weekend is over

weekend is over

brand new work week beginning

five days of waiting

if saturday was

repeated every morning

I would be happy

I'd be satisfied

to know I had all the time

to work for myself

blessedly peaceful

not much to report

today's been an okay day

blessedly peaceful

no dramatic words

no financial disaster

at least in my back

pocket. I am thankful

for all of the many things

I take for granted

it's a luxury

to live through a single day

without worrying

Chocolate and coffee

So this has been one generic Friday. Pisses me off, working. I find I haven't had time to even really think about music, much less create it or work on the CD or anything.

That's got to be frustrating, farmboy. What is the status of working on the CD?

Next step is to work on the songs and then record them in the studio I plan to use, just me and the ol' guitar. I'm going to have to fuckin' know these songs, man. Backwards and forwards. Sideways, upside down. I've going to know these songs so fuckin' well that I could play them in a fuckin' hurricane, man.

Sounds like a lot of work.

Yeah, it is. I want to be in love with these songs. I want them to be as good as humanly possible. (laughs)

I can't wait to hear this, farmboy.

You know, I want to say "Neither can I," but I know that's not true. I want to go through the process. I want to savor it, like chocolate and coffee. This, for me, is like falling in love. As corny as it sounds, I just want to be under its spell.

Just glad to be alive

Happy birthday, farmboy! How's your day been?

Thanks! It's been okay, it's even been good. Nothing much happened, which is fine, and I got a chocolate chip cupcake and Chinese food. So it's been nice.

How's your day been, man?

Good, a good day.

Good. It's funny, sometimes I appreciate "good" and today is one of those days. I like that I can just be home and take it easy, you know? This world is so fuckin' stressful all the fuckin' time, maybe "good" can take on a whole new meaning.

Such as?

Oh, man...I'm stoned...But, fuck, let me explore that. Sometimes it's good to be able to just catch your breath and enjoy life for what it is. Which is that I'm just glad to be alive, you know?

And so, let's just leave it as that, pure and simple.

Works for me.

That's good.

Thinking hard thoughts

Hey, farmboy, what's new?

Not a whole lot, man. How 'bout you?

(The interviewer shakes his head) Not too much, farmboy.

It's funny, you know. I mean, there is stuff going on, but it's mostly work-related and I hate talking about that stuff when I'm not being paid to, you know? Musically it's all good, 'cept that work takes up too much of my fuckin' time, time that I could be devoting to the music. Or maybe that's just an excuse for my pathetic lack of practicing lately.

Are you being serious?

A little bit. I mean, fuck, I'm still playing, of course. It's just that I haven't gotten used to working. (laughs) This new job is pretty physical and I'm pretty physically out of shape. So I end up being tired...

You also ended up being sick, farmboy. You couldn't have planned that.

Yeah. So, no, the news of my guitar-playing death has been seriously over-dramatized.

Thank God.

Really.

This ain't anything to be concerned about, I don't think. I think that working is a shock after the so-called summer this year. And after the great Kickstarter project. Man oh man, now that was a fuckin' great experience.

It's just the beginning...

...of the great 2012 album experience! I've been working on the CD, making plans, thinking hard thoughts. I think a sound is beginning to come together in my head. I'm having to think like a producer, like I'm the producer I would like to work with. Does that make any sense at all?

It does, farmboy.

It's like having to be your own role model. And this thing, this album thing, this is what I can be absolutely serious in. It's kinda like, in a way, like when I was a kid, I was, like, fourteen. And my dad and his brothers -- my uncles -- they all came barrelling through the back yard gate with this fuckin' black upright piano. For me. It was a fuckin' dream come true, man. And you know what I did?

What, farmboy?

I sat down and played, like I was born to it. Even though I didn't know how! (laughs) It was like my birthright or something.

And that's what making this album is. That's how I need to approach it. Like it's the natural thing to do, because it fuckin' is, you know?

I know.

Well,, you might need to remind me of it these next few months. In case I forget.

Which you won't.

