A night off practice

I am so fuckin' tired. I started out the day tired and it stayed and grew and...you know how tired I am? I'm giving myself a night off practice. 'Course I did play a couple of songs so the day's not a total musical wash. Back to it tomorrow.

farmboy, are you feeling guilty?

Kind of. But I actually think that it's necessary tonight. Playing when you're this exhausted can't be good. Can it?

You tell me.

Tomorrow I practice. Tonight I heal.

To enjoy the night

Just checkin' in, man. Gotta go to bed so I can go to work in the morning. Weekends are so fuckin' short.

Are you doing okay, farmboy? How are things on the depression front?

They're about as well as can be expected on a Sunday night. At least I'm not freaking out or anything. I have a little anxiety.

What I'm really hoping is that when I go to bed, there'll be a little time before I fall asleep that I can just listen to music and think and stuff. Some time to enjoy the night, you know what I mean?

I do, farmboy. Listen,, I'm gonna let you go to bed now. Have a good night, now.

You too, man. Have some good dreams.

A pretty solitary kinda guy

So I'm just checking in, man. It's Friday, it's the weekend, I'm stoned and I've got chicken and trail mix. And fruit, too. Oranges and bananas and apples. It's a Raffi song come true!

What do you have planned for this weekend, farmboy?

It's my brother's birthday and we're going to have dinner at a southern cooking restaurant. His wife and some friends. I'm looking forward to it.

Slowly I'm getting more social. I went out last Sunday night and I'm out tomorrow night. I guess that's a good thing, you know? I get pretty fuckin' lonesome sometimes, man. I'm usually a pretty solitary kinda guy.

I've noticed.

It's like my natural state. I don't know why. I don't trust people, maybe. It's like, I know where I stand with dogs a lot of the time. If the dog gives me half a chance, the dog will end up liking me. Kids can be that way sometimes. I'm a likable guy, right?

What do you think, farmboy?

I think I can be likable sometimes. Sometimes it's when I'm performing on stage. But, fuck, I don't know. And in the long run I'm not the one to even judge that.

You're pretty likable, man. How do you do it? Is impart of being an interviewer?

It's like you say, farmboy. I don't know and I can't judge.

Yeah, I guess we're stuck, man. This being human truly sucks sometimes.

morning comes too quickly

morning comes too quickly

I hate to see the moon disappear

the stars in the night sky

find themselves a new atmosphere

and I will awake

to face another lonely day

I wish the night would come

and take me away

I'm not sure I aim for happiness

So I'm not having a hard time lately. Or, rather, right now. Just thought I'd let you know.

So you're happy, are you, farmboy?

Well, no. Thanks for raining on my fuckin' parade, man.

I'm sorry, farmboy. I didn't mean it to sound like that. I was hoping you were happy, that's all.

I'm not sure I aim for happiness. I mean, happiness...I'm not sure how happy I am. With the making of the CD I'm somewhat happy. But better than that, I'm doing something that's satisfying. I'm happy on Friday afternoons.

But as far as happiness goes, well...I'm gonna have to think about that.

Are you happy, man?

I have moments of happiness. I've learned to notice the good things in life, and that helps a lot. Just being conscious of everyday life and how it makes me happy.

Ah, man, more to think about. Happiness, that's something I basically never think about. I don't know if I should or not.

Happiness may not be something you need to work on.

Oh, no, I need to work on it. I could be much happier, which is not to say I'm depressed or anything. Although I am depressed a lot. And anxious. My anxiety seems to have really grown this year, which worries me...

Which causes you anxiety...

(laughs) Yeah, that's true. I got way too much to think about. Think I'll go to bed.

Good night, farmboy.

'Night, man.

silence

sometimes I am hungry

for silence

it calls to me

in ways I cannot imagine

it wants shadows

and blackness

in its darkness

but it is not without

its own kind of light

I can see it

and I hunger for it also

as a side dish

to silence

Every note I play

Okay, I don't like to talk about my job, but I've come to the conclusion that I hate my job, I dread going to work every day, and I -- irrationally -- fear my job sometimes. Damn. Fuck. This fuckin' job, man...

