if I had a child

if I had a child
I'd say
"you can be anybody
you want to be
but whatever you do
wherever you go
don't end up like me"

if I had a child
I'd say
"the whole damn world is yours"
the only world I ever had
was iron clad
behind closed doors

if I had a child
I'd say
"create and discover
your own truth from fiction"
my life as a child
was nothing 
but puzzling contradictions

fantasies and reality
blended in some story book
I gazed out through the window
to see how real children looked

if I had a child
I would not drown it
like some unwanted puppy
I would nurture it
encourage it 
I would give it love
real love
despite or because of
my hatred of
myself