trouble

I don't believe in trouble

but trouble believes in me

just when I think

I am out of its reach

it jumps out so my eyes can see

trouble ain't your brother

or cousin

or friend

or some VIP

I don't believe in trouble

but trouble believes in me

To make the work feel like play

Y'know, I don't want to give this too much power over me, but I'm just not coming up with anything that I have to write about. And then I think that maybe I'm focusing too much on the...the writing of the song...no, that's not what I mean either.


I just want a new song to fall in love with, that's all.


What if you just relax and not put so much pressure on yourself?


Maybe. It's, like, I don't want to be a lazy songwriter, you know. But, on the other hand, forcing songs usually doesn't work, but sometimes it does work. Ain't no big fuckin' deal, man. Songs will come. They always do.


Would you call this a writer's block, farmboy?


I hate all that talk about fuckin' writer's block type stuff. So much of this songwriting thing is such a mystery.


But it's hard, man. It's frustrating. But you gotta keep up your chops, y'know? Gotta keep those songwriting muscles workin'. Gotta make some way to make the work feel like play.


This is so weird. I just got an idea.


gotta find some way
to make the work feel like play
like a potter with a ball of clay
I need to find what's mine within
I wake up with the rising sun
and do whatever must be done
the only race that must be run
is the one in my own skin


Remember,, first draft. Right off the top of my head. I don't know if it's any good. I'm sure it has to be rewritten, but that's okay, that's part of that "process" thing I always hear from songwriters in interviews online. So just remember that this is just a beginning, it's nowhere near done, and that it could...


Hey, farmboy?


Uh, yeah?


Just leave that for the right time. Don't be critical right now. Take a breath, farmboy.


(farmboy closes his eyes and takes several deep breaths, inhaling through his nose, holding it for a few seconds, then exhaling slowly through his mouth)


You've improved your breathing, farmboy.


Thanks. We had a training about it at work.


Relaxed?


Somewhat. I'm not sure how well this breathing stuff actually works, but it doesn't hurt.


(the interviewer changes the subject)


So, what movie is going to take home the best picture Oscar?


I'd like to see The Social Network take it, but it'll probably be The King's Speech. Which I liked, by the way. I just like The Social Network better. I don't know, man, I hate the idea of "a best movie," it's really just this economic thing with all these Hollywood politics that seem so far away, you know...


Hey, wait, man! You're just trying to get me away from criticizing myself.


Precisely, farmboy. So you can come back to it fresh.


That's probably for the better, really.


Think you'll go back to today's songwriting? You didn't seem to force that too much.


I think so. We'll see, dude.

Playing and listening and creating

I need to talk to you. I need to clarify something. It's important to me.

Of course. What's wrong, farmboy?

You know those lyrics that I show you?

Yes?

I don't know if I've ever told you, but those are first drafts I've been showing you. Or free writing. At any rate, it's not the finished product by any means. I'm kinda just...just writing. That's what I do.

That's it?

Yeah.

That's all, farmboy?

I just thought you should know that. I also wanted to show you that I do work at this songwriting stuff. I may not be doing enough in other areas, but I am working.

I see it, farmboy. I see you playing guitar, at various times during the day, everyday. I know you work on singing even when -- maybe especially when -- you're driving.

That's 'cause my CD player in my truck don't work. Fuckin' pisses me off, man, I tell you what.

I guess what I'm saying is that you don't have to prove anything to me. You work. And, I promise you this, it's going to pay off.

Oh, I ain't frustrated or nothin', man. I didn't mean to give you that impression.

I know.

Let me clarify something, though. When I say "pay off," I don't necessarily mean financially. Even though that may happen, too. I mean that you'll have a good life...

I think a lot of that is happening now. The vast majority of friends I have come from music. Most of the good times I have in my life are because of music. And -- you know this -- a lot of times when I make it through the month financially, it's due to playing music, you know, performing. I mean, I guess, that a lot of the good stuff in my life is because of music. Playing and listening and creating.

I'm glad you recognize that, farmboy.

Yeah.

'Course I wouldn't turn my back on more money, either.

Snow like a TV set

So, farmboy, did you work today?

No. 'Cause it was a snow day. I felt like Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes. You know, wanting school to be cancelled, wanting it to snow.

What did you do today?

I used snow like a TV set. I opened up the blinds -- you know, on the big window in the living room -- and played guitar and watched the snow fall. I love doing that. I love watching falling snow.

It's so peaceful.

