My issues have issues

I am so fuckin' upset and tense and angry about all sorts of things. So I just ate a lot of bad food. I need to calm down. This ain't doin' me no fuckin' good, man. If I had some weed I'd smoke it and then I'd feel better. But I don't want to have to fuckin' smoke weed every day any more, you know?

That's good, farmboy. And you're aware that your usual reactions aren't working as well as you'd like. So how can you calm down?

I know that taking deep breaths helps. Getting my mind off stuff helps, too. Maybe I need to play computer games or play guitar or listen to the radio or something. Maybe I need to talk to somebody. Maybe that's where you come in. It helps to talk to you.

Thanks. Glad to be of service.

It is good to talk about your problems sometimes. I don't have many people I can really talk to, so I appreciate talking with you, man. 

I bet that you could talk to some of your friends, farmboy. 

There are a few, maybe. But I don't want to burden them. I got so many fuckin' problems, man, it's unbelievable. My issues have issues, you know? Pisses me the fuck off. I want to be able to breathe easy for a little bit. Get me away from my fuckin' job and the fuckin' bills and the fuckin' insurance companies.

Fuck, man, the whole fuckin' world wants to make big profits from my meager earnings. But I digress. Plus I don't want to get any more upset.

It doesn't do any good, I know.

Tell me about it, man. I just want to be...well, not necessarily happy...I just want to get back to being farmboy and not somebody's employee or somebody's deep pockets to pick. I want to be able to just be me and enjoy life again.

It'll get better, farmboy. It really will.

I know. Or, rather, I hope so. I don't want to take anything for granted, you know.

It's okay to hope.

I just don't want to be disappointed. I been disappointed enough, man.

what I know is that

what I know is that
there is so much that I want
just beyond my reach

why I keep tripping
on my own damn shoelaces
is not clear to me

what is clear is that
as much as I want to stop
I will keep going

live where you're standing

never been to a graveyard
late at night
so I thought I'd go
and somehow I wound up
at your tombstone
grandpa joe
said you had something to tell me
that I might right want to know
he said
boy learn from the past
dream about the future
and live where you're standing now

"The Worst Part About Being Me"

So remember the piece of writing I showed you yesterday? Well, I changed it and I want you to know the revised version and get that old version out of your mind.

All right. What are the changes, farmboy?

Change "thing" to "part." So now it's "The Worst Part of Being Me."

Instead of "The Worst Thing About Being Me?"

Shhhh! Don't say the old title, man. It's embarrassing, it's so fuckin' bad.

I'm glad you're not a perfectionist, farmboy.

Hey! What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing, farmboy. That way of thinking is why you're a good writer.

What do you mean?

You care about how you communicate in your writing.

Well, duh. man. Doesn't everyone?

No.

Well...they fuckin' should, man.

the worst thing about being me

the worst thing about being me
is not my lack of common sense
or my inability to live my life
in the present tense
or the way my mind scatters
from here to Timbuktu
the worse thing about being me
is not being with you

how to write a song

trust yourself
believe yourself 
explore yourself
inspire yourself
do
whatever it takes
whatever you want to do
just make sure
as much as possible
to not think
so fuckin' much

I'm always doing nothing

Man, I fuckin' tell you, I'm not sure how I'm feeling. And not that it bothers me or anything either. I'm just tired. i don't want to sleep but I just want to hang back and relax. Why don't I have a TV? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Nothing's wrong with you, farmboy. You're just tired. Go ahead and relax. You know, night will come soon enough...

...and then sleep and then work. Boy, you sure know how to cheer a fella up.

I'm just saying that maybe you should take advantage of your opportunity to do nothing.

I'm always doing nothing, man! 

But you're tired, farmboy. It's okay to rest.

