboy. What the fuck are you going to do?

I don't have a fuckin' clue. I just returned from my walk, there's that. It's too bad that I hate walking. It's nice outside-- 81 degrees -- and the sky is blue and beautiful. Why do I just want to stay indoors all the time? I don't know. But I went and did it and now that it's over, I'm glad I did. I just wish I had something different to do, that's all. I wish I didn't have to be so fuckin' alone all the time. 

I know it's hard, farmboy. It's hard to be patient, especially with this pandemic going on. Everyone is feeling the stress.

I know. I feel bad for everyone. It's just...it's Sunday and I still have all this fuckin' work to do and nothing ever changes. But my walk is over and I'm almost finished with the stuff I have to do today. I'll get through it. I just wish there could be something different.

The Great Depression

Well, it looks like the Great Depression has finally passed, at least until the next Great Depression. It's so fuckin' hard, being a depressed person. It's like mental illness is right there, just waiting to pounce on you. It's fuckin' vicious, I tell you.

It was rough, was it, farmboy? 

Fuckin' unbelievable, man. It took apart every trace of my self esteem, made me doubt the parts of myself that are undeniable.

Like what?

Music. This depression made me doubt if I could write songs. I actually quit writing, for the first time in my life. I kept playing guitar, which amazes me. Everything was gone, all the stuff that I regularly work on. I quit writing, I quit walking, I quit exercising, I mean, I quit almost everything.

Have you started doing things again, farmboy?

Yeah, but it's been tough. Walking is like, let me walk one side of one block. I'm out of the apartment, getting some sunshine. That's a major win. I started eating fruits and vegetables again, I started writing again. That's very major, considering where I was. It was fuckin' rough, but I think I'm, like, 95% out of it. Wait...really, like, 75% or something.

Anyway, I'm moving in the right direction. That's what fuckin' counts, right?

trouble (sleeping by my side rewrite 1)

 

I got trouble/sleeping by my side/keeping me awake/telling me to run and hide/but I just lie in bed/and take it all in stride/I don't have to worry/like I used to worry/no, I don't have to worry, that's for sure 

I got trouble/looking out my back door/in a new-fangled way/that it's never looked before/when it comes to peace of mind/I just want more and more/and I don't have to be scared/I just need to stay aware/no, I'm not being scared, that's for sure

(bridge) all those days I used to be/afraid of myself/now I look in the mirror and it's like seeing/somebody else

I got trouble/but I know it's bound to end/I know hope is coming soon/and I don't have to pretend/'cause it's on its way/and it looks like a friend/I don't have to be sad/now life ain't so bad/no,I don't have to be sad, that's for sure

I got trouble/sleeping by my side/keeping me awake/telling me to run and hide/but I just lie in bed/and take it all in stride/I don't have to worry/like I used to worry/no, I don't have to worry, that's for sure/I don't have to worry/anymore

sleeping by my side

I got trouble/sleeping by my side/keeping me awake/telling me to run and hide/but I just lie in bed/and take it all in stride/I don't have to worry/like I used to worry/no, I don't have to worry, that's for sure 

I got trouble/looking out my back door/in a new-fangled way/that it's never looked before/when it comes to peace of mind/I just want more and more/and I don't have to be scared/I just need to stay aware/no, I don't have to be scared, that's for sure

(bridge) all those days I used to be/afraid of myself/now I look in the mirror and all I see/is only myself

I got trouble/but I know it's bound to end/I don't have to choose it/I don't have to pretend/'cause it's on its way/I'll never see it again/I don't have to be sad/now life ain't so bad/no,I don't have to be sad, that's for sure