And mesmerizing. And I got to do it twice! Pretty fuckin' cool, man.

be brave farmboy

be brave farmboy

don't let the assholes hold you down

be brave farmboy

don't let the assholes hold you down

don't let nobody

boss our farmboy around

do good work farmboy

hear what your old man said

do good work farmboy

remember what your old man said

there'll be time enough for lazy

when you're long gone dead

don't you believe the lies

anyone tells

all you gotta do is

be yourself

get up farmboy

do what needs to be done

get up farmboy

do what needs to get done

what you need to do

will be your salvation

be brave farmboy

be brave farmboy

be brave farmboy

before it's too late

broom in the corner (first draft)

broom in the corner

unmade bed

calendar pages torn

but never read

I remember

the final words you said

I'm sorry I don't love you anymore

refrigerator humming

TV on the news

looks like rain be coming

holes in both my shoes

I remember

all I stood to lose

I'm sorry I don't love you anymore

silence in the kitchen

silence in the hall

I didn't know the distance

of just how far I would fall

I remember

your pity most of all

I'm sorry I don't love you anymore

I'm sorry I don't love you anymore

Nothing to worry about

Hey, farmboy, how are you?

Oh, man, I'm...I'm okay I guess.

No you're not. What's bothering you?

I'm just a little bit sad, you know, a little bit worried. Why? I don't exactly know. My mind goes from one worry to another and, well...I'm gonna be in bed in a couple of hours, so I'm just gonna unwind and not let it get me down deeper. Nothing to worry about.

You sure?

I think so. I'm on the lookout for it.

It?

You know, depression, panic, anxiety...fuckin' mental illness, man. But it's not there yet. I'm on the lookout.

Can I help, farmboy?

I will let you know and I won't delay about it. I take this shit seriously.

Good to hear. Talk to me tomorrow, okay?

I will. Thanks for listening.

Roots are finally taking hold

Man, this is what's going on. This is what I've been thinking about. I get close to making some kind of leap in my life, like I'm gonna move up to my imaginary next level. And then I fuckin' stop. Out of lack of belief in myself, or fear,or...I don't know. What I'm thinking is that I'm gonna get some counseling of a kind of behavioral basis.

Man, farmboy! It's great to hear you talking like this.

Thanks. I will need your help.

I'm here, farmboy.

I gotta do some stuff, man...

Sounds like you've been planting seeds.

I've been planting them for a while, but it feels like the roots are finally taking hold. Or some kind of metaphor. Or simile.

Let's see. A simile means something is "like" something where a metaphor...

...is something.

Something like that.

Fuckin' A, man.

Comes with the fuckin' territory

Oh. man. Man, man, man...

You sound frustrated, farmboy.

I am, man. I can't seem to write anything that I like. Fuckin' pisses me off, y'know? Plus I want to make a CD but I don't know if my writing's a good enough quality. Maybe I should make an EP, I don't know.

Anyway, what I need to have now is a group of songs that I want to make a commitment to. This music things has to be the absolute best I can do. I can't be flaky about this. I need to commit.

I agree. I'm glad you recognize that.

I have to be aware of it. 'Cause...'cause it's great to believe in something so strongly. That's what I need to find.

And you will, farmboy.

So, yeah, man, I'm frustrated. But I'm okay. It comes with the fuckin' territory.

So this isn't a major freak-out?

Oh, no. Not even close, man. I just gotta have some faith, y'know?

It's not freezing, right?

It's Friday and this is the beginning of a three-day weekend. President's Day. Cool, huh?

Unfortunately, I'm fuckin' tired as hell and I'm really fuckin' cold.

How cold is it, farmboy?

Let me check. (goes outside and looks at the thermometer) Thirty-seven degrees. That's not too cold. I mean, it's not freezing, right? I'm just a fuckin' wimp, you know? Pisses me off. Anyway, I'm tired and I'm cold...

So you said. What are you going to do about it?

I thought it might be fun to just whine and complain and be critical of everybody else.

Funny guy.

I'm gonna turn on the heater. I'm also gonna smoke weed 'cause it's Friday and a three-day weekend. I'm gonna surf the internet and relax and eventually go to bed. Get in bed where it's warm.

Get warm, farmboy, and get some rest, okay? Let's talk this weekend if you get the chance.

You got it, man.

making up for lost time

all the time I've wasted

all the joy that I have missed

all the love I would have tasted

that never did exist

because I believed the lies I told myself

placing blame on someone else

but now I'm feeling fine

making up

making up for lost time

This mystery

Hey, farmboy! What are you up to?

Not much, man. I had a good practice session today. I love it when that happens. When you play more songs, different songs than what you expected. And then you're happy until you tell yourself that you're not working hard enough...I been feeling a little down lately, man.

Why?

Just discouraged, pissed off at myself for never doing anything right, And more than anything I want to write a song that I will fall in love with, you know? So I write and I write. It's sorta like playing the lottery to me. Sometimes it's all so easy. Sometimes it feels like it's just chance and that it's the fuckin' hardest thing in the world. Writing, that is.

