words

I have no idea what to say
words don't come too easily
when my mind decides to go away
and make a fool out of me
but for you I'll do the best I can
toss verbs and nouns and adjectives
words to make you understand
to help you see where magic is

I'll tell you what you want to hear
that living life is just a dream
I can make it sound sincere
in ways where you'll know what I mean
words are cheap and words are hollow
unless they come from the soul
meaning is mine to borrow
I went in broken and came out whole

let me give my words to you
they are a gift from my heart
please believe that they are true
even when they fall apart
I have no idea what to say
words don't come too easily
but solemn peace will come my way
if you take these words from me

tomorrowland

it's another day
in tomorrowland
where nothing happens
I don't understand
unless it's bad news
it's not for me
good news is
a fantasy
so spread the news
strike up the band
it's another day
in tomorrowland 

what will come true
I cannot know
it's got nothing
to do with me though
in my life
time stands still
bad luck is mine
I have no will
this is more
than I can stand
it's another day
in tomorrowland

dear God
if you exist
please forgive me
if I seem pissed
I need something
I need it now
I have to get it
and I don't know how
this will end
I know it can
it's another day
in tomorrowland

Pancakes and real maple syrup

So today I'm going to see my therapist and I don't know what to talk about. My life hasn't changed -- my life never changes -- but that's old news. I talk about that kind of shit constantly. I'm sick of hearing myself. I really treasure the time that I get to have with my therapist and I hate to waste it going over and over my same old complaints.

Maybe you could talk about your hopes, what you want out of life and how to get it. Name something that you'd like to have.

Pancakes and real maple syrup.

No, I mean seriously.

I'd like to have friends. I'd like to be part of a community. It's so hard being isolated for so long all the fuckin' time.

I'd like to play music, even if it's just for some friends. It's extremely frustrating to be constantly writing and practicing when you never play for somebody else. It's not that I don't get anything from practicing, it's just that the circle is incomplete if I don't perform. I've done this for a long, long time. How am I supposed to do without it now?

I need a job. I need money. I need to be around people. I need to have a purpose where other people are affected.

See, farmboy, you have plenty to talk about.

But I've talked about all that stuff! I just keep running around in circles, as far as therapy's concerned. My therapist must be so bored. But he's such a great guy and a great resource to have. I don't take him for granted. But my life just refuses to move in any fuckin' direction.

So talk to him about that, the frustration. Tell him about how you'd like to move on but the same old stuff won't let you.

Okay, I'll try that, We'll see how that works. Wish me luck.

nothing's ever going to happen

nothing's ever going to happen
nothing's ever going to change
there is no such thing as motion
everything remains the same
everything you've ever hoped for
will never come through
all those dreams you carried
none of them are true

every path you try
will lead to a dead end
every person you encounter
none of them will be your friend
every job you apply for
every time you try your luck
you may as well admit it
you're fucked

every day you're wishing
every day you hope
it's really no wonder
why you smoke so much dope
there's no real need to wonder
there's no use to pretend
my friend, you're going under
all things come to an end

compassion

I try to show compassion
but it just doesn't work
it always takes a back seat
to my everlasting hurt
maybe I could be compassionate
to somebody else
but I can't be that person
for myself

I need to have some sympathy
for me, myself, and I
but it won't ever come to me
I don't know why I try
I know it's no concern of yours
you don't need to waste your time
it isn't your fault anyway
the responsibility is mine

do you have compassion?
can you show me how?
I need to learn the basics
I need to know them now 
if I had compassion
I would give it to you
maybe, if I try to learn
I'd give it to me, too

my perfect day

my perfect day
would be out on a farm
with my brain not busy
setting off false alarms
I'd sit on the porch
and watch the corn grow
straight up and proudly
all in a row
silos with grain
bales of hay
that would be
my perfect day

