calm in the storm

what do you do
when there's a calm in the storm
do you enjoy the calm
or do you get ready for the storm

'cause you know the next storm is brewing
as storms always do
ain't no use in boo-hooing
there's a whole lot of work to do 

battle the hatches and aye ahoy ye maties
there's a hole in the bottom of the sea
and I'll bet you every fuckin' thing I own
it's waiting to swallow me

what do you do
when there's a calm in the storm
do you bask in the calm
or prepare for the next coming storm

I wake up each morning

I wake up every morning
look at my phone
so I can see nobody called
then I open up the email
to car insurance ads
and messages from nobody at all
it's a desperate situation
when bad luck calls your name
to use you as a palm
in its desperate little game
but no matter the ending
part of you remains
so they say
maybe I'll believe it anyway
maybe I won't
but if I don't
what do I believe instead?
that prayers are only words
overwrought and unheard
and never answered
and never answered?

I wake up each morning
look at my phone
so I can see nobody called
then I wobble to the bathroom
take a few hits
and try to forget it all

google and bookmark

there's only one way out, I'm afraid
it's time to plan your last escape
you'll never know
if you'll ever need it
but if you do
you'll know where to retrieve it
google and bookmark for later
google and bookmark for later

there's websites to show you the medical ways
to cure those long nights by ending your days
you'll never know
if you'll ever use it
but I wouldn't yet
think to refuse it
google and bookmark for later
google and bookmark for later

Dave Foster Wallace once said
before his sad fate
it's like you're in a skyscraper
being followed by flames
everyone says "don't jump"
but what they don't see
are the flames rising higher
and reaching for me
google and bookmark for later

information at my
nail-bitten fingertips
when old man isolation
performs his final grip
I'll know what 
I have to choose
for the act
I have to do
google and bookmark for later
google and bookmark for later

nightmare

I'm living in a nightmare
and I can't wake up
and I can't help myself
I'm living in a nightmare
and I can't wake up
get me county mental health

every since I was a little boy
my childhood joys
we're imaginary
comparing daydreams 
with the ones outside
the made-up ones
we're legendary

but now I'm sitting here
in reality
wondering what the fuck's
gonna become of me

I'm living in a nightmare
and I can't wake up...

hard

I am hard today
you cannot penetrate me
I am like those rocks people find
with unknown identity
millions and millions of years
Nick DeGrassi
Carl Sagan
are you here?
I need someone to notice me

I am a child today
but that's not always good
there's a lot of lies
and alibis in childhood
children get beaten
and children get shoved
and they build walls around them
so they never get love
and I've got walls around me
been there since my infancy
I need someone to notice me

I am fourteen
I don't know who I am
I'm always finding a way
through life's traffic jam
alone's the only thing
I've ever really felt
'cept those whippings
from my old man's belt 
and I confess that I provoked him
at least two times, maybe three
I need someone to notice me

I am alive today
tomorrow, I don't know
all the signs around me say
man, look out below
I have no idea how 
this mystery will progress
half of me's excited
half is scared-to-fuckin' death
I'm as confused as only I can be
somebody notice me
somebody notice me

song for everybody I know

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

supposed to say

there is no truth
there are no lies
only what you're
supposed to say
I am judge
and I am jury
and I will get
what's coming my way
I tried to be silent
I tried to be smart
but somehow my house
of cards fell apart
and what do I do 
with this broken heart?
what happens to all the pain?
please don't tell me
that some of it
always remains

experts talk about grief
doctors talk about healing
ain't nobody talking
about what I'm feeling
I feel hurt
I feel scared
I feel totally 
unprepared
I tried to be silent
but I was burning with pain
so I had to keep screaming
again and again
and what do I do 
with this broken heart?
what happens to all the hurt?
is attention something
I'm just not worth?

