why I need a dog

I need love
I need a companion
I am sick and tired
of being abandoned 
oh me oh my
I wanna cry
and that is why
I need a dog

man's best friend
will give you devotion
instead of those stupid
human emotions
oh me oh my
I cannot lie
and that is why
I need a dog

          people are so useless
          they take up all your time
          they're spoiled and they're ruthless
          and selfish by design
          now, I know a dog ain't toothless
          but it makes me feel so fine
          I don't feel sad
          I'm just glad 
          she's mine, mine, mine

home sapiens 
are a pain in the rump
example one:
donald trump
oh me oh my
(insert weary sigh)
and that is why
I need a dog

I need love
I need a companion
a pal to walk with me
in the grand canyon
oh me oh my
think I'll give it a try
tell every person I know goodbye
oh me oh my
that is why
I need a dog
I need a dog 
I need a dog
I need a dog

they said nothing

she said
reach for the stars
he said
the only thing I'm reaching for
is the bottle

Jesus on the cross

on the wall
I see Jesus on the cross
as I lay on this hospital bed
and he looks like an eagle
and he looks like an eagle
preparing to fly
if I had wings
I'd learn to glide across
that great big open sky ahead
and I'd never look down
I would never look down
or question why
I would trust that where I'm going
is where I was meant to be
I would see those open spaces
waiting before me
and I wouldn't be scared
and I wouldn't be scared
I would be free

people have said
I've been a failure all my life
I'm nothing but a waste of time
that I just don't matter
that I just don't matter
and I believed them
I hang my head
I close my broken eyes
and plead guilty to the crime
say I am not worthy
I am not worthy
over and over again
I've told myself to forget them
it's only lies they're telling me
but they're so deeply planted
and they won't let me be
if I could stand up before them
I could learn to ignore them
I would be free

I stood, I walked, I bent my knees

Busy day, man. Intense day. Here's the short version: I stood, I walked, I bent my knees. I did this in front of physical therapist and the intern and my wonderful friend Mary K., who flew out from Austin, Texas to see him.

Sounds like a big day, farmboy. Sounds like a good friend.

She's great. Really great. I worked with her in Austin, and she was the executive producer of my last CD. It was great to see her.

Now, I had stood before and I had walked with a walker before, but this was different. I was still apprehensive but I had been working on it for a few days. But also, my surgeon saw me at the rehab place as he was walking through and he gave the go-ahead to bend my knees a little while standing up in the walker.

Which is what you were having trouble with.

Yeah. So that made it so much easier and I got in and out of the walker over and over. And I walked to the window in the hall. It's like the fuckin' light in the tunnel, man. I ain't sure that I fuckin' believe it, but it's true.

That's amazing, farmboy. I am so happy for you. I am so proud of you. This is important, farmboy. Congratulations.

Thanks, man. I'm kinda overwhelmed by it all. Oh my God, it was kinda dramatic, like a movie or a TV show. I had sort of a hard time dealing with it, because it was so intense. But, man, it was so fuckin' great, just so fuckin' great. It is great. I'm gonna walk again, man.

Well, I never doubted it, farmboy. I knew you would.

I wasn't sure, man. I honestly didn't know. But it's happening, and I'm sorta afraid of it, but today happened, man. Today was real. This is fact.

fine now

it was not a good surprise
I was traumatized
I had to shut my eyes
the whole entire time
when they took me in
I felt sorry for my skin
I could feel the bones within
but they weren't mine
they were not mine
they took me for a ride
they wheeled me inside
but I never cried
until I crossed that line
when I could finally see
my legs give out on me
I didn't know gravity
could be so unkind
and I went down down down
to the floor
I went down down down
where I had never been before
I didn't know
where I would go
I didn't know
what when or how
but don't worry
I'm fine now
I'm fine now 

now I could not pretend
that this was the end
I was told I would mend
after a long long time
but it was plain to see
what was in front of me
my fuckin' memory
would not stay behind
and it was not a friend
it had a tale to spin
over and over again
taking over my mind
I could not set it free
it was taking me
to a foreign country
where I could not read the signs
and I went down down down
in my sleep
down down down
and I prayed the Lord to keep
I didn't know
where I would go
I didn't know
what was allowed
but don't worry
don't worry
I'm fine now
I'm fine now

