Tuesday, April 19, 2016

This is a temporary situation

So here at the new rehab center life is a lot busier. Which is a good thing. Hopefully I'll get better faster and I don't have so much time to get depressed. But, believe me, I'm ain't happy, by any means. But I'm busy, so that's something.

That all sounds good to me, farmboy. How long are you going to be there?

Around two weeks. The people here are pretty confident that I can get more independent -- at least enough that I can go live and recover at my brother's house with a minimum of disruption to him and his family.

Of course, though, there's still a lot of depression and I'm not convinced that things are gonna be all right, which I feel can be so fuckin' dangerous to my recovery.

Is there anybody you can talk to there? Have you made any friends?

I have a two part answer, man. I had an appointment with a psychologist here -- not of my doing, though. The facility had her come in, and we talked for about 45 minutes. It was good; I talked about the depression and moving here from a place where I had lived for two months. A place where I really liked people.

She told me that in rehab centers people form bonds -- my words, not her's -- and that can be hard on both sides. It's really common, she said. And I appreciated hearing that, because I've been having a really hard time with that. Especially with Chase; it's like he was my friend but I know...I know it's kinda not real life and I'll probably never see or hear him again. I wish I had had a chance to say goodbye.

Have I made any friends? I'm not sure I want to make friends. I mean, I like everybody, but, fuck, man, I don't want to care too much about anybody here. 

You're trying to protect yourself.

Yeah. I'm trying to protect myself. That's true. But this kinda ain't real life, you know. This is a rehab center and these people are getting paid to be here.

So are you saying you can't have friends, farmboy?

I can have friends, but I gotta be careful to not get attached. This is temporary. This is a temporary situation. 

I gotta tell you, man, I wanna go home. I want this whole ordeal to be over with. But it ain't gonna be over. It's all gotta continue till I can walk.

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