A stranger to myself

So I got an email from my therapist -- I mean, my ex-therapist -- and he's going to help me find a new therapist. I'm going to give him a list of names and he's gonna pick the one he thinks is best for me and then he's gonna introduce us.

You know, that's nice of him, farmboy. Brian doesn't have to do that.

I know. And this is making the transition easier. And it's weird -- the fact that he didn't desert me makes my life a lot easier.

'Cause, man, I was off the fuckin' rails. It was so fuckin' scary. (farmboy starts to cry) It was...I can't explain it, 'cause I am so far out of control it's like I'm a stranger to myself. 

It's mental illness, farmboy.

I ain't arguing, man.

Listen, I can't talk about this any more right now. It's kinda freaking me out. It's like when you read books about serial killers. (farmboy laughs).

Uh-oh. I better watch out.

Oh, you're fine, man. I'm way too unorganized to be a serial killer.

Bet that's a load off your mind, huh?

Stupid hope

Fuck, man, I've been up all night and I'm fuckin' going crazy. I feel totally out of home and out of control because I don't have my therapist anymore.

You're talking about Brian, farmboy?

Yeah. I'm so fuckin' upset. I get angry and then I start crying and I've written to him and left emails. But you know me. Nobody can be bothered to listen to me. I don't fuckin' matter. I should be used to it. Why aren't I used to it?

It's my fuckin' mind, man. It doesn't accept anything. I want to say, look: Those people at the rehab places aren't your friends. Chase is not your friend. Brian is not your friend. You will always be alone. You will never have a music career. You are destined to be ugly and stupid. Give up now and you'll be happier in the long run.

But my fuckin' mind doesn't get it! It still holds out all this stupid hope for things. I want to scream "GIVE IT UP ALREADY!" You don't get any of what you want. You are barely a fuckin' hunan being. ACCEPT IT!

But you keep hoping.

Which is so fuckin' stupid. I am so fuckin' stupid. I can't believe myself. 

And now I don't even have help to get through this. I can't even have a fuckin' shrink.

I need meds.

Too easy to ignore

nobody's gonna call you
nobody's gonna knock on your door
nobody's gonna love you
like your grandma loved you before
it's your lifelong story
you're too easy to ignore

a life like mine

the phone's not gonna ring
that letter you've been waiting for
it's not gonna come today
there is no good news
that's gonna come your way
but it's okay
go take some pills
and smoke some weed
and drink some wine
and yes indeed
escape is really all you need
when you have a life like mine
when you have a life like mine

oh klonopin

I'm living on klonopin
I'm keeping feelings 
under my skin
I'm calming down
I'm being tough
I admit when 
I've had enough
I'm swimming in
dark waters deep
oh klonopin
help me sleep
help me sleep

I'm living on klonopin
I need my thoughts 
to be gone again
weed's lots of fun
it's number one
it it just don't
get the job done
I have but one
urgent request
oh klonopin
help me rest
help me rest

          I need a new prescription
          I need a new prescription

I'm living on klonopin
right now 
it's my new best friend
I'm taking all
it has to give
because right now
it hurts to live
I have to hide
from all this hurt
oh klonopin
do your work
do your work

          I need a new prescription
          I need a new prescription
          I need a new prescription
          now

someday I will be happy again

someday I will be happy again
I don't know why or if or when
all I know is I'm working for
the day when pain can be ignored
and I have to believe 
that day is coming

someday I'll walk outside my door
and know where I am heading for
put the keys in the ignition
never asking for permission
I want to know for a fact
that day is coming

someday I won't feel crippled inside
someday the voices will subside
one day I'll be breathing free
exactly like it's s'pposed to be
and I will never question
if that day is coming

someday I will be happy again
someday I won't have to pretend
someday I won't feel that it's a sin
occupying my own skin
I need that morning to begin
and I have to believe
that day is coming

I am in fuckin' pain here

It's 1:36 on Sunday morning. Which means Saturday is technically over. Which is just as well, since Saturday was the worst day I've had in a long, long time.

What was wrong with Saturday, farmboy?

