I confuse the two

Man, I got this problem. I have a friend who is going through a good time, you know, productive musically, and I'm jealous or envious. I confuse the two.

What are you talking about, farmboy? You've productive musically and you've just finished the first session for your upcoming CD. You've got the love of many, many people, farmboy.

Trust me, man, I know all this stuff. It confuses me and I hate it. I hate that I'm not feeling good for my friend's success...well, I don't know. I'm glad he's going through a good period, as far as I can see. And, really, I don't know what's going on in his life, it may not be so great. So what I don't like is that I'm making it all about me when it's not about me at all.

You don't sound so bad to me. It sounds like you know what's going on and you want to change it.

I want to be able to support him, which I will do no matter how I feel. 'Cause it's the right thing, you know? And somewhere, deep down, I'm happy for him. I'm just going through some kind of insecurity or something.

You might have to just let it pass, run its distance.

Yeah. That might be what happens. I sure hate this fuckin' feeling though. I'm really uncomfortable with it.

It'll pass.

It fuckin' better.

symmetry

take off your headphones

listen to the sound inside

the beating

of your own heart

the pounding

of blood inside your veins

listen to the sound outside

a dog barks

a phone rings

a truck zooms by

with its radio playing

the same song

you were listening to

in your headphones

All that rehearsing paid off

You're back! How did it go, farmboy?

It went well, as far as I know. I'm fuckin' exhausted, man.

Details?

All that rehearsing paid off. It took up half the time I thought it would, so there's a savings. It was because there were a lot of first takes, which is because I rehearsed these songs day after fuckin' day. Which is to say, practicing works. I still need to practice these songs, although I may take some kind of break tomorrow.

I think it went well, man. I'm still in kind of a daze over it, or maybe it's just the disbelief that it's done.

How were your performances?

Boy, they seemed sorta ragged at the time, but I think they're okay. I haven't heard the recordings yet, so I'm just going by what it felt like at the time. Which is strange, 'cause your mind is concentrating so fuckin' hard on the performance, you know?

This is why I need a producer.

But it all went good, man. The engineer, who is a friend of mine, was comfortable to be around, and I like the studio. It's homey, which I like. There's, like, Native-American stuff, which I also like. The price is good.

One thing I gotta say, man, is that I'm kinda knocked out by the support of people. I posted on facebook that I was going into the studio for the first time in eight years. Nervous? Oh no, not me.

Classy.

Man, within ten minutes my post got six responses. And they just keep coming! The encouragement is just tremendous and, man, it makes me feel so good.

Glad to hear you say that, farmboy.

So it's been a good day.

Sounds like it.

I'm just feeling good that I did it, you know? And this is just the first recording session...

Fighting the good fight

So are you ready for your recording session tomorrow, farmboy?

As ready as I'll ever be, I suppose. It's probably a good time for it -- I'm getting pretty tired of rehearsing these songs. Not that I'll be finished with rehearsing. But I'll be able to have things be not so intense.

What do you have left to do?

Well, I have to write out the lyrics for three more songs and change guitar strings. And I'd like to practice before going in the studio. I'd like to be warmed up.

Man, I take this stuff pretty fuckin' seriously, don't I?

It's important to you, farmboy. You've worked hard for this.

Yeah, but recording is like fighting the good fight. I'm glad to be able to do the work involved in making a CD.

I'm a little nervous, which is okay. It's natural, I suppose, because I haven't been in a studio to record my own stuff in, say, eight years or so. I'm making this as simple as possible. Just me and a guitar, me and the engineer, you know?

I wish you the best of luck, farmboy. Have a good time.

Thanks. I'm going to.

I felt proud of myself

So today I could've been feeling bad but it ended up being okay because I worked a bunch and turned it around.

Um...Okay. farmboy, I have no idea of what you're talking about.

Sorry. I was feeling bad because I've got all this stuff I gotta do before going into the studio on Saturday. So then I worked and got a good deal of it done. And I felt good, I felt proud of myself. I didn't remain stuck.

Good for you, farmboy. I'm proud of you too.

Thanks, man.