Okay. Then I will. But I don't have to like it.

letters together

letters together
I got consonants and vowels
for constructing words

they do their job well
they deserve a raise in pay
for allowing me

to work, using them
as my car and gasoline
the means to an end

thank you, my word friends
you can go on vacation
your work is done here

I can't get off this phone

help me
I can't get off this phone
I can't find a break in the conversation
what can I do?
my hand feels like
it's going to fall off
quick
somebody say
"farmboy
I need the phone!"

only problem is
I live alone

and I don't have
call waiting

I'm going to be on here
forever

breathe

breathe in 
breathe out
repeat 
repeat
repeat again
breathe out 
breathe in
have mercy on your
next of kin
now's the moment to begin
now that moment's past

spreading weed

it's time to focus
time for you to concentrate
here is what you do:

close your eyes and breathe
pay attention to nothing
clean out that static

that's taking up space
in your tired overcrowded mind
like a spreading weed

that's outgrown its space.
you don't need it anymore
just throw it aside

difficult, I know
easier said than done
it may take practice

but that's okay, boy
you have a whole lot of time
with nothing to do

so you might as well
start it now, not this weekend
go ahead
I'll wait

Scraped the bowl, man

Scraped the bowl, man. I needed to calm down. You know, my leg's bothering me, there's money problems, people are shooting and bombing other people, the world's going completely to hell, and so I wanted the ganja, you know what I'm saying?

I understand, farmboy. I think that's okay. Just relax and get a good night's sleep and tomorrow will be another day.

Yeah, that's true. I'm hoping it's better than today. But enough fuckin' complaining. I got a couple hours in front of me to do whatever. Play computer word games, go on Reddit, play guitar as long as I keep it soft.

Right now I'm just living for the weekend, man. Hopefully I'll get some weed and relax some more. But I'll also play guitar, write, plan the summer. I want this to be a great summer, I don't know why.

I wouldn't question it. Myself, I would just go with it.

Yeah, maybe I'll do just that. 

if I was a freight train

if I was a freight train
I know exactly what I'd do
I'd head myself on down the tracks
a million miles from you

this is not a writer's block

I'm fresh out of words
ideas refuse to show themselves
this is not a writer's block
it's more like they're saying
"look
I work for you all fuckin' day
give me a rest
and I'll visit you tomorrow"

I'm satisfied

I don't know what to say
I'm satisfied
somehow today I'm feeling okay
I'm satisfied
maybe this living comes with some perks
maybe I'm not just another jerk
maybe the prozac actually works
I don't know
but something is on my side
I'm satisfied

Run over by a truck

Man, I've been so fuckin' tired all day. Yesterday was a long day. I had to go to this work training thing and then go out to coffee with someone I barely know for business reasons (he was a nice guy, though). Then I went home to change my guitar strings, practice a little, then down to the coffeehouse for a gig.

So today I feel like I've been run over by a truck. Basically, man, it exhausts me to have to be social for so long. I've such a fuckin' introvert, man. I like other people, I really do, but I find it exhausting to be around then for a long time. That's just the way I am.

And that's all right, farmboy. You're an introvert, you're an artist, you have a need to be alone. And that's okay.

Good, because I've been fuckin' good-for-nothing today. I mean, I got up from a nap then turned right around and went to take another nap! I mean, jeez.

So why don't you take the rest of the night off, farmboy?

Good idea. I may well do that.

expensive to be poor

the rent goes up
and the gas goes up
and the bills go up
more and more
I know one thing for sure
it's expensive to be poor

I wake up tired every morning
and work hard every day
for the power and the glory
or my meager pay
but somehow I don't bring home 
as much as before
man, it's expensive to be poor

you've got to be strong

turn off the lights
they're too damn bright for me
they're blinding both my eyes
and I don't want to see
if the road in front of me
is shorter than long
I'm telling you, friend
this life's so fuckin' hard sometimes
no reasons between the rhymes
nowhere to belong
you've got to be strong

there are dreams

there are dreams
that refuse to float away
no matter how hard
the wind blows

I don't know
if that's a blessing
or a curse

between living without hike
or believing in a lie
who am I
to  decide which is worse

Sure road to starvation

I'm sad.

Why, farmboy?

I'm sad because the night is almost over and there's so much I need to do. I'm sad because everything in the news is so fuckin' awful, man. I just read an article about this guy who just slit his throat in the fuckin' courtroom. I'm sad because there are so many people doing unspeakable things to kids. I'm sad because the world is fucked up because some people feel like they never have enough money and they'll do fuckin' anything to get more.

