Proof

I tell you, I'm having such a good time with the new songs I've written. At times, it even makes up for all the bad things that happen in my ordinary, day-to-day life. You know, the fact that nothing really ever happens, my fuckin' mental illness, the depression, the anger, the endless humiliations that life is constantly handing out. 

I'm so glad to hear it, farmboy. I'm happy to hear that it's that part of your life that's responsible for the joy. Songwriting is really a gift you have.

Well, I'd like to think so but it's not up to me to say. It's just what I do. It's what I've always done, make music. It's what I was born to do. I just hope that someday I can do it well. 

And it's interesting. I have no audience to speak of. The last gig I had was devastatingly fruckin' discouraging. There was, basically, no audience. I mean, there were a few people but it was embarrassing. I'm sure some performing opportunity will come up, but I don't know from where. So at this point I'm writing songs because that's where I get the most meaning in life. It's just fucking too bad that no one will ever fuckin' hear them.

I'm sure that's not true, farmboy. It's like what you said, the opportunities will come. Especially with these new songs. Don't give up hope yet.

It might be too late for that. I need some proof, I'm afraid. I've already spent years -- my whole life, really -- working on this stuff and nobody's ever been really interested. I just work in my own little vacuum.

But you have these new songs...

Yes, and they're fuckin' saving me right now. Even though nobody is hearing them. It's just like this little kid thing where I'm saying to myself "Look, you created this, that somehow came out of you." Or whatever. Maybe it's God. Maybe it's a collaboration. I don't fuckin' know. I'm a fuckin' songwriter, not a professor or something. Brains have never been my strong point, you know.

I'm not so sure that's true.

Whatever. All I know is that I write songs and right now that is bringing me joy. And that's pretty good, you know?