the first time in forever

for the first time in forever I feel hopeful
for the first time in forever I feel strong 
I can hear the winds of change around me
exactly where I should have been all along

let me see morning

let me see morning once again
and I promise I'll return
to the lonely man I've been
allow me to be your fool once more
so I can pretend
let me see morning once again

let me see the sun rise in your eyes
let the beating of my heart
take you by surprise
keep me away from news
I refuse to recognize
then I'll be on my way

          tomorrow
          there'll be nothing left to see
          there'll be no future
          waiting there for me

let the fog burn off this one-horse town
I will listen to the foghorn 
moan it's sad and lonesome sound
tomorrow you will rise
and maybe take a look around
I'll be on my way

let me see morning once again
and then I'll be gone
just like I've never been
I will tell lies to myself
my heart is on the mend
let me see morning
close my eyes to any warning
let me see morning once again
and then
I'll be on my way

love and only love

I was lost and broken hearted
didn't know which way to turn
the only way out
were bridges I had already burned
I was stuck out here in dumpsville
on the path of no return
when a kind and gentle stranger came to me
she said "you look like a good man"
I said "you don't know me at all
I am nothing but big trouble
and my back's against the wall"
then she said "I don't believe you
you've just taken a hard fall
now close your eyes and look what you can see"

          no matter what they say
          no matter what you do
          it's love and only love
          that's going to pull you through
          it's love and only love
          that's gonna take good care of you

nothing but trouble

I am nothing but trouble
trouble is my middle name

day of the dead

we will all meet in heaven
over on the other shore
with tamales and fresh salsa
guacamole and what's more
we'll eat freshly made tortillas
not that healthy whole grain bread
let's celebrate 
the day of the dead

oh the beer will be coronas
and we'll all laugh long and hearty
we'll be chomping on menudo
the day after we party
there'll be no work in the morning
but we still won't go to bed
when we celebrate
the day of the dead

          oh dio de los muertros
          is my favorite holiday
          I love to see my family
          especially those who've gone away

we will see my uncle Henry
and my Nino Hector too
and my aunts Tata and Trini
Poncho is expecting you
we'll be hugging and a-chugging
to those better days ahead
when we celebrate
the day of the dead

and I will make aunt Lupe
her favorite gin and tonic
then you'll find me in the back
smoking my cigarette of chronic
we'll have every adult beverage
and no one is underfed
as we celebrate
the day of the dead

and that old dog from your childhood
he'll come running through the door
and he'll lick your face and love you 
like he always did before
we will drink to Cesar Chavez
with that good wine, white or red
man, we'll celebrate
the day of the dead

           oh, your heritage won't matter
           no matter what you say
           because you are a member
           of our family today

cu cu ru cu la paloma
will be played on guitar
by me and my cousin Dave
and we'll be gazing at the stars
above in Jamul, California
we'll be heels over head
as we celebrate
the day of the dead

so won't you come and join us
bring your sleeping bag and tent
we'll toast to all the good times
and never wonder where they went
but don't mind me if I'm crying
when I see my mom and dad
I'm reliving all the love I've ever had
hey, let's celebrate 
the day of the dead
man, I can't wait
to celebrate
the day of the dead

Iowa city

the last time I saw this movie
I was stuck in Iowa city
staying at the hostel
with people 'round my age
I paid the admission
I had my guitar with me
I remember the commotion
when you took the stage

now, it was only a movie
on a technicolor screen
but you took complete control
of everything around 
I took you back with me
if you know what I mean
the midwest to California
I travelled to your sound

          I was young then
          naive and unaware
          you heard dreams and visions
          and I still had my hair
          I was young then
          with so many hopes and fears
          but I took you with me
          for the next thirty-odd years
          now you're gone
          now you're gone
          but I always will remember

I never knew what happened
how that journey came to be
escaping for a couple years
a history filled with pain
there was a longing for adventure
buried deep inside of me
I was taking full advantage
till the disease came around again

           but I was free then
           though I never thought I'd be
           I thought I didn't have
           any joy inside of me
           I was free then
           soon that feeling disappeared
           but I took you with me
           for the next thirty-odd years
           now you're gone
           now you're gone
           but I always will remember

          

Life is just a party and parties weren't meant to last

Oh my God. Prince died.