I got trouble/sleeping by my side/keeping me awake/telling me to run and hide/but I just lie in bed/and take it all in stride/I don't have to worry/like I used to worry/no, I don't have to worry, that's for sure/I don't have to worry/anymore

turn to rain

I need the sky to turn to rain/because I see the world in shades of gray/and I want them both to match/I need the ground to be soaking wet/so it can mirror my regrets/I see it's dark and dismal  in my brain

sky

 

how can I get any work done/when I know the sky is going to fall/it's a million to one/but it's always time to end it all/and by that, I mean/it's not going to end/but somehow my mind/likes to pretend/at those times, it is not my friend/it's lying to my face

just how can I relax/when I know the sky is going to crash/with lightning striking me/burning all my embers to ash/and by that, I mean/my brain keeps thinking uncertain thoughts/like I could be/an astronaut/all I know/is what I want/I won't take second place

(bridge) I know I will not find/peace of mind/if I'm inclined to weep/I only do/the best I can/I pray the Lord/my soul to keep

how can I enjoy myself/when I know the sky is going to crumble/I go outside and I/find a way to somehow stumble/and by that, I mean/the sky ain't really/falling down/look/everything is still around/you mind is what's making that sound/it's lying to your face

how can I get any work done/when I know the sky is going to fall

anymore (rewrite 1)

 

I tried to tell you/but you would not listen/so I took your silence/as a sign of permission/I've thought it all through/and I've made my decision/that you and me/are not to be/anymore

I tried to reason/with all of my might/bring all the problems/out into the light/but something went wrong/now nothing is right/you and me/are not to be/anymore

(bridge) all of my words/crumble away/when I think about you now/all I know/is that I can't stay/where my love is not allowed

maybe someday/I'll sort through the ashes/but for now I won't think/I'll put on my dark glasses/I'm on my way/I know where the path is/you and me/are not to be/anymore/you and me/are not to be/anymore

nervous

 

I am so nervous/just to be alive/every single day/I look out of these eyes/and see the problems of this world/grow larger in size/can anybody save us?

I am so anxious/here in my living room/that all kinds of disaster/will be visiting soon/trouble follows us/from our birth to the tomb/can anybody save us?

I am so worried/about the days to come/greed pours down on everything/like it's heat from the sun/if something doesn't happen soon/our days just might be done/can anybody save us?

anymore

 

I tried to tell you/but you did not listen/so I took your silence/as a sign of permission/I've thought it all through/and I've made my decision/that you and me/are not to be/anymore

and I tried to reason/with all of my might/bring all the problems/out into the light/but something went wrong/nothing is right/you and me/are not to be/anymore

(bridge) all of my words/crumble away/when I think about you now/all I know/is that I can't stay/where love is not allowed

maybe someday/I'll sort through the ashes/of our yesterdays/and all the rough patches/so I'm on my way/I know where the path is/you and me/are not to be/anymore/you and me/are not to be/anymore

the only hope I've ever had (song)

the only hope I've ever had/is not working anymore/it's left me crying and denying/and shaking on the floor/I don't know how it went away/I don't know why it did/all I know it's left me with/no reason left to live

the only hope I've ever had/has gone and left my side/I look at all its promises/and I can't believe it lied/I know I cannot stay this way/but still, this is my life/all I know it's left me with/no reason to survive

inside of me

 

it's not self pity/it's not the blues/I know the reason/it's not an excuse/it eats medication/I want to be free/from this mental illness/inside of me

I don't know when/or how it began/but it's starting to happen/all over again/I argue with God/I disagree/with this mental illness/inside of me

(bridge) give me drugs/give me liquor/send me on vacation/mental illness has sent/me an invitation

it ain't nothing/to destroy yourself/when the person inside/is somebody else/who is not your friend/but your enemy/it's the mental illness/inside of me

if I had only

if I had only turned left

instead of turning right

I would not be spending

this long, lonely night

waiting for you

and your eyes to see

that maybe it's true

you should be with me

The only hope I've ever had

 

It's another day of things not working. I keep writing. I don't know why. I have no idea what to do as a songwriter anymore. I get nothing but rejection and I have nothing left inside me to give. And yet, it's all I know, this songwriting thing. But I'm such a fuckin' failure at it and I'm not even writing songs anymore. The only hope I've ever had is gone. 

Another line

 

Okay, let's see if this works today. This fuckin' thing has been double spacing and won't let me single space and...

It's working!

