manifesto

let me tell you
what we believe in
don't worry
you can trust us
if you're like us
you feel deceived and
hell-bent on
poetic justice
we know our minds
and we've made our plans
to take the law
in our own hands
finally they may understand
what we can command to do
we'll be here when all is through
we could use a kid like you

life is rough and times are hard (possible bridge)

life is rough
times are hard
best stay in
your own backyard
call the dogs and cops
and lock the gate
life is rough
times are hard
don't bug me, man,
I'm sick and tired
of challenges I don't appreciate

life is rough and times are hard 2

troubles many 
choices few
hell, you just do
what you can do
and live with
what are the consequences
choices few
troubles many
but there's a fool
who don't have any
so tuck in your shirt
and gather your defenses
it's easy if you live
in present tenses

life is rough and times are hard

life is rough and times are hard
when you're living off your credit cards
and every day the balance
climbs higher and higher
times are hard and life is rough
and when you believe you've had enough
they throw another log
into the fire
don't tell me, man,
you're preaching to the choir 

when sleep comes (possible bridge)

and where will your dreams take you tonight
swimming to Africa
flying over rush hour traffic
where will they take you tonight
places from the world atlas
national geographic
you've been here before
in these hostels and rest stops
and oceans and mountain ranges
you've been here before
and you know that you will again

when sleep comes

when sleep comes
and your eyelids close
in anticipation of
another nightly show
nobody knows
where they come from
but you know these dreams
could only come from you

when sleep comes
to take over the dark
you don't see the shadows
or hear a dog bark
there is life
all around you
but right now you are lost
in your own private movie

Fear of jumping

Let me tell you something, man. You know this whole fuckin' accident thing? What scares me the most is that I might let myself slip back into the same fuckin' life I've always been living.

Can you be a little more specific, farmboy?

Well, what I mean is that I have always had a pretty unsatisfactory life. I know, there are some good things about it -- God knows I won the big door prize in living my life in music, plus my family and friends -- but inside I'm so fuckin' afraid.

Afraid of what, farmboy?

You name it.

Come on. You can do better than that.

Okay, asshole. I'm afraid of time. I'm afraid to take chances 'cause they might lead to death or some other catastrophe. I'm afraid I'm stupid. I'm afraid that I'm unable to be in a healthy, caring, intimate relationship with another person. I'm afraid I'm untalented. I'm afraid of fuckin' heights.

Fear of falling?

Fear of jumping. That's my problem. Don't show me the cliff, 'cause I'm gonna be tempted. And I don't know why.

Anyway, what all this is coming down to is that I want to make a breakthrough in my life. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't need to be afraid anymore. I can do this.

I know you can, farmboy. I have never doubted you.

You know, man, that helps. Thanks.

I'm okay, man. I just don't want to settle anymore.

It stays light until, like, 9:30 at night

This is my final night at my brother's house. I go back to the apartment tomorrow and then come back on Friday to house sit and feed the cats while they go to Maine.

Will you be there for the fourth of July, farmboy?

I will, yeah. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do, but I'll be there.

You could have friends over.

I thought about that. I even called a friend of mine, but he and his husband are going away for the weekend. Maybe I'll talk to some other people. I don't know. I'm also afraid that it's gonna be hot and there's no air conditioning in their house.

It could be fun though...

It may happen, man. If nothing else, I may invite a couple other friends come over for supper sometime this weekend. But I know that they're busy on the fourth.

It's no big deal, though. I don't think I did anything last year. I like the fourth of July. I like fourth of July food.

Like potato salad?

I love potato salad and hot dogs and burgers and watermelon and that kind of stuff. I love summer. No fuckin' school, skies can be blue, and it stays light until, like, 9:30 at night.  Hopefully I'll be able to leave the house.

But no matter what, it'll be good. I think it's good for me to kinda go between my apartment and my brother's house right now. I love my apartment, but when you can't really leave it can get old after a little while. Plus I can always watch TV at my brother's place, which I don't do at home.

I worry about watching too much TV sometimes and I don't even watch that much TV. I thought you had a TV, farmboy.