And what can we do about it? Do you have any solutions?

Fuck, man, I don't know. I guess you just live your life according to your own standards but sometimes it's like that's a sure road to starvation. 

What kind of standards are you speaking of, farmboy?

You know, like you're just fuckin' aware that other people fuckin' exist in this world and you act accordingly. It's like, just be fuckin' nice to each other, you know? I mean,  it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out these things.

Agreed. But what can you do about it tonight?

Not a damn thing. I guess you just take care of yourself so you can wake up tomorrow and continue fighting the good fight. And I guess that means finding ways to make the world better. And that would change from day to day. Some days it means that you're just fuckin' decent to each other. Some days you give something to people who are in need. And I'm not talking about material items or money all the time either.

Sometimes those things help, though.

I know, man. And if you can give in that way, you should. There's a lot of ways to give. There's a lot of things you can do.

So have I solved all the world's problems yet?

You're on your way to discovering what you can do in your own life. And that's a good thing, farmboy.

I just want to do my best to make sure I'm not one of those people, you know?

cranky electronica

european beats
cranky electronica
still you can't sing well

so much production
wasted like a teenage drunk
because of your voice

but still I listen
because there must be something
critical acclaim

but I hear nothing
good enough to hold onto
maybe it's just me

I want to love you

I want to love you
but I don't know how
in my life
love has never been allowed
I dream and I hope
and I plan and I pray
but love never seems to
travel my way
still I keep living
day after day
I keep waking up in the morning

I want to love you
but where do I start?
my head is wanting 
control of my heart
I think and I think 
then I'm thinking some more
but love never stops
to knock on my door
leaving me lonely
and walking the floor
still I wake up in the morning

I fuckin' isolate myself too fuckin' much

So I went out to a concert last night that I friend gave me a ticket for.

You know, that sentence just didn't come out right. I mean, I've just completely fuckin' ignored all the rules of good grammar. Or at least some of them.

I know what you mean, farmboy. Who did you see.

Janis Ian, and her opening act was a singer names Diana Jones, who I used to know when I lived in Austin. I got to say hi to hear and visit for a little while. She seemed genuinely glad to see me. It was cool, man.

Janis Ian was great. I took at songwriting class from her years ago. 

How did it feel to get out?

It was good. I'm glad I did it. I need to do that kind of thing more often.

It think it would be good for you, farmboy.

Yeah, I fuckin' isolate myself too fuckin' much. I worry about that more and more lately.

passage of time

I'm trying to figure out
this passage of time
because I don't like it one bit
I know that I should
but I don't see any good
counting seconds 
that never seem to quit
but I know my time 
will end someday
and thinking about it
I just want to say
that I love you

Adjusting to spring

Man, it's so late. It's fuckin' 10:30 already! How am I supposed to live my life when I have to go to bed and wake up in a few hours to go to my stupid job? I mean, jeez. You know?

Yeah, farmboy, life is tough. Didn't you just wake up?

Well, yeah. I went to lay down around six o'clock and I fell asleep. I was listening to this music podcast of All Songs Considered from NPR. I like that show. Fills me in on some music that I don't know. And there's a lot of that, believe me.

So, yeah, I guess I maybe don't have a whole lot of time when I fall asleep like that. I mean, I guess I maybe slept for what? Three and a half hours or something?

That's a good amount of time. You must have been tired.

I was. I didn't sleep too well last night.

Why not? Is everything all right, farmboy?

You know, it's basically the way it always is. There are always problems. It's called "life," I guess. Last night, though, I just couldn't get comfortable. I'm adjusting to spring or something. It's just not as cold as it has been and so I was too warm then too cold. Back and forth, you know. Tonight it'll be better.

It sounds like it already is.

I'm glad. I like spring.

warning

morning comes quickly
to this land of commerce, son
better get on board

before it's too late
you have no way of knowing
when the ax will fall

some days I am empty

some days I am empty
a hollow shell of a man
who is too tired
to notice anything

I look inside
and discover that I don't want to
delve deeper
feel too much
share my sorrow
too sore to touch

I am hungry for silence
I want to be calm
I will trust
that I will be here
tomorrow