So what can you do about it, farmboy?

It's just got to make me more determined, musically. I gotta make this CD and I gotta get some kind of music career going. First off, I need the money. Secondly, my whole life will improve if I am busy musically.

So you're working on it.

I'm working on it.

I gotta remember that every note I play is a small baby step in the right direction. Every song I write, whether it's a keeper or not, is a little step. Every performance, every rehearsal. Especially rehearsals right now. I want to go into the studio in a couple weeks and my "free" life -- my life outside of my fuckin' day job -- needs to be about these songs.

So I'll have to figure out some kind of strategy for putting up with the FJ...

FJ?

Fuckin' job. It's just simpler that way.

So, I've got to figure out ways to stand the job because I need the money and I need the medical insurance.

farmboy, you need to keep the music and the CD at the front of your mind, even when you're working. Remember what your goal is and keep moving toward it.

I know, man. And I will. I'm going to have to.

I also gotta remember that this lousy FJ won't last forever. I'm gonna use it in the sense that it's a more physically demanding job. I mean, I'm going to use it to my advantage. I want to get in better shape. Maybe this job can help.

That's a good way to look at it.

I need all the good ways I can get.

Millions of ideas

Man, I am so glad it's Friday. I tell you, this working for a living is so overrated. Besides the paycheck, weekends are the best thing about working.

But enough about that. Man, I been working on the CD, and it's like, I get close then I lose my way, which is okay, 'cause then I get even closer.

How's the rehearsing going, farmboy?

Going fuckin' great, I tell you what. I think I'm going to come out of this experience a much better musician. I gotta get comfortable with these songs so I can explore them fully.

So, man, that's about it. How about you? How's your week been?

It's been busy, which is not something I appreciate. But I'm glad we found time to talk.

Yeah, it helps me a whole lot. It helps to have somebody I can bounce all my millions of ideas on. It's so strange...sometimes one of those ideas actually sticks.

Like this CD...

Like the CD. I'm getting in the midst of it. I'm laying the foundation.

Nerve

So today I spent an amazing amount of time working on the CD. I worked on budget, I worked on sequence, I took songs off and put some on. I worked on exactly how stripped-down this CD could be. I started playing with the ideas for the CD. I figure that it's an important step in my creative life,or something like that, you know?

How did this all feel, farmboy?

I'm glad to have at least started this. It's astounding how much work it takes to make a CD -- and I'm not even at the stage where I'm making charts or lyric sheets. There's a fuckin' lot of work to do. And I'm motivated, believe me. I love making a CD. I have to be careful to not drag it out so much because I love it, I love the process. Which is a good thing.

It is a good thing, farmboy. It's something you love.

Yeah, that's true. I love music and I love songs.

I mainly just want the nerve to pull this thing off, you know? All these people who did the Kickstarter thing, they all have faith in me and they are encouraging to me. I want to do a good job for them.

From what I've seen, farmboy, you've got plenty of nerve when it involves something you believe in.

I better, man, that's all I know.

look, it's not so hard

look, it's not so hard

I can do it by myself

just don't think so much

trust your intuition

and you may do some good work.

you don't stand a chance

if second-guessing

is your closest companion.

just trust who you are

and the rest will come

and you will deal naturally

you were made for life

Focus on the process

Man, I don't know. I'm trying to change some things in my life, health-wise. And it's actually gone pretty fuckin' good, you know? But today I started getting discouraged. And...well, what I'm doing is trying to get into habits like fruits and vegetables and water and exercising, you know, moving.

In other news, I spent a lot of this evening thinking about the CD. This is a good thing. I want it to be really focused and it's on its way.

And you have tomorrow off, right, farmboy?

Yep. I gotta do some stuff but I have the day to do whatever I please, I guess. There's lots of stuff to keep me busy.

Like the CD? It sounds like you've been working hard at it for a while now. I imagine that it must be pretty satisfying.

