I don't even know how to kill myself

farmboy! Where have you been? I've been worried about you.


You were right to be worried. Man, I feel like I've got it all: I don't know how I'm gonna make it through this summer -- this month! -- and I'm feeling guilty 'cause nothing I ever do is enough.  And I feel hopeless because I feel like nothing I ever do has any positive consequences, which, by the way, I know isn't true. It's the depression talking. And it just feels so fuckin' overwhelming, man.


I'm just way, way into my own head, man, too much. I isolate myself and, fuck, it's like a drug and it possesses me when I get around people, you know?


Have you been isolating yourself, farmboy?


Some days. I forced myself to go out tonight and last night to do music things. And they were okay but, again, I'm living too much in my own fucked-up head and it makes it hard to fully engage with other people. I'm glad I went , though. Action, man. I need actions.


The money thing is serious and scary. I'm trying...I did get to book a gig today. One of those senior citizens' places. They called me! I had sent them my promo sheet. The gig's not until next month, but it's a gig. I'm thankful.


But I tell you, man, I sure could use some weed. 


You don't have any?


I can't afford to smoke like I used to. I took what I had and put it with my stuff in my brother's basement. So I get a little bit now and then. And, to be honest, it hasn't been bad being without it. But sometimes, man, sometimes it would fuckin' help. But I don't like this smoking it every day like I've been doing. Not just the financial part, though that's certainly the main motivator. I hate being that dependent on anything.


So, farmboy...are you okay? Is there any way I can help?


It just helps knowing that you're here, man. Am I okay? I think so. I just have to figure out some strategies. I'm not gonna commit suicide, if that's what you mean. I don't even know how to kill myself.


That's a good thing. Do you think about it?


Sometimes. But I'll never do it because of my niece. I don't want my brother or his wife to have to explain it to her.


Listen, man, I'll be fine. And if I'm not...well, I have your number and I have other people's numbers. I have the knowledge that there are people who care about me, who love me. I don't know why, but they do. Thank God.


You call me, okay? Any time, day or night.


I will, man.


Promise?


(laughs)  Yeah. I promise.