Man, lately I've been feeling so fucking bad, thinking that I'm not good enough to put out an album. But fuck it, you know. I'm tired of all this fuckin' depressed shit that I feel way too much of the time. I'm gonna make an album, you know?

You go in the day after tomorrow, right?

Right.

Are you okay about that?

Yeah, surprisingly. I mean, I'm nervous and not as confident as I'd like to be, but I'm rehearsed and...well, I gotta record these songs because I'm getting sick of these songs. (laughs) It's time that I did this simple recording.

You're sounding good about it all. It's good to see.

Thanks, man. It's kinda good to feel, you know? Though I'm still not all the way there yet.

living in fiction

living in fiction

is something I am good at

I've had lots of practice

living in fiction

is the choice I am making

lesser of two evils

real life can be cruel

fantasy can see you through

when life gets too tough

living in fiction

I have mastered the art

I have been practicing

all my life

I'm a lonesome guy, man

Man, I need to get a life. I am so lonely. I never hardly go out anymore. I sit at home in my fuckin' mess of an apartment smoking weed and surfing the internet. I gotta have friends, I gotta play music in front of people.

I'm not going to argue with you, farmboy. I agree with you. You've been working hard on the CD and that's a pretty solitary existence.

Well, it has to be. Or at least the way that I make CDs.

But, yeah, I gotta get out in the world. I've become so anxious all the time, so fearful. I gotta get some help, man, a counselor or something.

Weren't you seeing a counselor, farmboy?

I was. I think he got scared off when the going got tough last summer. He stopped returning my calls. I don't know.

It sure helps to see somebody, though, I tell you, man. If nothing else, you get a little less lonely. Like it helps to talk to you. It helps a lot, man. I can't thank you enough.

You're welcome.

Okay, so the verdict today is that I have to see my friends like I used to. I need to start going to the coffeehouse again. And I need to look into getting some counseling. And did I mention that I'm going into the studio on Saturday?

Your life will get better, farmboy. You're working on it. You're just feeling lonely.

I'm a lonesome guy, man. And I have ambitions in music. I ain't never satisfied, man. That's an old Steve Earle song, by the way.

Everything is a song to you.

Yeah, well, that's why I live the life I live. I don't know no other way, man.

One fuckin' big-ass mistake

Ah, man, I tell you, I made one fuckin' big-ass mistake today.

It can't be that bad. What did you do, farmboy?

I listened to myself sing on my last CD and I got depressed, man. I just want to be good at what I do and I can't change the basic sound of my voice...

Hold on there, farmboy. You've got a good voice, you're a good singer...

I just don't know. It sure sounded like shit to me. and now I'm doubting some of the songs...

You are not in a good head-space, my friend. You do this. I've seen you do this before. Just left it blow over and don't take it too seriously.

I know, man. But the experience just kind of left me shaken. And I'm not a great singer. My singing is serviceable. That's one of the reasons I have to have A-plus material.

Which you do.

I'm hoping so, but after the songs go out there it's not for me to say.

The songs aren't out there yet. Look, farmboy, it's a cliche but -- all you can do is do your best and let the rest happen. And try to have a good time as you're doing it.

Yeah, you're right. It's gonna take a little bit of time. But what if I feel that way about next week's recording?

Another cliche: You'll cross that bridge when you come to it.

You've got answers to everything, don't you?

No more than you do, farmboy.

I'm just glad that you're on my side, is all.

stand, shuffle and slide

puffin' on a reefer

drinkin' all the wine

saturday

and I'm feeling fine

I know tomorrow

I'm gonna pay

but I'm gonna have

my fun today

stand, shuffle and slide

stand, shuffle and slide

stand, shuffle and slide

my way back home to you

most days I

can't be satisfied

but it ain't gonna be

like that tonight

tonight I'm moving

can't sit still

kill the night

by the light

of my own free will

stand, shuffle and slide

stand, shuffle and slide

stand, shuffle and slide

my way back home to you

listen baby

understand

I can be

any man

any man

you want me to be

that's all you have

to ask me

stand, shuffle and slide

stand, shuffle and slide

stand, shuffle and slide

my way back home to you

Tunnel vision

What have you been up to, farmboy?

