That's my redemption, you know

So today I did the guitar tracks for half of the songs on the CD. The engineer said I did well, that my guitar arrangements are good, and that the rehearsing paid off. Which I hope is true. I'll have to listen to them, and right now I'm just too fuckin' close to it to really hear it for what it really is. 


But -- just off the top of your head, farmboy -- how do you think you did? 


Well...I think I did pretty well. I sure wish I didn't have such a strong case of nerves when recording.


I think that it will be really interesting to record the vocals on these songs. I'm not used to singing without playing and I think it might be fun to be able to concentrate on the vocals. Plus I get to spend some time -- some more time, that is -- thinking about what I want the vocals to sound like.


I'm not a real pretty singer, you know. I was not blessed with one of those voices that just sounds good making a noise. So it's all phrasing and emotion. Well, that and being in tune and breath control and all that stuff.


Personally, I like your singing. You have a very conversational style that communicates well to the listener. And I think your voice is better than you give it credit for. I think you just heard too much criticism about your singing growing up. And that was wrong criticism. Stupid criticism.


Yeah, thanks. It's so fuckin' hard to unlearn that shit. Sometimes I think that it ain't fuckin' fair, you know, that I have spent so much time and energy trying to keep what rightfully is mine.


Meaning?


It would be good to feel a certain amount of freedom and joy and confidence in my singing. I'm so fuckin' tired of fighting that criticism that I got as a child and as a young man. I should be past that now, you know? But, fuck, I believed that shit completely.


And now you're proving those people wrong.


I'm trying to, man, I'm trying.


And you're succeeding, farmboy.


Man, I hope so. I want to be good in music so much that it fuckin' hurts. Nobody has any idea.   That's what's important to me, man. The music, the songs. That's my redemption, you know. Music. That's how I get to have my say. That's how I get to live life.


You are good at music, farmboy. You have nothing to worry about.


Boy, I'm hoping so, man. And I hope making this CD proves something to me, that I have a fuckin' right to make this music. And write songs. And sing, man. I want to sing. I really want to be a singer, too.


You are, farmboy.


That's what I'm gonna be working on, man. I'm gonna be communicating.