I wouldn't work
I'd just stay calm
me and my perfect life
out on the farm
with chickens and roosters
and cabbage and peas
and pumpkins and turnips
some of those
some off these
give me that tractor
show me the way
and that would be
my perfect day

instead I'm at home
what I am doing here?
nothing but fielding off
worries and fear
but inside my mind
there's a farm I can go to
imagine with me
maybe I'll show you
the things that make it
all okay
that would be
my perfect day

what I've learned from meditation

focus on the moment
breathe in
breathe out
move away from the torment
that's what this is all about
you're so near
right here
right now
and you want to give in
but you don't know how
but still you try again

ease your body
mind open 
mind shut
you want to be
in the moment, but
your brain keeps working
overtime
passing the point
of peace of mind
and still you try again

everything's impossible
life is but a dream
but most things are improbable
strange as it may seem
anything can happen
anything can change
we are only molecules
programmed to misbehave
and still you try again
and still you try again
and still you try again

Everybody's got opinions

I don't have anything to say. I'm not happy or contented our anything, I just don't have any opinions at the moment. Man, all these fuckin' opinions! In an election year, especially this election year, everybody's got opinions, and I'm sick of hearing them. Unless, of course, they agree with me.

And what are those opinions some people agree with, farmboy?

Oh, you know, anything to get that motherfuckin' piece of rancid shit out of the White House. Personally, for me, it's either Warren or Sanders. But if fuckin' Mayor Pete or that Amy lady gets the nomination I'll vote for them. I would probably even vote for Bloomberg, if he recovers from that last debate.

Anyone but the current president.

If you want to call him that, fine, but I don't call that asshole "President." He doesn't deserve the title. Clinton -- who I'm no fan of, but was the better choice, by far -- received almost three million votes more than he did. We have this stupid, overcomplicated system of elections in this country, and it fucked us over. He fucked us over and is fucking us over, and there's all the fuckin' Republican toadies that are too chicken to say or do anything. They're supporting all this shit. It's fuckin' amazing.

For somebody with no opinions today, you sure have a lot of opinions, farmboy.

Yeah, I guess I do. Well, 'tis the season. Everybody's got opinions. I don't get not voice mine other to myself, usually. I've learned to keep my opinions to myself, lest they start some argument. I fuckin' hate arguments. So I don't say much. I'm also not convuinced that the world needs my opinion right now. What I'm more willing to help with are support and, of course, my vote.

I must admit, though, this has been a fascinating election so far. As long as Fartface is thrown out of office, I can put up with anything.

I tried to be quiet but I failed

I tried to be quiet but I failed
I let my feelings show
I let you down
my honesty prevailed
how was I to know
that I couldn't take it anymore
I misread all the warnings
now I'm where I was before
dreading every morning

I tried to be supportive but I wasn't
everything I tried I couldn't do
I tried to be your friend
like a long lost cousin
but I could not make it through
I had good intentions
I really tried to do my best
but instead I disappointed you
I was like all of the rest

nobody but you

I couldn't sleep well last night
I didn't know what to do
I tossed and turned
my mind just burned
and then I thought of you
you ease my mind like no one else
with you I never doubt myself
then I slept the whole night through
thinking of nobody but you

not standing still

I don't need any more dreams
I need some reality that doesn't hurt
I don't need to make pretend
I need to find out what I'm worth
my life has been nothing but plans
now I need to see just who I am
maybe I won't understand
or maybe I will
all I know is I'm not standing still

I don't want to live my life
being afraid of living
I want to find a path
that leads to forgiving
I don't want to hold on to nothing
I want to believe in something
I'm tired of all this running
up every hill
all I know is I'm not standing still

          bad luck has surrounded me
          for as long as I remember
          but I recognize a sound in me
          that I cannot surrender

