I can't afford being depressed

Well, I'll tell you, it's been hard writing lately. Rewriting, not so much. I finished this one song I've been working on called "Walking Each Other Home." The rewriting of it has been amazingly easy. It just needed time and patience. I really like this song and want to do it justice. It's about the whole quarantine situation that's going on right now. It is, against all odds, a hopeful song.

I think that's what people need right now, farmboy. They need hope and comforting. This is a very scary place we're in.

Yeah, it is. I need to go on the bus to go to the bank and I don't know how wise that is. But tomorrow I'll do that, unless it becomes too stressful. I'm not going to fool around with it if it causes too much stress.

That's wise. There's no use in stressing yourself out if you can help it. How was your video appointment with your therapist?

It was good. Despite the problems that we're facing now, things are going well. And I think that's because we're in a situation which I know is serious. I feel like I can't afford being depressed. Which doesn't mean I don't get depressed. But it's mainly depression out of boredom. And that can be fixed.

I find that it's still hard.

I'm not saying it isn't hard. It is hard. You just have to use your noggin a bit to figure it out.

I'll try that, thanks. You're inspiring me.

I don't have it down, by any means. I'm still bored a huge part of the day. I don't let myself smoke weed until after 6 p.m., and sometimes it seems like it takes forever. Sometimes I find myself sitting at the computer, mindlessly going to the same old websites that I go to, over and over. And that gets old. I've learned at some point to pick up the guitar and start playing. At the end of this situation I should emerge a better guitarist, at least as far as my own songs go.

I heard you practicing earlier, farmboy. You're sounding really good.

Thanks. I've been working at it. It takes so fuckin' long for me to be comfortable with my songs, but it's getting there. I'm pleased, for the most part.

I'm off to finish up the chores I make for myself. You have a good day. And don't get bored, okay?

I am waiting

today I am okay
I don't know about tomorrow
I wish there was a way
to find some time to borrow
so I could find
some peace of mind
before I turn to sorrow
help me if you want to
I am waiting

today I am lonely
there is nobody beside me
I wish there was a way
to have somebody by me
so I can be
who I'm supposed to be
so I can look inside me
help me if you want to
I am waiting

what is your fuckin' problem

what is your fuckin' problem
I've done everything I could
to help you see
the good in me
has been misunderstood
every time you disagree
is just another trap for me
it's all throughout my history
I still do what I should

what is your fuckin' problem
tell me in your own words
don't quote someone
who's number one
I find I'm quite disturbed
all the time you're telling me
that nothing ever comes for free
it's all throughout my history
on that you can concur

brand new heart

I need a brand new heart
because mine is broken
this time I'm leaving
it wide open
to anyone who comes around
to try to make me safe and sound
instead of when I fall apart
I need a brand new heart

I need a brand new heart
it's transplant time
I need some other 
heart than mine
I know what I'm talking about
this old heart of mine's done the twist and shout
let's go to the supermart
I need a brand new heart

          there must be one somewhere
          I know that for sure
          but the one I'm looking for
          must be honest and pure

I need a brand new heart
because mine is busted
it's sad and weak
and can't be trusted
I have no idea how
but I need a new one now
to make a brand new start
I need a brand new heart

boredom

I have nothing in my mind
that is of importance to find
everything is locked inside memories
I've asked "What is this about?"
I've looked for a way out
but there's none that I can see
my yesterdays
have gone away
their gifts my heart to keep
if this is how it's gonna be
I'm going back to sleep

I'm all written out

Well, man, it's finally happened.

And what's that, farmboy?

There's no more for me to write. I'm all written out. I've written about damn near everything there is, or everything I care about. I guess all I can do is make a stiff drink and a toke and relax for the rest of my life. It's been good being a songwriter, but I'm all used up.

I don't believe that's true. You're still living, you're still breathing. You're still having experiences. There's still plenty to write about.

I don't see it. My mind is empty. There is no inspiration to be found. Is this what they call a writer's block?

You're the writer. What do you think?

I once went to a songwriting workshop with John Prine once, years ago. And I asked him about writer's block.

And what did John Prine say?

He said that he didn't believe in writer's block. He also told me later that I had good questions. I got his autograph.

So I guess I don't believe in writer's block either. Either that, or I don't take it as seriously as a lot of people do.

I think that's a good thing, farmboy.

Yeah, I do too. I don't want some damn writer's block pushing me around.

That's the spirit.

I hope so. I like writing. It's what I'm supposed to do. The last thing I need is some false belief like that writer's block shit.

I will be your witness

if you need someone
to help you help yourself
I'll be your man
I'm here if you need me
if you need support
you know I can
I know your history
and I know it can be tough
it's hard to go through this life
when you haven't been loved enough
so I will be your witness
I will be your witness
when life gets rough

Hurray for me

I'm scheduled to speak with my therapist in just a few minutes and I don't know what to talk about. Help me.

