Stupid hope

Fuck, man, I've been up all night and I'm fuckin' going crazy. I feel totally out of home and out of control because I don't have my therapist anymore.

You're talking about Brian, farmboy?

Yeah. I'm so fuckin' upset. I get angry and then I start crying and I've written to him and left emails. But you know me. Nobody can be bothered to listen to me. I don't fuckin' matter. I should be used to it. Why aren't I used to it?

It's my fuckin' mind, man. It doesn't accept anything. I want to say, look: Those people at the rehab places aren't your friends. Chase is not your friend. Brian is not your friend. You will always be alone. You will never have a music career. You are destined to be ugly and stupid. Give up now and you'll be happier in the long run.

But my fuckin' mind doesn't get it! It still holds out all this stupid hope for things. I want to scream "GIVE IT UP ALREADY!" You don't get any of what you want. You are barely a fuckin' hunan being. ACCEPT IT!

But you keep hoping.

Which is so fuckin' stupid. I am so fuckin' stupid. I can't believe myself. 

And now I don't even have help to get through this. I can't even have a fuckin' shrink.

I need meds.