An impatient man

So there's not a whole lot going on, except today is payday, so my bills have been paid. It's getting warmer, summer is coming, I'm worried about money…what else can I say? I don't feel like digging too deep today. And I think that's okay, you know?

You sound tired, farmboy.

I am, man. It's the middle of the fuckin' work week, and I am an impatient man. I don't do well with waiting. I want the weekend and I want it now, dammit!

Anyway, I guess I am tired. I just drank a big cup of coffee, though, so maybe I'll have a little more energy. Or maybe I'll just continue to be cranky, I don't know.

I think you need a good night's rest, farmboy. Why don't you go lay down for a while?

I might, but I'm gonna wait a few minutes till that Fresh Air show comes on the radio. Then I can lay down and get lost in an interview. I love interviews.

Which is what this is -- an interview. I'm interviewing you.

Yeah! I forget about that sometimes. It just seems like real life to me now. 

anxiety haiku

my thoughts are racing
but I am not competing
there's nothing to win

man in the moon, verse two

I've been trying 
to ease my worried mind
but there's no denying
that you're leaving me behind
I feel like dying
'cause you've been two-timing
with the man in the moon

man in the moon

I been hurting
not sure what to do
but I know for certain
it's concerning you
'cause you've been flirting
you've been flirting
with the man in the moon

little brown dog

Hey, man, me and my guitar student Chris wrote a song together. I think it's fuckin' brilliant. Wanna hear it?

Of course I want to hear it. Play it, farmboy.

Okay, here goes.

(ahem)

little brown dog
you're out of luck
you just got struck 
by a big mack truck
your head's over there
your feet's over here
way over yonder's
your belly and your rear
you just woke up
listen to me now
if you're dead
you can't bow wow wow

Pretty fuckin' great, eh?

Umm…how can this dog wake up if he's been hit by a truck and his innards are spewed all over the place?

I didn't think about that. I guess we all can't be Loudon Wainwright III.

OTD

chorus:

you're OTD
out the door
I don't wanna see you
anymore
after the shit
you've put me through
it's OTD for you

The parking lot at Walgreens

I am so fuckin' tired right now, man. I'm always so fuckin' exhausted when I get home from work. I mean, I could fall asleep right now, but I can't because I have to go somewhere in about an hour.

Where are you going, farmboy?

Well…if you gotta know, I'm going to the parking lot at Walgreens where I'm meeting a friend of mine who's gonna sell me some weed.

That'll be good, right? That should make your night better, shouldn't it?

Oh, it will, you better believe me. I can't wait.

And speaking of can't-waiting, tomorrow is Friday and then it's the weekend and I can kinda let myself be myself. Of course, it's the last weekend of the month and I don't have much money. But I'm giving a guitar lesson Saturday so that'll bring in some cash. Which I will definitely need -- my gas tank is heading toward empty.

How are you paying for the marijuana then?

He's actually fronting me the weed until I get paid next week. I hate doing that, but…damn, you know, there just isn't a lot of happiness in my life. I feel sometimes like all I do is worry and that I have no control over my own life. You gotta have something, you know. I mean, I have music and that's the major deal, of course. But…I don't know, man, life is hard and people are greedy and cruel. If I can't make a profit for other people then I'm basically a failure in life…

That's not true, farmboy. You're not a failure.

Well, I don't know, man. I sure ain't a success, that's for sure.

Remember, farmboy…you're a songwriter and musician and you'll never be a failure if you're working hard at your craft. It's important that you know that.

Yeah, I know. But, fuck, it would be really nice if I got some kind of break, musically speaking. I would like to not work so much in a vacuum. I'd like people to hear my songs, I'd like to perform, record, all that stuff. I just want to not be so fuckin' lonely all the time. Is that too much to ask? 

lonely guy land

a cup of hot coffee
a pipeful of weed
and a bowl of warm oatmeal
is all that I need
to start off the workday
the best way I can
here in lonely guy land

my coworkers think
that I'm somewhat normal
wear jeans for relaxing
a bow tie is formal
but little they know
that they can't understand
my life in lonely guy land

I stay awake till the dawn
and I sleep until two
'cause I ain't got 
nothing better to do
I'll be sitting right here
when the shit hits the fan
here in lonely guy land

give me a snort 
and a bottle of beer
and I can make
my blues disappear
life's a circus
and I'm the magic man
here in lonely guy land

I'm willing to work hard

Man, I tell you, I fuckin' need to write a song.