What has this past week been like, farmboy?

It's been okay, mainly. Had a couple of rough moments, but I got past them because I took action.

Like what?

Mainly stuff I have a mental block about. Financial things, filling out online forms. But I filled things out and made phone calls and did it. Hurray for me.

That's really good, farmboy. Taking action instead of being afraid or intimidated, that's important.

Yeah, I agree. It hasn't been a bad week considering that I'm self-quarantined, or whatever you want to call it. It's been one of the more successful weeks. Of course, part of that has to do with the fact that I got groceries, and I'm getting more groceries.

So you're taking care of yourself?

Trying to. I've generally been eating fairly well, except for the times at night when I fuck up. I've walked a couple of times outdoors, which I'm uncomfortable doing, and I've gotten in some exercise everyday, real exercise where I'm fuckin' sweating and stuff. I've been getting plenty of sleep, of course. There's not a whole lot else to do.

You're playing guitar, you're walking, you're meditating. You're filling out forms, making phone calls.

I try to make at least one phone call a day to somebody so I can feel somewhat connected to another human being.

Is it helping?

It is. I'm glad I'm doing that.

You know, man, I just looked at the time and I'm got to get ready for therap[y.

Well, okay. Good talking with you, farmboy.

Same here, man. Now I feel connected with you.

perfectly normal

I am perfectly normal
with an emphasis on the first word
especially the first two syllables
I am humble, too
ask me
and I'll tell you all about it

when work is over

when work is over
there will be cheering in the hall
it will be just like a party
and it will include us all
we'll be dancing on the desktops
returning to the human race
we'll bash all the computers
it'll be just like "Office Space"
did you ever see that movie?
it's something you can trust
it's like the entire country
it's exactly like us

when work is over
it'll be like what you wished
there'll be sex upon the copier
you'll be drinking like a fish
till you've had too much
throwing up in the waste basket
but it won't matter tomorrow
you're gonna move right past it
did you ever see a prisoner
on the day that he's been set free
look in the mirror, pal
he looks like you and me

when work is over
it won't matter anymore
you'll be poor and live in sweatpants
but you'll be free just like before
and you'll live that way
till the bottom falls right out
then you'll shake your fists at the sky
and yell "What's this all about?
I'm talking like a beggar
I'm dressing like a slob
but you still won't think it's time
to get another job

when work is over
and there's nothing left to do
you'll look at yourself and wonder
whatever became of you

I don't need you anymore

I have nothing to say
but I'm going to say it anyway
because that's what I always do
I have no words to tell
but I'll use them as well
especially when it comes to you
you have hurt me more than you'll ever know
you leave me no choice
but to turn around and go
out the front door
I don't need you anymore

you will be okay (rewrite two)

you will be okay
you just don't know that now
you will get through this
even though you don't know how
I know you're frightened
as you make it through the day
but there will be a way
you will be okay

you will be all right
even though you can't imagine it
you and friends and neighbors
all of you will manage it
take care of one another
through this long and lonely night
hope is still in sight
you will be all right

you are very strong
your strength knows where to find you
but you don't know how strong
so I'm here to remind you
sometimes things work out
you wind up where you belong
sometimes right conquers wrong
you are very strong

you will be okay
you will be alright
you are very strong
you are full of might
soon this will be over
and the fear will go away
no matter what your brain may say
you will be okay
there will be a way
you will be okay

it might as well rain

there is nothing to do today
nothing's what I was going to do anyway
except bitch and moan and complain
it might as well rain

no reason to go outside
think I'll go undercover and hide
everything is always the same
it might as well rain

          I wish this loneliness would end
          sleep is my best friend
          the sky in my head is gray
          and these storm clouds won't away

I don't need to see the sun
I don't need anything from anyone
I know I'm the only one to blame
it might as well rain

to the morning

if I could reach you
if I could touch you
I would be there
by your side
I would help you
through this long night
and when the darkness
subsides
I will take you out
to the morning
and show you the sunshine and sky
this is why
this is why
we must survive

Under the circumstances

So there's, like, a half-hour until my therapist and I have a video session. I'm trying to figure out what to say. It hasn't been a bad week but it could have been better. I'm having problems getting started with stuff, like the fuckin' forms I have to fill out for social security, that kind of thing. I might be a little depressed, which is understandable under the circumstances. 

What do you feel you need to talk to your therapist about, farmboy?

I guess all that stuff that I just mentioned. Maybe I need to talk about the stuff I should be doing, like the forms, and the fear that I have about things like that.

I also feel like I've been doing pretty well this past month and now the novelty -- or whatever you want to call it -- has worn off. I keep needing to waste time because I am just so fuckin' bored, like everybody else right now.

