I feel a good deal better

Feeling any better than yesterday, farmboy? I know you were feeling low.

Well, yes, in fact, I feel a good deal better because I heard back from one of the places that I have a grant for, performing-wise. So I'm getting more gigs and it looks like it will make the summer a lot easier. It's not all the money I need, but it's gonna allow me to pay rent and bills in September, and that's a great thing.

Good for you, farmboy. I can hear the relief in your voice.

Yeah, I get nervous about money and I start feeling like a fuckin' failure, man. It fuckin' sucks. But now I don't have to think about that, do I?

No you don't. You can spend your time and energy on other things, more important things. 

Yeah. Right now I'm thinking about this chicken soup I've got on the stove that I just made. I'm not feeling 100% physically and I think that'll help. 

And it's healthy, too.

Yeah. I could use something healthy about right now.

I ain't scared of working

Hey, can I ask you a question?

Sure, farmboy. What's up?

Do...do you like me?

Of course I like you. What kind of question is that?

I don't know. I'm just fighting being fragile and feeling stupid like I've made every mistake that it's possible to make.

And why are you feeling like that?

All these stupid problems, all these disappointments. It's the fuckin' money thing again, man. There's gotta be something I can do, you know? I don't know, I must be fuckin' stupid or something...

You're not stupid, farmboy. You're frustrated and worried and dumping shit on yourself isn't going to help you. You need more confidence, you need a better self-image. 

And how, o great interviewer, do I accomplish that?

Well, you'll need a plan. And then you'll have to do a lot of work.

I ain't scared of working, man.

That's good. 

How about the plan part?

I can help you with that, farmboy.

Thanks, man.

A shred of self-respect

I'm depressed, man. Money problems, I'm not going to my family reunion, and I'm almost out of weed with no money to buy any more.

I'm sorry, farmboy. I wish I could help.

I wish you could too, man. The money problems are the worst. I fuckin' hate 'em, you know? 

I know.

Man, I don't know. I'm not desperate yet, and I'm trying to hold on to a shred of self-respect. I keep trying to figure out things.

And you will, farmboy.

I know. It's just the fuckin' journey there that pisses me off.

still in your hometown

wherever you go
you're still in your hometown
wherever you go
you're still in your hometown
sister, what you doing
carrying all that shit around?

static

static fills my head
on a regular basis
by its own design

living its own life
leaving me stranded from truth
standing on the road

right thumb in the air
no road atlas by my side
to guide me onward

proud

take me to the fire
assure me I am not worthless
and I will make you proud

More of a songwriting life

All this stuff, man. It's the same old fuckin' same old, you know? Money problems, that kind of thing, and the usual frustrations. I'm so tired of thinking about me and all my problems.

I wanna be back at songwriting camp.

I bet. Songwriting camp sounds pretty ideal, I must say.

Oh, man, I can hardly believe I was there. But, you know, if I close my eyes and think about it, I'm still there. Which I am extremely grateful for.

I gotta figure out how to make my life into more of a songwriting life. I mean, I already do certain things...

Like what, farmboy?

I write. I write a good deal. I write every day, even though some of the writing isn't songwriting.

It's still writing, farmboy. You're making choices, you're making decisions.

That's true. Just writing in itself is a good thing.

I think I need to be around nature more, and around other songwriters.

You can do that, you know. You're the only one stopping you.

I know, man. That's the hard part.

love puts a quarter in the jukebox

love puts a quarter in the jukebox 
and plays a sad, sad song

mark of my disease

I live my life in shame
I brought disgrace
upon my Christian name
I know I
can never be forgiven
but listen to me please
you can't understand
the mark of my disease
branding me unfit 
and undeserving of heaven

I don't wanna isolate myself anymore

I'm back from songwriting camp, man.

Hey, farmboy, how was it?

It was fuckin' great, man. It was fuckin' awesome! I stayed in a yurt and I made friends and played music and I could have stayed there forever, man. I am so fuckin'
glad that I went. 

(farmboy remains silent for a few seconds)

I don't wanna isolate myself anymore, man. 

(farmboy starts to cry, then stops himself)

You don't have to, farmboy.

I want to be a songwriter, man.

You are a songwriter, farmboy.

I want my life to change...

It will, farmboy. It is.

I can't go back to my depression anymore, I can't do it. Something has got to happen. I have to do something, man. i got to.

long time, no see!

rise and shine!
time to face the internet!
let's see how our virtual friends
are doing in cyber space
no need to fear
the blogosphere
(excuse me while I take a hit
from my e-cigarette)
you are all like family to me
long time, no see!

open

I am open
you are open, too
let's see what two
damaged hearts can do
I wish that I could guarantee
that you won't be hurt by me
and I know it's true
you could hurt me, too
but I am
open

I am frightened
too close to the light
we try to fight
for what we know is right
I'd give everything to figure out a way
to grow without too high a price to pay
well, I guess sometimes
the cost of love is just too high
but I'm still 
open

hold me tight
I will hold you, too
together, me and you
we will carry through
across the weathered plains of fear
every day
it's getting near
I've heard every alibi
that love is just a lie
but I'm still hoping
I am
open

Seeing stars

Man, now I have financial problems on top of being sick. Fuck.

Do you want to talk about it, farmboy?

No, I'm sick of thinking about this shit all the time. Damn, my luck has been bad lately. 

On the brighter side, I'm going to a songwriting camp tomorrow. Did I tell you about that? Some wonderful person donated a scholarship with a private yurt to stay in.

Sounds pretty wonderful. Being outside, creating music, making friends...

I already know a bunch of people that are going. I just hate having this fuckin' financial stuff hanging over my head, you know?

