share of the blame

nothing changes
it all remains the same
everything is ventured
nothing is gained
this life that I'm living
ain't it a shame
all I've been given
is my share of the blame

I once was a young man
I used to have dreams
each one of them died
if you know what I mean
me, I'm quite used to failure
and times are lean
I swear, I'm just trying
to be a human being

give me a reason
for singing this song
all I know is that
I don't belong
this life I been living
ain't it a shame
all I've been given
is my share of the blame

can't find you

I been breathing in and out
I been pacing back and forth
I could dance the twist and shout
go east, west, south and north
but I can't find you
no, I can't find you

I been walking every dirt road
I been driving highways, too
I done everything I knowed
about the lonely avenue
but I can't find you
no, I can't find you

          where are you hiding
          I can't tell
          I thought I knew you
          all too well
          but I've looked everywhere
          that I can see
          I think you're running
          away from me

I been drinking lots of whiskey
I been taking lots of pills
I'm gonna kill the pain inside me
but I'm searching for you still
but I can't find you
no, I can't find you

come back to me darling
come be by my side
come be my special something
that cannot be denied
but I can't find you
no, I can't find you
I can't find you
no, I can't find you

Like morphine

I'm so tired of this. Every time I talk to you I'm always complaining. And I hate to do that. But it's all so fuckin' true: Nothing ever changes. 

I just got back from my daily fuckin' walk so I can appease the fuckin' Fitbit gods. Every fuckin' day I go out and walk and when is it going to do something? What, exactly, is this meditation stuff supposed to do for me? It doesn't seem like much and I've been doing it for over two years. Practicing? Every fuckin' day I sing and play and write and I don't have anybody to hear. My life is so fucked up.

I need some fuckin' attention sometimes. I need some kind of affection sometimes. I need to not be alone so fuckin' much, but my friends have disappeared and there are no new friends to be found. It's just me, fuckin' alone all the time, getting sadder and angrier. 

So what the fuck am I gonna do? Make some changes? I've made plenty of fuckin' changes these past three years, and none of it ever matters. It's so fuckin' hard, this working all the time for nothing. Nothing. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Kill myself? Maybe that would be best. Maybe that would be better than this day-in, day-out burning sense of frustration and anger, and, yes, hatred. I have hatred just coursing through my veins right now like morphine.

Goddamn it. All I do is take medications. I have a whole array of drugs for my so-called fuckin' mental condition. I feel like I should Klonopin like it's fuckin' popcorn, that's how fuckin' badly I need it. I'm always on the fuckin' edge. I am always depressed. There's never a moment without it. It's just me, putting on a front so I don't let too much out. Gotta appear to be a normal person, especially since everybody has to tell me about all the fuckin' wonderful things that are going on in their lives. 

Musically speaking, at least I have new songs that I'm interested in playing. So that's one really good thing in my life. It's just fuckin' unfortunate that nobody will ever hear these songs. It's really unfortunate that nobody even fuckin' wants to hear them. I may as well be mute.

Well, fuck, I guess I'll go on about my day. I'm sure it's going to be full of really great surprises and adventures. Maybe I'll fuckin' see about not eating, or playing music nobody will hear, or seeing friends that I don't have. Maybe new stuff will fuck up! It wouldn't be the fuckin' first time. Every fuckin' day has its inevitable fuck-ups. I just have a whole lot more than most people I run into.

Fuck this shit. Give me a fuckin' gun with a shitload of bullets. That'll stop the fuckin' pain of this living. It doesn't matter. Nobody cares anyway.

pay attention to me

if one more bad thing happens
I'm gonna shoot myself
I'm tired of vainly asking
if anyone can help
'cause there ain't no hope possible
as far as I can see
welcome to my world
pay attention to me

in slow motion

you have no idea what it's like
watching you die in slow motion
as you take your pills
and drink your whiskey every night
it's like we're in the middle
of the great Pacific Ocean
and you're drifting off to nowhere
and you're moving out of sight

I was just born wrong

And the fun fuckin' continues. It's another day and already things have fucked up and I can't get myself over it. Jesus, does it ever fuckin' stop? This bad luck, I mean. I don't know what else to call it. Why the fuck can't something go right once in a fuckin' while?

