before I was afraid of you

I was kidnapped by your memory
and it took me for a ride
back to the days of childhood
and every tear I did not cry
and it drove me back 
to show me something
I forgot I knew
before I was afraid of you

your memory took the back roads
as it drove me through the past
to the sound of unbound laughter
I thought would always last
running around 
on solid ground
but in your arms I flew
before I was afraid of you

but every child grows older
quicker than was planned
and it eventually comes time
to make the boy a man
I recall only glimpses
of the affection you withdrew
before I was afraid of you

I don't remember much
and perhaps I'm better off
but sometimes small memories come
and I recall a father's love
you did what you thought was right
but, oh, the price we paid
we never knew
before I was afraid 
before I was afraid of you

playing it safe

I cut my pills in half
I got decaf in my cup
I drink water sometimes
and pretend it's 7-up
I take my vitamins
more often than not
my space at the graveyard's
already been bought
it's the deluxe plot

         I'm playing it safe
         playing it safe
         playing it safe 
         and that's all right with me

Storytelling 4

farmboy is taking a storytelling class and is preparing his first story.

Outline 4

Introduction:

I was waiting for the ambulance, lying where I had fallen on the concrete and gravel, when it started raining. I thought, well, it just doesn't get worse than this. Little did I know. This was just the first in a line of transitions.

-- going to emergency
-- falling twice
-- admitted into hospital
-- diagnosis and surgery
-- moved to physical rehab, legs in braces

Middle 1: life in rehab

-- preconceptions about rehab
-- "...surreal and time machine"
-- having own room, friends with instruments
-- (song) keep the pain meds coming
-- but it was the staff...
-- examples of staff
           -- multicultural
           -- caring
           -- humor
           -- staff would hang out
-- it had been years since I lived with people
-- insert personal info re: walls
-- how staff broke through walls

Middle 2: mental breakdown

-- surgeon gives okay
-- try to stand, crying, flashback, therapists' reactions
-- the next two weeks, failure, misinformation
-- desperation, suicidal thoughts, dependency

Middle 3: leaving rehab

-- another transition
-- going to second rehab, brother's house
-- isolation and too much time to think
-- the novelty of loneliness
-- hanging out, by rehab
-- wanting connection
-- (song) what did I do

Conclusion: a work-in-progress

Another thing I did after I could leave the apartment and get around was get professional help. I knew I was in over my head. 

-- emotional health work
         -- therapist
         -- psychiatrist
         -- outpatient mental health rehab
-- therapist: "they are not your friends"; "live your life"

I am living my life It's not easy and I hate it sometimes. I still miss the people from the rehab and will be grieving for a long time. I still can't believe they are not my friends, no matter how I try. And, believe me, I try. But in the meantime I live my life. And I do things that I never would have done without these experiences:

-- becoming closer to a few people
-- songwriting and performing
-- storytelling class
-- Ireland

in other words, I'm living my life, no matter how much it hurts. I m getting help. I am a work-in-progress and I am moving in the right direction.

Storytelling 3

farmboy is taking a storytelling class and is preparing his first story.

Outline 3

Introduction:

I was waiting for the ambulance, lying where I had fallen on the concrete and gravel, when it started raining. I thought, well, it just doesn't get worse than this. Little did I know. This was just the first in a line of transitions.

-- going to emergency
-- falling twice
-- admitted into hospital
-- diagnosis and surgery
-- moved to physical rehab

Middle 1: life in rehab

-- preconceptions about rehab
-- "...surreal and time machine"
-- having own room, friends with instruments
-- (song) keep the pain meds coming
-- but it was the staff...
-- examples of staff
           -- multicultural
           -- caring
           -- humor
-- it had been years since I lived with people
-- insert personal info re: walls
-- how staff broke through walls

Middle 2: mental breakdown

-- surgeon gives okay
-- try to stand, crying, flashback, therapists' reactions
-- the next two weeks, on deadline, misinformation
-- desperation, suicidal thoughts

Middle 3: leaving rehab

-- another transition
-- going to second rehab, brother's house
-- isolation and too much time to think
-- the novelty of loneliness
-- hanging out, down the street
-- wanting connection
-- (song) what did I do

Conclusion: a work-in-progress

Another thing I did after I could leave the apartment and get around was get professional help. I knew I was in over my head

-- emotional health work
         -- therapist
         -- psychiatrist
         -- outpatient mental health rehab
-- therapist: "they are not your friends"; "live your life"

I am living my life It's not easy and I hate it sometimes. I still miss the people from the rehab and will be grieving for a long time. I still can't believe they are not my friends, no matter how I try. And, believe me, I try. But in the meantime I live my life. And I do things that I never would have done without these experiences:

-- becoming closer to a few people
-- songwriting and performing
-- storytelling class
-- Ireland
-- in other words, I'm living my life, no matter how much it hurts. I m getting help. I am a work-in-progress and I am moving in the right direction.

