I would own my time

in my perfect world

I would have time and money

just enough

to not have to be

in a constant state of worry

I would work

at my real job

I would own my time

instead of running

being afraid

pretending I'm grateful

for the crumbs

(leftovers if I'm lucky)

I would sleep

in a bed of calmness

I would sleep

until the new morning comes

Music and my place in it

Man, I can't fuckin' wait till the winter break. The five-day weekend just got me going, man. This new job is so fuckin' challenging...I can hardly wait till the day when it's all automatic. I miss the school where I used to work.

Okay, enough of that. Back to music.

That's right, farmboy. But you can always talk about your job if you want to.

Oh, I don't want to. To me, this is all about the music. Maybe someday I'll talk about other stuff, but right now it needs to be about music and my place in it. I don't understand why, but right now it's a need I have. I need every bit of encouragement I can get because right now I'm at an important time in my life.

Meaning...?

Meaning that I can still make a life as a performing songwriter. I have the songs. I know that as a fact. I need to learn how to be a good performer...

You are a good performer, farmboy. I've heard you.

Thanks. But I'm still too unsure, I still suffer from this stupid worthless fuckin' lack of self-confidence. I mean, it's astounding to me how neurotic I am in that regard. It's fuckin' awful.

Something else to work on.

I've always worked on it. There's never been a time when I haven't had to work on it. Fuck.

But let's not talk about that stuff either, Let's focus on making the best album I can possibly make. Right now, that's what's important.

You're looking for focus?

Oh, I've got focus. Now I just gotta use it.

in shadows

sitting in shadows

I like to think in darkness

it's a quirk of mine

I like to just think

sometimes I feel satisfied

thinking by myself

with nobody there

except the wind and the moon

to listen to me

Burned by the future

Hey, farmboy, how's it going?

Going okay, I guess my beautiful five-day weekend is almost over.

What do you mean? It's only Saturday night.

I know. I'm anticipating, what I don't know...anticipating. I do that a lot.

Yes, you do. But at least you're aware of it, and that it may not be the wisest of things to do.

Oh, trust me, I know how stupid it is. I still do it. Pisses me off. I don't know what purpose it fills.

Think about it.

(farmboy thinks for a few minutes)

It may be that I don't want the future to sneak up on me. Or something like that. I've been burned by the future before, and I ain't gonna let it fuckin' hurt me again.

So you can't, or don't...or won't...enjoy the present because you don't want to be hurt by the future?

Yeah. Something like that, I mean. I'm sure it serves some kind of fuckin' purpose but I'm not sure what it is yet.

Do you need to know?

I think it would help, yeah. I think it would be good, man.

But you're right, I'll admit that.

Right about what, farmboy?

That I don't enjoy the present because I'm afraid of the future, or something. That's a little closer. Now I just got to figure out what I'm afraid of, and then...then we'll take it from there.

I ain't never fuckin' satisfied

Fuck, man. I played tonight at the coffeehouse and I forgot the words to a song. Fuckin' memory, man, I don't know. All I know is that it's over with now, and there's no use to dwell on it.

That's right, farmboy, and it's seriously true. You can dwell on matters sometimes.

Yeah, my dad used to tell me I would dwell on things too much. And I did. And I would fight for my right to dwell on things.

I miss my dad.

I know, farmboy. He would have been proud of you.

Those were his last words to me. He said "I'm proud of you."

That's wonderful.

I always wished I could have asked him "Why?" I mean, like tell me specifics, you know. (laughs)

I ain't never fuckin' satisfied.

That's a Steve Earle song, by the way. "I Ain't Never Satisfied." I like me some Steve Earle. I wish I knew him. Him and Jimmie Dale Gilmore.

Why isn't what your father said enough, farmboy?

Oh, it is enough. And I'm very thankful for it.

Speaking of thankful, how was your Thanksgiving?

Good. Quiet. It was just me and my brother and his wife and daughter. Dinner was great. My sister-in-law's a great cook. The turkey was cooked absolutely perfectly. I spent the night. It was very nice, yeah. How was your Thanksgiving, man?

Much like yours. Very low-key, which is exactly how I like it.

I like Thanksgiving. It's good to have a day to be thankful.

Gonna be so worth it

So yesterday while I was busy doing nothing at my fuckin' job I worked a bunch on the CD. It's good to see everything written out, you know. Anyway, what I learned was that if I were to do it as bare bone as necessary while still having some semblance of quality it would still turn out really good. Which is great to know, 'cause money, you know...

I know, farmboy. $3000 really isn't a lot to spend on a recording.

Yeah, but it's enough and I'm thankful for every cent I got in the Kickstarter campaign, believe me. I think it's gonna be good. I'm getting more of a handle on it, man.

