the sky ain't blue

the mountains can't be high enough
the flowers refuse to grow
this world's not the same old world
that I used to know 
there's no frost on the pumpkin
and the day has lost its morning dew
the sky ain't blue
without you

learning to walk

I am learning to walk
and it is not fun
because I'm afraid of falling
I prefer to stay
In bed all day
in fact, it may be my calling
but I can't give up
I won't give up
I'm gonna have to do this
please help me, Lord
to get on board
help me make it through this

It's also not true

So, with the help of a stander, I stood for the first time today since the accident.

And how did that go, farmboy?

Hard, man. Fuckin' hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm never gonna walk again, and I don't want to think that, 'cause it's dangerous to think that. It's also not true. But, fuck, man, I started fuckin' crying, man. I am so fuckin' weak.

It's okay, farmboy. You've been through a lot and you've spent a lot of energy forcing yourself to be positive. Something like this was bound to happen sooner or later.

I haven't been that positive, man. I've gotten depressed and lonely a couple times.

You've basically gone through a traumatic experience, farmboy. Stop being so hard on yourself. You can't afford it right now. Give yourself a break and move on.

Yeah. I know that's what I'm gonna have to do. I gotta move on.

Tomorrow's another day. You're finished with the first time. You never have to do that again.

Well, that's a good thing. I hope I can sleep tonight. Tomorrow's waiting.

this weekend

this weekend
I did too much drinking
but my heart kept sinking down
because of you
I didn't know what to do
so I made it through a few more rounds
I'm bruised and tender
but I remember
when my heart was a ember burning
so now we're through
but I don't have a clue
'cause my thoughts keep returning
to you

love and compassion

there are thoughts
and there are actions
and they supply
such satisfaction
when you ignore
love and compassion
and you renew your revenge
it is best 
to be a kind man
to say forgive
and never mind, man
'cause hate will rob you blind, man
and will get you in the end

buttermilk road

it's a good old world
when you're living high on the hog like us
do what you want
nobody's going to make a fuss
your life is your own business
but your neighbors are your friends
here on buttermilk road

you won't be there

when the sun is shining
I want to be alone
with the windows shut
and the curtains drawn
in this mess I call home
smoke some weed 
and drink some wine
and collapse into sleep
and if I die before I wake
I pray the Lord to keep

me away from people
who are naturally kind
'cause I'm the kind of asshole
who always speaks his mind
and my mind is angry
and my anger never leaves
but I don't want anyone
to be catching my disease

          don't tell me that you love me
         .don't tell me that you care
          'cause I know when I turn around
          you won't be there

I saw you in a parking lot
but I wouldn't let you see
the unforgiving failure 
that's become of me
you walked into the 7-11
and I wanted to follow you
but I had a hint of sanity
say it's what I should not do

          don't tell me that you love me
          don't tell me that you care
          'cause every time I turn around
          I know you won't be there

like quicksand

I don't remember it starting
it just always was
it's like I kept asking why
and it answered "just because"
I tried to lift myself up
but I kept sinking down
like quicksand

mom drove me to the doctor
I was all of seven years
the doctor asked me questions
he said "look what we got here
I think this boy is nervous"
gave me pills to turn me around
but it pulled me in 
like quicksand

          the harder I fought
          the further down I fell
          down down down
          to a place I knew too well
          I cried out for mercy
          but silence answered back
          while the enemy grew stronger
          and ready to attack

somehow I grew older
how I did I do not know
punished by emotions
that didn't know which way to go
burying me deeper, man
deeper underground
like quicksand

I won't sacrifice my soul
though sometimes I fear I might
I'm broken and I'm tired
but I can't give up the fight
most times I think it's winning, though
and I believe I'm going to drown
like I'm in quicksand
it's like quicksand

and I'm up to my neck...

I see the sunshine and I can't be part of it

I'm sad.

Why are you sad, farmboy?

