The final hurrah

Spring break is over, man. This is it. The last night. The final hurrah. The good times are fuckin' over, man.

Do you really believe that, farmboy?

Of course not. I hate to admit this, but it's good for me to have some kind of routine, you know? Otherwise I'd just be stoned sitting at a computer all day with occasional trips to the guitar.

Also, there's not much I can do to change it. I just have to accept that spring break ends.

Very grown up of you, farmboy.

I know. Fuckin' amazing, ain't it?

complaint

I'm so tired
of all my whining
and I don't know how to stop it
my mind just keeps going
analyzing every injustice
I can conceive of

and all the while
real life goes on
without me

here and now

you remember
a little at a time
stuff comes back
when you're not even trying
you worry
about the days to come
just looking out
for number one

time doesn't stand still
no matter how we try
we're all one day closer
to the sweet ol' bye and bye
so take in all the goodness
that time will allow
in the here and now

Today I am a winner

In my email this morning I received an mp3 by this folk/bluegrassy type duo from Kentucky. They recorded one of my songs for their new album and they sent it to me!

How is it, farmboy?

It's so fuckin' great, man. It's got mandolin and fiddle and guitar and bass and harmony...fuck, it's just so great! You know, at those times that I have every day when I'm feeling kinda blue, I would think to myself "This ain't no ordinary day, boy. This is the day you heard your song done by someone other than yourself.

That's wonderful, farmboy. That means they liked the song enough to record it and that other people will hear it.

Yeah, ain't that fuckin' something, man! It makes me feel really fuckin' good. You know, today I am a winner.

I'm glad to hear you say that.

Believe me, I'm glad to say it.

Life is fuckin' hard

I want weed. And I want it now. It's my spring break and I should have some weed. But I'm out. Life is fuckin' hard, man.

Are you serious or are you joking, farmboy?

Both.

Could make for a good song, you know?

Just checking in, man. 

What have you been up to, farmboy?

Been writing, been babysitting my niece, who's gonna be seven in July. She's great, you know. It's weird -- children make me sad, not for them but for...I don't know...

Yourself? Your childhood?

You'd think it would be so easy, but it's more fuckin' complicated than that. I need to get in kind of a safe place, emotionally speaking, and examine that, explore it. Could make for a good song, you know?

I'm sure it would, farmboy. I'm glad to hear that you've been writing.

Yeah, it's interesting. So much of songwriting is just getting out of your own fuckin' way. I feel like I have to give myself permission to write fictional songs sometimes, which is just fuckin' stupid.Shit like that.

But I'm writing. And writing, my friend, trumps fuckin' everything else.

if I could hold, v.3

if I could hold you
forever
in the shadows of my heart
I would have a thousand reasons
to never let the teardrops start

if I could hold, v.2

if I could hold,
inside my heart,
a vision of your face
with your brightest smile
and your hair hopelessly out of place
it would give me inspiration
to reach out 
and join the human race
amazing grace
if I could hold, 
inside my heart,
a vision of your face

if I could hold

If I could hold, 
for one moment, 
a memory of you
like an unprinted photograph
black and white
sure to make me blue
I would choose to remember the good times
before either of us knew
the damage we could do
if I could hold, for one moment,
a memory of you

if I could hold,
in my lifetime,
a love to keep me warm
I would probably refuse it
or misuse it
with the instinct of my scorn
but maybe the stars will be aligning
and I could be reborn
a brand new morning
if I could hold, 
in my lifetime,
a love to keep me warm

if I could hold
just one promise
in the palm of my hand
I'd pick that one time 
when you told me
you would always 
try to understand
but nothing is like it's imagined
or turns out the way you planned
like we planned
if I could hold
just one promise
in the palm of my hand

a memory of you

If I could hold, 
for one moment, 
a memory of you
like an unprinted photograph
black and white
sure to make me blue
I would choose to remember the good times
before either of us knew
the damage we could do
if I could hold, for one moment,
a memory of you

if I could hold,
in my lifetime,
a love to keep me warm
I would probably refuse it
or misuse it
with the instinct of my scorn
but maybe the stars will be aligning
and I could be reborn
a brand new morning
if I could hold, for one moment,
a memory of you

It's just Wednesday, man

I am so fuckin' tired.