I know it's hard, farmboy. Things will get better, really. I hate to tell you things like "Have faith," but, really, I don't know what else to say. I know it's been very hard for a very long time.

And there's no indication that it's ever gonna end. Fuck it. I'm just gonna fuckin' eat all the over processed food I want, I'm gonna stop walking, I'm gonna stop practicing. I mean, I may as well. Nothing fuckin' changes. Ever. There's never a pathway that has hope. It's just the same old bullshit day after fuckin' day. When will it end?

It will, farmboy, it will. I promise.

I don't see it. I don't see anything good ever happening to me. It's just fuck-up after fuck-up, as far as my life goes. 

What am I going to fuckin' do? How can I live like this? I'm in a fuckin' alternate universe where nothing positive can ever happen. 

I know I'm sounding the same every day now. That how seldom positive things happen. I'm serious; I don't know how much longer I can go on living like this. I take my medications, I do all the right stuff. I practice meditation and gratitude. But, man, I just don't have a clue. I was just born wrong.

I don't have anything to tell you, farmboy.

I know, man. Thanks for listening. You're very kind and very patient. I just wish this would all work out, but it's not. It's just another day in the life of a goddamn circus freak.

I hate my fuckin' life

You know, I hate that I'm always complaining to you about something. I just would like my life to be better. I am working at stuff. I try to eat correctly, I exercise, I practice music, I write, I meditate. But the frustration, man...It feels like I'm always putting in work with no payoff. It's like if you work really hard at your job then you don't get a paycheck or benefits or anything.

I hate my fuckin' life.

I know it's frustrating, farmboy, and I'm sorry. I know you've been working a long time with not enough reward.

So what can I fuckin' do about it?

I don't know. Maybe give yourself rewards after working? 

Well, it shouldn't be food. I'm not sure it should be weed, even. My tolerance is so fuckin' high, man, I know I need to give it a rest but there just ain't anything else to look forward to. It's just all work, and frustration, and loneliness, and worrying about stuff. My life is no fun, it's just something to get through. And I know it doesn't have to be like that. But what can I do? Nothing I do works. I have all these new songs and no audience. My body won't respond to exercise and healthy eating. Everything is fuckin' wrong, man.

But you're working at it. You've got to have faith, farmboy.

It's running out. I'm fuckin' desperate here. Nothing is working. I'm drowning in a quicksand of depression and anxiety.

I don't know what to tell you, farmboy. I wish I did. I know it's hard. You've been doing this for a long, long time. There will be progress, I promise.

You don't have to promise. I just don't know, man. I don't know how much longer I can do all this stuff without any payoff. I'm not that strong. I'm a fuckin' human being and I need change. I can't fuckin' stand this anymore.

bother you again

it's half past midnight
and the long day is over
and nothing has happened
like the day before
I'd rather be drunk
yet I'm stone cold sober
no matter what I have
I always want more

          I know life is for forgiving
          I know life is family and friends
          give me a reason for living
          and I won't bother you again

all of my dreams
have burned down to smoke and ashes
I try and I try
but it just ain't no good
I'm generally all right
except for all these rough patches
that exist like landmines
all around my neighborhood

          my heart is so cold I'm shivering
          my hope has come to an end
          give me a reason for living
          and I won't bother you again

everybody's so fucking happy on Facebook

everybody's so fucking happy on Facebook
it just makes me shit my pants
'cause I could happy like on Facebook
if only I had the chance
if life went my way
I'd post there today
with my triumphs and my lifestyle plans
everybody's so fucking happy on Facebook
while I'm just the slob I am

people I used to know (rewrite 3)

