the people's symphony

I listen to the silence
like it's the people's symphony
I am respectful and formal
(unwilling servant that I am)

I believe I'll try something new:
I will listen to the silence
like it's a 
party!
I will drink alcoholic beverages
and sing along
loudly
with flat harmonies
and poor enunciation

but none of that will matter
because it's silence
and the only way 
to sing along with silence
is to not sing at all
not even humming to yourself

so I will listen to the silence
in silence
and if I'm fortunate
a part of me
will float away
to be part of a symphony
no one can hear

for Jen

I love Jesus but I drink a little
I love Jesus but I drink a little
my mind is fine 
I'm fit as a fiddle
glory Halleloo!


I've got the spirit but I love my moonshine
I've got the spirit but I love my moonshine
all my troubles left behind me
glory halleloo!


don't you worry 'bout me
partake of my hospitality


I love Jesus but I drink a little
I love Jesus but I drink a little
I'm rough around the edges
but I'm soft in the middle
glory halleloo!


I ain't perfect but the Lord still loves me
I ain't perfect but the Lord still loves me
I'm hoping He's thinking the very best of me
glory halleloo!


don't you worry 'bout me
you're part of the family

I love Jesus but I drink a little

I love Jesus but I drink a little

dreams like flapjacks

hot from the griddle

glory halleloo!

glory halleloo!

glory halleloo!

Fuckin' final exam

Played at the coffeehouse tonight. My nerves weren't as bad as they usually are, and my instrumental practicing has really worked out. But I've been better. But I wasn't half-bad.


You're so hard on yourself, farmboy. Give yourself a break and let yourself enjoy the pure joy of creating music. Trust me on this one. You'll enjoy it, you really will.


I enjoy playing, but I know you're right, man. I'm always striving for some sort of musical perfection, or something, I'm not sure what. What pisses me off is that it makes music a kind of fuckin' final exam.


But tonight, man...I'm not anywhere near to where I want to be but I'm moving in the right direction. I'm talking confidence here.


Which is something that you have major issues with, if you don't mind me saying that.


You can fuckin' say whatever you want. It's true, confidence...Man, I need to get confident. I need to live my life with confidence. It's just too...pathetic, you know, to live like a fuckin' wuss all the time. I need to be brave. There's this great songwriter who lives in Utah named T.R. Ritchie and he's been quoted as saying "When in doubt, do the brave thing."


Wise words.


Yeah, they are. I need to put them on a fuckin' refrigerator magnet and read them every day.

Always the same question

Friday's almost here. It's amazing, man. Every week is like the one before. It's like, by Sunday night I'm depressed because Monday is here and the hope of the weekend is gone. But, by fuckin' golly, Friday's almost here again! It'll all be great until Sunday afternoon, when I get depressed again.


Have you ever heard of living for the moment, farmboy? You may want to try it some time. Sunday afternoon might not seem so bad.


Easier said than done, my good interviewer friend. At least it is for me. I fuckin' anticipate things way too much. With always the same question: "What if -- fill in the blank -- happens?" Man, I tell you, fear rules my life.


I thought guilt ruled your life.


It used to. Now, not so much. For now, that is. Guilt could come back to reclaim its crown at any moment. But for a while now, fear has been the big boss. Pisses me off.


But, anyway, does it all matter? Not today! 'Cause today, man, today is Thursday and there is light at the fuckin' end of the fuckin' tunnel, man!

puppies

all these words
jumble around in my brain
waiting to be put to use
in sentences
and rhymes
they are so willing to please
like puppies
licking your nose


it is too bad
that I have nothing to say

Grouchy

Man, this just fuckin' sucks. I ain't even tired and I have to go to bed so I can wake up and go to my fuckin' job. Seems like everything I do is centered around the fuckin' job. You know, being a good little soldier ant. 


You may not feel it, farmboy, but you sound tired. Maybe you should go to bed.


Yeah, I know. My teeth are brushed, clothes are laid out, tomorrow's lunch is made. I guess I could go to bed. You know, wake up fresh and all that shit.


Plus, I guess I get grouchy when I get tired.


Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.


Have a good night, man.

springtime comes

sun breaks through the leaves
golden on my neighbor's lawn
springtime comes at last 

buy fresh strawberries
$1.50, sixteen ounces
sugar not needed

sit out on the front steps
playing the guitar
waiting for summer
now that winter's gone and past
springtime comes
springtime comes at last

That's my redemption, you know

So today I did the guitar tracks for half of the songs on the CD. The engineer said I did well, that my guitar arrangements are good, and that the rehearsing paid off. Which I hope is true. I'll have to listen to them, and right now I'm just too fuckin' close to it to really hear it for what it really is. 


But -- just off the top of your head, farmboy -- how do you think you did? 


Well...I think I did pretty well. I sure wish I didn't have such a strong case of nerves when recording.


I think that it will be really interesting to record the vocals on these songs. I'm not used to singing without playing and I think it might be fun to be able to concentrate on the vocals. Plus I get to spend some time -- some more time, that is -- thinking about what I want the vocals to sound like.