Man, I was an emotional wreck all fuckin' day and night. I'm talking crying jags all fuckin' day, man.  I'm talking fuckin' moaning. It's really fuckin' bad, man. I am in fuckin' pain here. 

I talked to my therapist today. Or, rather, my ex-therapist. I was in a fuckin' state, let me tell you. Fuck, man, I was crying, I could barely talk. I am so fuckin' broken up about this. It's like too cruel. It's like what else could go wrong? You could lose your only fuckin' lifeline, that's what could go wrong.

Man, I gotta get some kind of rest. This is what my life is these days: being tortured by my own mind while every fuckin' thing falls apart. This is all I think about.

It's mental illness, farmboy.

Tell me about it. 

I need help, man. I can't do it on my own. I don't know enough. There's got to be somebody somewhere who can help me. There's got to be.

dreamer's shoes

today's another day
full of should've-beens
sink or swim
I can't ever win
tonight's another night
and I've feeling blue
wearing my dreamer's shoes
nothing left to lose

doctor doctor

I hurt all the time
I'm sad all the time
and I don't know what to do
I take my pills
and I take my spills
but I always make it through
but this time 
is the worst time
and I beg you on my knees
doctor doctor
you gotta help me please

Too much trouble

Man, I still can't get over having to find a new therapist. 

I bet, farmboy. It must be hard to build up a rapport with somebody, like you did with Brian, only to have it come to an end prematurely.

You know, it just seems cruel. I go to this therapist and he really helps me. I trust him. And then, man, it's fuckin' over. 

Of course, it's not just the therapist...

Brian.

Excuse me?

Brian. Your therapist has a name. It's Brian.

I don't want to say his name. I know I'm probably wrong, but I feel deserted. I'm thinking maybe I wasn't a good enough client...

No, farmboy. Don't start taking the blame.

Yeah, well, maybe he doesn't like me.

Are you really thinking that? farmboy, it's all about insurance. It's financial. It's economic. It's got nothing to do with you.

(farmboy starts to cry)  Man, it just kinda seems like we didn't try nothin'. We didn't even look into getting more sessions. I mean, I could do it now -- look into it -- but maybe my therapist doesn't want me back.

Come on, farmboy...

I'm serious. Maybe I'm disappointing or something. Maybe I'm too much trouble.

All I know is I'm sad about this and everything else in my life. I'm sad all the time. I was getting help before, but now that's over.

It's just so sad and so unfair and so fuckin' cruel. Everybody is being taken away from me. Everybody is leaving me.

I don't know what I did.

not my home anymore

the screen door still squeaks
it whines like a grouchy neighbor
it seems strange now
I always thought I would stay here
and be with you
until old age
but that was a foolish
game I played
that came with an open door
this is not my home anymore

what did I do

everyone is leaving me
what did I do
what did I do
everyone is leaving me
and I'm standing here alone
I'm damaged
it's plain to see
what did I do
what did I do
everyone is leaving me
and I need to find my home

all my dreams 
have turned to dust
what did I do
what did I do
all my dreams have turned to dust
and starved the seeds I've sown
you try to get by
but you do what you must
what do I do
what do I do
my sad heart has begun to rust
and I need to find my home

my mom and dad 
have both passed on
what did I do
what did I do
the best friends
from my youth have gone
and I'm out here on my own
I'm running scared
but my legs won't work
what did I do
what did I do
every feeling that I have is hurt
and I need to find my home

life's a blank slate in front of me
what did I do
what did I do
I've cried so hard I cannot see
and I'm frozen to the bone
everyone is leaving me
what did I do
what did I do
everyone is leaving me
and I need to find my home
and I need to find my home

How I spent spring break 13: Nothing fuckin' works

So, farmboy, what about that article you're writing?

I'm still working on it...or at least I'm working on getting my thoughts down. I think doing that is important. There's lots of stuff I need to, uh, explore. 

Of course, now my life is shit and I'm putting out fires. Hey, did I tell you my insurance won't cover my therapy and so now I have to go to another person even though we're been doing great work?

Oh, farmboy, I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, I should have expected it. I wish I had known that last session was the last session. Man, I just don't fuckin' know.

Are you going to look for another therapist?