I do have a TV. I just don't watch it very much.

Anyway, I'll be at my brother's for the fourth. Stop by if you can. It would be great to see you.

I just might do that, farmboy. Thanks for the invitation.

Any time, man. Hey, if you come over, bring some chips, okay?

secret

I have a secret
maybe I'll tell you
but you've got to promise
to keep it to yourself
'cause this is a secret
that's meant only for you
it doesn't belong
to anybody else

all my life
I've been alone
no place for a heart
to call a home
an invisible future
severely unknown
was all I had
in front of me

I had a dream
but I quit believing
it was like I quit breathing
till you came along
now, I have my pride
and I like to be right
I tried with all my might
but I admit I was wrong

I never thought
I could learn how to love
I thought it was something
I was not a part of
and if it ever found me
it could never be enough
to fill my bruised
and barren heart

Animal rights, climate change, pad see eu

You know, man, I'm sorry I keep talking about this stupid accident. I feel like I'm a broken record, just playing the same song over and over.

This accident has been the focus of your life for the past four months, farmboy. What else are you going to talk about?

Well, there's the state of the world, a surrealistic election, art, music, sports and films. There's literature, the environment, the Middle East, Taylor Swift, the news media, the popularization of podcasting, my inner feelings about my family and friends, and skyscrapers.

There's the value of solitude, the need for socialization among homo sapiens, the fate of the family farms, noise pollution, water skiing, cable television, wild versus farm-raised salmon, the latest cooking trends, wine tasting, the future of fossil fuels, the fuckin' economy, and quinoa.

There's aircraft carriers, racial issues, used Kleenex, hubcaps, potable water, BASE jumping, floor sanding, pottery, barbecued brisket, universities in Calgary, Alberta, national anthems, electric guitars, wooden decks on tiny houses, fountain pens, biscuits and gravy...

Now I'm hungry...

...The absolute lack of nutrition in student lunches, animal rights, climate change, pad see eu, computer keyboards, recycling, wheelchair maintenance, dogs, skateboarding, chutes and ladders, electrical outlets, spinach scrambles as opposed to omelets, asphalt and gravel, cement driveways, and the question of will Hamilton change the general perception of the Broadway musical.

There's rearranging living room furniture, Judd Apatow movies, socialism, marijuana culture, French impressionism, untuned pianos, Native American history, chocolate cupcakes, grocery stores, Twitter, wet paint, little villages in Italy where entire families live, the drug cartels in Sinaloa, and milkshakes with local berries.

There's big-box department stores, Wi-Fi, women's issues, incorrect punctuation, speed-walking, frozen bananas, stale popcorn, bedroom slippers, heroin, sleazy sex, tossed salads and scrambled eggs, doorknobs, English-speaking foreigners, bathroom reading, mineral water with fresh lemon, window blinds, agriculture, steel rails, and old, forgotten daydreams.

Okay, farmboy, you've made your point.

Now about the fuckin' accident...

ocean

I remember you
swimming in the ocean
like it was nobody's business
back when you
never had the notion
you would have to ask forgiveness
you were like a child then
even though you were 22
you were running wild then
learning just what you could do
you threw your head under the water
you breathed through your nose
you got sand and salt water
on your salvation army summer clothes
where do you suppose
everything changed 
I know one thing you don't know
you were not to blame
you were not to blame

Two dozen cups of espresso

Oh, man, I'm all fuckin' stressed out. I'm here at my brother's house and things aren't going real well.

What's going wrong, farmboy?

It'll pass, but I'm all anxious like I've drank, like, two dozen cups of espresso. It's all frustration, it's all little shit. Like I left my grabber at home -- that's the thing I use to pick up stuff since my legs have been fucked up. And, of course, I fuckin' drop everything.

There's some emotional stuff going with my niece and that concerns me. And financial stuff as well.  -- that's what started this whole thing off. And I'm having to deal with the lawsuit. I'm just all fuckin' kind of stressed out. I'm just feeling all kinds of pressure in my life right now.

