friday haiku

I can't believe it!
I thought it would never come
the weekend is here

I gotta stop obsessing

I tell you, man, it hasn't been a bad day, but, well, there was this one challenging moment at work when I found myself getting into a political argument. I ended it with "We'll have to agree to disagree," and that's good, but it still bothers me. And there's nothing even wrong here and that's where the story ends. But I still keep on looking at it,

Fuck.

One thing I know about you, farmboy, is that you're always ready to be judge and jury and that you'll always wind up guilty.

Yeah, that's pretty much true, man. But there's this other thing coming up because I disagree so strongly with her. And, you know, she's not gonna change her mind and I ain't gonna change my mind and I've just gotta accept that and let it go. I gotta stop obsessing, you know.

And you can do that, farmboy. I've seen you change channels in your thoughts and actions. You can do that here also. Because staying angry is going to cause you more harm than good.

Okay, then, I'm gonna change my thinking. What can I think about?

You tell me.

All right, I'm gonna think about…

Any ideas?

I'm working on it. Gimme a fuckin' minute.

(farmboy thinks for a little while)

Well, I'm just gonna have to look harder. Whatever it is, it'll probably be about music.

like I always do

I know all the mistakes to make
but I make them anyway
in the school where you make mistakes
I would surely be earning an A
I would major in doing wrong
with a PhD in bad mental health
I would write the very best thesis
and the subject would be myself

          oh, woe is me
          what am I to do?
          guess I'll just keep on going
          like I always do

this is what I won't miss when I'm gone

all of those smelly socks
all of those dirty dishes
all of those unpaid bills
that old gross leftover food
all those bad songs filled 
with unfilled wishes
this is what life is
I've construed

this is what I won't miss when I'm gone
here's some things that make me glad
I won't live on and on
like broccoli and that need to partake
in that stuff that causes heartbreak
this is what I won't miss when I'm gone

Fuckin' nada, man

Man, I've tried, I really have, but I have nothing left to write. That's it. Fuckin' nada, man.

That's so sad, farmboy. And here are all those songs waiting to be written that now won't be. 

Okay, maybe not for-fuckin'-ever, but maybe for tonight. I find that the more I keep chasing inspiration, the more it evades me. Inspiration…I don't know, it's mysterious, you know? A lot of this creativity thing is. Songwriting certainly is. I mean, I understand now why songwriters talk so much about craft -- it's something you can have a little control over, you have some say in the matter.

So I'm working on getting better at my fuckin' craft.

And you are, farmboy.

I'm trying, man, I'm trying.

when eggs fry

with apologies to Prince

maybe you're wanting it scrambled
once over, sunny side
would an omelet be too much a gamble
this is what it tastes like
when eggs fry

first rough draft: to where I'm going

when I get to where I'm going
when I'm gone from where I've been
I'll miss the ocean breeze 
blowing gentle on my skin
like a newborn baby
I'll awaken once again
when I get to where I'm going

when I cross the river of Jordan
when I finally find my home
when I reach that place that's more than
anywhere I've known
I will leave behind a bounty
of all the seeds I've sown
when I get to where I'm going

         I love you more
         than you could ever know
         I am weary
         let me go

all the bright stars of the desert
all the dreaming of my youth
all the work inside each effort
of the telling of the truth
I can only hope my love for you
remains my earthly proof
when I get to where I'm going

A guitar and a computer and weed

Man, I am so glad this fuckin' week is over. There wasn't a teachers' strike, or at least not yet. The strike has been suspended, which was a relief for everybody, pretty much. It was good news for the students, the teachers, the support staff, the families...I don't know what the administration of Portland Public Schools think. Get 'em out of there, that's what I say. Stupid assholes.

So it was a better week than it could have been. I don't know what the future holds in store. But enough of that stuff. It's the weekend!

What are you doing this weekend, farmboy? Any chance of going to the movies?

I would love to, but it's the end of the month and money is super tight. But I'll be okay. I ain't nearly as desperate as I've been in the past.

I know. There's been some really lean times.

Well, at least I get paid in a week and I have some money for food and gasoline. But, still, it's frustrating to not be able to do anything.

But I've got a guitar and a computer and weed, so life is good. I ain't complaining. At least not too much, right?

About the average amount, I would say.