I once knew hope
I thought it could exist
till the side of my face
met my father's fist
and I know it looks like
it turned out okay
but I swear I can feel it
to this very day
I'm afraid of human beings
'cause I know what they can do
and I am afraid of you
and I am afraid of you
so what do I do
with this broken heart?
what happens to all the pain
do we learn?
do we grow?
is there wisdom to know?
or is all my suffering in vain?
is my suffering in vain?

you're not worth it

I went to my therapist
I said help me please
I've got a sad severe mental disease
he said I'm sorry
but don't come here no more
I tried to argue but he threw me out the door
     
          saying you're not worth it
          you're not worth it
          you're not worth it
          so you better find someone else

So I searched for a new therapist
it took me a week
I tried to make an appointment
but before I could speak
the receptionist told me
in a voice loud and clear
the doctor can't see you now
get out of here

          'cause you're not worth it
          you're not worth it
          you're not worth it
          so you better find someone else

So I found another guy
he came highly recommended
but when he saw 
the depths I have descended
he looked inside his notepad
and he said what I thought
I'll see you next week
but wait...maybe not

          'cause you're not worth it
          you're not worth it
          you're not worth it
          so you better find someone else

I called suicide prevention
they put me on hold
they found a volunteer
and in a voice so bold
she said
give me facts and figures
give me this, give me that
there's others more important
but thanks for the chat
  
          because you just ain't worth it
          you not worth it
          you're not worth it
          so you better find someone else

so I got on the bus
and I took a ride
I bought a gun and, hey!
I committed suicide
but when I got
to the pearly gates
saint peter said we're full
and it's too long to wait

          'cause you're not worth it
          you just ain't worth it
          you're not worth it
          so you better find someone else
          you're not worth it
          you're not worth it
          you're not worth it
          so would kindly quit yelling
          help
           

get yourself a gun

there are those too proud to listen
to any sentences you say
who believe in giving orders
and it's you who must obey
here is something I have learned
and I'm going to tell you, son
if you're wanting their attention
get yourself a gun

people will call you sir
instead of your family name
people's eyes pass over
when they're looking to place blame
people just might notice you
when their lives might be undone
and you'll get noticed, too
when you get yourself a gun

one night I was desperate
about as low as I could be
I called suicide prevention
but they had no time for me
one day I'll show up at their doorstep
and show them who's number one
you need some mental services?
get yourself a gun

some night in total darkness
you're gonna hear the voices
the ones that tell you what to do
and offer you no choices
you'll look into the mirror
and know your time is done
and you'll be glad you went ahead
and got yourself a gun

real life

I don't want to live my life in fiction anymore
I don't want to live the way I've always lived before
I don't want having dreams that never can come true
I don't want to have pretending 
be my point of view
I want real life
in real time
with real friends
I trust as mine
I want to face a day
that I don't dread
I want real life instead

I don't want to use imagination anymore
I don't want to live in isolation anymore
I don't want to be afraid of tears I hide within
I don't want my work to be in vain the way it's been
I want someone to listen
I want someone to hear
I want someone to notice
that I'm actually here
I don't want all those road blocks
dropping in my way
I want my real life someday

take me to the crossroads
I'll go down on damaged knees
ain't taking no for an answer 
ain't saying pretty-please
I still don't know which way to go
but I can't stay still
and either way I'm going
probably won't be my free will
I want real life
I want to know my worth
I want real feelings
that don't always hurt
before my death I want a life that's real
I want to heal

goodbye to everybody

I'm going to have to learn 
to say goodbye to everybody
'cause everybody's leaving me
as fast as they can
it's a sad, sad situation
it's a mass evacuation
what I did I still don't understand
but I'm sorry
yes, I'm sorry
'cause that's what I'm supposed to say

it's a lot of work
saying goodbye to everybody
people don't return phone calls
especially if they're calling me
I don't know what to do here
guess you could say I'm screwed here
while everybody packs their bags to flee
but I'm sorry
you know I'm sorry
that's what I'm supposed to say

          everybody's leaving
          and I don't know what to do
          I would tell my therapist
          but he's done left me too

my voice is running out
saying goodbye to everybody
my hands are getting tired
from waving farewell
so if I don't see you
remember I need you
I can't face this by myself
but I'm sorry
I'm sorry
that's all I've got to say
I'm sorry

hanging on to hope

I'm hanging on to hope
but my fingers are slipping
and I can't keep holding on
my hands bleeding raw
still I try to keep gripping
but all of my strength is gone
somebody notice me
somebody notice me

I'm hanging on to hope
but the high wire's unwinding
and gravity's not a friend
the wind's on the rise
and the sunlight is blinding
and everything's happening again
somebody notice me
somebody notice me

          I didn't mean to be this way
          I've tried everything I can
          but nothing works
          nothing works