Glad to hear it, farmboy. Let me ask you, are the new songs going to be on the CD? I have all these question, if you don't mind.

So far, yes, the new songs are gonna be on the CD. But it's early.

What else did you want to ask?

Is there a title for the album? What do you hear as far as instrumentation? What's been your biggest frustration so far?

So far the title is Use Your Words. But that could change, There's also going to be a companion CD for folks who donated money called You vs. Goliath.

Instrumentation? Basic tracks will be me solo, or with bass, or with percussion and bass. Then solos and flavoring will be played on slide guitar, pedal steel, harmonica, and violin. There will be female harmony on some songs, and a couple may or may not be on piano. We'll see. There will be piano on one song for sure, "Imperfect Prayer."

Oh, good. I like that song a great deal.

I think that song will close out the album.

I really believe in this album, man. It's gonna be a lot of work but it's gonna be so worth it.

Thanks for talking about it, farmboy.

Thank you, man, for giving me an ear to bounce ideas off of. You're more help than you know. It's good just to talk about this stuff, and it's sure a lot better than talking about depression or mental illness or money problems all the time.

Plus it's just a lot of fun. You know?

Five days off!

Finally! A 12-hour day yesterday, and 10 hour day today. And now five days off!

That's great, farmboy. How was the job?

Fuckin' boring as fuckin' hell, man. There just wasn't anything to do. Can you imagine? 12 hours of trying to look busy.

Sounds horrible.

It was. I did get to work on the CD, you know, instrumentation and budget. And I wrote a song, or, rather, the lyrics for a song. I'll show it to you. I'm not sure what I think yet.

Anyways, look, man, I'm super tired. Let's talk tomorrow, okay?

Sounds good to me, farmboy.

Tomorrow it is.

still asking

what if it's nothing

that happens in my lifetime

that matters to me

there I was, a child

asking too many questions

from the wrong people

and punishment came

in never getting answers

none that satisfy

I am still asking

I am still being punished

I still know nothing

Thanksgiving weekend

Not much to report today. I went shopping and spent too much money.

What did you buy, farmboy? Anything fun?

I bought groceries, and it's fun to buy groceries if I have the money. I hadn't really bought real groceries for a while, so I spent a bunch of money. I bought fruit, salsa, stuff for Thanksgiving, you know -- cranberries, canned pumpkin, walnuts. Thanksgiving's on Thursday and then I perform at the coffeehouse Friday, which I haven't done for a long time. It's gonna be a good Thanksgiving weekend.

Good for you. You're good at performing and I know you enjoy it if you get to relax enough.

I do. On the rare occasion that my fuckin' nerves don't take control, I totally love performing. Especially if the fuckin carpel-tunnel shit isn't taking hold. I think nerves add to the carpel-tunnel, you know?

So I perform Friday, which is good 'cause I ain't going to work that day. I'll be rested up and practised and ready to go.

And Thanksgiving's on Thursday...

Yeah. What are you doing, man? You're invited to join me and my brother and his family if you want.

Thanks, farmboy, but I'll be spending it with my family. But hopefully we can talk on that day.

You got it, man.

So you're spending Thanksgiving at your brother's.

It'll be fun. My niece and I are going to make pumpkin pudding, which is just canned pumpkin mixed with vanilla pudding. That's what the two of us do for Thanksgiving. She's five years old and it's fun for both of us I think.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. I'm working late on Monday and Tuesday so I can take off Wednesday. It will be really nice to have five days off. Thanksgiving's gonna be real laid back, you know. Which I like.

Sounds great, farmboy.

Yeah, it does, doesn't it?

I won

Friday! Man, I tell you, other than the paycheck I think the best thing about working for a living is the concept of Friday. I got me some take-out Chinese food and marijuana. It's Friday!

What are you going to do this weekend, farmboy?

It's my sister-in-law's birthday Sunday so we're going to do something like go out to breakfast. I'll do some chores and, of course, I'll play music and work on the CD. What I'm thankful for is that I don't have to fuckin' work. I love it when I don't have to work, 'cause then I can do my real job of working on music.

I bet that feels good.

Oh, man, that's the best -- doing what your real work is. For me it's creating music. I lucked out, huh?

You're good at music, farmboy. Don't sell yourself short.

I hope I'm good. I grew up with the idea that music was not something I could do, that it was for other people. I have these sad stories growing up with people informing me that I have no right or ability to make music.

Why would they do that?

Beats me. All I know is that I'm making an album and they're not.

In other words, I won.

Victory is good, farmboy.

Victory is the best when it involves making music...

...Doing what you're supposed to be doing.

Exactly, man.