So this is all weighing on you now.

I don't want to seem ungrateful. I have not pretty good. I have food, I have shelter, my plumbing problem has been fixed. I have a guitar and I have ways to express myself artistically. There are people I can call to talk to if I get lonely. I actually have it pretty good compared to a lot of people.

It sounds to me like part of this is pretty normal, under the circumstances. Everyday probably feels like the day before.

It does. The best part of the day for me is going to bed at night. But that's to be expected.

so what are you going to talk to your therapist about?

Pretty much all the things I have been telling you. I'm so glad that we can have these video sessions. He helps a lot, you know.

my shopping list

time to do my chores
now, what have I missed
the supermarket calls me
now, where's my shopping list
I need some baby carrots
a loaf of whole wheat bread
but there's something missing
I need something else instead

I could use self-confidence
with a side of self-esteem
someone who'll truly love me
you know what I mean
a few more muscles in my arms
and some answers my brain
'cause no matter what I think or do
it all comes out the same

so I went down to the grocery store
and I handed them my list
I said "you need to fill this now
or else I'm gonna be pissed"
but they couldn't find a single thing
I wrote down on that page
there was steam coming out of my ears
I was mad and in a rage

I said I could use some patience here
and a dose of manners to boot
I need ambition 
that's what's been missin'
and I wouldn't mind being cute
my attention span is short
and I'd like it to be long
everything I have in me
has somehow turned out wrong

"we have nothing like that here
would you kindly leave the store
you are in no better shape
than you were before"
and they handed me my shopping list
and said we can't help you, man
then they dragged me out the door
saying "stay out -- understand?"

so now I'm back where I was
I've learned from my mistakes
I buy fruit and vegetables
and processed foods to make
next time I decide to work
on something for myself
I won't go to the grocery store
I look for some place else

if I gave myself a chance

the day started out as normal
the way that most days do
my mind was past informal
when I caught a look at you
I knew in an instant
that all my dreams came true
my heart was so insistent
but I didn't have a clue

          look at me
          I'm not so bad
          I could be the best
          you ever had
          we could be the greatest
          circumstance
          if I gave myself a chance

walking each other home (rewrite four)

we are not lost
but we are searching
looking for peace of mind
in this uncertain time
we feel alone
and we are frightened
relearning how to cope
not giving up hope
as we go off into the unknown
we are walking each other home

you doubt yourself
but you are stronger
than you think you are
true as the northern star
you have courage
that will last longer
living inside of you
knowing just what to do
fear is never carved in stone
we are walking each other home

          stay with me
          right where you are
          if we hold on tight
          we will survive

someday 
when this is over
and the world returns to sane
we won't be afraid
someday 
when this is over
when we can touch again
but until then
know that you are not alone
we are walking each other home
we are walking each other home

Easter haiku

today is Easter
today I am all alone
except for my faith

I'm all stressed now

Man, the day has just started and I'm already under so much fuckin' stress. My brother wants me to go to his house, which I would normally love to do, but we're in a fuckin' pandemic. It sounds so risky to me. I don't know what to do, but I wish they had never thought of this idea. So I don't think I'm going to go. But I feel like a jerk for not going. 

I've got plumbing problems which won't be fixed until Monday at the latest. And a friend of mine called at 6:30 this morning because she feels overwhelmed. Well, I'm feeling overwhelmed, too. Please don't call me at 6:30 in the fuckin' morning.

I'm all stressed now.

Do you think you need to take a Klonopin?

I just took one. Hopefully it will kick in soon. I don't think I need to remove myself from the situation or smoke weed or anything. I can go about my day and play guitar and stuff. I need to find a book I can disappear into.

How's the music going, farmboy?

Pretty good. I've been playing a lot, and sometimes I think it's beginning to show. I hope it is. I'm playing almost everything I've completed in the past four years or so. I hoping to make a video this week that I can post online. It seems like everyone is doing it, and I'd like to be among them. I have a new song that I could maybe get in shape for it.

Believe me, man, I wish this was all over. I am so fuckin' scared. 

We all are, farmboy.