So they're all problems that will pass, then.

Yeah, and I'm totally aware of that. And after talking to you I'm going to do nothing for a while. Maybe I'll listen to a podcast or something. I gotta get this crap out of my mind.

Good thinking, farmboy. Redirect yourself.

That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna try not to worry for the rest of the day. That's my goal.

Now all I have to do is not pressure myself to not worry. It's kinda a balancing act, if you think about it. Or something like that.

Solutions will come

I'm here at my brother's house. Couldn't hardly fuckin' believe it, man, I got out of my apartment, down the stairs, up the walkway to the street where I got into a car for the first time in ten months. Got to my brother's house; I got out of the car and was able to somehow get up the stairs and inside the house. Fuckin' amazing, man, this mobility thing. Another set of skills learned.

That's really good, farmboy. You've been doing a fair bit of problem solving in the past few months.

I know, right? That's, like, all I do anymore. Of course, there's been a whole lot of problems. All sorts of shit.

But you've persevered, farmboy. You've had to learn a lot of things with no preparation.

Yeah. It's interesting, you know. That's the part I kinda enjoy in a way. And I'm beginning to understand that I can do that, that solutions will come.

That's a pretty major breakthrough, farmboy, if I may say so.

Well, now I just have to remember it. It's all about not panicking, man. You just got to think a little bit.

The swing of things

Well, I'm going back to my brother's house.

What happened, farmboy? Is everything all right?

Oh, yeah, it's fine. It's going good, in fact. I'm going there so I can be with my niece during the day. She's out of school now and both my brother and his wife are working, so I'm just trying to help them out a little. I mean, they've helped me an amazing amount these past few months.

Yes, they have. It's good that you're doing that.

It'll be good for me, too. Get me out of this apartment, get to see other people. I can get myself pretty fuckin' isolated sometimes.

It sounds like a healthy move.

They've also got their piano back from storage, so there's always that as well. I did a fair amount of writing for piano in rehab, so it'll be good to work on some stuff.

I think I could get back in the swing of things, man. I just need to get back to good habits. All these transitions have had their difficulties but the coast is clear for right now. Or at least as far as I can tell. I ain't no magic guy that can predict the future.

You're due for some better times, farmboy.

We're all due for better times, man. I'll settle for just a little calmness for a while.

back yard

there's a party down the street
everybody's in the back yard
drinking beer and grilling meat
ain't nothing too hard
people eating 
people chewing
people doing what they doing
smoking weed and barbequing
I wish I were one of them

shortnin' bread

I got some flour
I got some yeast
I got an appetite
to say the least
I try to keep my stomach
properly fed
with a big ol' piece
of shortnin' bread

          mama's little baby loves
          shortnin', shortnin'
          mama's little baby loves
          shortnin' bread
          mama's little baby loves
          shortnin', shortnin'
          mama's little baby loves
          shortnin' bread

gimme cup of coffee
tablespoon of cream
my old work boots
and yesterday's jeans
I'll start the day
working in the shed
after a piece 
of this shortnin' bread

          mama's little baby loves
          shortnin', shortnin'
          mama's little baby loves
          shortnin' bread
          mama's little baby loves
          shortnin', shortnin'
          mama's little baby loves
          shortnin' bread

I want to be a good man
with a simple life
some primo marijuana
in a dime store pipe
love my neighbor
like the good book said
bring 'em round a piece
of that shortnin' bread

          mama's little baby loves
          shortnin', shortnin'
          mama's little baby loves
          shortnin' bread
          mama's little baby loves
          shortnin', shortnin'
          mama's little baby loves
          shortnin' bread

secrets in these hills

there are secrets in these hills
take a look around you
on the back roads from the city
to your hometown
there are secrets in these hills
and they all surround you
on the back roads from the city
to your hometown

and they won't leave you alone
they will not let you go
they'll always whisper in your head
and, buddy, you're forsaken
if you should try to shake them
they'll only come back again
and again
and again

there are secrets in these hills
just take off your headphones
you can hear them from the city
to your hometown
there are secrets in these hills
and they follow you home
on the back roads from the city
to your hometown

you thought that you'd be different
you thought the past was past
but that thought didn't last long
did it?
this concrete interaction
won't bring you satisfaction 
you don't need to wait an extra minute

there are secrets in these hills
there are secrets in these hills

Out on the playground saying "Hey! Where is everyone?"