I don't like photographs
from the past
I find them in drawers 
filled with odds and ends
there they are again
places I've been to
and strangers who once were friends
I don't know where they go
I miss them so
the people I used to know

I wonder where they've gone
folks move on
disappearing
but not from memory
I can't believe the way that time
has taken them away from me
so much I didn't know
where did they go
the people I used to know

          do you remember me?
          I was someone you cared about
          do you remember me
          I'm the man you chose to live without

I don't trust memories
they betray me
they want me to believe
what isn't true
they always do
they don't speak of the lies
that I heard from you
you chose to let me go
you told me so
and now that we're through
what can I do?
you turned into
one of the people who
I used to know
the people I used to know

Heaven's gate

I will not be stuck in yesterday
memories are not my friend
I try to look the other way
where loneliness comes to an end
I know there's a place for me
that only my two eyes can see
I know that I'll be finally free
when I enter Heaven's gate

good news

when the phone rings 
in the middle of the night
and your heart leaps
like a panther on the strike
and you pick up the receiver
saying "hold on tight"
I hope it's good news

when that envelope comes
from the IRS
and you know that they're thinking
your life is a mess
when you think they want you to confess
I hope it's good news

          when you think that it's all wrong
          including the kitchen sink
          I'm hoping that what happens
          is opposite of what you think

when your mind wanders
to worry and doubt
and all your inspiration
is lost in a drought
I hope all the best
is what it's about
I hope it's good news
I hope it's good news

lying to me

the sky is blue and the grass is green
and it's the nicest morning I've ever seen
it's a good time to be a human being
but it feels like it's lying to me

people are friendly and people are kind
they give you attention and some of their time
nobody's showing you a piece of their mind
it feels like they're lying to me

          you can't judge a book by its cover
          that's something I hear people say
          but everything I see is the other
          side of reality getting its way

somebody loves you, they're telling you so
with kisses and soft words that you've never known
but don't mistake it for being your home
it feels like they're lying to me

          you can't judge a film by its poster
          you can't tell the time by the stars
          it may feel like you're getting closer
          but you're staying right where you are

the sky is blue and the trees are tall
everyone is included, each one of us all
you can climb high, there's no chance you can fall
and it feels like it's lying to me
and it feels like it's lying to me

gentleman of the canyon

I wanted to live in the canyon
where the beautiful people dwell
surrounded by profits and privilege
goddamn them all to hell
if you won't allow me in
then I'll allow myself
a gentleman of the canyon
despite my lack of wealth

I wanted to live with the chosen
and do whatever they'd do
sooner or later, someone would notice
that I am chosen too
and if you do not choose me
then I will do my duty
a gentleman of the canyon
your insults will go right through me

I wanted to live where I belong
and I belong right here
you are right to feel unsafe
because I am standing near
I have my weapons
my followers
will do the work for me
a gentleman of the canyon
will see what he needs to see

I know the properties
where I must make my stand
I know it like I know the rifles
in my comrade's hands
come sunrise in this city
there'll be less of you
a gentleman of the canyon
must do what he must do

afraid of memories (new first verse)

I'm afraid of memories
'cause they keep reminding me
that you're not here anymore
since the day you changed your mind
and left my love behind
I've tried to live the way I did before

Proof

I tell you, I'm having such a good time with the new songs I've written. At times, it even makes up for all the bad things that happen in my ordinary, day-to-day life. You know, the fact that nothing really ever happens, my fuckin' mental illness, the depression, the anger, the endless humiliations that life is constantly handing out. 

I'm so glad to hear it, farmboy. I'm happy to hear that it's that part of your life that's responsible for the joy. Songwriting is really a gift you have.

Well, I'd like to think so but it's not up to me to say. It's just what I do. It's what I've always done, make music. It's what I was born to do. I just hope that someday I can do it well. 

