Sounds like a fuckin' folk singer

Man, I don't know…I'm excited, I'm happy, I'm anxious, I'm worried, I…just don't know, man.

You don't sound like you're any different to me, farmboy. I do like the happy and excited part, though.

What about anxious? What about worried?

You're always anxious and nervous, farmboy.

No, I'm not!

Yes, you are. But you're changing.

So, what is all this hubbub about?

I love the word "hubbub."

That's why I used it. So, come on, talk.

I'm doing the CD release show later this month, tomorrow may be the last recording date, and I just put out the announcements on Facebook and Kickstarter. I can't believe this is happening, man. I mean, my life is just so fuckin' severe all the time, you know. And here this is happening.

I'm so apprehensive about this CD because it sounds so much like…well, so much like me.

Isn't that the point, farmboy?

Well, fuck, yeah. I'm just afraid people are gonna be expecting fancy pop arrangements…and what they're getting are original songs played on an acoustic guitar. People are gonna say "farmboy sounds like a fuckin' folk singer."

Uh, farmboy?

Yeah?

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you're a fuckin' folk singer.

Yeah, I know. I kinda prefer that to "singer-songwriter" in a way. But they're all just categories and they don't mean shit.

I think your CD is going to be just fine, farmboy. And, hey, congratulations!

Thanks, man. And, really, I think the CD will be fine. I'm just being…

Anxious and worried?

Yeah. But I'm always that, you know?

petty revenge

I saw her at a kroeger's 
in east orange, new jersey
she caught my eye
I whispered "lord have mercy"
'cause she was a special somebody
I used to know
in fact, we were engaged 
a long time ago

I was the one who broke it off
she didn't take it good
in fact, she said she'd get
her revenge if she could
and now she's here 
in the cookie and candy aisle
she looked right at me
and she started to smile 

she said "oh my god,
I can't believe it's you
here's what I've always 
wanted to do…"

and she said:
"let me show you a picture
of my hunky fiancée
you know, he's good friends
with jay-z and beyoncé
he's got a house in the hamptons
and another in paris
and we fly everywhere
he don't care what the fare is

(to be continued)

Knee-high to a fuckin' grasshopper

Fuck, man, I tell you, I can't give myself a fuckin' break, you know?

You're just now learning this, farmboy? I've known that ever since I've known you.

Yeah, I was knee-high to a fuckin' grasshopper, as I recall. What the fuck are you talking about, man?

You never give yourself a break. You look for what's wrong in whatever's right with your life because you have a hard time being happy. But you know what?

What?

I'm proud of you. Finally you're saying "I won't" instead of "They won't." You're owning your own problem instead of blaming it on someone or something else.

(sarcastically)  How very 1970's of me.

See? See what you're doing? You couldn't have just said thank you, could you, farmboy? You had to diminish what I said as soon as possible because I was basically saying that you're making progress in experiencing your life.

I know, man. I'm sorry. I really am.

Thank you.

This is now a mission and I will have my revenge

So hard, man. So fuckin' hard.

What's wrong, farmboy? Finances? Music? Is it the CD? Is it your health?

No. It's the drain in the bathroom sink. It's clogged.

So? Fix it. You fixed the drain in your shower, as I recall. You cleared the drain by using vinegar and baking soda.

Yeah, I've done that. Several times. Even did that Liquid Plumber stuff, too. But now it's gone further than this. This is now a mission and I will have my revenge.

Yeah? What are you going to do?

I'm gonna keep putting in stuff and plunging, and if that don't work, it's back to that Drano stuff. I hate using that shit. I hear it's bad for the environment.

I've heard that, too.

Only thing I know, man, is I ain't giving up this fight, no fuckin' way.

Good, farmboy. It's good to have something you believe fighting for.

Ah, thanks, man, I think it's just the principle -- Hey! Why did your eyes roll up when you said that? Huh?

starting over again

I'm always 
starting over again
I always have to put myself 
through some ordeal
doesn't matter
where, why or when
I'm always 
reinventing the wheel
looking for 
amazing graces
searching the whole wide world
for a friend
tripping over 
my own shoelaces 
I'm always 
starting over again

On the compassionate side

Today has been a day of learning, man. Learning from listening to interviews.

Oh yeah, farmboy? I love a good interview.