(song) but I will

Storytelling 2

farmboy is taking a storytelling class and is preparing his first story.

Outline 2

Introduction:

I was waiting for the ambulance, lying where I had fallen on the concrete and gravel, when it started raining. I thought, well, it just doesn't get worse than this. Little did I know.

-- going to emergency
-- falling twice
-- admitted into hospital
-- diagnosis and surgery
-- moved to physical rehab

"There are two ways I have of describing what my experience was like: surreal and time machine.

Middle 1: life in rehab

-- preconceptions about rehab
-- having own room, friends with instruments
-- changing places with real life/movie
-- but it was the staff...
-- insert personal info re: walls
-- how staff broke through walls
-- I like people. I need people.

Middle 2: mental breakdown

-- surgeon gives okay
-- try to stand, crying, flashback, therapists' reactions
-- the next two weeks, on deadline, misinformation
-- desperation, suicidal thoughts

Middle 3: leaving rehab

-- going to second rehab, brother's house
-- isolation and too much time to think
-- the novelty of loneliness
-- hanging out, down the street
-- wanting connection

Middle 4: recovery, or something like it

-- therapist 1
-- therapist 2
-- "not your friends"
-- "live your life"

Conclusion: a work-in-progress

-- living my life
-- emotional health work
-- other work
-- songwriting
-- Ireland
-- still a long way off, but the work continues
--still needing connection
-- standing outside rehab
-- going home, where, like it or not, there is life to be lived

I remember you

sometimes I think
that prayers don't get answered
I've never believed
dreams never come true
I know for a fact
that wishes aren't granted
but then I remember you

most of the time
my mind wants to say
everything's hopeless
and there's nothing we can do
I keep planning my escape
preparing my breakaway
but then I remember you

chosen people 2

they're the chosen people
they know how to play the game
you can tell by the capital letters
that follow their names
I'd like to get to know them
but they just can't seem to see
there's a human being inside of me

they're the chosen people
east side of the street
the nicest people 
you'd ever want to meet
and it may break your heart
but you'll never get in
there's a human being inside my skin

they're the chosen people
I feel lower than dirt
it's nobody's fault
but there's only one side that gets hurt
soon they'll forget
completely about me
they won't notice they're without me
there's a human being they can't see
there's a human being inside of me

I feel too much

watch yourself
don't speak
don't touch
I've got a disease
I feel too much
I feel too much fear
when someone comes too near
between strength and might
and flee or flight
I'd like to disappear

watch yourself
don't make
any fuss
I'm fuckin' sensitive
I feel too much
I feel too much when
I consider you a friend
between waking up
and sleeping
I'd like the day to end

watch yourself
I've had 
enough
go away
I feel too much
I see my reflection
when I think of rejection
between living and dying
I'm trying
to make the selection

I need some kind of connection

watch yourself
I've had 
it rough
I've got a disease
I feel too much

put me to sleep 3

put me to sleep
sing me a lullaby
of vials of codeine
entering my veins
put me to sleep
I'm not yet a butterfly
I'm an ugly old caterpillar
yearning to change

I need to rest
pass me my medicine
I need that bottle
to calm down my nerves
watch some TV
man, I miss Dave Letterman
giving politicians
what they deserve

          put me to sleep
          any way you'll allow
          I need to sleep
          somehow
          
put me to sleep
pass me the pipe, my friend
and the wine
and the cheetos
and TV listings online
put me to sleep
I'm saying goodnight, and then
I'm off to slumberland
hey, turn out the light

Storytelling 1

Outline for storytelling class:

title?

Introduction:


           Scene of accident; ambulance; hospital

Intro statement 


         The most descriptive terms for my experience: surreal and time machine...

Middle section 1

          Going to rehab. Expectations and reality. Writing songs.

          Staff at rehab. Rehab trading place with real life.

Middle section 2

           Learning to stand. Mental breakdown. Getting worse. 

           

           Leaving rehab.            .               

           Stops at 2nd rehab and brother's house.

Middle section 3

          Going home. Isolation. Thinking of 1st rehab, needing to be part

          Going to rehab, longing. Getting professional help. Trying to recover. 

          "They are not your friends."

Conclusion

          Going on with life and trying, working. New experiences, Ireland...

          I am always longing to be back with those people. 

          But I'm trying to move on. I'm trying...