So go ahead, farmboy. Write a song.

I mean, I want to write a keeper kind of song, the kind where you go "Fuck, man, did I write that?" after you write it.

So what are you doing about your predicament?

Ooooh, "predicament." I'm impressed.

Thank you. So what are you doing?

I'm writing. That's all I know how to do. 

Well, just be patient, farmboy. It'll come.

I am hoping you are right, man. 'Cause, fuck, I'm willing to work hard, you know? I'm willing to write a whole bunch for a long time if it means coming up with just one fuckin' song that I'm proud of.

Good. Because that may be what you have to do.

That's what I'm afraid of, man.

I ain't weak no more (full song draft)

I can do it
I know I can
I ain't been lazy
I been making plans
I can do 
what I couldn't do before
nothing to it
say amen
I got a helping hand to lend
I tell you, friend, 
I ain't weak no more

yesterday
is dead and gone
today's the day
I'm moving on
tomorrow
is knocking at my door
first one step
and then the other
I got one thing 
to tell you, brother
I've discovered
I ain't weak no more

all that time believing
I could not be strong
maybe I've been deceiving
myself all along

I'm as strong
as I can be
trouble stay
away from me
yes-sir-ee
I'm more than you bargained for
trouble keep
your mouth shut
the truth is gonna
kick your butt
I tell you what
I ain't weak no more

all that time I wasted
thinking that I wasn't strong
I've never been so happy
to find out I was wrong

snap your fingers
clap your hands
even better
than you planned
spic 'n span, man,
that you can't ignore
after all
you put me through
I know what I
am gonna do
I'm telling you
I ain't weak no more
you know it's true
I ain't weak no more

ode to Easter

Easter's here
eggs are hidden
sugar-free
is now forbidden
spring has come
and I'm not kiddin'
everything is green
Easter's here
cows are mooing
mom and dad
are barbeque-ing
all the kids
got fun a-brewing
winter's split the scene

Easter's here
and everyone is happy
look at all the ladies
dressed so snappy

Easter's here
Christ has risen
bands are marching
with precision
and we're in
the parade with them
the skies are blue and clear
Easter's finally here!

that ain't me

I have to move my feet
I need to change my thoughts
I want to turn myself
into someone I'm not
I want to fly 
high
like an eagle in the sky
but it's someone else
it's that other guy
I need to be myself
but I just can't be
'cause that ain't me

I should be married now
I need to save some cash
start writing hits
instead of writing trash
I want to begin
to win
with a new attitude
but it's someone else
it's another dude
I need to protect 
my dignity
and that ain't me

          what am I gonna do?
          I'm so unhappy
          'cause I'm not you

I should do magic now
pull out the tablecloth
a caterpillar grows
into a gypsy moth
I want to start 
my heart
give society the finger
but it's someone else
it's that other singer
the one who always
sings on key
but that ain't me
I look into the mirror
and disagree
that ain't me
go find somebody else
and please just let me be
that ain't me
that ain't me

The social contact gene

Hi, man. I'm at work, it's after quitting time, and I'm just killing time until 5 p.m.

What happens at 5 p.m., farmboy?

I'm going to see a friend I haven't seen in quite a while. We're gonna have coffee and talk about music, you know, life, all that kind of stuff. It'll be good to see him. I don't see enough of my friends.

It would be good for you, farmboy, if you were to see more of your friends. I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I've noticed that you have a tendency to isolate yourself from people sometimes.

Sometimes? Well, that's a fuckin' understatement. I've isolated myself my entire lifetime...

And there are times you may still have to isolate yourself. But, with those exceptions, I don't think you need to isolate yourself so much.

Yeah, well...It's tough, you know. I'm sorta afraid of people. It's kinda sad. I don't trust people. I seem to require a lot of time alone.

And that's okay, farmboy. And it's good that you feel comfortable being alone. But I think it would be to your advantage if you were to be around people more often.

Yeah, I know. And it's true. Sometimes I get really fuckin' lonely. But I don't fuckin' know, man. It's like there's some part of my DNA that's wrong. I didn't get the social contact gene.

 But I'm working on it.

I'm glad. You deserve to be less lonely.

I hope I deserve that. I don't know what any of us deserves. Sometimes I think I'm just lucky to not be born in a third world country, or to be some kind of psychopath, or...I don't know. I fuckin' think way too much.

I think you should give yourself a break more often, farmboy. You really don't need to take the entire world on, you know.