I know. I'm glad you're around to talk to. You've been a real help.

same kind of crazy

I don't know what to do
and it's all because of you
you showed me that
the world was not that bad
I don't know what to say
but I'll say it anyway
you were the best girl
I ever had
and if you come back to me
I'll make it worth your time
I'll give you all the love
in my heart and in my mind
so don't turn me away
please don't hurt me
you see
you're the same kind of crazy as me

said and done

if I keep on going
the way that I've been going
there is no way of knowing
what will become of me
maybe luck will find me
and not deaf, dumb or blind me
if I leave it far behind me
just what will I see

or maybe I'll just settle
for the here and now
only problem is
I don't know how
I live between then and what's to come
but I'm still here
when all is said and done

for John Prine RIP

when you wake up on the other side
remember us as family
even though were we not related
all those words pouring through
your emotions
your humor
your love
how can I repay you?
you changed my life, you know
you helped me see the light
in the work that was chosen for me
if I had the right joke
I would write it
but I don't
all I have is thank you
and proof of what you mean to me

Kill me now

I've been fuckin' trying all morning to get my financial stuff in order so I can talk to this financial advisor, and I have had no luck. Nothing but messages telling me I can't do a thing. Everything is going wrong, and we're in the middle of this fuckin' pandemic and I'm completely overwhelmed.

Relax, farmboy. You're in a panic. Take a deep breath.

(farmboy takes a deep breath) Yes, I'm in a panic. Everything is so much more complicated and nothing is working. My fuckin' computer keeps fuckin' up, man, and I don't know what to do.

Take care of yourself. It'll all get done. Take a break and come back to it later.

But why does everything keep fucking up? What's the fuckin' problem here? Why does everything have to be so fuckin' hard?

Breathe, farmboy. Just relax. It will all be okay.

But why? Why does everything always have to fuck up?

I fuckin' give up. Kill me now. Get me away from all this bullshit. It's been this way my whole life, everything has to fuck up. And I'm so fuckin' sick of it. Help me here, I'm drowning.

Take a break. Get away from it. You can come back later. There are people who can help you. It is not impossible. You've got me here to talk to when things get rough. 

Have you taken a Klonopin today?

I just took one. It hasn't had any effect yet. I think I may smoke a little weed and maybe meditate. I hate when this shit happens, I get all crazy.

Thanks, man. You've been a lot of help. I'll calm down. I think I may be calming down right now. It will get better. Thank you.

looking for inspiration

I am looking for inspiration
I thought I found it in your eyes
it's like your dreams are the same as mine
and I'm trying them on for size
I am looking for inspiration
can you hear it in my voice
I'm looking around but none I have found
I'd quit but I have no choice

          I am looking for inspiration
          as far as the eye can see
          maybe you 
          could make it come true
          and you could inspire me

when the sun comes over the mountains

when the sun comes over the mountains
that's when I think of you
I always remember the old days
and the happiness I once knew
now I miss all the mornings
\the little things we used to do
when the sun comes over the mountains
that's when I think of you

Soup is a vehicle for vegetables

I am so bored. But that's better than being anxious, being scared. I'll take it any day.

So, farmboy, how's the self-quarantine going?

It's actually going well. I'm keeping informed, but I'm not obsessed. It's mainly boring, but I'm becoming a better guitarist through this. I've been really practicing, really working. Been working on a new song, "Walking Each Other Home." It needs work but it's getting there. I heard an interview with the great Stephen Sondheim where he talked about knowing what you want to say before you start worrying about writing, and that made an impact. He's such a good writer.

How are you doing, man?

I'm doing okay, farmboy, thanks for asking. I just got groceries delivered so I'm happy.

I know that feeling. My brother just brought by some groceries. I now have decaf coffee and half and half!

You can live it up!

My goal is to not each much processed food during this time. I need to stay healthy, I need to keep my immune system strong. Plus, it just feels better. Hey, I have bananas and tangerines and frozen mixed vegetables for soup.

Soup is good. It's comforting and it can be pretty healthy.

That's why I eat it, I think. Soup is a vehicle for vegetables.

So, I'm just checking in. I'll probably go back to playing more guitar sometime today. It's good that I don't have to deal with some fuckin' job right now, I tell you.

Well, farmboy, you have a good day. I'm glad you're at peace.

Me, too, man. You take care of yourself. Be careful out there.

give me your worries

I will push through
I know I will
nonetheless
I worry about it still
I worry that everything I do is wrong
I worry that I will never belong
I worry about stuff I'll never do
give me your worries
and I'll worry about them, too

I want to know but
I may be a fool
learning lessons
not taught in school
learning not to lie to myself
learning that I'm not anybody else
learning about statements false and true
give me those lessons
and I'll worry about them, too

safer country

if I use my imagination
I could escape these walls
that keep me locked inside
looking at the situation
I know the only way out
is to use my mind
I daydream I'm in a safer country
I daydream that 
it's like it was before
I daydream there's hope about tomorrow
I daydream that we are not at war

glimpse of you

I was sitting by my lonesome
like I seem to do these days
I was looking for reasons
in the marijuana haze
I was searching for answers
the way I always do
when I dove into my memories
and caught a glimpse of you

I was worrying 'bout nothing
then way I constantly worry
I tried looking in the future
I went nowhere in a hurry
I needed to prove myself
but I didn't have a clue
so my imagination followed me
and I caught a glimpse of you