one step ahead

all my life I've been living

one step short of disaster

I know it's on its way

I thought I took all my emotions

and put them out to pasture

but they've coming back today

I worry about

everything outside my mind

all of the problems and fears

I could've left behind

I can't run fast enough

to outrun the words that I said

but I'm one step ahead

I am afraid of everything

the future might hold for me

I'm shaking in fear

I'm tired of this fight

it's getting old for me

I need to disappear

I worry about

the deeds I've left undone

I live in fear

over what I've become

I'm drowning fast

in oceans of regret

but I'm one step ahead

I pray that someday

I'll find some kind of peace

but I'm not holding my breath

I've thought that maybe

my sorrow will cease

and there'll be nothing left

I worry about 

what I can't control

the state of sheer panic

that's surrounding my soul

but still I keep on

working for my daily bread

just one step ahead

doing what has to be done

I went out walking

got to get my feet moving

I need to get my heart rate up

I feel my health improving

with every step I take

on this sidewalk of cement

I tend to be careful

I don't want an accident

it's just me

out in the midday sun

doing what has to be done

I started listening

to the voices of my heart

I know they have the answers

but I don't know where to start

so I keep on listening

there's so much I need to hear

if I didn't have these voices

I think I might disappear

it's just me

looking out for number one

doing what has to be done

          I can't live

          the way I did before

          so I'm heading out

          I've opened the back door

I stopped pretending

that I know the things I do

instead I search for reasons

now I'm depending on you

to show me the way

I'm hoping you know

I need to find out

which direction to go

I feel like it's ending

but I know it's just begun

I'm just doing what has to be done

people dance

people dance

it's natural to do

you feel good

so your body moves

side to side

up and down

in biker dives

on the wrong side of town

it's a lot of fun

once you give it a chance

people dance

I just want to be with you

I don't want to talk on the phone

I don't need to read a text

I don't want to be alone

I won't settle for second best

I just want to be with you

right here

right now

I don't care how

I just want to be with you

in person

right here

I want your body near

what can I do

I just want to be with you

I don't want a greeting card

I won't read a personal letter

all I know is life is hard

and with you it would be better

I just want to be with you

in the present

not the past

I want our love to last

I just want to be with you

right by my side

God knows I've tried

but I don't know what to do

I just want to be with you

I can't get out of bed

I don't want to get out of bed in the morning

so I stay there until the afternoon

everything is so depressing and sad now

and it won't be changing any time soon

so I lie there with the fan on

because it's too damn hot

I could be counting my blessings

but I can't be someone I'm not

there's too much noise in my head

and I can't get out of bed

there's no reason to face the day ahead

so I'll pretend that it doesn't exist

there's no way I'm going to face the morning

on a sad and hot day like this

the temperature is nearing 100

and this apartment ain't got no AC

my core temperature is rising

and it's getting the better of me

I wish it were winter instead

and I can't get out of bed

I don't know what I'm going to do now

sure as hell I ain't going outside

I'm drinking a whole lot of water

but my depression just won't subside

so I think I'm just going to get loaded

maybe then I won't feel so bad

take lots of long cool showers

and try now to be so sad

I need something for my aching head

and I can't get out of bed

time keeps moving

time keeps moving

but I'm not improving

I'm stuck in the same old place

searching with questions

do I have to mention

I'm falling behind in this race

but still I keep running

looking for something

for easing my troubled mind

I don't know where it's hiding

but it's not surprising

that I don't know what I'll find

time keeps passing

its speed everlasting

I try, but I just can't keep up

my feelings are tired

but still they're inspired

I can't stress this enough

but these dreams I will keep

I can't fall asleep

in this hot and humid night

so I will seek action

and some satisfaction

in knowing I'll never be right

time's getting short now

I never will know how

but somehow I know I'll keep trying

making my way now

it'll come any day now

in spite of all my denying

I don't need permission

to sit back and listen

to the noise inside my brain

it's nothing to worry

I ain't in no hurry

I know it will turn out the same