So go to bed, farmboy. It's after 10:00. If you go to bed and fall asleep now you could get a good night's sleep.

But I just got up! I came home from work and went to lay down at about 6:30 and I just woke up. There's got to be more to this life than just sleeping and working.

It's frustrating, I know.

And in a lot of ways I have it better than most people.

That's true. Everybody probably gets frustrated. And tired.

I wish it was Friday, man. So I could sleep late and smoke weed and drink coffee.

You could do that now, farmboy.

Well...no I can't. I have to go to my stupid job and I'm trying not to smoke weed during the week.

That's good.

It sure makes getting off work on Fridays really special, I tell you what. But it's just Wednesday, man.

You're more than halfway through the week.

But I want it to be Friday now. (laughs)

Then I guess you're out of luck, farmboy.

Think I'll go back to sleep. Good night, man.

break even

I'm not asking for much
all I want
is an opportunity to catch up
to break even
to undo the damage
that I have done
I have made mistakes
but I do not deserve
to be punished
for the rest of my life

These humans I share my life with

Today I talked with my old friend who I've known since kindergarten. It was good to talk with him. He's got unemployment problems and, well, we ended up talking about how we remember being children together and how life has, well, turned out not so great. Which I don't even want to admit but I confess that I've felt that way more than a few times lately. It's such a fuckin' shame, man. 'Cause I know that we're not the only two people who feel that way.

Does it feel good to have known somebody for that long, farmboy?

It does, yeah. It makes life less lonely. And I'm thankful for that because life can be so fuckin' lonesome sometimes, you know?

I'm glad you asked that, 'cause it's so fuckin' easy to go right past that and go on to my usual way of thinking.

Which is...?

Which is to go on my way putting out the fires immediately in my path just in time to deal with whatever new fires come up. And they always do.

That's what a lot of life is, farmboy. Sorry to have to tell you.

Oh, I already know that, man, believe me.

What I need to do is take just a little time to look around at these humans I share my life with while I put out fires and be thankful that I have friends. And some last your whole life, you know?

It's a wonderful thing, friendship.

Man. And I know what it's like to be lonely.

Fuckin' scares me sometimes

Hey, man, how you doing?

Good to see you, farmboy. I haven't heard from you too much lately. Is everything okay? I saw you briefly yesterday and you said your leg has been improving.

Yeah, and I'm so glad. I mean -- not that I deserve a medal for this or anything -- I kinda lived with this constant pain for almost three weeks. And it's not even that the pain was that extreme. It's just that it seemed never-ending and it affected sleep and my biological defenses were down so I was open to everything. Plus the fuckin' side effects, man, and drug interactions and all...I just haven't been much in the mood for talking.

That's understandable.

I'm sorry, man.

No need to apologize, farmboy. I'm just glad to see that you're on the mend.

Thanks. Yeah, I been such a fuckin' hermit lately. Fuckin' scares me sometimes.

I'm sensing a little bit of a panic from you, farmboy.

That's true. There's the beginning of a panic. I can feel it.

Would you like to discuss this more at another time?

Yeah, I would. I need to. I think it's become important to talk about it. But right now isn't the time. But it will be time. Soon.

I'll be here.

I'm betting on it, man.

Guest on Letterman

So my leg is doing a whole lot better, man. I think that I should be a guest on Letterman...

Nice rhyme, farmboy. How is your leg? Any improvement?

I can still feel it, of course, but it doesn't take up every fuckin' second of my attention. I am very grateful.

water to a boil

bringing water to a boil
takes its own sweet time
(slow as it can fuckin' be)
if you're waiting
if you're watching

but if you're not looking
it's an explosion
all over the stove

art can be like that

I hope

control

I've earned more control
that I'll never, ever know
I'll make do somehow

Frank visits the farm

Frank visits the farm
he grew up here
his boyhood home
he knows the horses in the barn
the sweetness of 
the honeycomb
it always puts
his mind at ease
he comes and goes whenever he pleases
a good mama and papa
family and Jesus
the stars so high
in the Idaho sky
Frank has come to stay

your friend codeine

maybe
I should have turned left
when I fought to turn right
I stayed up way too late
last night
watching rich assholes
on a TV screen
with my new best friend
your friend codeine
oh...
I got a price to pay...

