So fuckin' fucked up

Oh, man...


What's up, farmboy?


I have completely wasted today. I have done nothing. All I've done is hang out on the internet  and sleep. I've only played one song on the guitar, and I forced myself to do that. And what's really weird is that I barely even felt guilty about it.


Maybe you needed to rest, farmboy. Were you tired? What did you do yesterday? I know you went out for the Fourth of July.


Yesterday was an interesting day. It was kinda, well, intense in a strange way. I told you that I got this grant to play music for children with disabilities, right? I went for the first one this summer and it was fuckin' great. It was one of those moments when you surprise yourself, you know? I gave this energetic performance and I could see the joy in some of these children at the sound of music. Which is something that I greatly relate to, of course.


Then after that, I heard this song that just knocked me flat. It was by this guy named El-P and I think it was called something like "From Your Upstairs Neighbor." I heard it on a podcast and I kept going back so I could hear it again. For hours I was affected by this song. I have not had that happen for a long time.


Then I went to the songwriters' night at the coffeehouse. I socialized and I performed. I made myself perform. It was a good night. It was a good day, man.


So you had what sounds like a pretty big day yesterday. Give yourself a break and forgive yourself. The stuff you need to do can be done tomorrow.


I guess it'll be okay. I guess. It was so strange, though, it was like I just accepted it. Usually I'd feel way guilty. 


You sound like you're feeling guilty now about not feeling guilty.


(laughs)  Maybe that's what it is. Man, I am so fuckin' fucked up sometimes.


No you're not, farmboy. Come on! Give yourself a break. 


That's what I did today: I gave myself a break.


It's fine, farmboy. No need to panic.


Okay, okay. Tomorrow will come soon enough. I still need to play some guitar, though. Right?


Only if you want.


I'm going to. It'll make me feel better. Plus I need all the playing I can get. And, oh yeah, it's fun and satisfying.