I'm feeling sad tonight, man. Now that I'm in my apartment, I find myself kinda looking back at the past few months and it seems so fuckin' surrealistic. I mean, boom! In one small moment everything changed in my life. I took an ambulance. I was in pain. My legs wouldn't move when I'd ask them to. I was scared, man.

I know you were, farmboy. 

So then I'm in a hospital and I have surgery. Then I'm off to a rehab facility for a couple months. Then back to the hospital for their intensive therapy program. Then to my brother's. Now here in my apartment. 

So what were all these little lives in these places? You know, chances are I'll never see most, if not all, of these people again. And that just seems cruel to me. And I know that that's crazy, but...

You get attached.

Like a fuckin' little kid, man. It's so fuckin' strong. It's like I'm out on the playground saying "Hey! Where is everyone?"

So I'll be fine. I'm just sad. I wish I had gotten to say goodbye to more people. The occupational therapist at the first rehab place, he was like the best friend I had there. But I didn't get to say thank you and goodbye and now he's part of the past. I wish I could have taken his picture at least. And I'll probably never see him again.

And it's that way with so many people in my life. My friends in Austin. The schools I've worked at. It's all one long fuckin' series of goodbyes, you know?

Man, I gotta think of something else. Where's that pipe at?

inability

for better or worse
I am cursed
with the inability
to be somebody else

sorry not sorry

sorry not sorry
that's what I am
I will be for you
anything I can
I will adjust my colors
to please your eyes
to prove I'm not just another
like all the other guys
I'm guilty to the first degree

sorry not sorry
neither friend nor foe
let me tell you something
you already know
I can be your lover
your number one fan
friend of your older brother
anything but superman
because superman is a hero
everything I'm not
all my prospects add up to a zero
anything else you got?
I'm guilty to the first degree

take advantage

take advantage now
you've got the time
look straight ahead
and don't ever turn behind
there are no wolves at the door
no law men to outrun
no enemy to conquer
no need to race the setting sun

going to pretend

I'm going to pretend
I'm not lonely
I'll imagine
how peaceful life could be
if I could find a way
to only
forget about
the pain you're causing me
I'm going to imagine
I'm not hurting
you ain't gonna hear me
sing the blues
I'm going to pretend 
I know for certain
I'm going to forget
about you

I planted pumpkins and corn

It's another day here at the ranch...

You live on a ranch?

No, no...I wish I did, though. Or a farm. Man, I fuckin' love farms. I don't want to do the work on a farm, but I love farms. Love to see you crops growing. Corn, you know, strawberries, lettuce, that kind of thing.

Did you grow up on a farm, farmboy? I mean, your name...

Well, first off, farmboy's the nickname I got as a young man by these amazing friends of mine from the Mill in Santa Paula, California. So there's that. 

No, I didn't grow up on a farm. I remember spending time at this one farm, though, people my mom and dad knew. I liked it there. The first thing I wanted to be when I grew up was a farmer. I had this toy tractor that I would ride around in. I planted pumpkins and corn. 

I bet you were a cute little kid, farmboy.

I wasn't cute. I was ugly and no one paid attention to me.

I'm sure that's not true...

I was joking, okay? Sheesh. 

I'm saying that I just really like farms. Farms and dogs.

So is the plan to build your tiny house and put it on someone's farm?

That sounds ideal to me, man. Seriously, man, that sounds about perfect. Completely perfect would be a farm at the beach, I guess.

You know how people always want you to calm down by wanting you to visualize your happy place? For me, it's on a farm. Don't wanna do no work, mind you. I want to sit on the front porch and play guitar and watch the crops grow.