I'm not exactly sure, man. It's lasted a couple days, though. I've been working so hard on keeping positive and...

You got depressed.

I got depressed. I want to go home. I want to go home and smoke weed and do my music and be able to go places where I can get a great cup of coffee. I'm busy here a lot with the therapies and exercises and playing guitar and writing songs. But I want to, like, go outside.

And you will, farmboy. You're halfway there, bud.

I know. I'm just being impatient.

I would be too. What you're going through isn't easy.

I see the sunshine and I can't be part of it. People are doing things and I can't.

Anyway, I know that this is temporary, and that, for me, I really don't have a choice. I want to walk again. I have to walk again.

So you're going to have to keep working.

Exactly. I'm gonna have to keep working. It's as simple as that, man.

I'm sorry, everyone

everybody I'm sorry
I'm sorry for all 
the stupid things I've done
I'm sorry for 
all the pain I caused you
I'm sorry for the asshole I've become
it was so much fun in the beginning
but the future refused to be predicted
I'm sorry for everything, 
but most of all
I'm sorry I became addicted

If I had to do it over, I wouldn't
I'd still be in the dorm
studying in my room
I'd read the books
I'd do the work that's given
I would not be a servant
to the needle and the spoon
I'd do my best to maybe finish college
I'd walk the straight and narrow
if there's a way
maybe I could learn to be somebody
instead of the mess I am today

          believe me, I ain't looking for excuses
          there are reasons for all that I've become
          a man's the end result of what he chooses
          and for that, I'm sorry everyone

so here you are,
gathered close around me
all of us together in one place
but for all the poison in my bloodstream
I might as well be out in outer space
I'm sorry for the worrying I caused you
I know everybody's had enough
I don't know how to ask 
for your forgiveness
for what it's worth
I'm sorry I fucked up

          believe me, 
          I never meant to hurt you
          I've been a lousy friend,
          brother and son
          it was not my intention to desert you
          but I did, and I'm sorry everyone

there's this part of me
that resents and hates you
for your honesty 
is something that I fear
but there's another part 
that wants you near me
and it's that part that's thankful
you are here
I've listened to everything you've told me
and I'm thinking maybe you are right
so I'm accepting the help 
that you have offered
I'll be leaving for some hospital tonight

          all that temptation that surrounds me
          maybe there's a chance 
          I won't succumb
          I don't know if I can shake off 
          what's around me
          and for that,
          I'm sorry, everyone
          I'm sorry, everyone

schoolyard

I am a schoolyard in the dead of winter
I am all covered up with snow  
but listen closely and I'll tell you
a thing or two I believe you ought to know
like you should see me in September
when the summer heat is coming to an end
those rugrats, they be raising up a ruckus
those rugrats, every one is my good friend
I'm in my glory when school starts up again

I am a schoolyard and I can hear them running
like they always do at this time of year
jumping, yelling, bursting with excitement
I can always tell when football season's here
now, I know they're only k through 5 and shorter
but in their hearts it's next year's super bowl
parents worry and sometimes with good reason
but they're playing with all their heart and soul
broken English and their mama's Espanol

          and I know that they're not all that innocent
          with problems I may never understand
          I would never tell them that old sad truth
          that the world's hardly ever Disneyland

I am a schoolyard and I see all kinds of students
short and tall and stocky and rail thin
this is corny but I see them as my children
learning hard to face this world that they're in
come December and temperature's a-falling
there's holidays and Christmas carols to sing
Santa Claus and pissed-off dads a-calling 
but me, I'm here just waiting for the spring
I'm here waiting for spring

I am a schoolyard in the dead of winter...

I felt kinda hurt

I know you're doing your best to remain positive, farmboy, but do you ever feel down?

Sure. Not often, though. 

What has made you feel bad?

I was sort of depressed for a couple days when I was here for, say, two weeks, and it just seemed like the same old thing every day. But, you know, I wasn't super depressed. I was in the process of getting used to being here. It wasn't anything serious. I've only had one time when I got down real bad.