I'm not a real pretty singer, you know. I was not blessed with one of those voices that just sounds good making a noise. So it's all phrasing and emotion. Well, that and being in tune and breath control and all that stuff.


Personally, I like your singing. You have a very conversational style that communicates well to the listener. And I think your voice is better than you give it credit for. I think you just heard too much criticism about your singing growing up. And that was wrong criticism. Stupid criticism.


Yeah, thanks. It's so fuckin' hard to unlearn that shit. Sometimes I think that it ain't fuckin' fair, you know, that I have spent so much time and energy trying to keep what rightfully is mine.


Meaning?


It would be good to feel a certain amount of freedom and joy and confidence in my singing. I'm so fuckin' tired of fighting that criticism that I got as a child and as a young man. I should be past that now, you know? But, fuck, I believed that shit completely.


And now you're proving those people wrong.


I'm trying to, man, I'm trying.


And you're succeeding, farmboy.


Man, I hope so. I want to be good in music so much that it fuckin' hurts. Nobody has any idea.   That's what's important to me, man. The music, the songs. That's my redemption, you know. Music. That's how I get to have my say. That's how I get to live life.


You are good at music, farmboy. You have nothing to worry about.


Boy, I'm hoping so, man. And I hope making this CD proves something to me, that I have a fuckin' right to make this music. And write songs. And sing, man. I want to sing. I really want to be a singer, too.


You are, farmboy.


That's what I'm gonna be working on, man. I'm gonna be communicating.

R.I.P. Levon Helm

A moment of silence for Levon Helm. To be followed by singing.

Kind of nothing

Man, I'm tired and I'm boring. I just thought I'd see how you're doing. So...how're you doing, man?


Doing pretty okay, farmboy. Can't complain. How about yourself?


I told you,man. I'm fuckin' tired and I'm fuckin' boring...


Boring?


I feel like I've said every word, thought every thought, and that everything from here on out is a fuckin' rerun, you know? And I know that that's not true or anything, but...fuck. I feel like I need to fall asleep so I can wake up refreshed, unafraid to start the day.


Are you afraid to start the day, farmboy?


Uh,, I'm...vulnerable in the morning, man. Pisses me off. I wake up, I don't want to go anywhere, least of all to my fuckin' job. I want to be safe at home, under the blankets, next to the radio and my iPod. But no,, I have to get up and take a shower and shave and get ready for another day at work. But lets not think about that right now.


What do you want to think about?


Kind of nothing. My mind is tired. I want to play online games, you know, word games and stuff. I want to get away from me for a little while.


Which I what I'm gonna do, I think. Play games or search the internet of read Reddit. And then I'll go to bed and fall asleep.


And then you'll wake up refreshed, unafraid to start the day!


Man, I ain't promising nothin'.

long way home

daddy's money won't save you
you've misbehaved, you
dug your own grave, too
trapped in a cage
now you're on your own
on your long way home

no time for talk, it
soars like a rocket
cash in your back pocket
outline drawn in chalk
now you're feeling alone
on your long way home

This recording stuff

So the CD is looking better all the time. It looks like it's all, uh, blending together, kind of like spices in chili the day after it's been made. I've been listening to the demos a lot while driving, and the more I get used to it, the more I think it's gonna be something I can be proud of. 


I can't wait to hear it, farmboy. You sound excited over it, which is great to see. What's changed, if anything?


I think getting used to hearing my own voice is important. I mean, it's not that I'm a bad singer, you know. It's kinda like I'm a songwriter and I have one of those songwriter type voices.


Full of personality...


Well, that's not for me to say, man. That's for people who are listening to determine. But I think I'm becoming a more expressive singer. I don't sound as afraid as I used to. And I think a lot of that has been the drilling, the repetition of playing the songs.


Another thing is the decision I made to record the guitar tracks separately. I've become a much better guitarist since my last CD and I'll be playing more guitar on this one. I may even play kind of a lead guitar on a couple tracks. I may also do some of my own harmonies.


I didn't know you could sing harmony, farmboy. That's a part of your musical talent I haven't heard since I've only heard you play by yourself.


I'm not a good harmony singer by any means. For some reason, though, I can sing harmony with myself on my own songs. It's a lot of fun. Of course, I'll have to see how it sounds once it's recorded. I may not be able to do it to my liking or I may just want another voice.


I'm so fuckin' pleased that it feels like this is coming together. You know, it's hard, this recording stuff. But it can be real rewarding.


I think it's another example of what can happen when you do what you're supposed to do. You were born to write songs, and this is just an extension of that.


Thanks, man. It really helps to hear you say that. Right now...I love this, this feeling confident and in control and doing my life's work. I know that sounds pretentious...


It doesn't sound pretentious, farmboy. I think it's fact.


It feels like it's fact. Damn, I fuckin' hope it's fact. That's what I need, man. I need to believe that I am talented. I hope I'll get there, man.

Empty canvas

It's the weekend! And not a moment too soon, I may add.


So what's up for this weekend, farmboy?


Not too fuckin' much, man. The weekend is an empty canvas and I alone hold the paintbrush. Which means that I'll probably go to my brother's house and wash my clothes. I'll probably play guitar some, and spend way too much time on the internet. 