I know. But I could use the company, you know?

hey farmboy

Hey, farmboy,

where you been

looking out the window again

thinking there's life beyond this schoolhouse

hey, farmboy,

whatcha knowing

look out for those seeds you're sowing

don't you be acting like some fool, now

'cause now is the time for some courage

now is the time for a little faith

now ain't no time to get discouraged

now ain't the time to play it safe

hey farmboy, feel it fly

in that big ol' baseball sky

open up your glove and let it in

hey farmboy, no time for thinkin'

eyeball winkin'

old Abe Lincoln's

thinkin' it's time to begin

'cause now ain't the time for analyzin'

now ain't the time to be scared

now's the time to go over the horizon

and take a look at what's over there

hey farmboy

hey hey farmboy

clean your glasses

enjoy the view

you got a whole wide world in front of you

I should be

Man oh man, what a fuckin' week. I'm hating this working for a living thing. My ass got fuckin' whipped this week, I tell you. I'm fuckin' exhausted.

So rest, farmboy.

Are you sure? I should be playing guitar, I should be writing, I should be working, I should be doing anything but recharging, you know?

Which is bullshit.

Yeah, it is. Which is why I'm gonna just settle down and mellow out. Weed, internet, orange chicken, it's gonna be a mellow night.

Have a good night, farmboy.

You too, man.

I am so tired

I am so tired

I can hardly stand up straight

and sleep's still to come

I work hard all day

and then when I make it home

work needs to be done

who will write the songs

if I don't have the time to

devote to them. I

think maybe I need

no job, no work, no problems

then I'll be okay

Makes you strong

Man, I tell you, I don't know what I should fuckin' talk about. Two things: 1) I get depressed when I'm not at work because I know that I have to go to work the next day; and 2) I had a great time tonight in my apartment playing my new songs and doing some other songs. A satisfying practice is a wonderful things. It's like lifting weights: Makes you strong. Nobody can take it away from you; it's part of you. It's what's real and true.

Wise words, farmboy.

Yeah. I'm a fuckin' philosopher, man.

Instinctual? Organic?

Man, I'm so fuckin' tired.

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing. I'm just tired. Physically tired. You know, need sleep, need quiet, that kind of thing. This working for a living fuckin' sucks, man. But I'm trying not to place too much importance about this. I'm just gonna take it easy and try to quiet down my mind.

Mondays suck, don't they?

Oh, man. Yeah.

On the CD front, I think I am going to record the whole album at the studio, just guitar/vocal demos. I think I can do that in an afternoon. I just have to be extremely practiced, but if I'm making a CD I should be extremely practiced anyway.

When do you plan to record it, farmboy?

Probably December, during the winter break. That's what I'm thinking. I think I'm passing on going to California during winter break. It's too soon, I think.

Sounds like decisions are being made. I'm glad to hear it.

It's all kinda -- I'm not sure of the word. Instinctual? Organic? It's like I'm filling up my head with all kinds of stuff, man, and the end result is a decision. About something. Hey, man?

Yes, farmboy?

(laughs) I'm stoned. You'll have to excuse me. I think it's time I get ready to go to sleep.

This album thing

Thinkin'.

Thinkin'?

Thinkin' 'bout making the CD. Thinkin' maybe I'll go into the studio where I'll be recording and record the whole fuckin' album in one afternoon so I can get comfortable in the studio and gives me the demos to work with.

I think that sounds good, farmboy. I think it's a wise decision.

Thanks, man. I need to hear that.

I'm getting obsessed with the album, which is to be expected and which is a good thing. I want to get more obsessed.

Glad to hear it. I'm looking forward to hearing the album, farmboy. Do you have any kind of schedule yet?

I'm planning for it to come out in, like, April or May. In the spring, you know? Start recording basic instrumental tracks in December, do my local recording in the next three months, go to California to record during spring break.

All this, you know, can change at any time.

Which is just fine. You have a plan, and that's what counts.

Yeah. I can still hardly believe that I've got this money now and it's for making an album. I am so thankful, man.

I bet.

This is gonna be so much fun, this album thing. This is gonna be good.

love exists

all the songs say

all the poets write

all ships sail through

the lost and lonely night

just to come here

only to witness

love exists

every kindness in

every reaction in

every daily dose of

dissatisfaction

every hand

that does not clench into a fist

love exists

deep inside so far

I cannot tell you where

that is where I hide my love

keeping it safe

like it can never be repaired

and there is never enough

any unexpected

smile or cry

any star

you stare at

in the summer sky

any teardrop

that fades inside a kiss

love exists

don't let my dreams die

don't let my dreams die

in vain. I have worked too hard

to bring them to life

my imagination

works overtime most of my days

my mind does not rest

nor do my feelings

forever hurt and on a search

to be who I am

Left Right Left

So I have this new idea for a song title, man.