What a surprise this was. I know he was one of your favorites, farmboy.

You know, he wrote my all-time favorite line in a song.

Which is...?

"Life is just a party and parties weren't meant to last."

I feel so fuckin' sad, man. Prince wasn't supposed to die. Not Prince. Fifty-seven fuckin' years old.

All those great songs...

I can't fuckin' believe this, man. I mean, I didn't know Prince, but...when it's someone who's touched you, someone who's music...You just kind of, well, it's sort of like you shared something on a deeper kind of level. It's music. I fuckin' feel like crying.

You know what I would say to Prince if he could hear me?

What, farmboy?

I would say thanks. Thanks for the party.

His name is Joe

It's Wednesday morning, man, the morning of April 20 -- 420 -- and here I am with no weed and no place to smoke if I did. Instead I'm sitting in a fuckin' hospital bed waiting for the physical therapist to come. But it could be worse I suppose.

I'm curious, farmboy; how could it be worse?

Well...you know, sometimes I look at my apartment when I'm at home and think "Look at all this, farmboy, look at all these luxuries. You want hot water? Turn on a faucet. Too cold? Turn up the heat. Hungry? Go to the fridge. You know, you have it better than, say, 90 percent of the world."

That's a good way to look at life, farmboy. And it's very true. But you are in a situation where your world is not the way you want it. Not that I want you to complain, but I think your life is not exactly what you'd like.

Well, yeah. If I want to think about it, my life fuckin' sucks. But it could be worse. I'm supposed to get better. This fuckin' accident could have been a whole lot worse. I still have my brain and heart and I'm working on my legs. 

This is what I'm telling myself this morning, anyway.

Also, all this stuff I'm saying is kinda meant to combat self-pity, and I'm not sure this is all about self-pity. I think this is more about depression.

I agree, farmboy. I don't want you to start feeling guilty because you're feeling bad. You're on all these medications for depression. You saw a psychologist the other day because of your depression.

Fuck, man, my life has been fuckin' ruled by depression.

Excuse me, man. Somebody's at the door.

(farmboy tells the visitors to come in. Three adults come in and ask farmboy if he wants a therapy dog to visit him, which he does. The dog, a long-haired brown medium-large sized friendly animal named Joe, goes over to farmboy and immediately starts licking farmboy's hand. The two visit for a good while, Joe licking his new friend's hand and farmboy speaking to Joe while smoothing over his long fur. After a while, the adults and Joe leave to go visit other patients. farmboy resumes talking to the interviewer.)

Man, this dog just came in.

Therapy dog?

Yeah, a therapy dog. His name is Joe. What a sweetheart! Man, my life is a zillion times better when a dog is in it. He could have stayed forever.

Okay, what were we talking about?

This is a temporary situation

So here at the new rehab center life is a lot busier. Which is a good thing. Hopefully I'll get better faster and I don't have so much time to get depressed. But, believe me, I'm ain't happy, by any means. But I'm busy, so that's something.

That all sounds good to me, farmboy. How long are you going to be there?

Around two weeks. The people here are pretty confident that I can get more independent -- at least enough that I can go live and recover at my brother's house with a minimum of disruption to him and his family.

Of course, though, there's still a lot of depression and I'm not convinced that things are gonna be all right, which I feel can be so fuckin' dangerous to my recovery.

Is there anybody you can talk to there? Have you made any friends?

I have a two part answer, man. I had an appointment with a psychologist here -- not of my doing, though. The facility had her come in, and we talked for about 45 minutes. It was good; I talked about the depression and moving here from a place where I had lived for two months. A place where I really liked people.

She told me that in rehab centers people form bonds -- my words, not her's -- and that can be hard on both sides. It's really common, she said. And I appreciated hearing that, because I've been having a really hard time with that. Especially with Chase; it's like he was my friend but I know...I know it's kinda not real life and I'll probably never see or hear him again. I wish I had had a chance to say goodbye.

Have I made any friends? I'm not sure I want to make friends. I mean, I like everybody, but, fuck, man, I don't want to care too much about anybody here. 

You're trying to protect yourself.

Yeah. I'm trying to protect myself. That's true. But this kinda ain't real life, you know. This is a rehab center and these people are getting paid to be here.

So are you saying you can't have friends, farmboy?