Oh wait...it worked, but then it didn't. Let me type some more and see what will happen. It's really a drag when it doesn't single space. Which now it's doing unless I start another line...and then we'll see what happens.

Another line.

I guess it will let me single space in paragraphs, but not beyond that. Not good for songwriting. But the songs aren't coming and they just get rejected anyway, so...I don't know. I can't figure this fucker out.

double spaced only

 

all I want is to be at peace

to have these trials around me cease

(This fuckin' thing won't let me single space. Let's have something else go wrong. Fuckin' piece of shit!)

normal as it gets

Today has been as normal as it gets

sometimes normal's all right with me

Please

 

Today is a depressing day. I wish I was able to cry and let out all my pain. I don't know what I can do to make it better. Nothing works, nothing changes unless it's for the worse. There is no help. I have not had a decent day in weeks, if not months. Somebody help me. Please.

Nothing changes #2

 

Why am I writing? Why am I doing anything? Nothing changes, unless it's for the worse. Nothing ever changes. Nothing changes. Nothing changes. Nothing changes.

Nothing happens

 

The days go by so fuckin' slowly. Nothing happens, nothing changes unless it's for the worst. I don't know what I can do anymore. Nothing happens. The weather is beautiful outside; the weather lies. There is no use in writing songs because they all get rejected. There is no use in me exercising because I can't lose weight. There is nobody to talk to. I don't know what I'm going to do. Please help me.

oblivious

whoever said "time heals all wounds"

was nothing but a goddamn liar

making sounds inside his head

preaching to the choir

the wounds you gave me

are too deep to even start to heal

and the worst part is knowing

that the way I feel

          you're oblivious to

          the scars you left 

'         oblivious to

          the lies and theft

          oblivious to

          the way you set me free

          you're oblivious to me

 

Nothing ever changes

It's another fuckin' day where nothing changes. No matter what I do this is the way it ends up. Nobody can help me. Nothing ever changes. Nothing ever changes. Somebody help me. Nothing ever changes.

Why

Another day and I've already woken up to bad news. It doesn't end. I'm so angry and sad that I feel like I'm going to explode. Why doesn't anybody hear me? Why doesn't anybody help me?

suicide note

nothing ever changes
unless it's for the worse
I once thought life was a blessing
now I see it as a curse
there is no one who can help me
there is no one I can call
I climb to the top of this building
to see how hard I fall

I am waiting round to die
like an old songwriter said
there's been too many times
I've wished that I were dead
and now is one of them
say your goodbyes now
I will soon be leaving you
but I don't know how

there is no use in living
when no one knows you're alive
when no one ever notices you
when you're struggling to survive
hand me that gun, I can shoot
like I've never shot before
I can shoot my own damn self
before you walk right out that door

nothing ever changes
nothing ever will
when it comes to torture
I believe I've had my fill
there is nothing left to say
nothing left to do
I am dedicating my self-handed death
to all the people like you

Fuck this life

It's another day of bad luck and nothing changing. 

Fuck this life.

forever

time doesn't heal all wounds
some things hurt forever

Nobody is listening

I don't know what I'm going to do. Nothing changes. Things are not getting better, There is no hope. What I could do is buy myself a gun and learn how to use it and then shoot myself in the fuckin' head. Nobody would care. People will be relieved that they don't have to put up with me anymore.

It doesn't matter. Nothing fuckin' matters. Nobody is listening. Nobody can hear me. As far as everyone is concerned, there is nothing but silence on my end.

Nothing changes. No matter how much work, no matter how many prayers, no matter how many plans, nothing fuckin' changes. Nothing changes. Nothing changes

I need to get a gun. I need to end it all. It doesn't matter what I say or do or write. Nobody reads this anyway. I could just shoot myself dead and nobody will notice. Nothing I do or say matters. Nothing ever changes, and it's killing me.

like a fuckin' fool

like a fuckin' fool
I continue to believe in God
even though God never listens
God never answers
nothing ever changes
and everything is wrong
like a fuckin' fool
I continue to believe
even though
nothing happens
and there is no mercy
to be received