Shoot.

"Left Right Left."

Um...okay...

You don't hear it.

Look, farmboy, you're the songwriter. You're a born songwriter. This is what you do sometimes: you take a phrase or a word that we've heard a countless amount of times but never notice and you put them in an emotional context.

Cool.

What do you think?

I like that, and I think that's a true statement about songwriting -- among others, that is.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm going to use it for or when I'll use it or even what it's gonna fuckin' mean.

What do you know, farmboy?

That I just fuckin' like it.

living on earth

I don't want to think

I want to lie wide awake

under desert stars

and stare all night long

and the wonder and glory

of living on earth

and be calm for once

in my complicated life.

I would be at peace.

Just fuckin' buzzing, man

It's happening, man, the obsessive thinking I was telling you about. It's like this kind of torture, a kind of war going on in my mind. You know, two fighting sides. Which, of course, is the way my life's always been like. It's just a whole lot more fuckin' pronounced during this kind of time.

So, basically, I don't know what to do. My mind is just fuckin' buzzing, man. I mean, it has, like, a charged-up battery. I've already called the coffeehouse and asked, you know? I mean, there's not much further this stuff can go, right? So I'm just dealing with hurt feelings and a fuckin' mind that obsesses over every fuckin' detail.

I mean, now I'm feeling like I'm not a good musician and that's why I'm not on the show. And that may be true...

farmboy, stop...

(starts to cry) Fuck, man, I don't know...

Have you taken a clonazepam?

Yeah. I did, about ten minutes ago.

Give it some time, farmboy. Try to find something to get you out of your head. One of your podcasts or something to read. A TV show.

I don't have a TV.

You can watch shows on the internet. What I'm saying is see if you can find something that holds your attention.

Okay. I'll look. Maybe there's a podcast I can fall asleep to. I haven't listened to This American Life yet this week.

My catalog of feelings

Fuck, man, I'm depressed again.

What happened? Are you okay, farmboy?

No, man, um, it's stupid. Not only is it stupid but it's a fuckin' rerun, you know? That thing that happened with the coffeehouse -- you know, where I was asked to play but then I saw a poster with my name not on it? Well, just about the exact same thing happened again.

So now I'm going through my catalog of feelings. You know, disbelief, then anger, then hurt, with spots of guilt between each one plus the reoccurring thought that I am just a fuckin' piece of shit. So I'm gonna try not to take it seriously and just get through it...

farmboy, are you starting to cry?

I'm just getting closer to the hurt feelings and hopefully that'll pass quickly and then I can figure out what to do.

So that's all. No big deal. Maybe I can fall asleep.

Damn, though, I'm so tired of fuckin' analyzing every fuckin' thing. I'm so tired of overthinking. Man, I hate this shit. So let's see if I can become an observer and just move through it.

Do you really think that's possible?

Oh, I'm sure it's not. But just the thought of it is preferable to my fucked-up obsessive thinking where I'm just gonna come out the loser anyway. Believe me, I know,

Halfway-confident

So I started at the new school today, man.

How was it, farmboy?

It's new. It's something to get used to. People were nice, the students are great, and I'm very thankful that I'm working in something I feel halfway-confident in. Of course, it is a fuckin' day job, you know? Not that I'm not thankful. I am, believe me.

I'm also way tired.

Go rest up and get some sleep.

Okay. I will, man.

happy haiku

don't make me happy

'cause I don't trust happiness

when it comes to me

no, I am broken

I am sad and I am weak

like a wounded dog

but I will not talk

about those kinds of feelings

'cause I am happy

and I just wanted

to keep you informed that I

do not talk about it

Fuck, yeah, man!

Hey, farmboy, how's it going?

The goal has been met.

What?

Today my Kickstarter project reached $3000. $3300, actually. I also got $350 in checks from people who didn't want to do the credit card thing over the internet.

Was today the final day?

No! It's still got a couple more days. Can you believe this!

This is excitement time, farmboy!

Fuck, yeah, man! When I stop and think about it, man, this is fuckin' amazing!

You're going to make an album!

I'm gonna make an album, man!

You know, there's so much I could say right now, but I think I should give this endeavor the respect it deserves and just focus on this for a little while.

You'll get back to the regular grind soon enough.