Yeah, that's true. I'm getting a little better at it. I just can't help thinking sometimes.

I'm not saying that you should stop thinking. I'm just saying that you just need to give yourself a break. That's all. But I don't want to tell you how to think.

That's what you've been fuckin' doing, man.

I know. I'm sorry. 

That's okay, man. Basically, I agree with you. I need more of a social life outside work. Which is why I'm leaving right now too see my friend. Time to load up on coffee, man. 

waiting for the week to end

(well, I'm just)
waiting for the week to end
so I can be myself again
so I can hang with friends
and feel human for a bit
('cause it's a)
page of yesterday's news
the monday-thru-friday blues
lord knows I've paid my dues
in this job
that treats me like shit
now, I don't meant offend
but I'm gonna tell you again
I'm just waiting for the week to end

All kinds of tired

I'm so fuckin' tired, man. I am all kinds of tired. I just had a cup of really strong coffee but I'm still just draggin'. 

So can you relax, farmboy? Do you have much that has to get done?

I'm doing okay. I need to play guitar for a little while and then I'm pretty clear. I don't know what I'm gonna do, though. I wish my iPod worked. I miss lying in bed, listening to podcasts. There's not a lot of good radio in Portland.

You've got NPR…

That's true. And there are some listener-supported non-commercial stations that are very good, I'll give Portland that.

So, anyway, I may just go lie down for a while. 

You have a good evening, farmboy.

Same to you, man. Don't let the fuckin' bedbugs bite.

again and again

R.I.P. Rod Kennedy,
director of the Kerrville Folk Festival

you will always
have the best music
you will always
hear the finest songs
you will drink
the age-old brandy
and eat catfish
all day long
you will know
the prettiest ladies
you will have
the very best of friends
and we will have
all our stories about you 
and we will tell them
again and again
amen!
we will tell them
again and again

Something new to play

Hey, man, sorry I haven't been around much lately. I've been writing a lot.

Does anything look promising, farmboy?

I'm hoping so. How's that for a wishy-washy noncommittal answer?

Works for me.

I've been playing a few things, and I don't know if they're keepers or not, but it feels so fuckin' good to have something new to play. You know, I keep thinking that if I work at it and work at it and work at it I might eventually get better.

You will, farmboy. You are. You have.

Yeah, from your lips to God's ears, man.

Sluggo

So I've decided I should name my artistic inspiration, man.

You mean your muse, farmboy?

I hate that word! "Muse" just sounds so fuckin' pretentious. So I have to name it. 'Cause if there's one thing I've learned from that radio show RadioLab, I've learned that everything has a name.

Great show, by the way.

Don't I fuckin' know it.

So what's your artistic inspiration's name?

Sluggo.

Sluggo?

Yeah, Sluggo. What d'ya think?

You know, maybe "muse" isn't that pretentious…

It sure ain't as entertaining as "Sluggo," I'll fuckin' tell you that, son.

I won't forget

I will walk out this door
I will jump start a car
I will drive a million miles
from wherever you are
to look at the world
without pain in my eyes
to feel what it's like
to be glad I'm alive
don't know I can forgive
but for sure you can bet
I won't forget
I won't forget

itch

I like the way 
our bodies fit
we are a
perfect match
you're the habit
I can't quit
the itch I
need to scratch

pucker up

everyday I sing 
the same old song
yes sir yes sir 
all day long
I nod at all 
they have to say
then I turn and do it 
my own way
hey assholes 
of the upper class
pucker up
and kiss my ass

weightless

I want to be weightless

Ahem.

Hey, maybe you can help me out with this, man. 

Sure, farmboy. what can I do?

This friend of mine asked me to write some quotes for his new website and it's just kinda hard getting started. But it's just my usual fuckin' writing anxiety. My friend, Richard -- he's a great guy, an amazing guy. So I just want to make sure that what I'm writing is good.

So in other words, you're being a perfectionist.

Well…uh…

So give me a quote.

Ahem.

When I think of Richard the first thing that comes to mind is his humanity, which is present in both his music and his life. Richard hasn't given up on the people and their capacity for goodness. His generous and loving spirit is reflected in his music and lyrics, in songs presented as gifts to his listeners.

Wait, here's another one:

His songs remind us of the beauty of life, love, and strength within ourselves and our fellow human beings.

It's gonna take work, I know, but at least it's a start.

You should be able to get something out of that, farmboy.

