Life compass 2: future plans

Parenting: For me, this is more about working with and being around children. I'd like to be more comfortable around children (hell, I'd like to be more comfortable around everybody); I'd like to have more patience around them too.

Personal growth: Yes, please, and supersize it. I would like to feel connections with other people. I'd like to be less afraid and lonely. I'd like to feel comfortable in my own skin. I'd like to not have to feel so self-conscious all the time. I don't want to be afraid to like people. I want to find out who I really am and see what I can choose.

Leisure: I would really like to find something active and physical that I like to do. I would like to be outside more. I want to have the concentration to read a book again. I would like to find something that I would enjoy doing with other people.

Spirituality: This, I hope, is actually in pretty good shape. I would like to trust what I believe in more. This could be the conversation between me and God:

          Me: Quick, God, help me! The sky is falling!

          God:: Okay. (God fixes everything)

          Me: Quick, God, help me! The sky is falling again!

          (Repeat forever)

Health: I want to be not-fat. I want to be able to move freely. I want to be free of the need to eat all the fuckin' time. I want to eat healthy. One positive thing is that I've made good progress, but I want and need to make more. Also, I need to start looking at mental health and illness as a real thing and not some self-absorbed time waster. I actually have to convince myself of the importance of my own mental health. Sheesh.

Work: I want to work somewhere where I feel like I'm doing good for people and that lets me use my talents. I want a job where I'm treated with respect. I want a job where I don't have to feel afraid and a job I don't dread going to every single fuckin' morning. I want this. I can't continue where I work. It's gonna get really, really bad for me if I do. I mean, really bad.

Community and environment: I really would like to feel part of a community. I am part of the folk music community here in Portland, and that's where most of my friends come from. But I'd also like to be part of the world around me. I would love to live some place rural. I would like to be more involved with nature.

Family relationships: This actually goes pretty well for me. I would like to see my siblings and relatives in California more -- at least once a year at the family reunion. I hate that I have to lose weight to see them; not because of what any of them say but because I'm too fuckin' fat to go on an airplane.

Intimate relationships: I can't imagine that I'll ever be well enough to ever have them. Remember, I was sentenced to solitary confinement as a child.

Social relationships: I never really learned to make friends as a child and it's hard for me. I would really like to not be afraid to be close to people. It's really scary to me. But I've seen first-hand the damage that isolation can do. I'm sure I will always require more time alone than most. But I really need friends. I need to be close to people. I don't want to be alone all the time anymore. I want to feel like I'm a human being. I don't want to feel like a freak anymore. I want to belong .

Art and creativity: This will always be the main focus of my life. I want to get past the damage that happened to me when I wanted to be musical as a child. I want to be as unafraid in my songwriting. I want to write the unwritable. Is "unwritable" even a word?