I know. Ain't it weird? I love listening to interesting, intelligent conversation.  I heard this songwriter, Mary Gauthier. She's got quite a story…or stories, rather. She's had a life that's been really fuckin' hard and has come out on the compassionate side.

That's really a wonderful side to come out on.

Yeah, you know? So many people, they get beat down so then their solution seems to be beating other people down.

Not only people, but animals, oceans, air…

Yeah,it's fuckin' amazing how fuckin' selfish people can be, how fuckin' greedy they can be. I can't figure it out, man.

I can't either. Be thankful.

I am. I hope I can stay that way. Wish me luck. 'Cause I ain't always gonna be down.

the day I leave

I've been looking at road maps
I've been making my plans
I've been saving my money
chump change in a coffee can
packing up this apartment
one box at a time
listening in case I hear 
a voice that isn't mine
where there's wide open country
and time to breathe
I'm getting ready
for the day I leave

reflection

don't judge me for my searching
don't be so quick to analyze
I'm just looking for my reflection
in your eyes

true question

if I ask you
a true question
if you 
tell me lies
do you think
I'd believe them
answer only
with your eyes

not guilty

I didn't do nothing
I need to be ashamed of
I only tried to do right
And I didn't kill no one
I have to take the blame for
I wasn't even there that night

          I swear by God to you
          and by every blessed thing I do
          each word I say is true
          I'm not guilty
          I'm not guilty

judgement (a country song)

let me pass judgement
it's what I do best
me and my opinions
are simply better than the rest
when I'm on my death bed
this will be my last request
let me pass judgement
it's what I do best

I once knew a man 2

and this man I knew
he stayed indoors
didn't drive to a job
never walked to the store
his life was something
he tried to ignore
until the day he died

I once knew a man

I once knew a man
who was so afraid
he was so afraid
he couldn't make the grade
so he sat at home
and there he stayed
until the day
he died

There are no bad Quintin Tarantino movies

It's the first day of summer break, moth-a-fuck-errrr!

Are you drunk, farmboy?

Of course not. Why do you ask?

Because you sound like a reject from a bad Quintin Tarantino movie.

Excuse me. There are no bad Quintin Tarantino movies. But I haven't seen all of them. Unfortunately.

So my goal on this day is to do nothing.

And how's that going for you?

Okay. I just fucked it up by exercising and playing guitar. I went outside and played guitar, man. This day is so fuckin' beautiful, I thought I should be out among the other human beings out there.

Good choice, farmboy. What are you going to do tonight?

Probably a whole lot of nothing. If I get ambitious, I may watch something off of Netflix. I'll see if I have to go to such drastic measures.

(dryly) Oh, that would be horrible.

You're telling me, dude.

easy thinking

save me from my imagination
easy thinking is not what I do
no, I think and think and think
till I can't think anymore
and still I can't think anything through
and I turn anything you say against me
that something that I do best
every action is a final exam
where I will never pass the test

An overdramatic little cliché

Tomorrow is the day, man. 

What day is that, farmboy? Tuesday?

No, you…wait, I guess it would be Tuesday…

Darn right it is.

Well, then, my day is the day. It's the fuckin' last day of school!

It's going to be a good summer, farmboy.

Huh? What do you mean? What do you know?

You'll find out…

I don't know what is scarier about this, the idea that you know the future or that you're just an overdramatic little cliché.

No, all I'm saying is that you're going to have some good times.

Hey! That's pretty good to hear!

Of course, you're going to have some bad times, too.

What??

Yes, farmboy, you're going to be human.

Oh, that? Pssst. Been there, done that, 

But maybe, I guess, it's one of those things that's both over- and underrated.

voices

voices shake
like an earthquake
in the hills of California
under a hot July sun
voices calm
clothed in whispers
tugging at your shirt sleeve
when day is done
voices worry
voices scream
voices take one for the team
voices praise
voices blame
voices call your name
voices call your name

the least amount of damage

when I was a young smart-ass kid
thoughts would fill my mind
about my grand accomplishments
when I leave this world behind
my memory
would be the legacy
of a great, great man…
well, now all I want to do
is the least amount of damage
that I can

a memory of you (possible verse)

I kept the kitchen might on
in case you decided to come home
I thought maybe you left a message
on my telephone
I guess no matter how I say it
I'm only out here on my own
in a world unknown
I kept the kitchen light on
just in case you came home

What the fuck am I, man, fuckin' crazy?