I need to do what I must do
and I know one thing for certain
I'm gonna move up the road
I'm sick and tired of all this hurting
I'm standing here on dry land
with everything that I am
I can be a grateful man
with no more time to kill
all I know is I'm not standing still

businessman

I bought secondhand roses
they were still just as good
as the roses that grow
in my neighborhood
I'd sell them to you
for a dollar or more
if you want to take them
to your girl's front door
'cause I'm a businessman
that's what I am

whatever you need
is what I can provide
you don't have to worry
I'm on your side
you need some insurance?
a doctor perhaps?
it's my job to make your wishes
fall in your lap
'cause I'm a businessman
I do what I can

          tell me your dreams
          and I'll make them come true
          anything you desire
          is anything I can do

if you need some help
just close your eyes
it won't come as a
big surprise
you got something you need?
you got something to prove?
just tell me when
and I'll have them removed
'cause I'm a businessman
I do what I can
I'm in high demand
I'm a businessman

simple proof

I forgot what I was gonna say
but I'm gonna say it anyway
as soon as I figure out what it was
it was on the tip of my tongue
inspiration had begun 
and then it slipped away 
just because
so I'll take these feeble thoughts
and hope that I have not forgot
everything inside that makes me me
everything that I can do
is in, someway, meant only for you
that's the simple truth that I see

in some ways I'm a simple man
too simple to understand
all that's going on around me
I try my best and I work hard
but my life's a deck of cards
dealt by all those demons 
that surround me
but I'll do what I will
and I'll keep doing it until
my confusion goes where it will go
hoping you'll be there for me
is all I'm able to see
it's the simple truth that I know

I've been isolated my entire life

I'm bored. I try not to be bored. I write, I practice, I walk, I meditate. I do all sorts of things. But I'm still bored. And on top of that, I'm lonely. I haven't seen many people since I went to therapy on Thursday. So I'm isolated. 

Are you going to see your brother and his family tonight, like you do most weekends? That's going out to see people. It's good for you, farmboy.

I don't think that's happening this weekend. My sister-in-law is out of the state, so my brother's probably having a quiet weekend, or a weekend of getting things done. I think it's just me tonight, I'm afraid.

I've been isolated a lot. In a way -- in several ways -- I've been isolated my entire life. I like people, I need to be around people sometimes. But I just don't have any really close friends anymore. It's really sad and it's made me really unhappy. I don't know how my life ended up this way, but hardly any friends and nobody to play my music to. I just keep creating, but hardly any of it sees the light of day, as far as other people are concerned.

I wish you had an audience, farmboy. You've been playing and writing for a long, long time.

Tell me about it. It's been the main focus of my life for-fuckin'-ever. And I just never thought I'd end up like this. 

I want to say that it's all been this way since that accident four years ago, but I was pretty miserable before that. That's why I'm on so many medication for depression and anxiety. They really help. I'm very grateful for them. You don't want to see me off them, that's for sure.

Why? What happens?

I go crazy. I become almost suicidal. I can hear my eyelids opening and closing. It's truly horrifying. Better that I be on pills, you know?

Medication can be good.

Oh, trust me, medication can be good. It is good.

It's just boredom and, again, loneliness. I used to know people, I used to have fun. Now I'm just isolated. But I'm thankful for you, at least I can finally fuckin' get this stuff out of my mind.

Or I can try to.

undone

I know you have your demons
but you refuse to let them show
but that doesn't mean they've disappeared
there's more that you don't know
you're so confident and self-assured
that you don't see how insecure
you are underneath your phony smile
you've been unraveling for quite a while
and soon you'll be undone

talking election blues

there is a way to win
this is how you begin
first off, you register to vote
and then you read the daily news
pick anything you want to choose
do research and even take some notes
and then you hope and pray
elections will turn out your way
and turn out just like you want them to
you may think you're helpless now
but you can do what you know how
voting is the least that you can do

          before the experts call it
          you must fill out your ballot
          it's still legal
          it is not a crime
          vote you mind and vote your heart
          do what you can and do your part
          and maybe we'll get justice this time

maybe this day

maybe this day will go a little better
than the day before
maybe I'm just fooling myself
but if I don't try I'll never know
so I'll keep on trying though
my inner voice is telling me
there's nothing good I'm going to see
still I'm gonna see what's in store
maybe this day will be better than before

but I got depressed

I was going to change the world
I was going to change myself
I was going to prosper
in attention, fame and wealth
but I got depressed
you can guess the rest
I was going to do my best
but I got depressed

I was going to wash the dishes
I was going to make my bed
I was going to change the thoughts
that circle inside my head
but I got depressed
now I'm just a mess
I didn't want to obsess
but I got depressed