You know, as much as I would like to talk about the craft of writing a song, there's really this mystery to it.

Art is like that. Most, if not all, creative endeavors are mysterious in origin.

Yeah, well, that's good. I like that it's a mystery. I think we human beings think we're so fuckin' special all the time.

I still want a new song though.

One you will fall in love with.

Preferably. Would be nice, you know.

Keep working and you'll write that song, farmboy.

Oh, I know. I always do.

I know. You do.

Yeah, man.

moonless sky

I see your face in the moonless sky

look for the kindness in your eyes

(sometimes I think)

life is only a compromise

except for my love for you

some people tell me that letting you go

is the only way to heal and grow

(mostly I think)

well, I just don't know

what else I can do

i will miss you forever

i will need you forever

that's all I'll ever know

I will miss you forever

I will love you forever

I will never let you go

Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Da and the Blues

So remember that book I was telling you about?

The saddest book in the world. It's called...let me think...

"Half a Life" by Darin Strauss.

That's it.

So I finished it, and, man, it was just fuckin' great. It got me to thinking 'bout a whole mess of stuff. Like, remember when I said to you that I drawn to sadness?

I remember, farmboy.

I don't think that's all, but I'm not clear on it yet. I just know it's more than just sadness.

Then I also get to thinking about sadness and how we're all constantly running away from it. Which kinda sounds good, but...well, you're gonna get sad sooner than later and it's good to maybe know a little something about it.

I don't know, exactly. I'm still getting there.

It's interesting...

It's kinda like, you know, how people are always, like, "I can't read this book or listen to this song or see this movie 'cause it's too depressing." Well, fuck, you know...Townes Van Zandt once said that there's two types of music: Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Da and the Blues...I mean, I like "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Da" a lot; I sing it with my students. But, fuck, man, you need the blues, too.

Anyway, I really got into the Darin Strauss book. He's an amazing writer. There's, like, no sentimentality, he never tries to manipulate your emotions. He'd make a good songwriter.

It takes one to know one, farmboy.

Indeed, man.

My tribe, mis compadres

So let me tell you what I did yesterday.

Okay. Tell me what you did yesterday, farmboy.

Well, I realized that in the past two weeks that I had not seen one friend who wasn't either a co-worker or a relative. And that's just fuckin' wrong, man. So after work I stopped by the coffeehouse and hung out with some musician pals. And, man, I just drank it in like a cold glass of ice water on a hot ass day in July, you know what I mean?

You needed that. You needed to be around other human beings. I know that you tend to isolate yourself, farmboy, and I'm proud of you for...

Taking the initiative?

It's more than that. You opened yourself up, farmboy, and you did what you needed to do. That's a good thing. And you know that, don't you?

Uh, yeah.

Good. Just checking.

I had a real good time, just shooting the shit, y'know, talking in that songwriter-type language.

Your friends and your peers.

Yeah, man, that's right.

It's where you belong.

Songwriters are my people, you know. My tribe, mis compadres.

You fit in well.

That's true, I do. I'm a piece in the jigsaw puzzle of life and music. Or something like that.

All this extra work

So, like, hey, man, how're you doin'?

I'm fine. farmboy, you've been smoking marijuana, haven't you?

Yep. Guilty as charged. Geez, I'm a fuckin' cliche.

Are you having fun?

I'm...relaxing. Yeah. The last couple days have been just fuckin' stressful, due to some mistakes that I made. I don't want to get into it right now, though. I've been letting these thoughts take up too much of my time and I'm tired.

You know, I'm here if you ever need to talk, farmboy.

Yeah, and don't think I don't appreciate it, man. Really. You don't know. This is, I think, fairly minor, these problems lately. I think they'll get solved all by themselves, really. If they don't I'll come a-running to you.

Good. That's good. farmboy.

Hey, I'm trying, man, really. And I have to do all this extra work because I keep getting in my own way.

I know you do. But it'll be worth it. You've got to believe that, farmboy.

Believe me, I do. That's why I'm still going.

Drawn to sadness

So I've had enough of this closing my eyes to sadness stuff. I say bring on the sadness! So here I am, partaking of sad art.

Sad art?

Oh, I'm trying to be funny but it's not fuckin' working. What I'm referring to is I just saw this movie about this hiker guy...127 Hours. It's, like, great but it's excruciating to watch. I'm glad I did, but, man, whew, I mean...

I heard it was pretty intense.

Yeah. And now I'm reading this book called Half a Life by Darin Strauss. It's about the author who accidentally killed a girl when he was 18. I mean, he was driving and she rode her bike into his car...fuck, it's like the saddest book I've ever read.

So why then do you read it, farmboy?

It's hard to explain. I feel like it's my job, in a way. It's got something to do with songwriting, I know that.

(wryly) Hard to believe.

