Everything snowballs

(farmboy's face is wet with tears)

farmboy! Why are you crying? You almost never cry.

It ain't nothing, man. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What's wrong, farmboy? Talk to me.

It really is nothing. It's just that I'm under so much stress all the fuckin' time and it doesn't seem to ever end, and (starting to cry again) one thing turns into another, emotionally speaking, and everything snowballs, you know, and then I start thinking too much and I'm angry all the time and there just hasn't been a break lately.

So it's money, of course. I have $21 and change to last me the month, and that's like a week and a half, an that's because my prescription group took the majority of the money for November out of my account. And a relative's birthday is coming up and she's expecting a present. So...I got one present on my birthday, or actually after my birthday.

I thought you didn't get anything.

I didn't. This came after I spoke with you.

So, anyway, I ended up spending that present -- it was a gift card -- to get that present for my relative. Whom, by the way, I don't hold it against. It just seems like such a pathetic thing to have to do.

So that just led me in to my annual birthday depression, which then leads to my Christmas depression. It's starting early this year. I just need to give up on holidays, because they just keep getting taken away from me. Plus it's coming on winter, and here in the Pacific northwest it just gets fuckin' cold and dark and wet and it's, like, the most fuckin' depressing weather I have ever seen.

So it all just snowballed -- if that's even a word.

So, farmboy...

But wait! There's more!

So I go to the grocery store and they don't take my coupon...

This is after you bought the gift?

Yeah. So I'm already feeling like a fuckin' loser and I have to be careful about every single fuckin' cent I spend. Then that happens and I go in the parking lot and try to pull out and there's this fuckin' bitch behind me who's blasting her horn and doesn't give me room to pull out. So I pull out as much as I can and I get out of the car and tell her she needs to give me room, which of course sets her off.

See what I mean about nothing? This is all small, small shit. These are all minor inconveniences. I mean, really minor. But they all snowball, you know, it's like everything just escalates. It all adds together.

So I come home and get an email that a friend of mine has a brain tumor, which is not small shit. And so now there's guilt about feeling so bad, but that's nothing compared to the concern about my friend. Which is just so fuckin' unfair. My friend getting a brain tumor, that is.

This is also the weekend that I'm supposed to be in Los Angeles for my friend's birthday party.

The one you planned?

The very same.

Let me guess -- money?

Couldn't fuckin' afford it, Of course. Fuck.

I'm sorry about your friend, farmboy.

Oh, man, me too.

So don't worry. Except for my friend, it's nothing big, like I said. It just sucks, and it seems to be never ending. I feel bad about feeling bad. But at least there was some kind of relief, which there usually isn't. Except for my friend, those are silly things to cry about, and it's all just selfish self-pity. But it's good to have, for once, some kind of relief.

So there is something positive that came out of it.

Yeah. 'Cept now I feel like a fuckin' fool.

Do you have any of your anti-anxiety pills?

Yeah...

You might want to consider taking one, farmboy.

I might,

I do know I'm gonna smoke some weed. I'll eat something, I don't know what. Usually I eat something fun on Fridays, but I can't afford it. But that's little shit, too.

I'm gonna go smoke pot now. Thanks for listening, man. There are times I don't know what I'd do without you.

You're home and safe. You take care of yourself, farmboy.

I will. Thanks.