          I had good intentions
          I tried to do what's right
          now I need an intervention
          to get me through the night

I thought about eating vegetables
I thought about taking a shower
mostly I'm been thinking
about my whole life turning sour
I got depressed
I'm in distress
I hate to digress 
but I got depressed

maybe tomorrow
I'll mend my emotional ways
I'll do my finest to pretend
I'll make it through this haze
but I'll get depressed
this day like all the rest
it seems to be my greatest success
I got depressed
but I got depressed
yeah I got depressed

brand new day

wake up in the morning
the first thing I feel
is fear for the brand new day
it comes with no warning
I know that bad luck
is going to come my way
it's a common occurrence
there is no insurance
that the present will be okay
but even though I'm hurtin'
there's one thing for certain
I refuse to be afraid

          I will not be afraid
          of this brand new day
          it doesn't matter
          whatever the newspapers say
          I'll be able to handle any problem
          that dares to come my way
          I will not be afraid
          of this brand new day

wake up in the morning 
feeling like there's nowhere
safe I can hide
but I ain't scared
I'm going where
the sun will meet me
outside
it may just be for a minute
there's vitamin D in it
and my eyes are open wide
but I'm gonna do it
I'm gonna go through it
and come out the other side

          I will not be afraid
          of this brand new day
          it doesn't matter
          whatever my mind wants to say
          I'll be able to handle any problem
          that dares to come my way
          I will not be afraid
          of this brand new day

lie in bed

I don't want to do anything
but there's still all this time to fill
I look for some assistance
from the shackles of my own free will
I have given up
but there is so much left to do
all these questions run through my mind
but I still don't have a clue

          I just want to lie in bed all day
          until the bad feelings go away
          I just want to lie in bed all night
          the only place where I will feel all right

I'm feeling bad all the time
it's turned into an obsession
there must be a way to clear my mind
from my old friend depression
I have given up
but I know no other way
I know all that I have to do
but I can't do it today

          I just want to lie in bed all day
          until the bad feelings go away
          I just want to lie in bed all night
          the only place where I will feel all right

one way ticket (various verses)

baby, take me with you
when you leave this one horse town
I'm depending on you
please don't let me down
you're my one way ticket
lord knows I'm glory bound

baby brings me bourbon
when I ask for H2O
she's got that kind of talent
that will sure enough stop the show
I think she's my secret
but baby don't care who knows

baby, don't forget me
when you become a star
I'll be pining for you
down at the local bar
playing where nobody's listening
on this old guitar

I can be your driver, honey,
you can be my Lois Lane
I'll give you all my money
if you're playing my game
you're my one way ticket
you're on your way to fame
fortune and game

Everything is disappointment

Fuck.

I hate these fuckin' mornings where everything goes fuckin' wrong from the beginning of the day. There is nothing like waking up to bad news. And then having to go through shit on my fuckin' computer which never fuckin' works right in order to get the bad news.

What the fuck. Why does so much always have to go wrong? What the fuck am I supposed to do when nothing works out and everything is disappointment? I applied to the Oregon Health Plan was was not accepted because I get money for my disability. Fuckin' government. Never does anything fuckin' right. 

I should just fuckin' give up since I am obviously born to have bad luck. That's all I ever have. I fuckin' hate everything. Why am I even living? 

Why does everything go wrong?

I've given up expecting answers.

another blank page

another blank page
another chance for magic to happen
or not happen
the choice is not up to me
I don't know how to make magic
all I can do is try
and see if I've got the lucky number
it's like playing the lottery
if you write enough
(and by enough I mean
over and over and over and over)
there's a chance I might win
and magic will be made
I won't know how it got there
look
nothing up my sleeve

just because

everything is going wrong again
like it always does
I ask "why must it be this way?"
life answers "just because"
it's all mistakes
I can't get a break
I can't take this anymore
it makes no sense
this present tense
I hope this ends before
I do something that I shouldn't
I do something that's not wise
I do something that, in your eyes,
will come as a surprise
I will yell and scream and cry
I will ask the Heavens why
but the answer's what it always was
just because
just because

same kind of crazy

I'm looking for a woman
who's a yes indeed
who won't run off
in my hour of need
I'm looking for somebody
who can set me free
I'm looking for a woman
who's the same kind of crazy as me

she don't have to do the laundry
she can be her own boss
I'll be there in her kitchen
making applesauce
I need to find some loving
in the first degree
I'm looking for a woman
who's the same kind of crazy as me

accents (rewrite two)