so good to see you

it is so good to see you

return to the world

after all of your time away

sounding so healthy

so happy 

so fine

I didn't know if

I'd ever see the day

and now here you are

confident and sure

your fingers are tapping

your voice is so pure

you've grown since way back then

it is so good to see you

again

train of thought

I lost my train of thought

it was just here a minute ago

I think it was something important

something you'd want to know

but my thoughts, they just vanished

into the thinnest of air

I thought they were intelligent and honest

but now I just don't care

funny thing about thoughts

now they're here

now they're gone

leaving me without a northern star

that I can wish upon

but another thought will come

to replace the one left behind

life is filled with my many thoughts

drifting in and out of your mind

but I'm sure the thought I was thinking

was impressively smart and profound

and for one second I had it

it was just kind of spinning around

somehow it just disappeared

I thought it was my friend

so I'll just give up on my thinking

until the next thought comes again

start all over again

I didn't know

what to do with my life

so I decided

to start all over again

I got out of bed

shaking my head

ignoring the message

that I never will win

I made my first decision

with faith and precision

I put on the coffee to brew

I sat at the table

and as long as I was able

I didn't think about you

good luck is a stranger

good luck is a stranger to me

it passes without saying hello

if you ask me, here's what I'd say

it's something that I don't know

I work everyday

but luck doesn't come my way

it disappears like day into night

I know it's true

that luck doesn't come to you

but I always have the feeling it might

yesterday I played to win

everything went my way

but that does't mean a thing

when it comes to what happens today

I work all the time

but the future's not kind

it takes away all that I need

but today's not the same

and I won't be to blame

today's the day I'm going to be freed

good luck is a stranger to me

it's gone like a ship in the night

I cannot depend on it happening

mostly, it hides out of sight

but one day I will find

luck won't leave me behind

it won't be something I've missed

problem is, though,

good luck is one thing I know

is something that doesn't exist

good luck is a stranger to me

it passes without saying hello

maybe I'm sad

maybe I'm sad

maybe I don't see anything good

as I walk through the neighborhood

everything is bad

maybe I'm sad

maybe I'm blue

maybe the lies I tell myself aren't true

maybe they're all concerning you

I don't know what to do

maybe I'm blue

          maybe the reasons I had

          for being alive

          have gone

          somewhere I don't know

          where could they go

          but beyond

maybe I'm lost

maybe I'm running in circles to find

the love that I once left behind

it's too high a cost

maybe I'm lost

maybe I'm broken

by words that were said in anger

and all I can do is just hang here

with the sentences spoken

maybe I'm broken

          maybe the reasons I had

          for sticking around

          have passed

          all of my hopeful thoughts

          have all taken flight

          at last

maybe I'm sad

maybe everything I've ever needed

have left me here defeated

I've never felt this bad

maybe I'm sad

part of the machine

another day

I'm late for work

I've got to hurry up

waking up late

I need more sleep

I never get enough

shut the alarm 

shave the face

drink some Listerine

the working day

it will not wait

you're part of the machine

down the stairs

out the door

time to start the day

take the train

into the city

you don't have right-of-way

down your throat

you will coat

with well-needed caffeine

time to go

you must know

you're part of the machine

safe at work

cubicle

you're frazzled but you're fine

punch the time clock

just be glad

you got to work on time

one more day

in loserville

the world outside is mean

but you'll get through it

'cause you know

you're part of the machine

I don't care

I don't care

what life throws at me today

I just figure

it's going to happen anyway

all the worry

all the fear

I know it

won't disappear

but I'm gonna make it

out of here

someway

I don't care 

what my troubles say

I don't know

what life has in store for me

but I guess 

I'm going to turn around to see

all my problems

wait outside

but I'm not going to

run and hide

I'm just going to

take that ride

wait and see

I'm not afraid 

of trouble coming for me

          all my life

          trouble has had the upper hand

          it's my life

          trouble has no right to stand

I don't care

about what tomorrow may bring

all I know

is that worry doesn't solve anything