I think so, man.

song of looking back

I remember you
back in the old days
when life was simple
or, well, that's what we thought
the moon hung high
in new york city
where we sold everything
that could somehow be bought
ah, we were going to make it big
man, we were really going places
the limit was the open sky
high above 
wide open spaces

where, exactly, my old friend
does all that time go?

you are safe

now, my friend,
you are safe
all your pain will disappear
take a breath
you are safe
there's no one who 
can touch you here

just the facts

last night I dreamed
I died and went to heaven
and at St. Peter's gate
I saw a book
it had my name
and housed my last impressions
I couldn't help myself
I had to take a look

the book was filled with 
fun facts and statistics
lists and quizzes
and songs I used to play
"Betcha by Golly Wow"
by the Stylistics
fascinated by the attention 
to my many yesterdays

Clayton had an illness

Clayton had an illness
that made him terrified
of anything that had to do
in regards to being alive
Clayton knew there must be some way
to follow to survive
so, judge, your honor,
he had no choice but to do…

I shoulda been

I shoulda been smarter
I shoulda been taller
I shoulda been gifted
a pro basketballer
I shoulda been rich
shoulda had a break
should been wise
but I don't learn from mistakes

calm down

calm down
the time to worry is through
there's nothing left to do
the worst is over
calm down
it's finally time to rest
you did your very best
now you're a little older
take a breath
smoke some weed
drink some wine
do what you need
to do
calm down
the time for worry is through

It's hard work being so angry and depressed

I'm not doing well, man, but I am doing better than yesterday, thank God. I'm still really angry and really depressed, and, actually, I'm feeling majorly hopeless…but it's still better than yesterday when my mind was just fuckin' raging, you know?

I'm very glad to hear that your mind has calmed down some, but I'm concerned about you feeling depressed and hopeless, farmboy.

Don't worry, man. I'm supposed to buy some weed tomorrow and it'll be the weekend and I can hide away and not have to be around people. I can get stoned and eat bad food and stay in bed all day. Ain't life great? 

Just be kind to yourself, farmboy. Be calm. Try to fit in some fruits and vegetables and maybe even try to get out and see somebody. Your brother and his wife? Your niece?

I'll probably see them. A friend of mine from Massachusetts is playing at the coffeehouse this weekend, but I don't know if I can really afford to go. 

I don't know. It's hard work being so angry and depressed, and I'm tired. I mean, I don't want to be angry and depressed. You know, I feel more drugged when I'm in this state than when I do when I've been smoking weed. A lot more drugged. It's fuckin' amazing how physical anger and depression are, man.

But you say today has been better…

There's been a real improvement today. I just gotta not think so much about all the fuckin' shit my fuckin' job puts me through…puts us through. Me and my co-workers. Portland Public Schools is so fucked. I look at the people in charge and I think: These people are in charge of the education of our students? You know, from what I see, the teaching staff are all overworked and underpaid and under appreciated by this fuckin' administration. What a bunch of fuckin' leeches, man. They should be fuckin' ashamed.

So tell me about something good that's happened, farmboy.

Um…..I'm getting some weed tomorrow and it's the weekend…

Happened, farmboy. Past tense.

Well, let me think…I ate these great tangerines today. They were sweet and they didn't have any seeds and they were easy to peel. Vitamin C. I know this ain't much, but you have to look at the small stuff sometimes and be grateful, you know?

It's just fuckin' unhealthy, you know?

It's been a bad day and it's been a bad week and it all has to do with my fuckin' job, which I don't want to talk about because it's my fuckin' job. But the problem I have is that I obsess over things and I'm angry -- fuckin' furious, if you want to know the truth -- and I don't know how to stop thinking about it. And I need to. It's affecting my sleep, it's just doing this whole number on me. It's just fuckin' unhealthy, you know?

Any suggestions, o wise interviewer?

Do you have any marijuana, farmboy?

I wish, man. I just scraped the fuckin' bowl a couple hours ago. Looks like I'll be getting some on Friday, though. Thank God.

I just want you to remember that this is only one part of your life, and that this will pass. You have other parts that you can focus on: music, writing, friends, family. You have an album coming out in a few months.

You'll be fine, farmboy. You'll barely remember this someday. Don't let it get you so angry that the anger's going to consume you.

Thanks, man. I  will remember that. 

I hope so.

I hope so too.

for the money

it's a fuckin' shame
what's become of you
I keep hoping
that it just ain't true
but it's amazing
what some people will do
for the money