Oh, I'm sure I will because I really, really need to talk to a professional. (farmboy falls silent for a moment)  Fuck, man. Nothing fuckin' works. 

But getting back to the article: I'll keep writing it. Or taking down notes or something. 'Cause, man, I need some proof about this year. If all this shit would just stop, maybe I could get somewhere.

Has anything else happened?

My fuckin' employer has given me trouble. They made this mistake or something where I didn't have insurance for three months. I still haven't got any disability money and it's been fuckin' six months. Now, I'm to blame for part of that, but that doesn't let them off the hook.

And then there's the whole emotional thing that's been happening. Man, this is like the worst fuckin' time to change therapists. Fuck, man. 

But I gotta get this shit down, you know. I need evidence to prove that all this stuff during the last six months has really happened.

Whether it becomes an article or not is anybody's guess.

everything was fine

everything was fine
until I heard the voices
and, my friend, it was then
when my childhood came to an end
and I knew I'd never see it again
they said to me
that you don't have any choices
we got plans for you

this summer here's

this summer here's 
been the best in years
the weather has been
so pleasant
oh I take pride
in my air-conditioned ride
through the Mojave desert
look, there's a new drive-thru 
I smell barbeque!
like the McRibs at McD's
oh what a glorious life I live
in this home of the brave
and this land of the free
and I'll never get out of my car

This is not a movie on the Hallmark network

It's been a bad day, man. Completely fucked. I went to my therapist and called my insurance company and, of course, I'm fucked. Therapist is out of the fuckin' network so insurance won't pay anything. Which means no therapy with the therapist who gave me hope. 

Of course, he's out of network. Of course my insurance company won't help. What do I fuckin' expect? Something to work? Anyway, it's goodbye Brian, hello mental illness.

I'm sorry, farmboy. I wish I could do something. It's hard to see you like this.

I don't see why it would be so hard. You've had plenty of practice.

Man, this is all so useless. You know, if I didn't have to earn a living I think I'd just stay in my apartment and never leave and never meet anybody so then I wouldn't have to miss them when they're abandoning me.

farmboy, Brian's not...

Let's not use his name, okay? 

And why's that?

It just is. I don't want to hear his name right now.

Anyway, farmboy, your therapist isn't abandoning you. This is a financial matter.

Every fuckin' thing in the world is a financial matter.

farmboy...

What? Do you want me to say that everything's is going to be all right? Do you want me to pull myself up by my fuckin' bootstraps? This is not a movie on the Hallmark network. This is real life. And real life doesn't like me. Real life doesn't even know me. 

Today it's goodbye shrink. Tuesday it's goodbye physical therapist. Before that is was all those people at the intensive rehab facility at the hospital. Before that, it was all those folks at the rehab I was at for two months. You know, Chase and Forest and all those people. Not to mention my students and my family in California and everybody else in my fuckin' life. It's my pal Richard Giffin and my friend Glen and a ton of other people. And they're gone. That's it.

No friends for farmboy, no, farmboy must always be completely alone.

So, anyway, I took a clonazepam and I'm hoping it calms me down. If not, I'll just fuckin' take another one. It's only fuckin' addictive, that's all. Maybe I'll smoke weed on top of that and maybe I'll learn to enjoy the taste of alcohol.

Basically, I need to self-medicate and fast.

Take care of yourself, farmboy. Get some rest. Eat something besides pizza. Have a good night's sleep.

And why? Why should I bother.

Because I love you, farmboy, and I know there's a lot of people who love you. You're a great guy.

Do you really love me?

You're my friend, farmboy. I want the best for you. You know all those qualities you think you don't have? Like intelligence and talent...

...and love?

If you think so, yes,love. 

I'm the keeper of all these things, farmboy, and I'm saving them for you. I'm going to love you until you learn to love yourself.

Didn't I hear an actor form The Wire say that in an interview recently?

You caught me. I'm busted.

Yeah, well. Thanks for the sentiment anyway.

Saying goodbye to people stuff

My mind has calmed down a little bit. I don't trust that.

Just take it for what it is, farmboy. One day at a time. Just enjoy it.

It's just strange. I mean, I got so many fuckin' problems...

Like what?