I am strong now

I won't lose

I belong now

it's what I choose

I am not

a victim of the blues

that's for sure

I don't care

I can't be the way I was before

trouble cannot touch me

anymore

master class

I could teach a master class

on how to be sad

I could teach millions

how to feel bad

first you isolate

don't talk to anyone else

hole up in your apartment

talk amongst yourself

don't open the front door

don't think of being free

I could teach a master class

on how to be me

you could take my master class

if you're too happy and sane

just take a look around you

find someone to blame

I could teach you how to criticize

the human that you are

and teach you guilt and envy

that'll get you far

into pain and sorrow

and worries that don't end

I could teach a master class

I hope that you attend

in this brand new master class

you'll find out all the ways

to trap the soul inside you

and throw all the good away

I'll teach you how to panic

I'll teach you how to fret

I'll teach you all the things

you'd just as soon forget

you'll take notes in every session

you'll be acing all your tests

I could teach a master class

'cause I do sad the best

starlight hangs

starlight hangs in galaxies

higher than the sky

darker than an anarchist 

on the Fourth of July

starlight shines in silver

white and turquoise blue

tonight starlight is hanging

only for you

starlight hangs on hidden threads

invisible to your eyes

starlight will stun you

within its surprise

and when you finally see it

you will blossom at the sight

starlight is hanging

over you tonight

tonight starlight exists for you

to recognize its beauty

with fire and light burning bright

it does its nightly duty

illuminating darkness

in the heavens up above

tonight starlight is hanging

filling you with love

tell the truth

tell the truth

when you talk to yourself

tell the truth

it's good for your mental health

everyday

is another day

to be who you are

to find out 

what you're really about

so far

tell the truth

when you're lost in thought

tell the truth

more often than not

you'll be fine

holy wine

is in your cup

drink it down

you will find

that it's enough

          life is so much easier

          when you're honest

          the day holds for you

          nothing but promise

tell the truth

in all you do

tell the truth

when you don't have a clue

you will find

that in time

you'll be succeeding

all this time

it's just truth

that you've been needing

you're alive

you'll survive

you will be

living proof

being true's

right for you

tell the truth

everything is a secret

everything is a secret

don't let any information out

you must remain quiet

that's what it's all about

nothing can be known

it all must remain inside

keep it to yourself

silence must not be denied

everything is a secret

even if it's only to yourself

secrets will protect you

from your failing mental health

look and you will find it

so it's better not to try

truth is overrated

honesty is a lie

everything is a secret

do your best not to hear

the closer you get to it

the more you disappear

treat it like an enemy

keep it close at hand

everything is a secret

one day you'll understand

if I had another chance

if I had another chance

to be with you

I would take it

I'd know this time 

just what to do

I don't need to fake it

bygones are bygones

that's what they say

me, I don't know

any other way

I'd make a love brand new

if I had another chance

to be with you

I made mistakes

too many

this is why I apologize

I look for love

where I can't see any

I can't look you in the eyes

all that I've said

I take it back

from now on I'm rolling

on the right track

this time I know what to do

if I had another chance 

to be with you

this time I've learned

from all the wrong

that I have done

I've known the answer

all along

and I've only begun

all of the reasons

don't add up to much

what I wouldn't give

for only one touch

tris time I'll be true

if I had another chance

to be with you

I don't want to get up

I don't want to get up anymore

I want to lie in bed all day

I'm scared of what the world will offer

and I have to stay away

so I will lie there 

until the afternoon

hoping the evening 

will be coming soon

and I won't have to worry

about the day ahead

I'll just take off my slippers

and go back to bed

I don't want to wake up from this dream

I feel safe and warm in its arms

it's not a nightmare and it's so nice

and it doesn't mean me any harm

so I will stay asleep

please don't wake me up

I have seen real life

and I believe I've had enough

I don't want to rise

that's what I said

so I'll take these blankets

and put them over my head

I don't know what I'm going to do

about this bad habit of mine

I know it's good to stay in bed

but not all the time

take my hands