So here's the stuff: I'm working on this CD and I'm being responsible and happy with it; school ends for the students tomorrow and ends for staff on Tuesday; my brother and his family are moving to Yakima, Washington, which saddens me incredibly, though I can never tell them that because I want what's best for them; and I'm fuckin' scared shitless because summer's here and I'm concerned about money. And what am I doing? Putting out a CD? What the fuck am I, man, fuckin' crazy?

You tell me, farmboy.

Maybe I just need to do my best and then see where it takes me. It sure feels strange, because I'm just hoping for good changes but I never really know what's gonna happen.

Why is that, farmboy? You know, none of us has a crystal ball. None of us can see into the future. Which doesn't mean we shouldn't plan anything…

Sometimes I don't know if we really can plan anything, you know? I mean, it's a fuckin' crazy world out there. There was a fuckin' shooting at the high school in Troutdale, man. There are shootings every-fuckin'-where, man.

Look, farmboy, why don't you just try to make it to the end of the school year and then see what's going on? I'm thinking that a lot of these emotions you're going through may have something to do with stress.

Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised. There's other stuff, too. There's been these incidents of casual racism towards African-Americans at work lately, and it enrages me. 

High school students say a lot of foolish things, farmboy.

It's not the students. It's the staff.

The staff?

Yeah. Fuck, man, it's a good thing this school year's coming to an close.

Anyway, I get what you're talking about. I'm gonna try to calm down and just sorta get through these next few days. And keep working on making the finest folk music-type songwriting recording in the history of music.

here in my sorrow

let me sit here in my sorrow
while I tell myself
I have no right 
to feel anything

needing you

the hum of a refrigerator
the passing of a car 
the echo of a foghorn
the silence of a falling star
I've got two ears
I can hear
any sound you put before me
but I am weak
I cannot speak
I only pray you don't ignore me
I will go
to any means
to seek you out
to learn your story
it's not easy
but it's true
needing you

Corn on the fuckin' cob

So this is the last week of school. Or, really, the last full week with students. Then there's a couple of end-of-the-school-year days. Anyway, the school year is almost over. And, may I say, it's about fuckin' time.

I take it that you're ready for summer, farmboy?

Well, summer is a mixed blessing, man. I mean, it's fuckin' summer, you know? Watermelons and nectarines, man, corn on the fuckin' cob, you hear what I'm saying? But then there's the issue of money, which is a major issue in the summer.

I remember. I've seen you struggle through quite a few summers. But you'll have a new CD…

Yeah, and hopefully that will help. I mean, I need that CD to help. I need to figure out ways to sell it. I need to find places to play.

And you will, farmboy.

I'm so glad to hear you say that, man. I think I may have given up on a lot of things lately.

That's why I'm here -- to remind you of who you really are.

Well, you've got your work cut out for you, man. But I'm sure glad you're here.

four in the morning

these night streets shine 
black and silver in the rain
a dog somewhere barks
at a slow-moving train
the whole town is still
except for your brain
running full-speed
at four in the morning

thinking about loneliness
thinking about sex
thinking if there's money
to cover those checks
thinking about each mistake
and all its effects
magnified
at four in the morning

thinking how there's no kids
thinking how there's no wife
hey! let's think about death
and what comes after life
what to play at the funeral?
louis armstrong
mack the knife
but there's no music
at four in the morning

get out of bed
in the dead of the night
go in the bathroom
turn on the light
you and your hashpipe
will now reunite
smokin' and tokin'
at four in the morning

but that don't help
now you're more wide awake
in times like these
drastic measures you take
drive to McD's for 
a big mac and a shake
chocolate please
at four in the morning

driving back home
it's a quarter to five
everybody's asleep
but you feels so alive
you just wish that you'd
ordered a large bag of fries
supersized!
at four in the morning

now it's time 
to go back to bed
your mind's slowing down
and now you're well-fed
you're feeling bone-tired
at last half-past dead
fast asleep
at six in the morning

the alarm clock goes off
you need advice quick
who says that you can't
teach a old dog new tricks
you pull out your cell phone
and call in sick
and you sleep 
the rest of the morning

old friend

just to hear your voice
just to see your face
makes me feel like I'm part of
the human race
and I can celebrate
'cause I don't feel isolated anymore
old friend
it's so good to see you
walking through the door

shirtless back

it feels like a miracle
this gentle wind 
upon my shirtless back
I am not meant
to take part in such joys
I am older 
I am fat
I am boring
I have no hair
but when I surrender
to the surprise of the breeze
I feel like I'm nineteen again
back when the world had promise
and I had promise, too

The best ride at the carnival

Hey, man. 

