This is not a movie on the Hallmark network

It's been a bad day, man. Completely fucked. I went to my therapist and called my insurance company and, of course, I'm fucked. Therapist is out of the fuckin' network so insurance won't pay anything. Which means no therapy with the therapist who gave me hope. 

Of course, he's out of network. Of course my insurance company won't help. What do I fuckin' expect? Something to work? Anyway, it's goodbye Brian, hello mental illness.

I'm sorry, farmboy. I wish I could do something. It's hard to see you like this.

I don't see why it would be so hard. You've had plenty of practice.

Man, this is all so useless. You know, if I didn't have to earn a living I think I'd just stay in my apartment and never leave and never meet anybody so then I wouldn't have to miss them when they're abandoning me.

farmboy, Brian's not...

Let's not use his name, okay? 

And why's that?

It just is. I don't want to hear his name right now.

Anyway, farmboy, your therapist isn't abandoning you. This is a financial matter.

Every fuckin' thing in the world is a financial matter.

farmboy...

What? Do you want me to say that everything's is going to be all right? Do you want me to pull myself up by my fuckin' bootstraps? This is not a movie on the Hallmark network. This is real life. And real life doesn't like me. Real life doesn't even know me. 

Today it's goodbye shrink. Tuesday it's goodbye physical therapist. Before that is was all those people at the intensive rehab facility at the hospital. Before that, it was all those folks at the rehab I was at for two months. You know, Chase and Forest and all those people. Not to mention my students and my family in California and everybody else in my fuckin' life. It's my pal Richard Giffin and my friend Glen and a ton of other people. And they're gone. That's it.

No friends for farmboy, no, farmboy must always be completely alone.

So, anyway, I took a clonazepam and I'm hoping it calms me down. If not, I'll just fuckin' take another one. It's only fuckin' addictive, that's all. Maybe I'll smoke weed on top of that and maybe I'll learn to enjoy the taste of alcohol.

Basically, I need to self-medicate and fast.

Take care of yourself, farmboy. Get some rest. Eat something besides pizza. Have a good night's sleep.

And why? Why should I bother.

Because I love you, farmboy, and I know there's a lot of people who love you. You're a great guy.

Do you really love me?

You're my friend, farmboy. I want the best for you. You know all those qualities you think you don't have? Like intelligence and talent...

...and love?

If you think so, yes,love. 

I'm the keeper of all these things, farmboy, and I'm saving them for you. I'm going to love you until you learn to love yourself.

Didn't I hear an actor form The Wire say that in an interview recently?

You caught me. I'm busted.

Yeah, well. Thanks for the sentiment anyway.