See? That's not too bad, eh? 

so sad all the time. so stoned.

so sad all the time
so stoned
so tired of feeling
lost and so alone
nobody understands
and everyone demands
so you make your plans
to leave your childhood home


but you're still a child
and you're still under their roof
they don't realize
that you're bulletproof
even when you're 
in the danger zone
so sad all the time
so stoned


from an idea by Scott Seward

life in heaven

it's like TV
think of it that way
like an ice cold beer
at the end of the workday
like a vacation in
a good hotel 
or the purest water
from a wishing well
look around, boy
can't you tell
this is life in heaven

to where I'm going (bridge)

I love you more
than you could ever know
I am weary
let me go

to where I'm going, verse two

when I cross the river of Jordan
when I finally find my home
when I reach that place that's more than
anywhere I've known
I will leave behind a bounty
of all the seeds I've sown
when I get to where I'm going

Hard thinkin'

So I've been doing work on the CD. Most, if not all of the songs are deemed worthy by  the almighty me, king of farmboyland. 

Well, that's certainly good news, farmboy.

Yeah, it's really good news, 'cause the songs, man, the songs are the foundation of this whole endeavor.

The one problem I'm having -- the one creative problem, that is -- there's no fuckin' center to the album that I can hear. I'm not sure there's a thread that ties together all the songs.

Do the songs really need to be tied together?

I guess what I want with this album is some kind of cohesiveness. I don't want it to sound fragmented.

And, of course, I want it to sound honest and heartfelt and I gotta remember to put the focus on the songs and not things like how much stuff can I put on a recording. I got some hard thnkin' I gotta do, man.

It's all for the best, farmboy.

It sure is. I don't want to complain so much, 'cause it's all just a fuckin' journey, you know? And I had the major, major privilege to have received the gift of songwriting as my talent. Sometimes you just fuckin' score in this life, man.

to where I'm going

when I get to where I'm going
when I'm gone from where I've been
I'll miss the ocean breeze blowing
gentle on my skin
like the soft breath of a lover
I'll awaken once again
when I get to where I'm going

my best thinking

I do my best thinking
with a bottle of wine
and a girl, name of Sheila,
with tequila in her glass

I'm busy at real life here

Man, I've been stressed because there's this shit going on at the fuckin' job. You know I hate to talk about the fuckin' job…

I know, farmboy. I'm surprised you're talking about it. What happened?

Well, nothing's happened yet, but there's going to be a teachers strike and everybody is on edge, including me. It's complicated and there's no need to go into details, but it's a fuckin' drag. I mean, I'm not a teacher, but it's in my fuckin' contract that I'll work and I hate doing that. This whole thing is unfair. Portland Public Schools is a fuckin' travesty. Fuck the administrators in charge. What a bunch of fuckin' idiots.

So, like, my strategy to get through this is to say to myself "I've got an album to do." Which is true. It's gonna happen and it's gonna be out in probably June or July. 

Good strategy, farmboy.

Thanks. I am serious about this album. This needs to be my first priority. Fuck the school district. I'm busy at real life here.

I don't want to think about

I don't want to think about 
my stupid mind-numbing ass-sucking job
because my job is not who I am

and I don't want to think about
all those greedy, greedy sons-of-bitches
who think they own my life

they don't own my life

and I don't want to think about
all those so-called experts who believe in
"one size fits all"

they're fuckin' liars,
that's what they are

I just want to think about friday night
when I'm feeling free and happy

and I don't want to think about
how fast monday is coming up
because no matter how fast it is
it's always too fuckin' fast
for me

I used to be a caterpillar

Hey, can you take another song idea?

Sure, farmboy. Throw one out at me.

So I'm thinking 'bout a simple song, maybe even like a children's song, from the point of view of a…whatever the fuck it is when the caterpillar is in the cocoon, on its way to becoming a butterfly. It'll be about entering unknown territory. I mean, the metaphorical possibilities are fuckin' limitless, you know?

I can see that, yes. 

I don't want to spell too much out, though. All I know is that I won't really know until I write it. 

This seems new for you, farmboy, this talking about ideas.

Yeah, I don't know what I think about it yet. Usually it's, like, a group of words that sound good together -- that's what I start with. But I've been getting these ideas lately. This could be interesting. I hope.

what I'm not gonna miss

So here's an idea for a new song. I have this friend who teaches songwriting and he has this exercise where you write a song about what you'll miss about this life after you've gone. And I have another friend who wrote a wonderful song based on this exercise.