      

the very special day

man, I wish I was someone else
for just one day
not myself
I'd succeed like no one else
because I wouldn't be in my way
think of a!l the fun I'd have
my sad old life would be a laugh
I'd have to take a photograph
of that very special day

there I am
as a normal person
doing normal things
like normal people do
normal just like you
there I am
as a happy guy
with family and friends
no reason to pretend
too bad it has to end
too bad it has to end

I know this sounds self pitying
but it's really not
my nerves are shot
where's the coffee pot
I need my medicine quick
man, all I need is just one day
to mastermind the blues away
I'm sorry to have to run away
but I think I'm gonna be sick

there I am
as a normal person
doing normal things
like normal people do
normal just like you
there I am
as a happy guy
with family and friends
no reason to pretend
too bad it has to end
too bad it has to end
too bad

people's answering machines

sometimes I call
people's answering machines
just to hear a voice 
to calm myself down
I wait for the tone 
but I don't leave a message
I hold in my breath
I don't make a sound

          nobody's ever at home anymore
          so calling's safe as can be
          I call my friends and my therapist
          and pretend that they're talking to me

sometimes I write
emails to people
who've rejected me
and I leave them as drafts
I don't censor myself
from what I'm really thinking
when I think of those letters 
I just have to laugh

          revenge flows like venom from a snake
          or heroin entering the skin
          sometimes one or two slip out
          that won't happen again
          
sometimes I wish
I could be connected
to other people
but I know it's a dream
so for now
leave a message
at the sound of the tone
it's the sound of your own
answering machine

I don't want to feel anymore

I don't want to feel anymore
I need some help, doc, that's for sure
I want to become numb myself
blind, deaf and dumb myself
I can't be among myself
without a trace of mental health
I don't want to hope
I don't want to hope anymore

I don't want to dream anymore
disappointment knocking on my door
I need to respect and accept
this is as good as it gets
no need to get upset
I want a cigarette
I don't want to dream
I don't want to dream anymore

the cliffs of western Ireland

the cliffs of western Ireland
still yearn to tell the story
of years and years of history
in it's majestic glory
the bravery of every
woman, child and man
that fight the brutal storms
off the cliffs of western Ireland

chosen people

they're the chosen people
they know how to play the game
you can tell by the capital letters
that follow their names
I'd like to get to know them
but they just can't seem to see
there's a human being inside of me

they're the chosen people
they work on up the street
the nicest people 
you'd ever want to meet
until you consider
that they'll never let you in
there's a human being inside my skin

they're the chosen people
I am lower than dirt
everything's about their feelings
God forbid they get one hurt
soon they'll forget
that I ever was alive
just how stupid can I be
thinking that friendship might include me
there's a human being I can't see

Pinetop Perkins, master of the keys

I was jonesing for some tater tots
so I walked to the supermart
I was standing there in frozen foods
when they came through with their shopping cart
an old, old man in a wheelchair
his home nurse turned and looked at me
she said "I work for a legend, friend,
this man's a part of history"

          she said
          Pinetop Perkins is his name
          and music is his claim to fame
          blues piano is his game
          so, honey, if you please
          come over and shake his hand
          surely you must understand
          Pinetop Perkins is the man
          master of the keys

she guided me to shake his hand
she said that she was mighty proud
to work for such a fine, fine man
who played the blues for choosy crowds
he shook my hand and signed his name
a cursive old school autograph
I told the nurse "This made my day!"
she just looked at meand laughed

          Pinetop Perkins is his name
          and music is his claim to fame
          blues piano is his game
          so honey, if you please
          come over and shake his hand
          surely you must understand
          Pinetop Perkins is the man
          master of the keys

I can't stop feeling

I don't want to feel
because when I start to feel
I can't stop feeling
and there's one fact for certain
if feeling means hurting
I can't stop feeling
give me faith
give me hope
give me alcohol and dope
anything to help me cope
with the pain
I won't complain
if you mess with my brain
just don't let me feel
because when I feel
I can't stop feeling

I ain't finished yet

I tell the same old tired jokes
I like to dip my toast in runny yolks
and I got some things to say to all you folks
I ain't finished yet
to be an old, old man like me
you've gotta have a lot of history
you kids stay here, it's not time to leave
no, I ain't finished yet

          

you don't have to be a turtle 3

you're always hoping and a-wishing
you weren't ruled by your emotions
you're always asking for permission
that's why your heart's forever broken
if you want to change
the shape it's in
you're going to have to get
a thicker skin

          you don't have to be a turtle
          but you need a shell
          to protect you from
          rejection
          you know, love's the highest hurdle
          so respect yourself
          take care of your heart

friends I used to know

lately I've been thinking
of friends I used to know
or at least I thought they were 
friends from not so long ago
I want to ask was it my fault
was it something I did wrong
maybe we weren't really friends
maybe I imagined it all along

          and sometimes at night I wonder
          where in the world did they go
          all of a sudden they disappeared
          the friends I used to know

when did I disappear 2

I don't know how I feel
God knows I've tried
but I always come up empty
when I look inside
I knock at my door
but there's nobody here
when did I disappear

I pass by a mirror
and I still see my face
but when I look into my heart
something's out of place
my life was once in focus
now everything's unclear
when did I disappear

my hopes and dreams are tuckered out
and my heart's overused
everything else is either
anxious or confused
my dreams have all evaporated
to the atmosphere
which did I disappear

when I wake up tomorrow 
I'll still be someone else
searching my memories
for some meaning for myself
I don't know where I'm going
but my time is drawing near
when did I disappear
when did I disappear

Emotional stuff is hard work

It's been an exhausting day, man. The weather sucked, which is what it tends to do this time of year. 