guide me up from this bed

so I can do

some living instead

I cannot live

like I have before

but I don't want to get up

anymore

let's pretend

let's pretend we have no problems

like everything will turn out right

just for today, we will live life

like we're a stick of dynamite

all this joy lies out before us

on this very special day

where we pretend we have no worries

like everything will be okay

leave your troubles till tomorrow

trouble will always be at hand

for once, you can take the day off

you always do the best you can

so don't fret about the future

you'll never know what you will find

better days are coming someday

so you can ease your worried mind

I know this may be hard for you

you've always lived like you're afraid

thinking about what could happen

scared that you'll get in the way

I'm here to tell you you're mistaken

that life could be your closest friend

you may think there's only bad times

but I know good times will come again

so let's pretend we have no problems

just for one day in our lives

we can imagine all is good now

that's how most of us survive

take a look over the horizon

there's something new for you to see

and let's pretend that it's all better

and that's the way it will be

that's where I'm going today

today I am going away

where you can't bother me anymore

I've realized I can't stay

in the place where I was before

so I'm leaving

I'll be gone

you are left

to carry on

and I will be here

far away

that's where I'm going today

I am leaving my home

it's fading in the rear view mirror

you may see me all alone

but I can't see any clearer

it's my life

I will claim it

my life is wild

but I will tame it

it may be hard

but that's okay

that's where I'm going today

          I don't know what waits for me

          when I'm on the other side

          I thought it was dire straits for me

          in a place where I can't hide

I will not be here

when you look for me, I'll be gone

I will disappear

on this road I walk upon

don't look for me

I won't be in sight

don't worry about me

I'll be all right

I'm finally out

and on my way

that's where I'm going today

walk back home

I went out walking

the sun, it was high

as high as could be

and so was I

but that's okay

I got nothing to do

except walk back home

to you

I am a stranger

to luck and its ways

I have seen many

brighter days

but that's all right

I got nothing to choose

except walk back home

to you

          all my tomorrows

          will shine brighter

          with you at my side

          our love will grow

          firmer and tighter

          on this earthly ride

give me a reason

I know that you will

my empty heart

is what I'd like you to fill

and that's a good thing

it's all brand new

when I walk back home

to you

these blues

I am drunk with worry

I cannot stand up

no matter what I do

it's just not good enough

so I think I'll just lay here

in my bed all day

maybe if I do nothing

these blues will go away

I am looking inward

to see what I can find

trying to see that part of me

that got left behind

I don't think much with my brain

I always choose my heart

maybe if I do nothing

these blues will depart

          help me please

          I'm falling

          down in deep despair

          I am finding out

          how it feels down there

I am scared of living

in a world where souls collide

I want to find out what it's like

to see the other side

I've stayed too long in one place

I need to leave my home

maybe if I do nothing

these blues will leave me alone

so I've given up

I don't expect to recover

if it's not one thing,

it sure as hell is another

I will make it out of here

sure as my Christian name

maybe if I do nothing

these blues will stay the same

no time to borrow

life is okay for a while

when you're healthy and young

but it doesn't prepare you

for what will become

when you start losing people

when their living is through

and you know someday

death will be looking for you

I try to live in the present

in the here and now

I've heard it's possible

but I don't know how

I try not to worry

I try not to fret

but lost in the moment

sometimes I forget

          so hold me now

          let me pretend today

          that it'll all be okay

          and that the sun will rise tomorrow

          hold me close

          help me to allow

          what's happening now

          I have no time to borrow

look at the news

it's all going wrong

we are not living

the way we can belong

this world is hard

the going gets rough

and the problem is life

isn't long enough

          so hold me now...

I look into your eyes

and you look into mine

both of us are looking

for ways to be kind

I know that somedy

we'll both disappear

but for right now

it's good that you're here

          so hold me now...