When was that, farmboy?

It was this one Saturday night and I got sad because a couple of people who had been visiting often stopped coming. I didn't know what happened to them and I wondered if it was me. I remember thinking that I'd wished they would have called. I thought maybe something was wrong -- not with me, but in their lives. You know, thinking about accidents and stuff. But I didn't know what to do. 

I felt like I couldn't call them because I was afraid they might feel like I'm pressuring them to come, and I really didn't want them to feel like that. I mean, this world doesn't revolve around me and this fuckin' accident. I don't want attention for having an accident; I want attention because of the songs I write. I also don't want people visiting me out of pity or some silly sense of guilt.

So you never said anything to them?

No. And I'm glad I didn't. I've seen them both since. They're not visiting very often, but they've come. And I'm thankful for that. I know they have things happening in their lives.

It's just that I was fuckin' lonely, man. It gets lonely sometimes. And that just happens, you know, loneliness. I was kinda feeling like they forgot about me. I was trying not to get sucked into self-pity. I was confused, I felt kinda hurt.

How did you get over it, farmboy?

I fell asleep. Next morning I was fine.

You have to kind of surrender

Well, I've been in this physical rehab center for a little over a month. 

That's got to be a change from your everyday life,  farmboy. How has it been? Do you feel okay? I know that you have a...an issue with depression...

It's kinda like being in a foreign country all of a sudden. It's a fuckin' shock the first few days but then you have to kind of surrender. I mean, you make a decision, conscious or not, about how you're going to live, emotionally speaking. I accepted that my life was going to be extremely different and that I was going to have to have a positive attitude. I mean, I'm gonna go through this time anyway so I need to avoid the negative emotions as much as possible.

You know, farmboy, I'm a little surprised to hear you talking in terms of positive and negative.

As a friend of mine once said, desperate times call for drastic measures. I've been trying to be positive and I'm mostly successful, I think. I stay away from things that could make me not feel so good. I'm paying only a little attention to the election. I know what's going on generally, but I don't dwell on it, man. I feel like that could be dangerous. I can't afford to be miserable, it takes too much energy. 

And I need all the energy I can get, man. I need it because I need to work hard so I can walk again. I have to be strong.

I'm lonely

I'm lonely
everyone is everywhere
and having a good time
except for me
I'm here feeling bad
about this fuckin' life of mine
well, I'm not gonna let this happen
self-pity just ain't my style
it's just that I haven't seen happiness
in such a long, long while

I'm lonely
I sure could use a friend
I was kinda hoping it would be you
I only
need a place to lay my head
I've got a bad case of the blues
well, I'm not gonna let it drag me down
I'm gonna cross it right off my list
I ain't gonna cry or ask for reasons why
I'll pretend that the blues don't exist

          I'm living in denial
          that's my current neighborhood
          I'm living in denial
          and it sure feels good

I'm lonely
but I got my common sense
and it tells me the steps I should take
maybe I'm homely
maybe being without you
was my once-in-a-million mistake
well, I can't let this rule my life
I know I ain't that dumb
except for my stupid decision
of not admitting you were the one

I'm lonely
I'm lonely
and it looks like I was wrong
I'm lonely
I'm lonely
singing the same old same old song
I'm lonely
please help me
I know now it was you all along
hey, I'm lonely
I'm lonely
woe is me

blindsided

I was blindsided by you
and your every movement
I knew I needed some improvement
so I waddled to the gym
where I said I was craving change 
not merely good but super
"Turn me into Bradley Cooper!"
my trainer laughed and said "You're not him"

          

being Catholic

I said three our fathers
and five hail Marys
but I'm not sorry
and I sure would do it again 
you say I'm going to hell
but it felt like heaven
it was blessed joy
masquerading as sin
yeah, I feel guilty
but I don't care
if there's a hell
I've already been there
it's so damn hard
being Catholic

Missed opportunities and rejections

I'm having one of those nights, man. You know, when your whole past is missed opportunities and rejections and your future is a fuckin' mess filled with missed opportunities and rejections.

