Like coffee

I've got the faith of a mustard seed

the Bible tells me so

and I am like a seed myself

all I want to do is grow

all i want to do is grow

and that is what I'll do

I'll see you on the other side

when I break on through

look at us, we humans

we hardly even deserve the name

we build walls between us

when inside we're all the same

So, man, this is what I'm thinking. Like maybe one verse Christianity, one verse Islam and one verse Judaism. Or maybe not. I really don't want it to be preachy, you know? Is this a fuckin' Lifetime TV movie?

I also think I might hate the chorus. But maybe there's an idea there.

So now you're doubting yourself.

No, actually, I'm thinking in this case I'm looking at options. I mean, I might as well finish it, but it's gonna take some fuckin' research. It's gonna take some fuckin' work, man.

It's a very, ah, bookish kinda project, you know? It needs to steep a little, i think, like coffee.

It's good to see you writing, farmboy.

Remember, these ain't finished songs. They're a fuckin' work of progress.

Everything wants to grow.

Good thing, huh?

This weird fuckin' phobia thing

I'm baa-ack.

Hey, farmboy! When did you get back?

Saturday night. I had chores to do yesterday. You know, washing the fuckin' clothes, grocery store, shit like that. Everyday stuff.

So how was the trip?

Stressful.

I'm sorry. How's your brother?

I think he's looking good and I can tell he hates this but knows it's-- the rehab, that is -- something to get through.

I spent the night in the hospital room with him so his wife could get a decent night's rest. I'm so glad I did; that was worth the trip. Being able to do something.

The stressful part was this weird fuckin' phobia thing, you know, like I became afraid of driving, and at time's just riding, in a car. Fuck, man, my fear of bridges, my fear of bridges, my fear of weather, my fear of heights...all of these are not good traveling companions on a road trip.

But...

But?

I'm glad I went, because I'm in a family and we love each other fiercely, even if we can't show it. Well, that, the In-and-Out Burger,and the ganja I was gifted by a friend.

Other stuff happened, but that'll have to wait till tomorrow. 'Cause I went back to work today and I'm tired.

Okay. Catch you tomorrow, farmboy.

Thanks, man.

What if what if what if

Ah, man, I'm depressed and I'm sad and I'm scared because tomorrow I go to California. What if what if what if?

I'm not sure what you mean.

Oh, I'm just going to fuckin' worry about fuckin' everything, you know? I don't think I have to even name things 'cause I just worry about everything.

In other words, it'll all be okay. Right?

It will, farmboy. It'll all be okay.

Thanks, man, I need to hear it.

So the plan is basically to rest and hang out. I'm kinda close to being packed, but I see no problems there. I hope. That is.

Feel free to call me from the road if you need to talk to somebody.

I will. Thanks, man. I got your number memorized.

Have a safe trip. Go get those memories with your niece. Have a good time, farmboy.

Will do. You have fun too, man.

It ain't worth nuthin', man

Here I am. It's officially Spring break. Friday night. And I've devoted it to resting and not doing a fuckin' thing.

How's that working out, farmboy?

It's a little difficult because I'm anxious about the trip, about money, about driving. I've become so fuckin' afraid of everything. I'm scared of heights, I'm scared of bridges, I'm apprehensive about driving. Pisses me off. And what if my niece hates it? What if my brother gets mad or something? Who'll be my role model now that my role model is gone?

Uh...say again?

It's a reference to a Paul Simon song.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's all useless worrying. It ain't worth nuthin', man. It's just stupid anxiety. Worthless, that's what it is. I gotta pay it no mind.

That's right. Just ignore it. Don't let it have any power over you or whatever you do.

It's hard.

But it's not impossible, farmboy.

Oh, I know. And I'm gonna do it anyway.

Yes you will.

Fuckin' right, man.

I can't let worry stop me

Well, I'm going to California.

That's good.

I think so.

So, I've been doing the run-around you do before going somewhere. You know, returning library books, getting things done. I don't expect any problems, which causes me to worry. But, fuck, I think it's important that we go. I can't let worry stop me.