I bet. 

But this songwriter camp should be great for you. You've been in your apartment way too much this summer.

You're telling me, man. I'm looking really forward to seeing stars. You can't do much of that in the big city.

And, maybe, who know? Maybe I'll write something I like. But I'm not pressuring myself. This is the closest I may get to a summer vacation this year.

Wanna hear details?

Aw, man, my life's falling apart again. I'm sick-- really sick -- and I feel like absolute shit.

What's up, farmboy? What are your symptoms?

Diarrhea. Wanna hear details?

That's all right. What else?

Nausea. Fatigue, you know, just complete exhaustion. I don't want most foods I like, but I want soup and broth and that kind of stuff. 

This fuckin' sucks.
'
So, farmboy, what are you doing about it?

Just hangin' out and trying not to worry, man. What else can I do? I'm just trying to live somewhat healthy, you know?

nothing of myself

not feeling good today
I will do myself a favor
and expect nothing
of myself

Social guy

Hey.

What are you up to, farmboy?

Not much, man, not much. Went to a party today. I'm a social guy.

What kind of party?

A music party. I don't really know any other kind of party, really. I mean, I've been to other kinds of parties, but that's so seldom. Non-music parties can be so fuckin' boring, man. People sit around, talking about their homes and their yards and their kids and what home improvement TV show they're watching. And that's fine, of course. I'm just not interested.

Music parties...I'm not much for those sometimes. Depends how I'm feeling. I had a good time today, I had a good time of the Fourth of July.

I'm glad that you're getting out, farmboy. I know that you can tend to isolate yourself sometimes.

Yeah, and I have to watch out that I don't overdo it. Especially in the summer.

So I am getting out, man. And it really is good for me. I gotta remember, I have friends. There are people who like me. I really don't know why.

That's why it's good for you to get out, farmboy. There are a lot of people who like you.

You know, man, I'd like to be one of those people.

summer runs quickly

summer runs quickly
like a deer in the forest
escaping danger

before she reaches
a back road. Here she will stop
in front of headlights

One-fuckin'-thousand times?

Hey, man, how ya doing?

I got some news for you, farmboy?

Is it bad news? 'Cause I always have enough fuckin' bad news in my life.

No, it's good news. Remember about how I keep track of things?

Uh...yeah! Like when you said that we've gotten together 500 times. That fuckin' blew my mind, man!

Well, farmboy, we've just hit 1000!

No way, dude. We've talked, like, one-fuckin'-thousand times? Man, that's fuckin' amazing! We need to celebrate.

What should we do?

Umm...I'm not sure. Let's talk about this for awhile.

That'll make 1001 times!

Sounds good to me, man.

Other beings of my species

Man, there's just been all this stuff. I unconsciously made this decision -- I may have told you, I don't remember -- anyway, I made this decision to say yes to things, to have contact with other beings of my species this summer. 

So I've been out to a pickin' party and a 4th of July party and I hung out with my old banjo teacher who was visiting from Austin, Texas.He's a good guy and we played music and talked a bunch. He's such a fine musician, Eddie is.

That all sounds good, farmboy. So what's the problem?

I don't really have a problem, per se. Is that French?

Is what French?

Per se.

I don't know. 

We should Wikipedia it.

Is Wikipedia a verb now?

Sure it is! It's an action verb. You can look it up on Wikipedia, if you want.

So what's going on with this new social leaf that you've turned?

I'm just trying to go to this camp for songwriters. And I'm trying to go to California. And money is a problem and I'm trying to exercise and feel better and eat healthier...

It sounds like you might be trying to do too much, farmboy.

Yeah, yeah, I know. It's just that I don't want to fuckin' isolate myself anymore. I learned that the first week of summer break, man.

Just take everything at your own speed as much as you can, and try not to get overwhelmed.

That's the word for it, man. Overwhelmed. That's what I've been. Thanks.

For what, farmboy?

For naming it. It's always good to be able to identify your situation, you know?

damage I can do

I've done a lot of damage
raised a lot of hell
but nothing as bad
as I inflict upon myself
you say you know me
but you don't know what I been through
you ain't seen nothing, baby,
compared to the damage I can do

One step closer to agoraphobia

So...

A needle pulling thread?

Um...what?

So. A classic Peter Gabriel album?

You're a funny guy.

I thought you'd be impressed, farmboy. 

So, as I was trying to say before I got interrupted, I've made this kind of unconscious decision to say yes to stuff this summer. Like, I've been to two music events and brought my guitar and played. And I have a chance to go to this songwriting camp my buddy Matt puts on. 

Are you going?

I kinda have to, you know? If I don't then I'm just a fuckin' coward who is one step closer to agoraphobia. 

It would be good for you, farmboy.

I'm gonna do it, man. I think I need to go, in a way. Change up things. Be around other songwriters. Maybe make some...

Friends?

Well, let's not go too far.

something happened

I was driving on a back road
around Ojai, California
when something happened
and I don't know exactly what it was
it was like my mind
cracked in two
I did what I could do
but something didn't care
something just does stuff
just because

just because
it doesn't like you
just because
it wants to see you cry
because it wants to see you
bid yourself goodbye
something happened

something happened
and you don't know what it is,
mister

matter

I want to matter
to somebody
to anyone who
will take me in
I want you to say
that I belong there
there's nothing wrong there
where the broken pieces mend
it's just that
if you let me
if you really do accept me
if you promise you're here to stay
it could never be okay
I'd only have to run away
and reject you in return

fourth of july

he was all lit up
like the fourth of july

sad haiku

wind on naked skin
I'm trying to imagine
that I'm someone else