Hey, farmboy!  How did the recording go?

It went well, better than I expected. I performed well and I'm learning stuff. I actually tried communicating with my singing, and pulling back some.

You mean you're being subtle when you sing?

Trying to. Anyway, there are times when I feel totally motivated and excited about this album. Of course, there are other times when I'm just fuckin' scared. 

You're taking action, farmboy. You're taking risks.

Yeah, I suppose I am. It better fuckin' be worth it.

It is wonderful, however, that I get to feel such a…I don't know, man, just that when I get all excited and focused on this album…that feeling of creativity, ain't nothing like it, man. It's like entering another realm or something. It's thrilling, you know? It's the best ride at the carnival, man.

I can't wait to hear this CD.

Neither can I. You'll be the first to hear it, man.

Doing the heavy lifting

Tomorrow I go into the studio, man. Wish me luck.

Well, good luck, farmboy. Are you looking forward to it?

It'll be interesting, I can tell you that.

Why will it be interesting?

What I've basically been in the process of doing is trying to make music that feels natural, that sounds intimate, and I'm grabbing the reins of this runaway horse. I'm making it sound real natural, with the majority of songs being solo performances. There'll be a few backing musicians on some songs, but not many.

See, part of the problem, of course, is money, which is always part of the fuckin' problem. But the other part…fuck, you know, I feel that what I'm strongest at are writing these songs and arranging them for one voice and guitar. So, shit, why aren't I recording that? Plus I need to take some fuckin' chances, man. I need this to be an album that captures who I am with songs that I'm proud of…

Like your other albums?

This one's going one step further, with songs like "Snow" and "Love Exists," which are really personal. Other ones, too: "All That's Missing,""Imperfect Prayer."

Good. I'd like to see you be more personal.

Yeah, I'm hurting on this record. I mean, there are characters, like before, but I think I'm doing the heavy lifting on this one.

You know, the other problem that I have with creating a CD is that I tend to panic and react like it's a final exam that I'm cramming for.

Actually, farmboy. You do that with more than just recording. Every performance that you do…damn near everything you do, farmboy, you tend to treat like it's the final test your grade is based on.

And there's some good things about that, like I'm prepared and I know what I'm doing. That's always good. But what it mostly does is make me doubt myself and everything about me and it makes me feel like a failure even before I begin. And that's not good. I need to trust my instincts. Plus, that stress can't be good for the music.

I just don't think recording and making an album should be something I'm constantly punishing myself for. 

I don't think so either, farmboy.

So it has to stop. Now.

Jesus send me money

Jesus send me money
I'm in trouble again
you know, of all the gods
you're my favorite god
and I think of you as my friend

so fuckin' tired

I'm so fuckin' tired
I just want to lie down
but I can't
'cause there's so much work to do
I got lots of chores
that can't be ignored
and how to do them
I ain't got a clue

I'm so fuckin' tired
I want to go to bed
but I can't
'cause the sun is still shining
I'm screaming so loud
as I search every cloud
looking for my 
silver lining

          let me rest
          all I need
          is one good night's sleep
          I'll be better off in the morning 
          let me rest
          I will try
          to get a little shut-eye
          please excuse the heavy snoring

I'm so fuckin' tired
I need some slowing down
but I can't
'cause my schedule won't allow
I try and I try
and I ask myself why
but the fact is
I don't know how
I don't fuckin' know how

all these changes

all these changes
my mind does not know
how to process this data
of where the hell to go
I don't know
I don't know
don't ask me
I don't know

am I still sleeping?
just what am I allowed?
my mind's up there
somewhere in the clouds
but I don't know
I don't know
look out below
I don't know

I want all of you
to stay the same
I'm so fuckin' scared
nothing will change
man, I don't know
I don't know
give me some clue, friend
I don't know

old man sitting
on the porch
in a swing
playing guitar
like he's got a right to sing
I don't know
I don't know
don't you be jivin' me, see
I don't know
I just don't know