I'm hanging on to hope
but I think that I'm falling
and I don't have the courage to fight
somewhere in the dark
I hear destiny calling
and I crumble into the night
somebody notice me
somebody notice me
somebody notice me
I'm still here

summer camp for sad people

Thanks to PostSecret

I miss rehab
I miss it real bad
it's like 
summer camp 
for sad people

I miss the doctors
and their bedside ways
the nurses, cooks, and clean-up
all the CNAs
I miss my therapists
Forrest and Chase
all of the friends
I can never replace 

          It's like 
          summer camp for sad people
          really, you'll have fun in rehab 
          you'll find that it ain't too bad
          summer camp for sad people
          the family I never had

Oh, it wasn't
so much misery
I mean, all my friends
would visit me
and bring me food
wrapped in a tortilla
and brownies with a little
sensemilla

          it's like
          summer camp for sad people
          yeah, I know it weren't your plan
          to evacuate in a bedpan
          summer camp for sad people
          the best friends I never had

          and when there's not enough visitors
          and you're hungry for a hug
          just remember that you're living
          where somewhere you know there's drugs

          summer camp for sad people
          an oasis that I found
          in this unhappy hipster town
          summer camp for sad people
          see you on your way back down

my van gogh period

sorry
you'll have to excuse me
I'm going through my van gogh period
I'm writing as fast as I can
when I'm like this
I think of old van g in this delirium
I shake my head and I say
"vincent, you da man!"

my brother's beatles records

sometimes I miss the childhood of
my brother's beatles records
the best friend a kid could ever have
everything was perfect on
my brother's beatles records
the rest of my life was fuckin' bad

          adults would not talk to me
          girls would not walk with me
          well, I ain't dumb
          it's plain to see
          I'm a failure with no worth
          I'm the scrum of the earth
          at the moment of my birth
          my parents should have drowned me

but thank God I stumbled upon
my brother's beatles records
the songs that I always loved so well
it's a good thing that I listened to
my brother's beatles records
the rest of my life was a living hell

          everyone would shout at me
          nobody would hang out with me
          everybody doubted me
          so I learned to doubt myself
          I did the job for everyone else
          you know what I felt
          my parents should have drowned me
          when I escaped my mother's womb
          it's too damn bad they found me

but I'm so fuckin' glad I got to hear
my brother's beatles records
plus the greatest hits
of the dave clark five
I owe everything
to my brother's beatles records
they're the only reason why I stayed alive

wrong side of bipolar

I'm on the wrong side of bipolar
so you'd better lock your door
because I'm not the kind of fella
you thought you knew before
I was friendly and I smiled
I even looked you in the eyes
well, pal, those days are over
yeah, it took me by surprise
to realize
something is wrong
with this head on my shoulders

I'm on the wrong side of bipolar
so I better zip my lips
and take the bus to walgreens
to buy ice cream, beer and chips
maybe make a stop at killer's
for some burgers and fries
I guess this is my life now
well, it took me by surprise
I closed my eyes
and felt my diabetes smolder
I'm on the wrong side of bipolar

          B-I-P-O-L-A-R
          when I wish upon a star
          I'm drinking in some side street bar
          and taking lots of drugs

I'm on the wrong side of bipolar
and I'm in trouble deep
the best that I can hope for
is to someday fall asleep
and dream of a way of knowing
exactly what to do
I dream of being human
a normal person just like you
I want life to grab me
and take me by surprise
my alibi's
in a doctor's private folder
I'm on the wrong side of bipolar
I believe it's getting colder
I'm on the wrong side
it's such a fierce ride
I'm on the wrong side of bipolar

I wouldn't want to be around me either

it's okay
I understand
I know you probably made
some other plans
I guess I thought
that we were friends
now I know that I will probably never
see you again
it's okay
I understand
I wouldn't want to be around me either

my obsessive thinking

I like to have
a variety of problems
to choose from when I start
my obsessive thinking
I know if I think hard enough
that's just how to solve them
all it takes is
my obsessive thinking
look at every little thing
from every point of view
till I can't figure out
anything that I could do
so I need a lot of problems
to make my way through
my obsessive thinking

I turned out fine

the first time it happened
was when I slammed the door
I slammed it so hard
it shook the kitchen floor
I didn't mean for it to happen
it was too loud to ignore
I remember it well
even though I was only four

he rose up from his armchair
"get over here" was his command
he yanked the belt from his pants
and snapped it with his hands
he threw me on the floor
I tried crawling to escape
I did not obey him
and that was my big mistake