Fuck off, asshole. (laughs)

I've always been drawn to sadness, to sad things...Well, fuck, you know, I'm on fuckin' antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication, and my daily life is spent, in a lot of ways, dealing with mental illness, emotional illness.

You haven't mentioned that for a while, farmboy.

Well, yeah, because life has been calm. Which worries the shit outta me, to be honest. But it's always there, every day, believe me.

Hey, listen, I gotta eat something and brush my teeth and go to bed. But I'd like to continue this conversation at some point.

I would too.

Great. You remind me or I'll remind you, let's do it, man.

Orphan ideas

I need something to write about. Got any orphan ideas you're not using,man?

Don't you have a notebook or something?

I have a computer. I have folders on the desktop, you know, "song ideas," "songs to work on," "poems," stuff like that.

So you have ideas then?

Uh, yeah. Means I have to go through them.

So...

So?

So what are you waiting for, farmboy?

Nothin', man. It's just so much fun to play with you sometimes. Plus it would be interesting to hear your song ideas.

Seriously?

Seriously.

Well, farmboy...I don't really think in terms of songs like you do. That's your job.

Damn fuckin' right. (laughs) It's a dirty job...

That's okay. You don't have to finish that thought.

I'll be here all week, folks!

'cause that's the way I feel

there are highways I may never see

mountains I will never climb

dreams still to be dreamed

in the city and countryside

while I kill the time

feeling sorry for myself

never thinking

of nobody else

'cause that's the way I feel

there are operas to be written

paintings to be painted

dudley do-rights

who have insight

when the damsel in distress has fainted

while I waste my life

on this fuckin' internet

while I play a blue-ray dvd

on my HD TV set

'cause that's the way I feel

the green hills of Ireland

the castles in Spain

the singers in Senegal

the rocky cliffs of Maine

all of this world's beauty

that will go ignored

'cause I would rather

eat junk food and be bored

there are sunsets in september

ladies to be kissed

memories to remember

ah, but all this will be missed

as I vicariously live

while time flies and worlds spin

eternally waiting

for my own life to begin

somewhere where reality is real

'cause that's the way I feel

'cause that's the way I feel

there are highways I may never see

So this had some interesting parts. I'm not good at being, you know, jokey, so I'll have to go over some of these things to make sure they're not too cutesy or just fuckin' bad. And I'll have to see if this will even hold my interest. You, like never know.

You have tough standards, farmboy.

I have to.

a will to disobey

the worst thing to say

to a person who needs to calm down

is "calm down"

we're just built that way

a will to disobey

i've heard it said

that when somebody calls you "buddy"

you're not

suspicious minds are required

to keep your brain cells inspired

so forgive me

when I leave the room

it's just the way the world is turning

it's just the lessons that I'm learning

and forgive me

if I speak too soon

it's just the way that I am

a man without a plan

but I'm feeling okay

I'm on my way

Music day

Hey, man, whatcha doing?

Not much, farmboy. Where are you at?

I'm still here at work. I have to kill, like, ten minutes or so before I can go home, so I just thought I'd call.

I'm glad you did. So what's happening at work?

Not much. Today was music day, where I get to do music with students for, like, 45 minutes or so. The folks at work are giving me more responsibility. So now I'm gonna do music three times a week.

Cool!

Yeah, very much so. Today we had a substitute who brought her tin whistle and Native American flute. I love both of them, but I'm really pretty entranced by the Native American flute. I love that...well, wooden sound that it has.

That's a beautiful sound. So warm and mellow.

Yeah, I just love it. I'm trying to think of a way that I can incorporate it in my own music, like on a recording or something. There's this one song that I think would be great for it...not on the song itself, but as an introduction to the song.

It seems to always come back to your songs. Which it should.

It should and it does. I have an fuckin' active musical imagination.

Which is a good thing.

Which is a very good thing. Believe me.

Because you live in the world

What's up, farmboy?

Revolution, that's what. First Tunisia and now Egypt. And, I gotta tell you, I don't know hardly anything about either one. And I'm not proud of that. I really should be better informed. 'Cause -- and I don't know why this matters to me -- but it's fuckin' history, man. I should know this stuff, you know?

So what are you going to do about it?

I'm not sure, but maybe I could listen to the news a little more.

Where do you get your news? Just radio? How about television?

I never got one of those digital box thingys. I have a little 13-inch TV but I don't get, like, news channels. I can't afford to buy a TV. And if I could afford it I would buy a car stereo instead.

I read the New York Times, but I don't read it regularly. I used to, after 9/11. I need to do that again.

I know. It's hard. But it's good to know what's going on in the world.

Uh...why?

Because you live in the world.

Oh, Yeah. I can see that. But will it lead to more songs?

Probably.

Okay, then. I'll pay better attention.