I know. So I ain't talking about that fuckin' shit right now. Now is the time to rejoice in this victory.

Am I being overdramatic enough?

No, farmboy. I agree, time to celebrate. And I'm glad I get to do it with you.

I like this feeling good about myself, man. I like it a lot, you know?

Remember your priorities

How far along are you with the Kickstarter project, farmboy?

Oh, man, I got live five days left and I'm 90% there. It's slowed down a lot, which I've heard is normal. I'm going to send out a reminder email tomorrow and update the information on facebook. So next week I'm going to start work at a new school with new staff and new students and complete the Kickstarter stuff.

Busy week.

Yeah, I gotta remember to take care of myself, you know, to get sleep and quiet time and all the stuff I need to do to not burn out. I'm nervous about the fuckin' job, but I tend to be nervous about everything, all the time. Like, to use a chiche, the roof's gonna fall in. I'm so overpreparing for it that I can't notice much about what's going on at that moment. Or something like that.

Can I make a suggestion?

Sure, man.

Well, to use a cliche, keep your eyes on the prize. Remember your priorities, remember what's important...

Music.

Exactly, farmboy.

Thanks, man. That's so true. Jobs will come and go, but making albums...

That's what's closest to your heart, farmboy.

Yeah. That's what's closest to my soul, man.

All that matters

So I got assigned for work today.

Is that a good thing, farmboy?

I hope so. I hope it works out, man. I need some fuckin' stability in my life.

But you know what?

What?

I still don't want to talk about it. I want to think and act on music alone. It's weird. I know I need to have a job, and I want to be responsible and pay my bills and shit like that, but, damn, work takes up way too much fuckin' time in my life...

Time that could be devoted to music?

Exactly. That's all that matters, in the long run, you know?

Just what the songs need

How are you doing, farmboy?

Okay, you know, for being in the dark about my job or my financial matters. It's a good thing about this Kickstarter stuff, I tell you, man. That's going well. Really well. I have a week to go and I'm, like, almost 90% there. Or I will be in fifteen dollars. So that's going better than my fuckin' real-life day job.

You're getting close to your goal.

Yep. It's a good feeling. I spent much of today trying to work out a tentative budget for the CD. You know, I do my dream CD where I spend too much money and my cheap CD where I see how frugal I can be, Today I worked on the frugal one, which will be closer to what I actually will do, thank God.

Thank God?

Well, I have to wear the producer's hat as well as the artist's hat and the artist wants to put all kinds of stuff on the CD while the producer wants to serve the songs as best as they can be served. Which, really, the artist does too. It's just that the artist is, you know, an artist wants to try all kind of stuff.

So what I'm mainly doing is trying out all kinds of things in my mind so I can figure out just what the songs need.

That's all very interesting, farmboy. Let me ask you, do you enjoy this process? Are you having fun?

Oh, it's a fuckin' blast, man! It's great fun and it's actually really exciting. I wish I could do this full-time, this being a musician.

There's still time.

You never know, man. I could still do it.

I used to be sentimental

I used to be sentimental

I used to keep scrapbooks of old photographs

I used to save letters

there was nothing better

than cheap history for my own behalf

I used to dig devouring details

remembering moments from my misspent youth

but that was a game

now all that remains

are visions of the cold hard truth

memories

are not what they used to be

they burn behind me

like the last dying ember

yesterdays

keep fading away

they turn into gray

when I try to remember

I used to be sentimental

a long time ago

back when I was a fool

now it's merely elemental

nowadays I keep my cool

I used to be eternally homesick

I listened to oldies on my car radio

but those days are through

the music I knew

is left in the dust of so long ago

I used to write sonnets to sunsets

(I am embarrassed I was once so naive)

But that was a long time

an old sappy song time

oh what a fool I was to believe

memories

are not what they used to be

they stare right at me

and demand my surrender

yesterdays

keep fading away

lost inside purple haze

when I try to remember

I used to be sentimental

but those dreams have melted

like last winter's snow

I want to move on

but where have they gone?

I guess I need to know

I wish I could talk

I wish I could talk

about the folks who are friends

to me in this life

without being trite

without being so corny

nothing like cliche

'cause that's just not cool

not in this world of ours

we all must be cool

unemotional

never really showing true

feelings. fuck. damn them

I am at the point

of not knowing how to feel

teach me to relearn