Working on the CD, man. Rehearse every fuckin' day. I come home from work bone-tired and rehearse. Which is a good thing. It's good to know I have that commitment and that I care so much about something, about my fuckin' art, you know?

I go into the studio a week from Saturday so I gotta start thinking about what I want it to be like in the studio. It's real important to me that this CD is focused, that it has its own sound, that it's good. That ain't asking too much, is it?

I don't think so.

I don't think so either, man. It takes work, but I'm willing to put in that work. I'll fuckin' enjoy doing that work, man.

I know you will. When you care about your work, you do a fine job. That's one of your strengths, farmboy.

Thanks, man. I think so. If I'm truly interested, I'm there.

Plus I'm good at focus. I can have tunnel vision, if it's something I care enough about. And "enough" is a lot.

headphones on

headphones on
I am in control
I will take you
into my very soul
I will breathe you in
like oxygen
I will let you have

your way with me

can't you see

I need you

This watching movies thing

Oh man. The weekend's over. Oh, well.

What did you do this weekend, farmboy?

Not a fuckin' thing, man.

That's not true. You had to do something.

I rehearsed, I thought about the instrumentation on the CD. I worried about money. I went to see my brother and his wife and kid, my niece. I saw the movie Moneyball on DVD.

Was it good?

Yeah, well, I enjoyed it. I thought it was really well made. I loved what they did with the scenes of the games, which is that they would cut most of the sound out. Here you are, in this crowded stadium with thousands of people cheering, and all you might hear is the crack of the bat hitting the ball. It was really effective, man.

I need to do this more, this watching movies thing. It's good for me to be exposed to stories, to characters. I mean, I know I get that in music and books and podcasts and shit, but it's good to do something, uh, concentrated like watching a two-hour movie.

Aren't you on Netflix now that you have a new computer?

Yeah. See, it's like the perfect opportunity. All I need is more waste-able time. And a greater attention span.

It's --movies, I mean -- it's a resource that I don't often think about. And I think I will.

And that will come out in the writing.

Yeah, that's the purpose of fuckin' everything -- to get digested and condensed down to songs. It's true.

afraid of falling

I am afraid of falling

I hug the curves when I drive

at higher elevations

I don't trust bridges

and I don't like freeways

I almost faint

and I get dizzy

when I watch those National Geographic videos

about the guy

who climbs up Half Dome in Yosemite

without ropes

and I think it's strange

that I am so afraid of heights

when all my life

all I ever wanted to do was fly

in one way or another

Maybe it's a Zen thing

The weekend is here! The weekend is here!

Excited, are you, farmboy?

More just relieved, like I can fuckin' relax, you know? I've been looking forward to it.

How's the CD coming?

I finally go into the studio to record the demos on Saturday, February 25. I've been rehearsing, thinking about arrangements and stuff. I need to make a timeline and schedule and start contacting the musicians about availability and stuff. I hope to get some work done this weekend.

One problem that I need to address is that I'm not giving myself completely to the song, man. I mean, when I'm playing and singing my mind wanders and it's kinda like I don't give myself a chance to feel the song. I'm so focused on making a mistake that I fuck up. And that's not good, you know? It's like I have to become less self-aware. Maybe it's a Zen thing or something, I don't know.

But I have been pleased with a lot of the rehearsals, and I'm pleased at my stick-to-it-ive-ness as far as the rehearsing is concerned.

You've been working really hard rehearsing, I'll say that. The few times you've played for me lately, you sound very good. But it does seem like you're nervous at times where I don't see a reason to be nervous. I just want to say "just relax, farmboy" when that happens.

Which is exactly what I need to do, man. I need to trust myself as a musician, and I don't a good amount of the time.

Anyway, that's my current musical challenge, man. Learning to forget myself and let the song take over. Am I being too overdramatic here?

No more than usual.

(laughs) Yeah, well, fuck you, man.

I hate being overdramatic or cliched or -- especially -- pretentious. But we'll discuss that some other time, okay?

flashes of memory

all these little flashes of memory

come without my requesting

they make no sense

as far as I can see

I don't know

where they come from

all these tiny recollections

that somehow some way

add up to me

Took a short nap

Hey, man, I'm having trouble getting started today, I don't know.

farmboy, are you okay?