Well, I just found out that my insurance doesn't cover the therapist I go to. I go see him tomorrow.

Brian?

Yeah, Brian. 

I'm really hoping there's some way we can figure out something. Maybe the program I'm seeing him under will allow some more sessions.

How do you feel about this possible change of plans, farmboy?

It fuckin' sucks, man. I like Brian and I think that we're doing good work and making progress.

I'm really sick of this saying goodbye to people stuff, man. Tuesday is my final session with the physical therapist. My friend Richard just died. A coworker just discovered she has breast cancer.

Fuck.

It's a rough patch you're going through, farmboy. It'll get easier, really. It's just been a rough year.

Yeah, I know, man. It'll get easier. This is no time to not have faith.

I should be on the supreme court

I should be on the supreme court
and let me tell you why
I'd have all the names and numbers
and I wouldn't bat an eye
at shaking down the suspects
and proclaiming all the blame
but "a pioneer for justice"
is a badge I never claimed

I dwell there deep inside 
your mind if not your heart
and my only purpose
is to tear your soul apart
I've been trying to destroy you
since you were just a kid
and I'm glad you can't remember
all the damage that I did

Bloom and blossom

Man, this is so fuckin' hard, this mental illness thing. Jesus. It's just...insidious. I would really like to go through a couple days without feeling so weak and needy, just so I can show myself that I don't have to be weak and needy.

Hang in there, buddy. You're doing good, farmboy, you really are. You don't know that yet, but it's true.

Thanks, man. That means a lot. 

You know, I got criticized a lot growing up and maybe that's how I treat myself, I don't know. But, man, I just fuckin' bloom and blossom when people tell me I'm doing well. It's like I'm a dog: "Who's a good farmboy? You're a good farmboy!" I fuckin' melt when people show approval and affection. I'm, like, fuckin' hungry for it.

I know, farmboy. What I've noticed is that you're hungry for it and you need it, but you won't give it to yourself.

I don't know how. 

It's so fuckin' hard right now. It's just hard to be human. It hurts. It sucks.

It's mental illness, farmboy.

And all its stigma.

It's you that has that stigma, farmboy. What anyone else thinks doesn't matter. Try getting rid of the stigma that's in your mind and see what happens.

I know. Maybe I need to think of all this as working on mental health rather than an illness. 

It's all in the wording, man.

Spoken like the brilliant songwriter you are, farmboy.

Ah, shucks, man.

give me a story

give me a story
one I can have as my own
my vain search for glory
for love
for freedom
for home
I have nothing left
in this tired old brain
except excuses
and someone to blame
and I'm looking for reasons
I'm looking for reasons

give me a story
one that will be my best friend
who would never ignore me
stick with me until the end
not one drop of blood
of human kindness
there's nothing here 
that's mine
unless
you've found some reasons
I'm looking for reasons
do you have some reasons?

ghosts inside of you

the people you love
become ghosts inside of you
you carry them around 
everywhere you go
you keep them alive
their spirits are guiding you
in ways you may never know
they'll never let you go

summer of the open door

it was no vacation
it was not much fun
isolation
I'm the only one
but I learned to deal
and I learned to score
and friend, I learned
a whole lot more
and it shook me to the core
it was the summer of the open door

Strong guy

Man, I just don't fuckin' know. I've been feeling so emotionally weak. All through this fuckin' thing, you know? It's like, for the past six months I've had to be as strong as I've ever been and I feel so weak. And I... (falls silent)

And you what, farmboy?

I never admitted to myself that I've had to be strong. Not once. Honest, man. This is the first fuckin' time.

It's true, farmboy. You're a strong guy.

Anyway, man, I don't know...All I ever do is smoke weed and think about the accident and think about rehab and think about all the people I miss and that I'll never get to be part of their lives and that isn't fair. 

None of this is fair, farmboy.

And I'm not even saying it should be fair. I'm not saying why me? I'm just tired. You know, I think about Chase and how I'll never get to be his friend...

You don't know that...

I think about that with Forest, too.

Who's Forest? 

The physical therapist I worked with. She's great, she really is. I was extremely fortunate. I had the best therapists in the world. I'm talking Marquis, Providence 4-K, Home Health, all those people. Maybe I was too lucky. Maybe my therapists were too nice.