But tonight...Man, I fell asleep about 7:30 or so,and woke up about eleven o'clock. Hey,, why is o'clock called o'clock? Is it Irish or something? Don't pay any attention to me. I'm stoned and I'm just fuckin' babbling. 


You've earned the right, farmboy. Will I hear from you this weekend? I'd like to catch up a little. I know you've been writing lately.


Yeah. Don't know if I'm gonna get something out of any of it. Too soon to tell, you know?


Anyway, yeah, it would be nice to talk more this weekend. I hope you're doing good, man. I hope you're having some fun. 

empty

sweet inspiration
catch it with your empty hands
holding a moonbeam

it's just like fishing
lines cast into the ocean
coming up empty

but there are some times
when the well is drawn from
and all is perfect

and for one moment
we accomplish
who we are

Thinking is dangerous

I've been thinking about lots of stuff lately, man.


Yeah, farmboy? Such as?


I've been thinking about dogs a lot lately. What are dogs thinking? In what language do they think? And why are some dogs so friendly? I mean, it seems like I hardly ever come across asshole dogs, you know? And I know they're out there, but, well, I basically only see my friends' dogs.


All right. What else?


I've been thinking a lot about my Dad and how much I miss him. Last month was ten years since his death and...


I need to change the channel, man.


Are you sure, farmboy? It's okay to talk about your father.


I know it is and I appreciate you listening. And I'm sure I'm going to need to talk about my father, at some point. And my mother, too. Right now is not the time, though.


What else have you been thinking about?


I've been thinking about how fuckin' fast childhood goes...Wait, I'm not sure I want to go there. Let's move on.


What else, then?


Um...Man, I gotta tell you, thinking is dangerous. I keep painting myself into a corner here. Maybe it's just better that I think about dogs, you know?


That's fine, farmboy. But you're a human being and you're asking some very human-like questions.


Maybe so. But sometimes it's just better to think about dogs.

Bessie Sue

I ain't gonna waste one extra minute
thinking there's a life
with you still in it
here's a message you can't ignore
my feet are moving across the floor
step after step to your front door
the one I'm walking through
it's so long to you
Bessie Sue

running back to you

as the sky is my witness

and the moon is my guide

it ain't nobody's business

why I run

and where I hide

there's only one reason

that can't be denied

I was running back to you

and the stars in the desert

shone overhead

while my logic betrayed me

and labeled me dead

you cannot believe

a word that I've said

I am running back to you, girl

I am running back to you

for loving you

somewhere I learned to

cast doubt

on everything I do

but I won't let these feelings

get in the way of you

I will fight

with all of my strength

I will go

to any length

'cause I got what it takes

for loving you

Songs without words

So the rehearsing I've been doing for the CD, it's turned into instrumental time while I practice for the recording of the basic guitar tracks. Songs without words.

How do you like doing this, farmboy?

It's fuckin' challenging, man. You have to keep track of where you are, you really can't let your fuckin' guard down for a second. 'Cause then you can lose place.

I can see where it will be good for me. At least I think it'll be good for me.

I know it will be good for you. I also know that it's a lot of work.

Yeah, but that's okay. I guess for me the main concern is that I can learn this stuff, the playing with a click track, the being in rhythm without it sounding mechanical. I'm hoping I'm smart enough, talented enough.

I don't think you have anything to worry about, farmboy.

Well, thanks, man. I hope you're right. 'Cause a lot of times, from where I stand, I wonder. I wonder if I have what it takes, you know, the raw material for learning.

farmboy, so far in this recording process you've doubted damn near everything about yourself. This is no different. But it's a pattern you might want to break.

No shit, Sherlock. Of course I'd like to break this habit. I'm thinking that maybe I'm in the process of learning how.

Really? I didn't know that. That's great.

I didn't know that until right now. And maybe I still don't know it. Maybe it's a bunch of jumbled words that I just put together because I can.

Or maybe it's true.

Well, I guess we'll just have to fuckin' see.

motorcycle noise

motorcycle noise

echoing through the canyon

somewhere in east jesus

and I am watching

the spectator that I am

"don't get me involved"

the noise grows louder

and louder and louder still

I can still hear it

in my memories

and it keeps growing louder

every day

My lack of fuckin' confidence

So, first day back at work. Glad that's fuckin' out of the way.

I bet, farmboy. What does this week hold in store, musically speaking?

Working on the the CD's songs as instrumentals. What I'm gonna record. The guitar tracks, that is. Sometimes I have a real hard time explaining myself, language-wise.

You do fine, farmboy. You're very good at expressing yourself.

I'm glad you think so. I don't feel like that at all.

In many areas, I may add.

Huh?

Confidence.

Oh, man, you're telling me nothing I don't know. I go through this shit constantly. My lack of fuckin' confidence, that is. It's fuckin' serious, man, and I can't afford it. I can't afford to think I'm a shithead.

So. Every day I work at it in some way. My hope is that all these little things I do actually add up to something. I tell myself they do. They may even be necessary, you know?

You know, you're smarter than you think, farmboy.

I'm fuckin' working on it, man.