And it's interesting. I have no audience to speak of. The last gig I had was devastatingly fruckin' discouraging. There was, basically, no audience. I mean, there were a few people but it was embarrassing. I'm sure some performing opportunity will come up, but I don't know from where. So at this point I'm writing songs because that's where I get the most meaning in life. It's just fucking too bad that no one will ever fuckin' hear them.

I'm sure that's not true, farmboy. It's like what you said, the opportunities will come. Especially with these new songs. Don't give up hope yet.

It might be too late for that. I need some proof, I'm afraid. I've already spent years -- my whole life, really -- working on this stuff and nobody's ever been really interested. I just work in my own little vacuum.

But you have these new songs...

Yes, and they're fuckin' saving me right now. Even though nobody is hearing them. It's just like this little kid thing where I'm saying to myself "Look, you created this, that somehow came out of you." Or whatever. Maybe it's God. Maybe it's a collaboration. I don't fuckin' know. I'm a fuckin' songwriter, not a professor or something. Brains have never been my strong point, you know.

I'm not so sure that's true.

Whatever. All I know is that I write songs and right now that is bringing me joy. And that's pretty good, you know?

beware

I try 
to empty my mind
from these thoughts
that poison my brain
but no matter
how hard I try
all those thoughts
still remain
and I try to push through
I try to push through
whatever I do
doesn't work
and I try to move on
tell myself those days are gone
but it still doesn't erase
all the hurt
you better look out
you better beware
I'm coming for you

I don't want to get out of bed

I don't want to get out of bed
I need another pillow
to rest my aching head
play me another long song
a jam from the Grateful Dead
something that will help me fall asleep
I don't want to go to my job
I just want to lay around
like your average slob
I don't mean to sound
like some Portland hipster snob
but I need to be on the street
but before that
just let me lie awake
on this mattress and these box springs
this is not a mistake
I ain't looking for trouble
this is not a mistake
I don't want to get out of bed
that's what I said
I don't want to get out of bed

Broken record

It's a beautiful day outside. I just got back from my walk, where I had a couple of nice encounters with people from the neighborhood. So why am I always so depressed?

It's called a "major depressive disorder." That's what you have, farmboy. That's one of your two major diagnosis's. 

That's right. I forgot. And the other one was...

PTSD.

Yeah, PTSD. I never quite understood that one. I was never in the military, never saw combat. I was never sexually assaulted. What the fuck am I going to have PTSD over?

You'd be surprised.

That tells me a fuckin' lot.

The mind's a tricky thing, farmboy. 

I just get tired of fuckin' trying sometimes. I'm so frustrated. I'm so angry. I'm a fuckin' broken record just going over and over the same things. 

On the other hand, you did go out for a walk today. In the sunshine. You talked to neighbors. I imagine you probably smiled and were friendly. What's up for the rest of the day?

I'm going to see my therapist in a little while, then I'll buy a burrito for this evening's dinner. It's the culinary highlight of my week.

I'm glad that you're going to see your therapist.

I am too. I hope I can get something out of it rather than just complaining like I always do. I really need help.

people I used to know (rewrite 2)

I don't like photographs
from the past
I find them in drawers
filled with odds and ends
there they are again
with places I've gone to
and strangers who once were friends
I wonder where they go
I miss them so
the people I used to know

I don't know where they've gone
friends move on
disappearing but not 
from memory
I can't believe
someone I don't know
took them away from me
maybe I've been outgrown
where did they go
the people I used to know

           do you remember me?
          I was someone
          you cared about
          do you remember me
          I'm the one
          you learned to live without

I don't like memories
they betray me
they want me to believe
what isn't true
what can I do
but remember all of the lies
that came from you
you had to let me go
you told me so
and now that we're through
what can I do
you turned into
one of the people who I used to know
the people I used to know

people I used to know (rewrite 1)