I can have friends, but I gotta be careful to not get attached. This is temporary. This is a temporary situation. 

I gotta tell you, man, I wanna go home. I want this whole ordeal to be over with. But it ain't gonna be over. It's all gotta continue till I can walk.

old man with a white beard

there's an old man with a white beard
and he's looking right at me
with crooked glasses and skin of brown
and he doesn't like what he sees
he's got a freckled nose and goodwill clothes 
and says "I suppose nobody wants me"
and I walk away but in my dreams
I know that old man's face will haunt me

I don't like the way he talks
he's bitter and rude and phony
I bet he sticks a feather in his cap
and calls it macaroni
he's got a big old gut and I'll tell you what
he's the stick-it-to-you kind
and late at night when the moon is bright
I can't get him out of my mind

there's an old old man with a big white beard
and his words cut like a knife
I think he votes republican
and he's out to rule my life
there's an old old man with a big white beard
and he thinks he rules this town
and I swear to you one of these days
I'm gonna take that mirror down

I don't want to live like this

I didn't think it would end this way
I didn't think I'd feel so alone
with my body failing
and everything ailing
living in an old folks home
oh Jesus please release me
from time's cold and angry fist
I don't want to live like this, Lord
I don't want to live like this

it hurts now to remember
the promise of when I was young
I was only a child
my daydreams grew wild
laughter was my native tongue
now I'm at the end of my trail
thinking of all that I've missed
I don't want to live like this, Lord
I don't want to live like this

          give me a song
          amazing grace
          lift me up
          and over this place
          I believe my race
          has been run
          
I don't want to breathe anymore
I feel like my lungs will collapse
I'm thinking today
should be far, far away
I want to be part of the past
take mercy on me, Jesus
put me on St. Peter's list
I don't want to live like this, Lord
I don't want to live like this
I'm grateful for all you have given
now take me so I can rest
I don't want to live like this, Lord
I don't want to live like this

my imaginary friends

I'm so tired of wishing
I don't want to pretend
I'm sick of waiting
for my troubles to end
the mistakes I've made
I'm making again
where are my imaginary friends

I gotta learn not to make friends

Hey, man.

Hey yourself, farmboy. How's the new digs?

Good, I guess. People here are pretty nice. But I'm tired of all this stuff. It doesn't matter, though, because I have to go through it. I better see some good after all this. I mean, I hope I don't go back to my everyday life of going to a job I hate and settling for the minimum because I don't feel like I'm worth anything more.

I miss the old place. You know, I was there for almost two months and I got to know people.

You'll get to know people where you're at, farmboy. But I would imagine that there would be some grieving. It's only natural. It's, as you put it, those silly human emotions.

I don't use the word "silly." I say "stupid." It's more accurate.

But, yeah, I can't believe I'm never gonna see those people again. I gotta learn not to make friends. I ain't good at it, man. I get too fuckin' attached. Pisses me off.

You know, in my worst moments I feel like I'm a scared little kid in these places. Like I'm here without my parents and nothing is safe.

You should see me when I try to stand in the walker. Man, there's adrenaline going and anxiety going and about 500 mental disorders rise to the fuckin' surface.

But are you standing?

Um, yeah. With assistance.

Then what happens, farmboy?

I walk with the walker. Yesterday I walked, like, 45 feet.

It sounds like you're making progress.

I am. But it's slow. It's so fuckin' slow and I feel like I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it natural-like. You know, without thinking so hard about every single step and worrying that I'm going to fall and injure myself all over again.

But you walked, farmboy. It will come in time. It will. You're already on your way. You're in the process. And later you can tackle all these other things: getting a new job, traveling, living your life.

You sound just like the occupational therapist from the place I was in before. Chase. I'd be trying to do this stuff and Chase would say things like "Think about the concerts you'll be going to. Think about the tiny house you want to build." You know, all that hopeful stuff about the future.

Your friend Chase is right. Be hopeful. Think about what you're going to do when this chapter of your life is done.

I know, man, I know. And I am thinking about that stuff. Now I just need to make sure that voice is louder than the voice of my fear. 

I'm hoping it's good

I'm not in the rehab center I've been in for the past two months. I was moved this morning to a hospital that has a rehab department to get me ready to go home -- or, in my case, to move into my brother's house for a while. I'll be getting three times as much therapy here, both physical and occupational. This also buys me a little time to figure out what I need to live at my brother's.