So farmboy, what are you going to do about it.

I'm gonna try to sleep, or listen to a podcast, or watch TV or something. I know this mood and it's fuckin' useless, man. So it's best if I just move on. Get a fresh start in the morning.

How much of this is because of your condition right now?

Really, not much. I'm no stranger to this shit, you know. I gotta concentrate on the songwriting and the joy I have doing it instead of whatever I hope the end result would be. That's what I need to pay attention to. And that -- the songwriting -- that's going good now. And you know, when that goes well my life is a whole lot happier, man.

I never thought (1st verse rewrite)

I never thought you'd desert me
at the time I needed you most
I never thought you'd be the one to hurt me
disappearing like yesterday's ghost
I never thought I'd ever have to doubt you
I confess that I don't know how
I never thought I couldn't live without you
baby, I'm thinking about that now

I never thought

I never thought that you'd desert me
at the time when I needed you most
I never thought you'd be the one to hurt me
by disappearing like some kind of ghost
I never thought I couldn't bear to think about you
darlin', I don't know how 
I never thought I'd have to live without you
but baby, I'm thinking 'bout that now

          I've got whiskey and wine
          to quiet my troubled mind
          every substance the street will allow
          I never thought you'd be gone
          and I'd have to move on
          but baby, I'm thinking 'bout that now

I always thought you were my only lady
and that your love was forever true
but I never thought you would betray me
and that you'd know exactly what to do

          right now the only path in sight
          are those countless sleepless nights
          remembering every broken vow
          I never thought you wouldn't stay
          I never thought you'd slip away
          but baby, I'm thinking 'bout that now

          to you, my purest love
          was one big unfunny joke
          to me, you are my dreams
          going up in smoke

I never thought that you'd leave
and I'd be left to grieve
but baby, I'm thinking 'bout that now
I never thought that you'd go
when you know I love you 
but baby, I'm thinking 'bout that now
baby, I'm thinking 'bout that now

planning my escape

I am lonely
surrounded by these four walls
if I'd only
listened to my dad and mom
I'd be seeing
winter, spring, summer and fall
instead of feeling
like there's a big ol' atom bomb
inside my heart
inside my head
waiting to explode
and leave me half past dead
I swear I'm gonna leave, man
I got what it takes
I am planning my escape

learning to be free

I couldn't care less 
about your fuckin' feelings
go on with your pathetic life
stay the hell away from me
you are now the opposite
of what I find appealing
I'm spending all my time now
learning to be free

I will not cry

I will not cry
I will not give you the satisfaction
of having tears fall from my eyes
no, my reaction
is to keep my face dry
and stay far away from you

this is where we live

the flapping of wings
the rustling of leaves
mother nature's hiding
something up her sleeves
the howling of wolves
the barking of dogs
the cry of a seagull
through the new morning fog
I was there
so were you
listening
like we never do
accepting all time has to give
this is where we live

grizzly bears growl
crickets chirp
bees buzz in flowers
and continue their work
rattlesnakes rattle
peacocks squawk
babies laugh and cry
and somehow learn how to talk
you were there
so was I
listening
in search of a lullaby
never asking how or why or if
this is where we live

          there is nothing
          we ought to fear
          close your eyes
          open your ears
          life never really
          disappears
          we are here

the crashing of waves
where the sea meets the shore
the whistling of wind
as it pushes the door
the crackling of fire
as it wipes out the dark
the beating of
your heart
your heart
we are here
you and me
listening
to some kind of symphony
as we breathe
in and out
out and in
this is where we are
underneath a million stars
this is where we live
this is where we live
this is where we live
this is where we live

Blessedly uneventful

Man, what a busy day. It started with getting dressed to go to my follow-up appointment with the surgeon and then physical and occupational therapies, and then...