I don't like photographs
from the past
I find them in drawers
filled with odds and ends
they appear again
with places I've gone to
and folks who once were friends
I wonder where they go
I miss them so
the people I used to know

I don't know where they've gone
friends move on
disappearing but not 
from memory
I can't believe
they've been taken away from me
I'm someone you'll outgrow
where did they go
the people I used to know

           do you remember me?
          I was someone
          you cared about
          do you remember me
          I'm the one
          you learned to live without

I don't like memories
they betray me
they want me to believe
what isn't true
what can I do
but remember the lies
that came from you
you told me so
where did you go
the people I used to know

people I used to know

I don't like photographs
from the past
I find them in drawers
filled with odds and ends
they appear again
there's places I've gone to
and folks who once were friends
I wonder where they go
I miss them so
the people I used to know

I don't know where they've gone
friends move on
disappearing 
but not from memory
I can't believe
they've been taken away from me
I'm the one friends outgrow
where did they go
the people I used to know

           do you remember me?
          I was someone
          you used to call a friend
          do you remember me
          now that we
          have come to an end

I don't like memories
they betray me
they want me to believe
what isn't true
what can I do
but remember all the lies
that came from you
where did you go
the people I used to know

bad mood

everything is fuckin' wrong
and there's nothing I can do about it
my hope has up and moved along
I don't know if I can live without it
I don't want to do
what I have to do
all I want
is something new
something to pay
attention to
I'm in a bad mood
I'm in a bad mood

I mean, isn't this stuff supposed to fuckin' help

Goddammit! Nothing in my life ever fuckin' goes right. It's just been a fuckin' shit show for the past fuckin' how-many-number-of-years. Fuck, it's fuckin' everything up. Get me out of this fuckin' life as quick as you can, 'cause it's just not fuckin' working.

Calm down, farmboy, it's going...

DON'T FUCKIN' TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!

(softly, calmly) I'm sorry, farmboy. You're right. Go ahead. Get it all out of your system.

Great. Now I'm a little better. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I don't fuckin' know when the fuckin' switch is going to be turned on and off. My anger is fuckin' out of control. I don't know what to fuckin' do.

What have you done?

I took a Klonopin, of course, and in twenty minutes I'm going to make a cup of coffee and smoke some weed and maybe I'll meditate. But not until I calm down enough and fuckin' feel like it. I'm so tired of all these everyday things weighing on me. The practicing, the writing, the fuckin' meditation. I mean, isn't this stuff supposed to fuckin' help at some fuckin' point? Isn't the walking supposed to help me lose weight and get in shape? Isn't the playing supposed to make me better. Jesus, everything I fuckin' do just causes me pain and aggravation. 

Let's look at things. What have you eaten today?

Nothing.

Nothing?

I'm trying to lose weight and nothing fuckin' works. So I figure not eating is the solution. I'll eat something after a while.

This is the problem: Nothing ever fuckin' works. It's fuckin' amazing. If I were a regular fuckin' human being, I wouldn't be going through this. But I'm not a regular fuckin' human being. I'm a fuckin' circus freak.

I'm sorry, farmboy.

Thanks. I appreciate it. I'm getting calmer. Thank you. But when does this shit ever end? When do I get a fuckin' break, huh?

only silence

you wake up every morning
hoping something will happen
anything
anything at all
some excuse to fall into action
there's no satisfaction
when every day is the same
we all need some reaction
but in the end, it seems,
only silence remains

you go to bed at midnight
thinking it's been a useless day
anything
anything at all
is the nothing that's heading your way
there's nothing left to say
when every day is the same
your hope's begun to decay
but in the end, it seems,
only silence remains

depressed

I'm so sad all the time
I just take it for granted
no one's life is quite like mine
the opposite of enchanted
so I'll take the pills
to cure my ills
but I'm still not doing well
what the hell
I'm depressed

nothings really wrong
but I always feel so damn bad
if I had any energy
I'd be so fucking mad
so I'll drink this wine
to feel fine
but this time it just don't work
I'm so hurt
I'm depressed

          doctor doctor help me
          get me outta this brain
          I'll do anything you want
          to get rid of this pain