Sounds great, farmboy. I'm intrigued. I'd be very interested in what you'd miss…

Ah, but wait. There's more.

I want to write a song about what I'm not gonna miss. I think it would be entertaining and funny and a good exercise as well. Or, really, an anti-exercise This way I get to be rebellious,  which is something I love to be.

I never would have guessed…

Hey! Sarcasm's not needed here!

But it's funny and entertaining!

Man! I try to be fuckin' creative and this is what I get?

innocent again

when I was a child
all I wanted to be was older
I couldn't wait
I wouldn't hesitate
to cross over that border
but this life I've chose
it ain't even close
to the dreams inside my head
now I can't pretend
and I wish i could be
innocent again

ain't enough love

I got love
you got love
but there ain't enough love
for the two of us
make you wanna holler
make you wanna cuss
but ain't nothing you can do

a kid's song

So here's this idea I have for a kid's song.

Good. What is it, farmboy?

Well, each verse would be about life from a different point of view of a living thing. You know, a tree, a bug, a dog, a lion…ending with a human being, the listener. Each one is equal and each is thankful for the life they have. Maybe there'd be a chorus holding it all together. But it can't be preachy. I fuckin' hate it when songs are preachy.

I really like that idea. I'd be interested in hearing the songs that you'd write for children, farmboy. And you have a built-in audience with the students in your classroom.

I'll see. Maybe I'll play around with that for a while. It may not lead anywhere but, hey, it's writing, you know? The more I do of that, the better, right?

younger women

all those younger women
keep getting
older and older
but they're never gonna
be as old as you
it's not a world 
where you can lift them
over your shoulder
but I guess some things
you never outgrew

Like the fuckin' Twilight Zone

Dig this, man. Got home from work early because it's fuckin' snowing!

I know! Pretty exciting, eh, farmboy?

The big excitement to me is that I'm positive there will be a snow day tomorrow, which means a three-day weekend. And I get to stay at home and I can't really do anything about it! Time is irrelevant! It's kinda like the fuckin' Twilight Zone to me, another world. That's what it's like when it snows. I love snow.

Of course, I'm saying this from the comfort of my little apartment with heat and gas and electricity and music and food, you know? 

I think about that too, farmboy. I sometimes feel guilty about being indoors enjoying the sound of the rain.

Man, same with me. And I fuckin' love the sound of rain.

And the look of snow?

Proof that some things really do change.

love whispered to you

it was there
right before your very eyes
love whispered to you
and it wasn't telling lies
but while you 
were making up your mind
time moved on
leaving you behind

breathe

breathe in
breathe out
breathe in
once again
relax
breathe out
count down
to ten
don't speak
don't think
accept what
you believe
what goes in
what goes out
close your eyes
breathe

A change is gonna come

So here I am, it's Monday night, the night when everything seems hopeless because there four more days of my stupid job to get through. But enough of that.

I was at the NPR website today and heard a story about the great, great Sam Cooke song "A Change is Gonna Come."

I heard that! That's quite a song. How was the news report, farmboy?

It was great. That song is so fuckin' amazing, man. It got me thinking that if a song like that came out of me I'd be scared shitless. Listen to the melody of that first line.

(farmboy sings)

           I was born by the river
           in a little tent

I'm astounded by that. There is so much strength in his singing, so much emotion, you think it's going to overtake everything. 

He's a brilliant singer, that's for sure.

Just the fuckin' best, man. And his singing on this song! It makes you think we really will overcome.

And we will.

It's good, it's necessary to remember that, you know?

hound dog eyes

I made a mistake
I followed the wrong decision
what can I say?
I was an irresponsible man
dealing with high confusion
and after all's said and done
I've reached the conclusion
that I was wrong
and you were you 
and the only thing
that I can do
is look real pitiful
with these hound dog eyes
and whisper a few
pathetic lies
and sure as eleven follows ten
you're gonna take me back again

a new dictionary

you and me, babe
what should we do
I've got some tequila
a jacuzzi for two
I've got some ideas
I know you are the same
all that we're needing
is a room and a name

          we need a new dictionary
          to find the words for our love
          a new dictionary
          would never be enough