So farmboy, do you consider this a good move? It sounds pretty positive to me.

I think it's good. It's fuckin' scary just like this whole experience has been scary. I'm hoping it's good, I hope I get nice therapists who are as kind as my therapists Forrest and Chase at the place I just left. I'm gonna miss them a lot, man. Chase was, like, my pal at the nursing home. I could talk and joke around with him. And Forrest was great and sensitive and compassionate. I wish they were here right now.

Anyway, man, I gotta get ready for my first meeting with the occupational therapist here. I meet with the physical therapist in less than two hours, also.

Good luck, farmboy. You sound apprehensive. I want you to know that it's all going to go well. It's all going to be okay, farmboy. Trust me.

Oh, man, I wish I was home in my apartment already, living my life. But I guess I'm on my way, huh?

I have to be strong and I feel so weak

Everything is getting more complicated with each day. So there's a chance that I may be going to a hospital for more intensive therapy. People have been advising me to hire an attorney to see if the bus company -- I fell off the back exit -- can pay any expenses. I was really hoping it wouldn't come to that.

I'm fuckin' scared, man, and I wish this was over. I wish to God this had never happened. I want to be a child again, with my parents still alive. I want to feel safe, not like everything is in jeopardy. I want to feel like I'm not gonna fall and fuck up the surgery that was done two months ago.

I've cried more in the last couple weeks than I have in a long, long time. It's bringing all sorts of stuff out: my past, my future, my attachment to people...Man, this is so fuckin' hard. I want it over. 

And it will be, farmboy. It will. I promise.

I hope so, man. I want this over so bad, but I know there's no way that can happen. I have to be strong and I feel so weak. So I'm gonna have to find my courage and be strong anyway. I have to. I don't know exactly how, but I have to, man. I have to be strong. I have to be strong.

I don't go outside anymore

another day
no blue in the atmosphere 
seems a long way from here
lost on some distant shore
the sun won't stay
black crows in a sky of gray
it doesn't matter anyway
I don't go outside anymore

I remember
every detail
I've wanted to forget 
every broken dream
every regret
I fear what my future holds in store
people moving
every which way
but not me
I lay in bed all day
I don't go outside anymore

           in the morning
           birds sing
           morning bells ring
           but I can't hear a thing
           except the memory of your voice

I wish this world
would disappear
lover's laughter brings me tears
where's the hope 
I once had before
I know a place
that's right for me
lock me in
throw away the key
I don't go outside anymore
I don't go outside anymore

           

I'm trying not to think this, but I'm fucked

Hi.

Hey, farmboy, what's up? This is a surprise. It's fine, of course. I'm just surprised because we just talked.

Everything has changed. I was misinformed about a couple of things. My last day at this facility is Saturday.

Saturday? I thought you had longer than that.

I did too. But I don't. It's Saturday.

And you can't stay any longer?

No. I was also misinformed about my insurance. I was under the impression that after my allotted days I would have to pay a copay of $160. Turns out I have to pay the full amount, which is at least 600 fuckin' dollars a day. Ain't no way I can afford that, man.

What are you going to do, farmboy?

Besides panic? I don't know, man. I don't fuckin' know. I mean, it'll be something. But at this moment in time, I don't have a clue. I'm trying not to think this, but I'm fucked.

Oh my God, farmboy, I...

I don't know what I can say, man. This whole thing is a fuckin' nightmare. It just keeps getting worse. Right now, I'm in shock. I'm fuckin' stunned. I don't know what to say.

I want to disappear. That's all I want.

Like I always do

I've been thinking about how everything changed in this non-walking life of mine. I tried so hard to be positive. And that worked for a while, a good while. But, man, when everything changes, it doesn't waste any fuckin' time, does it?

It's like I kept pushing everything down and it decided it had to come out. And I was tired. And that's when it struck.

I don't think you need to think so much, farmboy. Just do the best you can. You'll get better, you'll walk again. It will happen. I promise.

But what if it doesn't?

It will. Trust me.

I want to believe it, man. But it's so fuckin' hard. I mean, you try getting into a walker when your legs have to be completely straight and you're balancing yourself on your heels. Not to mention that you have to hold on to the walker with one hand while pushing yourself up with the other hand from the wheelchair.