Oh yeah, man. Don't worry about me.

Which is exactly the kind of statement that makes one worry.

No, seriously, I'm all right. I'm just kinda slow today, for some reason. And that's okay, you know; it's the end of the day.

What did you do today?

I spent the majority of the day at my fuckin' job. The less said about that, the better.

Came home, smoked weed, practiced, listened to Sharon Van Etten on the NPR website. I like her. Her record's the kind that gets better with each listen, I can tell that.

I had a good rehearsal. That's always good when that happens.

Took a short nap. So, basically, just a day, I guess. I don't know. I played and listened to music, so the day's not a total washout, you know.

Doesn't sound so slow to me, farmboy.

It wasn't until late in the night.

When it's okay.

When it's okay.

Good night, farmboy.

Good night, man.

I didn't rehearse

So here I am on a Sunday night trying not to get depressed, just like every Sunday night of my life. I think every weekend needs to be at least a three-day weekend. Two days off just ain't fuckin' enough, you know? I mean, when are we supposed to live?

Okay, enough of that. I feel kinda bad because I didn't rehearse for the CD today. I mean, I played guitar for a little bit this morning, but I didn't play any of the songs for the CD.

So practice tomorrow. You've rehearsed every single day for the last, what? Month and a half, two months? It won't hurt to take one day off. Don't worry about it, farmboy.

Yeah, I know. But it still feels strange. I can be real disciplined in music when I want to be, when I need to be. I get kinda obsessive/compulsive about this kind of stuff. I get obsessive/compulsive about a lot of stuff, in fact.

I would just lighten up about it for tonight, farmboy. Tomorrow you'll be back on it and everything will be all right. I can appreciate that you're so committed to your CD project, and I think it'll show in the final product.

Okay, then. If you think it's all right, then it must be all right. I really don't think you'd steer me wrong.

I wouldn't.

Well, all right. But back to work tomorrow, man.

Coffee on a Saturday night

So I'm thinking about having a cup of coffee, man. Want one?

Thanks, but it'll keep me up late. It's almost 10 p.m., farmboy. Are you sure you want to drink coffee at this hour?

I shouldn't, but it's Saturday night, man, and...well, it's kind of my way of taking control, you know, being rebellious. I say no to myself all the time. So coffee on a Saturday night ain't too bad, I reckon.

It's funny, you know. So much of happiness depends on what kind of control you have over your own life and environment. I know it's fuckin' ridiculous to drink coffee at this time, especially for such a silly reason. But you know, I don't care. Because it's my choice.

(farmboy gets up to heat up water for coffee.)

I see what you mean, farmboy. It's important that we have choices and that we make choices. We're all individuals.

Yeah. This isn't that dangerous a choice. I mean, it's Saturday night and there's no work to go to tomorrow. And it's my choice. I'm gonna stay up till 2 a.m. anyway, I might as well have the coffee.

(farmboy grinds the beans and puts the ground coffee in the French press. He then pours the boiling water, stirs the coffee, and places the lid on the French press.)

That smells good, farmboy. Nothing like the smell of fresh coffee.

Especially when it feels forbidden. That's the best, man.

evening waits

evening waits

like a child on Christmas Eve

impatient and anxious

I hunger sometimes

for darkness

the world seems so much simpler

when you can't see much

when all you need

are caught in shadows

evening waits

and knows I will be there

to clear my troubled mind

So I'm gonna

Well, man, I've come to this point: I need to go into the studio. Just to record the songs with just a guitar. I've been practicing the shit out of them and it's getting to a point where...well, I just need to record them, to find out where I fuckin' stand, musically speaking.

Have you booked the studio time yet, farmboy?

Tomorrow. I just want a Saturday, like next weekend or weekend after next.

Also, I'm feeling like, I gotta get this thing started already. So I'm gonna.

Just solo, right? I mean this first time.

Yup, just me and the guitar. Maybe there'll be something we can use, maybe not, we'll see, eh? I just gotta be careful to not put unneeded pressure on myself. Recording has enough pressure in itself, you know?

I can imagine.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's time for me to move on to the next step. There is an album that needs to happen, damn it!