I don't think so, farmboy...

Anyway, I'm getting all the emotional fallout now, aren't I? I keep thinking Don't be so fuckin' weak. Be a man! And then...

Hey, farmboy?

Yeah, man?

Listen for a minute. Don't talk. I need you to hear me.

Okay, Shoot.

Farmboy. Stop it. Give yourself a chance. You've been through a terrible trauma. You may need to get help -- which you have done and are doing. I've been watching you, I've been listening to you, and, farmboy...You're not doing well, son...

Son?

Listen. You're not in a good place. It's like you're ill right now.

I am ill right now. I am mentally ill. With all the fuckin' stigma that goes along with it.

farmboy, listen.

What?

Shut the fuck up.

What did you say?

(the interviewer's voice gets louder) Shut up, farmboy. Shut the fuck up. Let me talk. Listen!

(farmboy pulls back, speaks weakly)  Okay, man.

You've had a major trauma, farmboy-- probably more than one. You are not doing well. You need professional help...

Which I am getting...

Be quiet, farmboy. I mean it.

I'm...I'm sorry, man.

You need to listen to your therapist. He -- what's his name?

Brian.

Brian. He sounds like a good man, this Brian. Listen to him, farmboy. I'm not saying you have to agree 100% with everything he says, but you need to listen to him and consider what he's saying.

You've been through major physical and emotional traumas, farmboy. I'm no expert, believe me, but I know you've had some major damage done. It's not just your body that needs healing. 

But just like your legs have made so much improvement, your life can do that too. But you're not trained. Your therapist -- your psychologist -- is trained. And he believes in what he's doing, he's passionate. Give his a chance. Don't rebel automatically.

I can tell you other things,but you already know them. Try to eat well; you've been doing well at that. Same with exercise. You need to walk more, but you're doing great with physical therapy.

See people. See friends. Reach out.

You're going to get better, farmboy, I know it. You're a strong guy. You're a smart guy. I'm glad I know you.

farmboy?

Can I speak?

(the interviewer sighs, exhausted)  farmboy, I'm so sorry I yelled and cursed at you. I just got frustrated and lost control.

No,no, you're okay, man. I'm kinda glad you got my attention.

That was the purpose, I guess.

So, anyway, I'll think about everything you said. That's all I can promise right now.

You know, it's weird. I kinda want to say thank you, but I'm kinda not sure.

That's fine, farmboy. I am sorry I yelled.

That's fine.

Hey!

Yes, farmboy?

Thanks, man.

voice in your mind

that voice in your mind
the one that tells you lies
don't even listen to it
don't even listen to it

hard thinking

it's gonna be a long, long night
that coffee pot is gonna be perking
prepare yourself for one hell of a fight
'cause tonight your brain'll be working
right now it's only
a quarter to one
but you're gonna meet
the morning sun
and some hard thinking's gonna get done

phone call

hey
it's me
I didn't expect you'd be home
I hope that you're not busy
as for me, I'm all alone
and I have been since Tuesday
just my apartment and me
with a pipe in the bathroom
and a quarter ounce of weed
but it's not just marijuana 
that I need

I hope it's okay
if you've got something else to do
I can call another day
at a time that's best for you
I know you must be tired
the work day's at an end
I guess I never learned 
how to reach out for a friend
I guess I can't believe
that I have any friends

so I need someone to talk to
somebody kind
'cause the only sounds I'm hearing 
are the voices in my mind
and they're telling me that I'm
not like everybody else
man, when I get like this
I just can't stand myself
I can't understand myself

so I guess I'll let you go
thank you for your time
what's that?
no, I'm okay, man
really, I'm just fine
it's just sometimes I get this way
and I don't know what to do
and I guess I needed a friend
and somehow I called you
look, I don't know what to do

look, I'm gonna be back
to my old self again
I guess I never learned
how to reach out for a friend
I guess I never learned
how to reach out for a friend

hand of kindness

it's so hard to remember
as time soars swiftly by
sometimes just a hand of kindness
can make a grown man cry

i'm so depressed

I'm so depressed
that I can't even jerk off
I try and I try
but something's wrong
I've got no energy
that I have to work off
all that I can do
is sing this sad, sad song

my final request

when I die
I'll refuse to say goodbye
instead I'm gonna yell
I'm not leaving
when it comes time to rest
I will do my very best
to make sure that I've
gotten even