          I yelled and tried to hide
          as daddy whipped me till I cried
          but he had to keep his children in line
          he did it out of love
          and now I thank the lord above
          look at me now
          I turned out fine
          I turned out fine

you asked if if I could come in
and I answered your request
now you say that it's your duty
to inform DHS
using all those highbrow words
well, I don't have time for this shit
I'm the daddy of these children
and I'll raise them as I see fit

that's the way my daddy taught me
and now I'm a full-grown man
with a good job in construction
I earn my living with my hands
so don't stand there in your fancy suit 
and tell me how to act
"spare the rod and spoil the child," man,
that's a natural fact

          I yelled and tried to hide
          as daddy whipped me till I cried
          but he had to keep his children in line
          he did it out of love
          and now I thank the lord above
          look at me now
          I turned out fine
          I turned out fine

Got an email from my old therapist

I'm not doing well emotionally and I have to go out tonight. I'm all jumpy inside, like I'm really, really nervous. I'm on edge, waiting for doom to drop right on top of me, like the way pianos and anvils fall from tall buildings onto people in New York City.

What are you talking about, farmboy?

You know. Like those old cartoons in black and white.

If you say so.

It's true! Those old cartoons with all that great rickety music. Raymond Scott. Carl Stalling in those classic Warner Brothers cartoons.

Anyway, I just took an anxiety pill and hopefully I took it soon enough that this stuff won't grow.

Was anything upsetting you?

Got an email from my old therapist. Not that it was a bad email -- he was answering an email I had sent. I had asked him about a diagnosis, and he gave me a couple of terms. But he also cautioned me that those things are mostly for insurance purposes. 

What were the terms, the diagnoses?

That word is so fuckin' funny, man. "Diagnoses!"

This is what he wrote: 

[You may have had] a Dysthymic Disorder most of your life, with Major Depressive episodes during it. I would also want to consider a Dependent Personality Disorder to help understand some of your issues in relationships.

He also said that I may be smoking too much weed and that this new doctor may have his own diagnoses about my issues.

I guess I've just never seen those things written about me. I don't disagree or anything, plus I asked him, for fuck's sake. But there they are. I really do need to take into account what my old therapist said about it mainly being for insurance purposes.

Yes, farmboy, it could be strange seeing your life's emotions boiled down into a few words.

Maybe so. There's kind of a shock at being a persons who gets diagnoses.

Which, by the way, is still a fuckin' funny word.

I always wanted to be

I always wanted to be
whatever I was not
whatever was the new thing
whatever was smokin' hot
somebody who faced adventure
without a second thought
well, now I'm old and gray and tired
and I've given all I got
Lord forgive me
for wasting all this precious time

I always wanted to be
that fella over there
tall, thin, forever twenty
with a head of handsome hair
loaded with charisma
dances like Fred Aistaire
now my time is almost over
stuck inside a wheelchair
Lord forgive me
for wasting all this precious time

I always wanted to be
a man who had a home
friends and church and family
and no hunger for the unknown
now I have to live with
all the lack of seeds I've sown
but it's all right
I'm fine here all alone
Lord forgive me
for wasting all this precious time
forgive me
I wasted all my precious time

I always wanted to be
whatever I was not

You're a pretty smart feller, Mister Interviewer

Man, I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do. I have this friend of mine -- a good friend, I've known her for years -- keeps calling me to talk about her health problems and her frustrations and her complaints and I just can't fuckin' handle it right now. I've got major, major problems going on and I'm just not any good right now at devoting my life to somebody else's problems.

I don't get it, farmboy. Does she know about your situation right now?

Yeah. I think she wants to be illness buddies and that's the last fuckin' thing I want! 

I've tried hinting around and she just doesn't fuckin' get it. I knock on my own door and tell her my neighbor needs me. It's fuckin' ridiculous.

Have you said anything to her about this? I mean actual talking, not just hinting around.

Not really. I don't want to hurt her feelings and, you know, I'm the king of passive/aggressiveness. But I'm gonna have to say something. And I don't want to be pissed off while I do it.

Here's my suggestion, farmboy. Do some thinking and come up with the kindest way you can tell her that your life is difficult right now and that sometimes you're not going to be able to give her the full support she needs. You might suggest that she call other people or even get some professional help.

I'll try to come up with something, I really will. That sounds like it could be something. You're a pretty smart feller, Mister Interviewer...

