Friday, April 15, 2016

I gotta learn not to make friends

Hey, man.

Hey yourself, farmboy. How's the new digs?

Good, I guess. People here are pretty nice. But I'm tired of all this stuff. It doesn't matter, though, because I have to go through it. I better see some good after all this. I mean, I hope I don't go back to my everyday life of going to a job I hate and settling for the minimum because I don't feel like I'm worth anything more.

I miss the old place. You know, I was there for almost two months and I got to know people.

You'll get to know people where you're at, farmboy. But I would imagine that there would be some grieving. It's only natural. It's, as you put it, those silly human emotions.

I don't use the word "silly." I say "stupid." It's more accurate.

But, yeah, I can't believe I'm never gonna see those people again. I gotta learn not to make friends. I ain't good at it, man. I get too fuckin' attached. Pisses me off.

You know, in my worst moments I feel like I'm a scared little kid in these places. Like I'm here without my parents and nothing is safe.

You should see me when I try to stand in the walker. Man, there's adrenaline going and anxiety going and about 500 mental disorders rise to the fuckin' surface.

But are you standing?

Um, yeah. With assistance.

Then what happens, farmboy?

I walk with the walker. Yesterday I walked, like, 45 feet.

It sounds like you're making progress.

I am. But it's slow. It's so fuckin' slow and I feel like I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it natural-like. You know, without thinking so hard about every single step and worrying that I'm going to fall and injure myself all over again.

But you walked, farmboy. It will come in time. It will. You're already on your way. You're in the process. And later you can tackle all these other things: getting a new job, traveling, living your life.

You sound just like the occupational therapist from the place I was in before. Chase. I'd be trying to do this stuff and Chase would say things like "Think about the concerts you'll be going to. Think about the tiny house you want to build." You know, all that hopeful stuff about the future.

Your friend Chase is right. Be hopeful. Think about what you're going to do when this chapter of your life is done.

I know, man, I know. And I am thinking about that stuff. Now I just need to make sure that voice is louder than the voice of my fear. 

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