I miss hearing accents
though they sometimes make me sad
'cause they make me remember
relatives that I once had
in Southern California
aunts and uncles, cousins, kin
and now that they've passed on
I need to hear them all again

with their true pure vowels of Spanish
the way they rolled their r's
I'd hear them talk to Dad
from the back seat of the car
and then we'd drive home
from where the journey had begun
mom and dad and four kids
north on highway 101

          although those days are long gone
          my heart knows them deep inside
          come in this car of memories
          it's time to take a ride

I heard accents in kitchens
and in their living rooms
outside in yards lit up by
the shining summer moon
voices hanging in the air
floating right above me
the sounds of those who cared
the people who loved me

          although those days are long gone
          my heart knows them deep inside
          come in this car of memories
          it's time to take a ride

it hurts when it's all over
when the ones you love move on
and it's painful to remember 
when they've passed and gone
but that's where I find beauty
where memories survive
sometimes I look inside 
I see they're still alive 

          although those days are long gone
          my heart knows them deep inside
          come in this car of memories
          it's time to take a ride

I miss hearing accents

cure

if I had your sense of humor
if I had your peace of mind
if I look into the mirror
you are what I hope I find
I don't want to be who I am
I ain't lying, man, that's for sure
I have got this disease
I believe you know the cure

wanting to be someone else
is not healthy
is not wise
but I want to see what everything
looks like to you through your eyes
you seem to me to have some wisdom
straight and even, clean and pure
I just need to be like you
I believe you know the cure

saving me is not your story
I'm not your responsibility
days of careless rain and thunder
are all I have inside of me
I don't know what I can do next
I can't accomplish any more
I've contracted this disease
I believe you know the cure

live inside your heart

I took the high road
and look where it got me
I was in hiding
but, baby, you caught me
and now I'm imprisoned
by the taste of your love
but no matter how much
it's never enough

          I just want to live inside your heart
          I just want to live inside your heart

love is for losers
love is for fools
love is not
paying attention to rules
I go where it leads me
and it took me to you
I know I'm not worthy
but what else can I do

          I just want to live inside your heart
          I just want to live inside your heart

every second of my life
is yours and yours alone
being with you is the only
time I feel known
I swear I can love you
if you just give me a chance
there's nothing to be scared of
it's only true romance

          I just want to live inside your heart
          I just want to live inside your heart

In a way, it's like magic

Man, I tell you, I've been working a lot on music lately. I have these two new songs in the works, to add to all the other new songs that I have. It feels good. I don't know if the rest of my life is any good, but the music is working and that's the main thing I want. Except for family and some friends, this is what matters. It's not whether or not I get noticed or ever make any money or anything. The creative part of me is very determined and wants it badly. And what I want to do is create music.

And now you're doing it, farmboy. I mean, you've been doing it for years, as long as I've known you, and I still love seeing you get excited for the creativity you experience when it comes to writing.

Yeah, it's pretty fuckin' amazing, if you think about it. I don't know what all the unconscious does but it feels like it puts all this stuff together, it makes all these connections that maybe I'm not supposed to know. In a way, it's like magic. 

It is pretty amazing when you think about it. Your mind goes through all these experiences, all these things you've observed, all these thing you've felt. And it gets put together in a piece of art that lasts, what? Three and a half minutes or so...

That's on the long side, man.

Whatever. It amazes me that you can put so much of yourself into that space of time. Not everybody can do that.

I can't fix a car. If my plumbing breaks, I'm sunk.

But everybody has talents. And yours, my friend, is in music.

I know. It's frustrating sometimes, especially when I'm not performing much. But I feel blessed. This is the only thing that matters.