Cold and wet.

And windy, out where I live. I swear, Belmont Street around Mount Tabor is a fuckin' wind tunnel.

Why are you exhausted, farmboy?

Went out today and had an intense session with my therapist. Then I went out in the gray and the cold and met with the teacher of this storytelling class I'm taking. And that was intense, too, because we're talking all about the fuckin' accident and recovery...it was like a therapy session. He's a good teacher, though. You can tell that it's important to him that he does the best job he can.

So, anyway, dealing with all that emotional stuff...I know I sound like a fuckin' wimp, but that emotional stuff is hard work, man. I can't believe how hard. It's like songwriting can be sometimes.

You've been through a lot, farmboy. You've been through a traumatic event. You're working hard physically, and, if you don't mind me saying...

I don't.

I think you're still processing everything.

But it's been almost a year ago!

That doesn't matter, farmboy. This stuff takes time. And you're committed, you're putting in the work. You're making the effort. Look at yourself. Your focus on the problems is so strong that you're not able to see all that you're doing.

Oh, I see it.

For about five seconds. Then you move on. Whereas, is somebody says "boo!" to you you blow it all out of proportion and overanalyze it for a couple of days. At the least.

Basically, farmboy, you don't give yourself credit.

I know. I'm with you on that.

So start giving yourself credit.

I'll try. It's hard. This whole thing is hard.

I know, farmboy.

It's hard, but it's not impossible. I'm just being a little whiny bitch, aren't I?

I love how "bitch" is now a unisex word.

Yeah. Same with "dude." Words can be weird.

ancient song 3

inspired by a facebook post by Marsha Webb

I was awakened this morning
by the sound of coyotes
singing their ancient song
I needed to be
a little less lonely
so I nervously howled along
soon my voice was swallowed
by the big canine choir
as I tentatively made my way in
and as our voices climbed
higher and higher
I found I was one of them

I was awakened this morning
by the sudden departure
of the bus I was supposed to be on
I took it as a sign
of impending adventure
and that I should be moving along
and as I put on 
these old worn hiking boots
I tried not to think or look back
and I prayed for the courage
to find alternate routes that 
my spirit seemed to lack

I was awakened this morning
by an unfamiliar voice
and it wasn't the radio
whispering gently
that I had no choice
but to relinguish control
I tried hard to fight it
I tried to resist it
but it wouldn't leave me alone
I didn't know if it was God
or some kind of mystic
but it kept calling me to go home

ancient song 2

I was awakened this morning
by the sound of the city bus
I was supposed to be on
I took it as a sign
of impending adventure
that I should be jumping upon
and as I put on my hiking boots
I tried not to think or look back
and I prayed to the Lord
for all of the courage
that my spirit seemed to lack

if feelings were fireflies

if feelings were fireflies
I'd catch one in the blink of an eye
in an old mason jar
with holes in the lid
I'd capture it as it flies
but for now
I don't know where I'm going
who I am
I have no way of knowing
somebody help me
I'm drowning on dry land

if feelings were fireflies
I'd run inside and show it to mom
I'd say
"look what I found!"
and unscrew the lid
she'd laugh
"put that damn thing back down!"
but now
I'm no longer a child
nobody cares
what I find in the wild
somebody help me
I'm drowning on dry land

if feelings were fireflies
I'd run and I'd catch them all day
but I'd always remember
to open the jar
and let them fly away
but for now
I don't know what I feel
and right now 
I don't know what's real
somehow
I'll have to reel 
my fireflies in
bring them inside from the wind
until the day I can feel again
and then
move on where I can be me
if feelings were fireflies
I'd set them all free

when did I disappear

I don't know how I feel
God knows I've tried 
but I always come up empty
when I look inside
I knock at my door
but there's nobody here
when did I disappear

I look in the mirror
and I still see my face
but inside my heart and mind
there's something out of place
I used to see in focus
but now everything's unclear
when did I disappear

my hopes are tired
and my heart's overused
everything else is either
anxious or confused
my dreams have all evaporated
into the atmosphere
which did I disappear

when I wake up in the morning
I'll still be someone else
searching through the past
for some image of myself
I don't know where I'm going
but my time is drawing near
when did I disappear
when did I disappear

snow day

I am trapped inside this apartment
by Arctic cold and freezing rain
no vehicles roll down the street
except emergency vans with chains
schools are closing for the day
trash can lids become sleds
but the activity I crave the most
is going back to bed