It's getting there, man. I'm enjoying it, that's for sure. But, like the health thing, I gotta try to not get discouraged. It's so easy, because...well, it's my fuckin' history, to be honest. Even though that sounds pretty close to self-pity to me.

What I need to do, I'm thinking, is focus on the process rather than the outcome. I mean, I can think about the outcome...but this is stuff that I want to be a process. I want working on music to be a habit just like the nutrition and exercise stuff.

And to a certain extent it is...

Yeah. Actually, the music is more of a habit already. Which is a really great thing. I can be real disciplined musically if I put my mind to it.

Anyway, all that's where I'm at today.

It all sounds good, farmboy. See you tomorrow?

You bet,, man. Tomorrow it is.

I want to be confident and strong

Well, man, today was the first day of a three-day weekend. And I did basically nothing. Saw a couple of movies on Netflix, rehearsed for the CD. Didn't even leave the apartment. Just a lazy fuckin' day.

And that's okay, farmboy. It's good to have a do-nothing day once in a while.

Yeah, I know. I made chicken vegetable soup today. Pretty healthy stuff. I'm trying to be healthier. I need to do that for the CD. I want my vocals to sound healthy, you know.

Lots of things seem to be in service to the CD.

Man, you are so right. It's gonna affect everything, I think, in my life for a while. And I actually think that's a good thing, you know?

I just realized today that I've been having a hard time for the past dozen years or so. That's a long time to have a lot of trouble and misery in your life. I have to change it. I don't know how, but I can't be wasting so much time and energy on a miserable life.

No, you can't, farmboy. Twelve years...

I mean, there's been some good stuff in there, too. I don't want to discount that. It's just been hard for a long,long time.

Depression?

Yeah, and financial and spiritual and...well, a lot of it's been grief over my father's death. And there that is. Let's talk about something else.

Anyway, I just don't want to waste any more time. I want to play music, I want to travel. I'd like to fall in love, even. I want to quit being afraid. I want to be confident and strong.

And you will be, farmboy.

I know. I'm just impatient, you know? I'm also aware that I have so much hard work ahead of me. But, man, it'll be worth it. I know that for sure.

out of words

I am out of words

silence is my companion

it's sad but it's true

I used up my words

somewhere; maybe when I was

completely depressed

I wasted my words

documenting my sadness

making souvenirs

for my own pleasure

don't know if it's self pity

or some form of grief

all I know is that

words seem to have disappeared

never to return?

no, they're just hiding

forcing me to hunt for them

somewhere in my heart

empty tonight

there's nothing to say

it has already been said

too many damn times

I'm empty tonight

there's no original thoughts

or none worth having

you were always right

I added up to nothing

a total failure

you might say. But I'm

thinking you were wrong this time

(not that I was right)

I love my bed

Man, I'm so fuckin' tired. I just thought I'd check in, see how you're doing, that kind of thing.

I'm fine, farmboy, but you look and sound tired. Are you planning to go to bed soon, by any chance?

Well, as a matter of fact, I am going to go to sleep. In a bed. I love my bed.

I just wish I didn't have to get up and get busy all the time. I mean, I feel like I'm complaining about work all the fuckin' time. So let's move on. Which, in my case, means going to bed. I'm feeling sorta dingy now. So I better go to sleep.

Goodnight, farmboy.

Goodnight, pal.

Testifying

Sunday night, poor Sunday night. It's the final flare of freedom, where your time is your own. People live Sunday night in dread. And I can be one of those people.

Want to talk about it, farmboy?

No, not really. I've put you through it time and time again. I just gotta remember to be musically busy for the next week, rehearsing and stuff. It's hard 'cause I come home so fuckin' tired, but I gotta do it, man. I gotta remember who I am.

So what are your plans for the week?

The main thing is to keep on practicing and to try to stay in the moment when I'm singing. Which is, for me, the hardest thing to do. I don't know, maybe I'll go to Wikipedia or something, maybe it's an acting thing. There's gotta be some answers out there, I know I'm not the only one who's gone through this kind of problem.

Problem?