Hold it, farmboy. Tell me about the appointment with the surgeon.

It was blessedly uneventful, man. There's been no hang-ups, no screw-ups. Looks like everything is pretty much on schedule, or at least that's the feeling I'm getting. In three weeks I will be starting to bend my knees. I've still got, like, nine more weeks of wearing the braces. But if I work hard enough I should be back to walking.  

That is excellent news, farmboy. I wasn't worried about any problems, but for some reason I feel relieved.

I know, right? I didn't expect any problems either. But I am so fuckin' relieved. And I like that. Relieved is a good thing, man.

Follow-up visit

So it's been three weeks since I had surgery. Tomorrow morning I go back to the hospital to see the surgeon for a follow-up visit.

Are you nervous, farmboy?

I'm trying not to think about it much. But basically, no, I'm not really nervous. Well, maybe a little bit. But it's not ruling my life. I've been working hard and making progress and that's really all I can do.

I'm glad it's in the morning so I can get it out of the way. I hate waiting sometimes, especially with stuff like this. Waiting fuckin' sucks, but sometimes it's unavoidable.

I'm sure it will go well, farmboy.

Thanks, man. That's what I'm hoping.

I do not take for granted

all the love I've received in my life
I do not take for granted
I do not take for granted
the kindness in their eyes
every friend that I have in my life
I do not take for granted
it's all better than if I planned it
I'm so grateful I'm alive

remote control

pass the remote control
I need to see
what's on TV
save the drama
for your mama
tonight I want some comedy
I need to grin
I want to smile
it's been no fun for a long, long while
I need this for my own behalf
make me laugh

kilometers of kindness

(Thanks to Lin-Manuel Miranda)

man, I don't know 
what I'm gonna do
lyin' here in rehab 
while my legs refuse to move
so I'm using my head instead
dreamin' of the outside
from a hospital bed
where I lay every day
while the hours burn away
I ain't sayin' it's okay
but what can I say?
it is what it is
and I do what I do
strengthening my muscles
while my faith pulls me through
but it's a whole lot more
than the likes of me
watching the Gilmore girls on TV
see, I got friends and family
they're my guardian angels
and they're looking out for me
someday soon I'm gonna make it out of here
and I'll see everything crystal-clear
and I'll be in my comfy bed back home
no longer living in the twilight zone
but I'll remember that I'm not alone
with the kilometers of kindness I have known
the kilometers of kindness I have known

my hospital bed 3

last night I dreamed
my hospital bed
was Aladdin's carpet
and it flew through the night
to hear honky-tonk angels
with voices of silver
saying
it's going to be all right
it's going to be all right

last night I dreamed
my hospital bed
was a front porch with friends
bearing music and wine
placing fingers on strings
and singing softly
you're going to be just fine
you're going to be just fine

last night I dreamed
my hospital bed
was a shiny and polished
'59 Chevrolet
my dad behind the wheel
and my mom beside him
saying
you're going to be okay
you're going to be okay

last night I dreamed
my hospital bed
transported me somewhere
that I never knew
and there was this feeling
(I don't know how to explain it)
saying
you're going to make it through
you're going to make it through
you're going to make it through
I'm taking care of you

this television

this television
holding the key to escape
free my worried mind

My old friend Clonazepam

This is the hardest thing, man.

What's that, farmboy?

This going to bed at night and trying to sleep. I feel every ache and pain in my body and it's all magnified. I fuckin' hate it, man. So what ends up happening is that I take my old friend Clonazepam and hope the anxiety subsides.

And does it?

Eventually. Sometimes I take these pain meds called Oxycodone that's pretty hardcore. And that helps with sleep as well as pain, but I hate that I have to be drugged in order to sleep.

But, you know, sometimes you do what you gotta do. I feel like I'm in some kind of self-help group: "One day at a time."