if I committed suicide

if I committed suicide
think of the fun I would have
watching you feel guilty
oh, it would be such a laugh 
you'd be up long past midnight
crying "Oh no! What did I do!"
and what would be really hilarious
is that it wasn't about you

If I committed suicide
I doubt many people would care
unless, perhaps, after the funeral
you were fed chocolate eclairs
of which I have put in poison
(no one would guess it was me)
I'd watch everyone puke their guts out
and I'd be laughing with glee

           and from my station in heaven
           I'd have a front row seat
           it would be like TV every night
           watching you be unable to sleep

if I committed suicide
your suffering would have no end
you'd spend all your days and nights thinking
"I should have treated him as my friend"
maybe then you'd have a taste
of all the tears I cried
oh you'd be wrong
but I'd be right
if I committed suicide