Relax

I tell you, man, I'm so fuckin' tired of my leg hurting. But there's also all the meds and the side effects and the stuff that you do to counteract the side effects.

Has there been any improvement, farmboy?

Yeah, it's not near as bad as it was a few days ago. I haven't used pain medication since Friday. Believe me, I'm thankful for that.

I'm incredibly tired and I'm sleeping real poorly. I need to relax, I need a really good night's sleep.

Maybe that'll be tonight.

That would be so fuckin' great, man.

refusing

I am refusing
to clear out the static in my head
I will not turn off the radio
(good old radio)
I will not breathe deep
I will not
calm down

I am rebellious!

I may also be stupid sometimes
maybe

meditation for dummies

you may think it's silent
but listen closely
you might hear
the sound of your own heart

I'm still amazed. It's amazing

I'm sorry to complain, but I'm just really tired of being in physical pain -- even though it's not extreme pain by any means -- and side effects from medications and all that fuckin' shit. It just seems never-ending. I know I'm just whining, but I want to go back to not feeling so fuckin' lousy all the time, man.

I bet, farmboy. It's been almost two weeks. That's a long time.

I'm just such a wimp when it comes to pain. 

You know, farmboy, it is pain and you feel bad. But you're taking care of it and it'll be over soon. And then you can go back to your normal life of, well...

Being depressed and worrying about money?

Those are your words.

And they're true words. But, you know, I'm still so knocked out by what my songwriter friends did -- pitching in to help me -- that I'm not all that depressed. I am grateful, man. I'm still amazed. It's amazing.

And it's lasting longer than this temporary physical pain, farmboy.

I'm gonna sound so corny, but I think some part of this is gonna last forever.

It will, farmboy. There's no two ways about it.

Yep. And that's the way it should be.

you belong

no matter what you say
words can stand and block the way
I have news for you today
you belong
you belong

The highlight of my day

Boy, I tell you, man, it's not that I'm super-depressed or anything. I'm mainly just waiting for this stupid injuring-my-leg thing to be over. I'm fuckin' ready, man. I mean, not only is there this fuckin' physical pain involved but the drugs I'm taking have these side effects like nausea and the whole thing is just a drag that's dragged on now for over a week. And I know that it ain't nothing, but I just want to move on.

And you will, farmboy. It's a fact, which I'm sure you know. You're a smart guy. When do you go to the doctor next?

Tomorrow after work.

So you're back at work, eh?

Yeah. It beats laying around the house thinking about how much I'm hurting. I mean, you can't sleep forever and sleeping seems to be the highlight of my day lately.

But, you know, I'm not depressed. This is just everyday living stuff that happens, man.

It's good that you know that, farmboy. How long until you go to bed?

Oh, an hour or two. I'm gonna take some pain meds. That'll help me fall asleep. Then I'll wake up and go to work. But in the meantime I'll be in bed. One of my favorite places, you know.

Me too. Especially on weekends.

Yeah, that's the best. When you can drink coffee at midnight and stay up and smoke weed and go to bed at, say, three or four in the morning.

And you can get up whenever you want.

That's so great. I don't know if there's any time that's better than Friday night or Saturday morning.

Now you've got something to look forward to, farmboy.

I do! Now I just have to get through the rest of the week first...

no good

today I did not capture imagination
I stayed within my boundaries
and performed my menial tasks
robot-like
cut and dry
no emotion 
no imagination and no emotion
is no good
for those of us
who put words to melodies
we keep thinking:
there should be more
there must be more
and knowing
that there is
but not knowing
when

Impatient

My fuckin' leg still hurts, man. It's been a week, I've gone too the doctor, I take the medications and it still hurts.

Sorry to hear that, farmboy. Don't you go to the doctor this coming week?

Yeah, I go on Wednesday. 

I'm just being impatient, man.

You? farmboy impatient?

Sarcasm does not become you, asshole.

I have known

I have known great kindness