Hopefully one of those crops would be some good fuckin' weed.

reaching out (possible bridge)

I am not waving here
trying to say hello
with fingers going
one, two, three, four
I am not waving here
I am drowning
heading to the ocean floor
heading to the ocean floor

reaching out (rewrite one)

I don't know how to do this
I don't know if I can
other people go through this
maybe that's just not who I am
forgive me if I'm awkward
but at this I'm pretty new
I'm reaching out to you
I'm reaching out to you

people talk about friendship
people talk about love
personally, I don't recommend it
I don't know if it can ever be enough
maybe if I took some classes
right now I don't have a clue
reaching out to you
I'm reaching out to you

          I'm reaching out
          but I've still got my doubts
          feet on the ground
          and my head in the clouds
          I've been burned before
          feeling hurt and keeping score
          my heart is not an open door
          it's a place for me to hide
          keeping everybody on the outside

I don't know what my next move is
but I know that I've got to make one soon
there's lots of room for improvement
by the light of the silvery moon
maybe if you can help me
I could figure out what to do
reaching out to you
I'm reaching out to you
believe me, it's true
I'm reaching out
I'm reaching out to you

reaching out

I don't know how to do this
I don't know if I can
other people go through it
maybe that's just not who I am
forgive me if I'm awkward
but at this I'm pretty new
I'm reaching out to you
I'm reaching out to you

clarence

clarence thinks about other people
people he used to know
people who were nice to him
a long, long time ago
a waitress in Yuma, Arizona
a schoolteacher in Bangor, Maine
he remembers the faces, 
and most of the places
and although so much has changed
clarence always remembers your name

carence can't tell you about this morning
but he'll tell you about Christmas day
maybe it was a lifetime ago
but it feels half a mile away
with brothers and sisters and mom and dad
and friends coming down by the score
clarence remembers the fun they used to have
now none of them
are around anymore

new friend

I could use a new friend right now
I don't want to be lonely anymore
I want to be like all those people
I see out of my front door
they're walking together
they're talking together
taking each other in
when can I begin?

nothin'

I got nothin', man
ain't no money in my jeans
I got nothin', understand
I am not a man of means
but my dreams fly high as eagles
above rocky terrain
how come between
God and science
I'm the one who takes the blame

I just wanna eat bad food and sleep

Man, I don't want to fuckin' do anything. I don't want to write, I don't want to play music. I just wanna eat bad food and sleep.

Are you depressed, farmboy?

I don't know, man. It's these extremes lately. Like, I like being at home and shit, it's just that that I'm...

...bored?

Maybe. I'm tired of having physical problems, tired of physical pain. But, you know, it's still a whole lot better than it's been for the last three months. 

I gotta get some good sleep. I gotta not smoke so much weed. I need to take better care of myself.

You can start by not putting yourself down so much.

I know, right? Sometimes I think that that's really where I should start from.

asleep

I'm going to calm my mind
I'm going to shut my mouth
my eyelids are drooping heavy
and I believe they're heading south
I'm stifling a yawn
and my head is falling back
get off that couch, boy
it's time to hit the sack
and fall asleep
I'm falling asleep

ain't nothing on the TV
and it's too damn dark to walk
I don't think I can make it through
another minute on the clock
all the leaves are brown
and the sky is gray
but I ain't dreaming of California
it's time to hit the hay
and fall asleep
I'm falling asleep

          sominex and tylenol
          and chamomile tea
          are making sure my p's and q's
          translate to lots of z's
          sweet dreams are made of these

pull back the blankets
give a kiss and say goodnight
check under the bed for monsters
don't let the bed bugs bite
drift unencumbered into slumber
pray the Lord your soul to keep
you've finished all your stories
now it's time to count some sheep
and fall asleep
I'm falling asleep

unwritten letters

this empty hole
I call my heart
is missing you tonight
I gaze up at the stars
I wish I may
I wish I might
begin to see
your memory
conjured from thin air
I want to hold you
in my arms
but there's nobody there

          I've got all these
          leftover memories
          and no idea of what to do
          maybe I'll take them out someday
          but for now they'll hide away
          with all those
          unwritten letters to you