You remind me

Damn, man, I'm so fuckin' tired and there's so much to do. I'm a broken record, man -- I just complain and complain over and over about the same thing. Work, tired, sleep repeat.

And you're making an album.

And I'm making an album. That's the difference, you know that? And I'm still working, you know, I'm practising, I'm planning. I'm thinking, man.

Where are you at with the CD now, farmboy?

I'm at the same point, which is not a bad place. I'm working on getting ready to record the demos, I'm playing the songs and still getting acquainted with the newer songs. I've also been doing some writing, but not enough. I'm pretty satisfied, though.

You know, man, I talk talking with you 'cause you remind me about who I really am. Like tonight I was all tired and shit but you got me thinking about the album and life seems a lot better. Thanks, man.

You're welcome. And thank you. That's really nice to hear.

Damn, you know, life throws so much fuckin' bullshit at you it's easy to forget what your real priorities are. Like for me, it's music, it's making this CD. That's what everything else is for.

scout's honor

connect me with you

prove to me that I'm human

I won't be afraid

I will try my best

put my hand upon my chest

I won't be afraid

scout's honor

I will be your lover

like no other

scout's honor

I will be the one

with you undercover

scout's honor

I am seriously blessed

So remember the beginning of a song I showed you yesterday?

"Hobo Jungle." I liked that. I want to see where it will go.

Man, I tell you, what a tough song. I have no clear idea of where I want to go with this. I mean, I'm just fuckin' clueless, man. I don't know if I have anything to say.

Just keep going back to it, farmboy. But don't force it.

I know what you mean about forcing it. That's the hard part -- working on it without forcing it, or giving it a forced ending. Anyhow, that's where that's at. It's all a fuckin' learning experience, you know. It's such a weird process. this songwriting stuff.

It's interesting to see you going through the process. I had no idea how complicated songwriting is.

I think any creative outlet is. Other things too. I'm sure the process baseball players have to go through is fascinating, you know.

Anyway, that's what I do. I get to be a creative person in this life. I get to be an artist. I am seriously blessed. But it's still hard work.

But it's work you like.

It's work I have to do. It's like it's in my DNA or something.

hobo jungle, part one

down by the edge of town

where the water runs down

down where the weeds grow high

north of the county line

there's a place I've never seen

but I hear it's pretty mean

and they call it hobo jungle

back when I was a kid

I remember my mama said

son if you don't start walking straight

boy it will be your fate

you'll wind up like those men

whose dreams come to an end

down in hobo jungle

so I studied hard and played the game

obedience was my middle name

and I did what I was told

till my head was gonna explode

to be continued...


(last verse 7/9/2012)


but every now and then
those thoughts come back again
and I dream of hobo jungle

Which is a luxury

Man oh man, I tell you, this is day one of a three-day weekend, and I've done nothing, man. All I've done all day is smoke weed and hashish, sleep, work on the CD, practice songs for the CD, and listen to podcasts. And, okay, I masturbated, I looked at nekkid women on the internet. I bought take-out Thai food...

Mmmm. What did you get, farmboy?

I got Pad See Eu with beef, medium heat.

Sounds like a good day to me. How does it feel to you?

A little claustrophobic, because it's been dark and cold and I know it's rained some. Yesterday was sunny, and a friend of mine said "This will be the last sunny day for a while," and I'm thinking that maybe he's right. It's sad sometimes, this fuckin' Pacific Northwest. One of these days, man, I'm gonna move back to good ol' Austin, Texas where barbecue is both a style of cooking and a religion.

But it's been restful, it's been good. Working on the CD was good. Practicing was really good, it was fun.

So how's your day been? You got me used to just talking about me, which I don't like. Sorry.

No need to be sorry. That's why I'm here, to hear about your life.

By the way, it's been a good day. It's been restful for me as well. Sometimes a little too restful.

I know what you mean, man. Parts of my day actually were, like, boring. Which is a luxury, I know. Having that kind of time, I mean.

Hey, I'm gonna have some Pad See Eu. Want some?

I just ate, farmboy, but thanks anyway.

It's good stuff, man. Medium spice, not too hot.

out of poetry

I have only words

I am out of poetry

in my native tongue

I cannot escape

or run and hide, disappear

into horizons

I stand before you

guilty -- guilty as charged, sir

I await judgement

The whole tiredness thing

So I don't have a whole lot to talk about. With the new job placement I'm tired all the fuckin' time. Physically tired. I mean, I come home and I'm sore and fuckin' exhausted, man. So I'm up for a little bit, then I end up sleeping for a couple three hours or so then I'm up. I don't play guitar as much as I'd like -- I mean, I play guitar and I enjoy it, but it's the whole tiredness thing again.