How I spent spring break 12: What I missed

What I missed most this spring while I was in the hospital and rehab:

• Grocery shopping. Walking up and down the aisles, considering trying new items at Trader Joe's, poking around the produce department (which I prefer to actually eating produce), looking at nutrition labels, all that stuff. I tell you, spend one summer with no money for groceries, your tastes change.
• Smoking weed. I did brownies a few times, and it was great. But what I would have given for the opportunity to sit outside and smoke a bowl. 
• Being outside. Feeling the wind blow. Rain. Sun. Cold. Heat. You know, all that stuff. 
• Good coffee. Which, to be honest, I did get a number of times because I would finagle someone to bring me some when they visited.
• Good Mexican food. Even though the homemade chili at the first rehab place was absolutely amazing.
• My iPod, which were in the pocket of pair of old blue jeans that I wore before the accident occurred.
• Control of many, many things. Mostly my legs and my dignity.
• Did I mention weed?

I'm gonna love you

you can try to stop me
you could move on to somebody else
you can try to stop me
but I'll be here in sickness and in health
and I'm gonna love you
until you can learn to love yourself

you can try to outrun me
but it ain't gonna do no good
plead your case to me, honey
you'll only be misunderstood
'cause I'm gonna love you
like a person who believes in you would

          you have no idea
          the strength you're made of
          until you do
          I'm giving you
          all of my love

you can try to ignore me
treat me like I'm made of dirt
but I know your life story
so ignoring me ain't gonna work
I'm gonna love you
till I can love away all of the hurt

you can try to stop me
you could move on to somebody else
you can try to stop me
but I'll be here in sickness and in health
and I'm gonna love you

until you can learn to love yourself

for Richard Giffin

if I knew how to sing the blues
tonight I'd sing them all for you
'cause now you're gone
and all we have are memories
ah, but the memories of you
are strong enough to 
last our whole lives through
oh my brother
but it's still hard to believe

last night I was thinking 
about you and me
driving up 101
we were just nineteen
in our flannel shirts
and worn out jeans
and a bottle of tequila
we didn't do
what we were told
we thought that we
would never grow old
but old we grew
me and you
we would play guitars
the whole night through

let me memorize your touch

hold me close
just a little bit longer
let me memorize your touch

I would like to consider him a friend

So I just got back. I walked two blocks all by myself and went to the rehab facility I lived in for two months. I went to see Chase, the occupational therapist who helped me out so much. I went to take him a CD and a card and to tell him thanks in person for being my friend when I was in rehab.

Isn't he still your friend, farmboy?

Yes. I asked him if it's okay to keep in touch and he said "absolutely." I hope that means we're friends. He's a great guy. I would like to consider him a friend.

Which you can do, you know. You're in charge of that.

I think he was glad to see me. He hugged me when I left, so I guess he likes me.

He likes you, farmboy. He's one of many. You have friends. You usually close yourself off from people. Chase is someone who broke through your barriers. It's a good thing, farmboy. It's good to know people, to have friends who care about you 

I hope you stay in touch with him, farmboy. 

I hope so too. 

summer was here

hose undone
sprinkler on
water falling
front yard lawn
children laughing
soaking wet
school year has not
started yet

watermelon
nectarines
working in
your farmer jeans
lemonade cool
when weather's hot
cold iced coffee
hits the spot

air-conditioned
picture show
surf songs
on the radio
mornings staying 
late in bed
big sun roasting
overhead

one day soon
it's gonna end
and it's gonna get cold
and cloudy again
but memories
don't disappear
they're living proof
that summer was here

map

draw me a map
of new zealand 
east of australia
in a big blue sea
that is where
I wish to be and
that's where my love
waits for me

draw me the mountains
of new zealand
place a big sign
that says "you are here"
guild me safely
through the thieves and demons
tell me my love
won't disappear