Well, thank you. farm...

Which is better than being a fart-smeller! Ha! Get it? Boy, you fell right into that one!

Thank you, ladies and germs! I'll be here all week!

Don't forget to tip your waitress.

hunter's moon 2

you've been waiting
for an entire lifetime
anticipating
well, you're going to be there soon
here comes your future
and it's throwing you a lifeline
like a cowboy with his lasso
trying to rope a hunter's moon

hunter's moon

you want something
better to happen
you want to consume your life
like ice cream from a spoon
you're up and ready now
impatient feet 
and fingers snapping
standing by your lonesome
underneath a hunter's moon

the world doesn't revolve around you

just because you think
the world revolves around you
doesn't mean that
the world revolves around you
well, I hate to burst your bubble
but you're getting too much trouble
I'm leaving on the double
that's what I'll do
because the world 
doesn't revolve around you

please don't forget me

please don't forget me
please remember my name
please acknowledge my existence
in this inhospitable terrain
if my life had turned out different
if my choices had been smarter
if I had karma, luck and money
if I had only worked a little smarter
maybe I would matter
maybe I would matter

Brian 2, the fuckin' sequel

How was meeting your new therapist, farmboy?

It had been such a hard fuckin' day, man. Every single fuckin' little thing goes wrong, just like it seems to do a lot lately. Or they. Or what-fuckin'-ever.

So I arrive at the therapist's office 15 minutes late. Of course. So I meet him. Very different from the picture on his website, not that it matters. I kinda don't like seeing pictures of potential therapists on line, 'cause that's not what I'm looking for and I don't want physical appearance to influence me.

Anyway, he was nice but very business-like. Very well organized. Which are not bad things. I just hope it's not all about business but also about...well, it would be nice to have a little compassion, a little understanding. I seem to need that.

Especially right now?

Especially right now. I've been pretty fuckin' fragile for a while, man.

So this guy, Brian 2...

Brian 2?

Brian 2, the fuckin' sequel. His name is Brian, just like the last therapist. Choice number two, the psychiatrist that doesn't do therapy, his name is Brian also. Maybe if my parents had named me Brian I'd actually have a real profession.

I hope he's good. I like how he's so down to business, but I also don't like it. Which is kind of unreasonable on my part, because it is his business. Literally.

He seems very thorough, he's got that going for him. I also like how he kind of takes charge, though I also have problems with that, too. But it all makes sense. I think that's just his way of working.

Do you have any future appointments booked with him, farmboy?

Next Wednesday, 11 a.m. One bus ride. No transfers. And there's a weed dispensary and my favorite Thai take-out place. I recommend the pad see eu with beef.

I want to finish unfinished business

So I'm meeting a new therapist in a couple hours. Maybe he won't fuckin' leave me like every other fuckin' person does.

Anyway, I need to figure out what I want to tell him. 

Okay, farmboy. What's the most important subject that you want to address?

How about all of the above?

Be serious.

I am. There's a whole lot of issues. I've got more issues than National Geographic.

The most pressing issue is the accident and its aftermath. But all these issues are connected. It all comes down to depression...mental illness. And that's been the fuckin' fact since I was a child. And I want to finish unfinished business.

This childhood shit has been fuckin' torturing me my whole fuckin' life. It's fuckin' taken everything it can from me. I'm emotionally isolated from members of my own species. I can't have close relationships. I can't even have close friends, and it's all because of all this fuckin' shit that I can't even fuckin' remember.

What else? Self-medication. I have to self-medicate all the time. I can't find any better alternative.

I'd also like to know some diagnosis stuff. I'd like to know what the fuck I have. I want to address medications. I want totalk about the chance that I may be bipolar.

Or maybe I'm just fucked.

if there is good news

if there is good news
you know that I'd choose
to somehow ignore it
I've had good news before
it always turns to bad

hide the evidence

quick
now
before we get in trouble
hide the evidence
no one needs to know
it's sick
how
to do it
while you're seeing double
hide the evidence
in that secret place you go
to when you need someone to hold you
and there ain't no one around
when the blues try to control you
and the whole world's turning you down
you're safe and sound
hide the evidence
hide the evidence

I don't want to think

time to smoke that marijuana
time to inhale ativan
time to eat a plate of French fries
with a cold beer in my hand
time for that Kentucky whiskey
pour me another drink
'cause I don't want to think