You'll be fine, farmboy.

I just don't want to drive myself as fuckin' crazy like I always do. I feel like (laughs) this is a job that needs to be done. Not that it's a job or anything like that, it's just important.

It's good that you know that.

Yeah. I'm hoping to be more self-aware rather than self-absorbed.

You're on your way, farmboy.

I hope so. But it's hard.

How's your brother?

News has been more encouraging every day. Thank God.

He's doing real well, I think. He walked two times around the hospital today. You know, if there's

any way to be all right -- and there is -- he'll find it. He's a very smart and strong individual. I have great confidence in him.

Let's talk before you go, okay?

Oh yeah. We'll be talkin', man.

Life is good

farmboy, how's your brother?

All the news since the stroke has been encouraging. He's improving, his speech is getting better, his eyesight is getting better. This is so fuckin' scary.

I bet.

Two of my friends have died recently, one from Texas and one from New York. And the one from Texas is from New York.

I got word today that another friend, also in Texas, has decided to forgo treatment and has called hospice and...well, you know...

You can cry when you're with me, farmboy. It's okay to do that.

Thanks,, man. I appreciate it. You know, it feels good to talk about it. I haven't really talked about my feelings about it to anyone, so this feels good.

So, what I know about all this is, like a lot of people, I'm going to have to be strong. I'm not sure that this is such a great time for self-analysis. I need to be there.

Are you and your brother driving to California?

It's not completely set, but I'm betting we do, and I kinda hope we do. All we can offer is support, but...

But what, farmboy?

You know, support is a real good thing. And a lot of times, it's what is needed, you know?

I agree.

Man, I can't wait till summer, when the days are long and you can sleep with the windows open. You can hang out with your friends because you don't have to get up super early for your job. And sometimes cool breezes from the Pacific come inland and life is good, life is good.

It's going to be okay, farmboy.

I know. It's the getting there that suck. Big time.

Real life keeps interfering

You know, we've been talking about this thing of having talked 300 times...

Actually, this makes 308 times, farmboy.

Yeah...

And I'd still like to talk some more about it.

Which is great,,and I would too, but...

But what, farmboy?

Real life keeps interfering.

My older brother -- the one in California -- had a stroke yesterday.

I'm so sorry, farmboy. How is he?

He's stable. He's in the ICU at the hospital. He's in a good hospital, too, with, like, the best doctor for this kind of thing. I may be going down there with my brother here in town and his daughter. My sister-in-law going to Italy to do some family business there.

Let me know what happens, farmboy. Keep me informed, okay.

Okay.

How are you doing, farmboy?

I'm all right. I'm okay. It can get scary and it's a fuckin' drag, but I'm hanging in there. I'm just tired and I need to rest.

You do that, farmboy. Talk soon? I'll be here if you need to talk.

Thanks,man. I'm gonna take you up on that.

walking 'round the world

I'm going to pretend

I'm walking 'round the world

even though

I know

that I can't

invisible children

I am one of the invisible children

nobody sees me

I'm like a sheet of cellophane

I cause no trouble

I am only transparent

there is no reason

to know me by my name

but I am here all the same

taking up space

running in place

at the back of the line

of the human race

I am here all the same

I am one of the invisible children

I look to others

to see who I could be

I am not like the others

I always obey

I give no reason

to ever notice me

We became friends

300 conversations. Man, it's hard to believe.

I know. We have a history now.

I don't want to go back to the question of who you are. I know basically nothing about you,man. I just know that you're the interviewer guy and somehow we became friends. And I'm glad that happened.

Me too, farmboy.

I'm still curious, you know, about who you are.

I'm not surprised. But did you forget that we once agreed that you could ask one question of me every time we got together?

That's right! I fuckin' forgot! Jeez, how did that happen?

We became friends. We became comfortable with each other.