Yes, it is hard and I don't envy you for being in the position you're in. But others have done it, farmboy, and there's no reason why you can't do it. 

But it's hard and I'm afraid, man.

I know. But you're a smart guy, farmboy. You'll figure out a way. I know you will.

I know. It's just that I'm so depressed. And isolated. But I have to do this. I have to.

And you will. I know it. And you know it too. But you have to let it work. Give yourself a chance.

When do you have therapy today?

I don't know. They never tell me. Okay, sometimes they tell me. But less and less, it seems.

But, you know, I'll go to it, like I always do, and I'll do the work, just like I always do. One of these days I'll get it.

You will, farmboy.

I better. My insurance is running out soon

The big question

I'm so sad. I feel like I'm gonna cry all the time and, what's more, I feel like I need to cry. Which ain't a good thing, man.

I'm not sure I agree with you, farmboy. Everybody needs to cry sometimes. You need to get some of this stuff out of you. It's toxic if you keep everything inside.

I know. I know it's no good to keep it bottled in. But what do you do with it? I've never been able to deal with all these stupid human emotions. They're so fuckin' messy.

And then there's the big question: What if I never learn how to walk? It sounds stupid, I know, but it's a very real question. I try not to let thoughts like that enter my mind but that's how powerful those fuckin' feelings are. And I can't allow them to win, man. I can't.

But they're still feelings, farmboy. You don't have to give in to the negative questions but you're going to have to feel your feelings.

I know, man. And that fuckin' sucks, big time.

my other life

my other life
in some parallel universe
is nothing like
my life here on earth
I have a farm
a wife and a family
and we face no harm
in my other life

I don't know if I can learn to fuckin' walk

Man, I don't know what I'm gonna do. 

Talk to me, farmboy. Tell me what's going on.

(farmboy starts crying)

I don't know if I can do it, man.

Do what, farmboy?

I don't know if I can learn to fuckin' walk. 

(farmboy's crying escalates)

My fuckin' fear is holding me back and I don't know if I can overcome it. It is so fuckin' powerful.

What are you feeling, farmboy?

I feel stupid. I feel weak. I feel like I'm, like, five years old.

There's this line in a song from this musical about Alexander Hamilton where this guy -- I think his name is something like Lin-Manuel Miranda -- he sings, like, "He (Aaron Burr?) thinks I'm stupid. I'm not stupid." I think you'd maybe have to hear it in context and hear the way he phrases it. Fuckin' brilliant, man. Anyway, I need to get to that point. I need to know I'm not stupid.

I don't think stupid has anything to do with it, farmboy. What scares you?

(farmboy starts crying again)

I can't get up from the fuckin' wheelchair to the walker, man. Because I'm so fuckin' afraid I'm going to fall and undo all the stuff the surgery fixed.

You know, farmboy, you're working with two very good therapists. You're at a facility where there's an excellent staff. You want to walk and you're willing to put in the work that it takes.

That's all very logical, man. Unfortunately for me, my brain's not all that logical. I know the only thing to fear is fear itself. I think some president said that, but I don't know who. I gotta figure some way out of this hole I'm in. I just gotta, man. I'm desperate here.

old western movie

I don't need anyone 
to tell me what to do
I need someone 
who knows how to listen
this is my life
you don't have a clue
I don't need your permission

I can make my own mistakes
I can choose who I trust
I can pick myself up
whenever I must
I can pack up and leave you
alone in the dust
like the hero
in an old western movie

self portrait (rewrite one)

I wanted to paint a self portrait
I painted it only in blue
I tried red and orange and purple
but no other color would do
I used a brand new canvas
from the local five and dime
and said "damn, man, I can't stand this
and bought a jar of turpentine
I wanted to paint aQq self portrait
so I could see me without you

I painted eyes with tears a-falling
and a nose big as a country mile
posing for pictures ain't my calling
'cause my mouth refused to smile
I couldn't believe my eyes
'cause my ears were so huge
I felt like an elephant
at a fair in Baton Rouge
I wanted to paint a self portrait
but being without you ain't my style

          I tried to be Picasso
          with masterpieces on the shelf
          but I felt like an asshole
          'cause I was still myself

I wanted to paint a self portrait