boulder

I will push this boulder

to the top of the hill

even if it takes all day

maybe I can do it

I know that I will

if somebody shows me the way

maybe use a pick-up

or some kind of truck

plus a measure or two

of fortune's good luck

I can do it

I know I can

the future is now

the time is at hand

I will push this boulder

all the way down

when the time is right

maybe late afternoon

right before

the day turns into the night

it just takes some doing

not too much force

just determination

to follow the course

of events that I

may never understand

the future is now

the time is at hand

I will push this boulder

as far as it goes

I am not pretending

I can't move mountains

but you know I can try

to make it to the ending

one more push

I stretch and I strain

trying to hurry

so I won't be to blame

I'll see that boulder

go back to the land

the future is now

the time is at hand

what I can do

it's all so confusing

this life that I live

I don't know who to condemn

and who to forgive

the questions are present

they're hanging around

but answers are hiding

nowhere to be found

          all of my problems

          are old and brand new

          but still I keep trying

          it's what I can do

my thoughts are uneven

my green lights are red

it's morning but I

want to go back to bed

I overthink everything

I worry and fret

but more and more trouble

is all that I get

          I started out happy

          and ended up blue

          but still I keep trying

          it's what I can do

all of these words

that I write on the page

will disappear

with the coming of age

but still they keep coming

they don't know when to stop

if I keep trying maybe

I'll end up on top

          this life I've been living

          is pulling me through

          but still I keep trying

          it's what I can do

novel

I have spent my life

writing this novel

which no one will read

but that's okay

still I keep working

with all of these words

I organize letters

till there's something to say

this is what I do

I sit down and type

and I do my best

I write what I know

a story about

a man and his future

where nothing happens

and nowhere to go

there are no happy endings

try as I might

no matter what happens

conflict occurs

action verbs

lost in translation

sentences broken

spelling insecure

and still I write

even though you won't read it

God only knows

if I'll ever be through

but I will continue

writing this story

because that is all

I know how to do

just another day

it's the Fourth of July

and it's just another day

I'm at home alone

and there's nothing good to say

folks are grilling hot dogs

and drinking ice cold beer

but there's nothing fun to eat

in my refrigerator here

I suppose I could do something

but I'm not going to right now

I'm just going to feel bad

'cause depression's taught me how

people eat potato salad

and party with their friends

me, I'm just waiting

for this day to end

give me Easter Sunday

give me Christmas day

give me any other

of this world's holidays

I hate being alone

when everybody's having fun

but for me, days of fiendship

have been here and done

it's the Fourth of July

and it's just another day

there's nothing here to do

and nothing left to say

you all have a good time

I'm staying here at home

having yet another holiday

I have to spend alone

breathing

I listen to my breathing
I want to feel calm

but trouble is inside me

ticking like a bomb

I can feel it coming

like a crest upon a wave

why do my emotions

have to misbehave

I listen for the footsteps

walking down the hall

but all I hear is silence

there is no sound at all

I always live in conflict

it fits me like a glove

preventing me from pleasure

separating me from love

so, where then do I wander

what is there to see

I feel unhappiness brewing

deep inside of me

time to sound the warning

it is time now not to feel

any way I turn now

is an unfair deal

I listen to my breathing

hoping that it helps

me to find a reason

to take care of myself

I can feel it coming

there is nothing I can do

in my time of darkness

all I seek is you

Cezanne's blues

turpentine and linseed oil

brushes made of horsehair

the smell of oil paints

take control of the air

so many colors to decide on

so many textures to choose

so much living goes into

looking at Cezanne's blues

the mountains and the ocean

the fields and the sky

the houses in the valley

all live in Cezanne's eyes

all beauty is a mystery

in rich and tender hues

you can see the world go by

when you look at Cezanne's blues

my hands are misshapen 

they do not know to touch

my fingers are all awkward

I cannot hold a brush

but my heart can see the power

it knows it cannot lose

as I wonder at the world

I see in Cezanne's blues

progress is slow (rewrite 1)

progress is slow

it barely even moves

it flows like molten lava

one drop at a time

progress is slow

it never improves

as it rises to the surface

of the back of your mind

trouble, on the other hand,

thinks it can outsmart us

but it only works to part us

in ways we can't ignore

but progress is slow

it barely knows we're here

it's like we've disappeared

while stll looking for more

progress is slow

you hardly can see it

hiding in the distance

nearly out of sight

progress is slow

you can try to free it

as it pushes us onward

into the light

trouble, on the other hand,

keeps us on the ground

neither safe nor sound

it holds us in its grasp

but progress is slow

it fools us with its hiding

but all along it's deciding

that in time trouble will pass

progress is slow

but I can feel it breathing

out from the shadows

to show its face

progress is slow

so you start to believing

it is there in the future

of the human race

progtress is slow