I'm so sad all the time
this is how I spend my days now
I wouldn't recognize happiness
if my some chance it came now
I ask you sincere
please help me here
I'm fearing nothing will do
what I need it to
what can I do?
I'm depressed

you're in trouble now

I know your heart's on fire
I know who sent it ablaze
I know his intentions
and his romantic ways
are burning inside you
I see through the haze
you're in trouble now
you've learned your emotions
are not easy and sane
you tasted the fire
and all that remains
is the flame of desire
coursing through your veins
and you don't know how

          being young
          is not for the fearful
          so many changes
          and trials to figure out
          you've begun
          you're starting from here, so
          make sure you discover
          what it's about
          and what you'll allow
          you're in trouble now

here for the learning

I'm here for the learning
I'm not here to accomplish anything
I'm here for the learning
I'm not here too accomplish anything
my motor starts to running
when I hear those school bells ring

I'm here for the learning
don't ask me what's involved
my wheels are turning
don't ask me what's involved
I just have some answers
to some questions that must be solved

don't get in my business
and I won't get in yours
don't get in my business
and I won't get in yours
if you look into my business
all you'll get is a locked door

I'm lost and I'm tired
and both my shoes are untied
I'm feeling uninspired
both my shoes are untied
but I got dreams and visions
that just won't be denied

I'm here for the learning
I'm not here to accomplish anything
I'm here for the learning
I'm not here too accomplish anything
my motor starts to running
when I hear those school bells ring

save myself

and the clock ticks
louder and louder
every second of right now
turns into the past
I hear my heart beat
stronger and stronger
I do not know
how long I can last

          can you hear me crying
          can you help me now
          I need to save myself
          but I don't know how

I wake up in darkness
it's 2:30 a.m.
I worry about everything
my tired mind can hold
I'm scared and I'm anxious
it's happening again
my brain won't do
anything it's told

          can you hear me crying
          can you help me now
          I need to save myself
          but I don't know how

          isn't there a pill I can take
          isn't there a drink I can make
          sometimes life is just a mistake
          and this is one of those times

eight in the morning
time is going faster
I am struggling
for a way to keep up
I keep on waiting
for the forthcoming disaster
no matter what happens
I've had enough

          can you hear me crying
          can you help me now
          I need to save myself
          but I don't know how

I'm already bored

It's Sunday and I just got back from my walk. Now I have nothing planned for the rest of the day, except writing and playing music and meditating. I'm already bored.

Bored? farmboy, you've got music, you've got stuff to watch on TV, you've got books, it's sunny outside and not too warm. How can you be bored?

Okay, I guess what I am is bored and lonely. Seems like all I ever do is do things by myself. At least I got to see my brother and his family last night. We ate in the back yard, which means I got to spend some time outdoors.

I guess I'll probably smoke weed later and play guitar and stuff, but, really, I wish I could go someplace like a songwriting retreat or something where I could have both time to be creative and time to spend with people who have the same interests as me. But being here in my apartment, as much as I'm thankful for my apartment -- well, it's so fuckin' boring that I can barely stand it.

You could go somewhere, you know.

Yeah, but where? I'm real tempted to go out and get some Thai food for supper, but we'll see. I have food here at home and I'm trying not to spend much money. Not to mention the fuckin' carbs from the rice noodles.

I do have rice noodles here, and leftover chicken, and some vegetables. Maybe I'll just cook at home.

How about going to the movies or something like that?

I don't know. Maybe. I should check to see what's playing. Maybe I'll just end up listening to the new Taylor Swift album again. It's pretty fun.

Well, farmboy, whatever you do, I hope you have a good time doing it.

I hope so, too. I mainly don't want to be depressed out of boredom, but sometimes that happens. We'll see.