Yeah, I guess that's what happened.

wish I was

wish I was younger

wish I was thin

wish I didn't hunger

for the way things were

way back when

wish I was smarter

wish I was wise

with I had more exciting alibis

wish I had absolute

belief in myself

wish I was

someone else

wish I had money

wish I was free

wish I had a honey

to sit upon my knee

wearing fishnet stockings

drinking sweet champagne

jive-talking

never complains

wish I was drunken

wish I was high

wish I was

some other guy

wish I was

some other guy

All of the fuckin' above, man

Hard fuckin' day, man. Pisses me off, 'cause I really want to talk about how long we've been talking for. How's that for an awkward sentence?

There will be plenty of opportunity to talk about our journey, and I also want to have the conversations when your mind isn't preoccupied.

So, farmboy, what's going on?

A bad day at work, but I don't want to talk about it because it's so temporary, you know? But there is something I want to tell you. It's not a big thing, but it pertains to what we talked about yesterday.

And what's that? Isolating yourself? Friendship?

All of the fuckin' above, man.

So I went to the coffeehouse after work just to say hi, really.

Excellent, farmboy! You're reaching out.

Yeah. It was good. I'm glad I did it, and I need to do more stuff like that.

I agree.

Well, that's it.

That's it?

Yeah. Gonna make some supper, play guitar, go to bed. So I can wake up, go to the fuckin' job, and play guitar.

Have you come up with anything new, musically or lyrically?

Title for a song: Wish I Was. Maybe I'll get to show you something for it. I hope so.

I look forward to it, farmboy.

Me too. I really want to write something. You don't know. But we'll see.

You're a lousy hermit, farmboy

Are you okay, farmboy? We were supposed to talk yesterday...

Fuck, man! I completely fuckin' forgot. I'm really sorry, man.

Oh, that's all right. I just wanted to make sure you're okay.

I'm okay. I've just been tired and I been feeling, uh...separate from other people. Like I'm not connecting with other human beings...

Other human beings?

Yeah. I been...isolated. And it's my own damn fault, you know? I'm too fuckin' tired to go out on a Friday night so I haven't seen my coffeehouse/musician folks in a couple of weeks. And since that's the only friends I have, really...I mean, either I've been seeing co-workers or my brother and his wife and daughter. And they're all good people, you know, but I need...

Friends?

Friends, yeah. (turns serious) I'm a lonely guy, you know?

I know, farmboy.

Fuck, man, I need friends. Fuck, man. Pisses me off.

You're a lousy hermit, farmboy.

Don't I know it.

But, look, aren't we supposed to be discussing the 300 times we've talked?

We can do that later this week. But it sounds like you feeling troubled and I want to help any way I can. Even if the only thing I can do is listen.

Listening is way important, man. It means you're not alone if somebody's listening to you, you know?

I know. I can listen any time you need to talk.

Thanks, man. You don't know how much I appreciate it.

But go see your music friends, okay. That's important.

Well, I'm playing at the coffeehouse Friday.

That's good. Are you practicing?

I'm always practicing.

Good.

Let's talk later this week. Let's talk about the 300 times we've talked.

You've got a deal, farmboy.

Looking forward to it, man.

A life of solitary confinement

300 times? That's astounding! It seems like yesterday that we met.

Remember? I don't think you liked me at first.

I didn't know you...

And you sure didn't trust me either.

I didn't know you. I didn't trust anybody. I still don't. But I trust you.

It took a long time. Remember farmboy?

Yeah. But I don't like looking back too much. It gives me the fuckin' willies. You know what nostalgia is? It's memory with the pain removed. I don't remember where I heard or read that, but I'm not big on nostalgia.

So you're saying you don't want to take a stroll down memory lane.

No. But I would like to say that I'm glad you persisted when I was so resistant towards you. You've made my life a lot better. It's good to have a friend.

I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you.

Thank you too, farmboy. I've enjoyed it.

You're not saying goodbye, are you?

No. Not for a long long time.