That's what I think it is, man, in my own life. I'm so anxious all the time when I'm doing a song, you know. My mind's on a whole other track, thing: "What if I forget the words? How does my hand work? How do the fingers know where to go? Okay, the next line is..." Anything except staying in the fuckin' here and now, experiencing the song, testifying.

So that's this week's musical challenge. Learning (laughs) to be one with the song. That's all.

Pretty tall order, farmboy.

Ain't nothin' I can't handle.

ready

I been thinking hard

about the changes to come

and I am ready

I am not fearless

I am frightened beyond belief

but I have to try

these days are sad, but

there should be celebration

freedom's on its way

here I go, brother

I've been waiting all my life

and I am ready

So, yeah, I been thinking

It's Friday, farmboy. Bet that's making you happy.

It's weird. I'm feeling depressed or something, but I'm thinking that it's mainly exhaustion. I'm really fuckin' tired, man. It's been a hard fuckin' week. This physical work is hard, but I'm really hoping it will be good in the long run.

I want to be stronger, man. I want to be confident. I want to be brave. And my anxiety level...it's always been high, but, fuck, it's off the fuckin' charts, you know. I gotta change some things.

Such as?

Such as what I eat, social contact, exercise...you know, all those things that are hard for me. Right now the only good thing going on in my life -- and this is a very big thing -- is music. With the rehearsing, the CD...Music is going really well right now. Thank God.

It's sounds like you've been thinking a lot, farmboy.

Man, that's like all I do, all the time. Plus, I smoke weed and I love thinking when I'm high. So, yeah, I been thinking. Analyzing everything. Damn.

That may be part of being an artist.

Maybe. I have to try not to be overdramatic about such things. But it may be, yeah.

I still want to live

I don't want to die

I want my life, depressing

as it sometimes is

I still want to live

I like everyday breathing

sleeping in my bed

drinking cold water

grinding and brewing coffee

liquid is my friend

eating oranges

sweet and filled with sunlight

my vitamin C

I enjoy my life

something I need to remember

when my life gets bad

My mind hasn't adjusted yet

How are you doing today, farmboy?

I'm depressed because I have to work. (laughs) My mind hasn't adjusted yet to the idea that winter break has ended. It's really strange, you know, when your fuckin' emotions are as out of control as mine.

I know this is all bullshit. though. It's just amazing how fuckin' strong the feeling is. I'll be okay. It just takes time.

And a good night's sleep.

Yeah, well, I'm pretty damn good at sleep. It's amazing how good I am. I had a great night's sleep last night. I love sleep.

That's good, farmboy. It's easier to work when your body's feeling good.

And your mind?

They're both connected.

Cool. I know what you mean, man. After seventeen days of being a lazy bum, it's a little hard to just snap to attention the first day. We all -- my coworkers and me -- had the same problem.

So there will hopefully be some improvement tomorrow?

That's what I'm hoping, man.

It'll all be okay

Gotta go back to back to my fuckin' job tomorrow. Trying not too think about it. Living off baked Cheetos and diet caffeine-free Pepsi. Depressed. Gotta figure out something to live for now that my beautiful winter break is over.

Be careful, farmboy.

Oh, I'm being dramatic, man. I don't expect to feel good going back, but tomorrow will come and it'll all be okay. Don't worry.

I know how you can get going back to work, farmboy. I know you don't much like your job and that you dread going back.

Yeah, but I'll be okay. I know this. I'll get a good night's sleep and it'll all be okay. Thanks for the concern, though. I appreciate it.

I do have to figure something else to look forward to; I mean, besides the CD. Something to get me through each day.

I can help, if you want to bounce ideas off somebody.

Thanks, that would help. I'll let you know when I have some ideas, okay?

Sounds good.

Good. It'll give me something to think about besides the inevitable.

childish things

now is the time to put away

your childish things

the joy that they bring

is not equal

to the hear and now

now is the time to put away

the leftover thoughts

the comforts they brought

you do not need them anymore

there is no need

to go back where you were before

your childish things

belong to you no more