You've got a three-day weekend coming up, right, farmboy?

Yeah, and an inservice Thursday so tomorrow's the last day with students for the week. Veteran's Day.

Listen, man, would it be okay if we talk tomorrow instead?

Of course. Go get some rest, farmboy.

Thanks. Good night, man.

In the name of self-discovery

farmboy, that last piece you wrote...that intrigues me. Where will you be going with it?

I honestly don't know, man. I'm really pleased that you like it, though.

I think I will follow through on writing it, you know, see it to completion. Just in the name of self-discovery, you know? I guess all writing should be like that, in a way. I don't know, man. I'm fuckin' stoned.

(laughs) I knew it! You always think self-discovery when you're stoned. Or at least that's what I hear. Just add a little silliness...

(laughs) You talk as if that's a bad thing.

I don't mean it that way, farmboy. Let me ask you: Is one of the reasons you smoke marijuana its ability to help you dream and take yourself seriously?

Yeah. There's all sorts of reasons and many of them are downright positive, believe it or not.

I believe it.

Marijuana is worth it just for the musical benefits, I think. There's a reason all those jazz musicians back in the day smoked it. Louis Armstrong smoked weed, you know?

And speaking of Louis Armstrong, I realized the other day that I can recognize him by his playing, his instrumental ability. That makes me happy.

It should. Louis Armstrong is quite a reason to be happy.

You got that right, man.

not autobiographical

This is not autobiographical. This is fiction.

I grew up in a childhood

I cannot forgive

looking out the window

to see how real children live

Myself, I don't want perfect

How are you, man? How's my favorite interviewer doing today?

I'm doing good. What's going on, farmboy?

It's the weekend and I am so fuckin' grateful. It's been a long week, and I kinda hate talkin' about my fuckin' day job.

What do you like talking about?

You know, music. Specifically my upcoming CD.

Oh yeah, that. (both laugh) How is that going?

Solo demos first, man. Make my own little solo thing so I can compare stuff...well, not compare exactly, but...just seeing where I stand. Also for sequence, overall sound, things that will pop up.

So I gotta be rehearsing the songs so that when I record the demos I can just play 'em, you know? Because I know the songs so well. And that only comes from practice.

It's the old cliche: Practice makes perfect.

It's like a headline. Myself, I don't want perfect. I want human. And honest. But with vocals that are on pitch and good rhythm and well-written lyrics and melodies. Plus harmonies and jangling guitars.

The Byrds?

Yeah. And R.E.M.

falling, falling

he had the burden of a high potential

everyone expected excellence

he never cared about the differential

he only ever used his common sense

so there you are

prince of the high school

king of the frat boys

owner of life

ain't that your new car?

ain't that your big house

your prized possessions

your kids

your wife

don't look now

don't look down

don't take a good look around

'cause you are falling, falling

and there ain't no getting back up

it's human nature to want more, more, more

up, up, up

higher and higher

no matter how much money you have in store

is never as much as you require

so there you are

it was so much easier

when you were young

when you still held wonder

at the latest drug

and the latest girl's tongue

don't look now

don't look down

don't take a good look around

'cause you are falling, falling

and there ain't no getting back up

Interesting first draft, farmboy. But don't you think "There ain't no getting back up" is kind of, well, rash?

And judgemental and cruel; don't forget those. Ah, man, cut me some slack. It's a fuckin' first draft, you know? I'm just going for raw writing here, something I can work with.

So what I'm saying is: We'll see.

at the same damn time

I am self-conscious

and I don't know what to write

I know way too much

about myself and

not enough about myself

at the same damn time

this does not make sense

I cry, but no one's listening

to a word I say

so I might as well

write anything I want to

no one can hear me

and the only one

I need to please is myself

so pen to paper...

Nervous about everything

I am so fuckin' tired, man, and there's all this stuff I have to do all the time. Fuck this working for a living, man -- ain't enough time for the music, you know?

I know you're frustrated, farmboy.

Yeah. Anyway, there's gotta be something happening worth talking about. At least on my end. You've probably got something good, huh?

Nope. Just everyday life, which is pretty good.

Yeah, I agree. Everyday life, when it's going well, it's, like, a really underrated thing. When you're not in the midst of worrying about something. That's something I'm an expert in...

I know.

It just sucks when you have to be fuckin' nervous about everything. When you have to worry about something being imperfect. When you're always on the defensive. This is how I've always lived my life, and I'm fuckin' sick of it.

And you've been working on it, farmboy.

Yeah, that's true. That's a good note to end on.

What do you mean?

I mean I'm really tired and I'm gonna rest and go to bed. More tomorrow.

Good night, man.