Good. 'Cause I've gotten kinda used to having you around, man. It's good to have somebody who listens to you, someone who takes you seriously, you know? It feels good. It's really great to not have to feel so fuckin' lonely all the time, so fuckin' isolated. I feel sometimes like at some point I was sentenced to a life of solitary confinement.

And you don't feel that around me, farmboy?

No. I feel as if you really want to understand me.

I do.

And I feel like you don't mind listening to me.

I like listening to you, farmboy.

I'm so glad, man. Thanks.

I like listening to you, too. I'd like you to talk more...

I will. But my primary purpose is to listen to you.

I know. I'm still not used to it.

It's a process, farmboy.

You sure you ain't a fuckin' shrink?

I'm not. I'm your friend.

Don't make me start crying, man. I'm serious. I don't take friends like you for granted.

Neither do I.

Ah, man...

Talk with you tomorrow?

I'll be there.

I don't want to take a fuckin' breath

Hey farmboy, I got some news for you...

It better be fuckin' good news, man, because today was so fuckin' frustrating that,, I swear, I just wanted to come home and cry.

Wait...What's up, farmboy? What happened? I haven't seen you this upset in a long time.

I know, man. My life had evened out a lot and...I don't know, maybe I'm holding things inside too much. I mean, it's just been a frustrating day, you know, not a day with absolute horrible miserable stuff. Just...ahh, forget it.

No. Tell me. Talk to me.

It's all just little stuff, stuff at work, the old money problems again, the country -- fuck, the world is in such a fuckin' mess and it's just getting worse and worse and everything is fuckin' hopeless, man. The economy, all these selfish fuckin' rich people...What is it with them? How much fuckin' money do they need? They fuck over the elderly, the sick, the poor, the disadvantaged, people with disabilities, all for their fuckin' profits...

Take a breath, farmboy.

I DON'T WANT TO TAKE A FUCKIN' BREATH! (starts to cry) Everything is bad, and it's not letting up. All the time, every day, I see things that are upsetting and I say to myself "Don't think about it." And it's getting to the point where I can't think of anything.

Oh, man...

It's okay, farmboy. It'll be okay.

I'm sorry, man, I'm so fuckin' sorry. I'm always whining about something.

Stop apologizing, farmboy. I'm here to listen.

(wipes eyes with kleenex) What was the news, man?

Today is our 300th time that we've talked.

Seriously?

Seriously.

No shit.

No shit, farmboy. I would like to talk about it in more detail. How about I come by again this weekend.

Oh, man, I'd like that. We could celebrate.

And we will. This weekend, farmboy?

You got it, man.

Expert prognosis

My fuckin' mind, man, it's a sick old mind. My thinking is so fragmented that I don't know what to do. Pisses me off.

What do you mean by fragmented, farmboy?

It goes off in a bunch of different directions all the time. Half of them usually involve guilt that says to me "You should be doing all this better."

So, like, anyway, it's like I can't focus on anything completely, and I don't like that. I kinda just want to relax, you know? I've been working all day, I'm fuckin' tired.

So, man, what do you think? What's your expert prognosis?

Just ignore it, do something entertaining to relax your mind, and then go to sleep listening to some music that you enjoy that will put you at ease. That's what I think you should do. How's that, farmboy?

Sounds good to me. Maybe talk at you tomorrow,man?

See you then.

Later, pal.

Just like the fuckin' Boy Scouts

What are you up to, farmboy?

Well, I'm glad you asked. I just may have discovered the secret to...to the universe or something. Anyway, it's important. It's all in one word.

Plastics?

Plastics? What are you fuckin' talking about?

The Graduate.

Oh, I see. A movie reference, eh?

So don't keep me in suspense, farmboy. What's the secret?

I can't tell you.

Why?

It's a secret. (leans back, laughing)

No, seriously, I think the secret of things maybe be planning. I mean, also being prepared and shit. Just like the fuckin' Boy Scouts. But planning -- actual thinking out what you're gonna do and how you're going to do it -- that's something that feels right to me. I need to plan, man.

And so you will, farmboy.

And so I will.