mailbox

I am a mailbox
I am a constant source
of disappointment to you
I want to serve you
I don't want to unnerve you
but what can I do?

it's not my fault
nobody writes you
your old friends slight you
no one invites you
it's not my fault
but I know you'd like to
kick me to the side of the road

I am a mailbox
an unfriendly reminder
and a home for regret
I've got nothing to sell you
but someone should tell you
there's this thing called 
the internet

it's not my fault
we've all got computers
mac freaks and rebooters
trivial pursuiters  
it's not my fault
that you need to be cuter
to have all those presentable friends

I am a mailbox
my flag is up
and my door's always open
you say that I'm useless
but, in fact, the truth is
you just can't give up hoping

life of a tree

you were a seed
a long, long time ago
your only needs
were water and the sun
between soil and sky
was your earthly home
and the life of a tree
had begun

fall freezes to winter
winter thaws into spring
and you pay attention
to all that surrounds you
soon branches and leaves
and birds on the wing
in the life of a tree
nature astounds you

young leaves grow green
and wave in the wind
but old ones turn orange
and crimson and brown
come autumn they'll never
rest on branches again
in the life of a tree
colors fall down

but spring comes again
and up rise the flowers
and the birds and squirrels
children growing like weeds
you witness the mystery
of sunshine and showers
in the life of a tree
that began with a seed

so sad

I am so sad
I am bored with being so sad
there must be something else than feeling bad
and I'm gonna find out what it is

I am so blue
it's not easy being so blue
miles davis, he was kind of blue, too
still, he made it in the music biz

supply of good intentions

everyone's planning their future
I've got no future to plan
because everybody's younger than me
and I am an old, old man
my supply of good intentions
was more than the demand
and the hardest part of everything
is nobody understands

like they do in the movies

let's kiss 
like they do in the movies
let's live like the rock stars
we really should have been
instead of ending up
in the mess we're in
let's pretend
everything will be okay
like it is in the movies

same old story

I am confused
I don't know who I am
so everyone is doing it for me
saying
go left
no, right
do not go gentle
into that good night
every day the same old story

but I will

I've been walking backwards
retracing my steps
trying to find the way
back to myself
I've lost so many times
I wouldn't place no bets
I ain't no poster child
for mental health

          oh, give me faith
          give me hope
          I'm sliding down
          some slippery slope
          I keep saying yes
          while my heart cries no
          not now
          I don't know how
          but I will

I've been crying 
barrels of tears
I'm dehydrated 
a human cactus tree
I know I'm homeward bound
but I took the long way around
shackled and chained
to being free

          oh, give me hope
          give me dreams
          tell me that the future
          ain't as bleak
          as it seems
          I keep saying no
          while my heart cries yes
          right now
          I don't know how
          but I will
          I don't know how
          but I will

various lines

I'm trying to be nice
so don't come near me

I was driving through
the flyover states

you make me cry
when I think of you

Making noise

So, man,I been writing up a storm lately. I haven't been social at all, with all the therapies and the classes and being a fuckin' weirdo. But I been writing so much that I don't even devote much time to doing arrangements. I'm just gonna keep on writing like...you know those days when I get real sad and I'm crying on and off all day? That's how it can be with writing sometimes.

It must be a great release to be able to express yourself in music, farmboy. I'm a little envious, I must admit.

I'm really fortunate. Real lucky. Blessed, even. I love writing songs, creating music. Making noise.

It's just that some sounds are more pleasing to my ears than others. Noise is just another way of referring to sound. It can be judgmental.

As in "that's not music, that's just noise?"

Yeah, that kind of shit. I hate that. I try to keep an open mind, but I feel like I'm exploring my own musical instincts rather than paying attention to others. You'd be amazed how little music I listen to.

It's hard.There's an awful lot of music out there, farmboy.

Yeah, but I know my trust in my own music is growing, and there's an awful lot of music in there.

allergic to the telephone

hi
you called my number
but I ain't home
leave a message 
at the sound of the tone
maybe I'll call you back
maybe not
it's unknown
I'm allergic to the telephone

I'll tell you a little secret
I'm really right here
with a pipe of low-grade indica
and some lukewarm local beer
look, here comes self-pity
cue the sad trombone
I'm allergic to the telephone

          I haven't gone into hiding
          that's not what I'm about
          I just like to spend my evenings
          with the lights completely out

hi
leave your number
leave your message
leave your name
make it good and snappy
and be sure to entertain
I'm spending the evening
with my best friend 
all alone
I'm allergic to the telephone
I'm allergic to the telephone

getting out

I don't want to make sense anymore
I don't want to be logical
I don't like present tense anymore
hopeful thinking is a crock of bull
damn near impossible
one thing I know for sure is
I'm getting out
I'm getting out
I'm getting out of here

someone explain my life to me
like it's something I deserve
I've got a brain to think and eyes to see
but I'm stuck here on dead man's curve
you got a lot of nerve 
roads are icy and the tires swerve
one thing I know for sure is
I'm getting out
I'm getting out

          I'm moving on
          I'm history
          where I belong
          is a mystery
          but there's got to be
          something inside of me
          I still need to find

I am nothing that I want to be
I am closed when I should be open
I should have come with a warranty
because all I am is broken
I want to give up hoping
move to Hoboken
sell subway tokens
but someone else has spoken
saying
I'm getting out
I'm getting out
I'm getting out of here

depressed

the phone don't ring
the sun don't shine
the birds don't sing
and my poems don't
make any sense
but in my defense
I'm just really depressed

people talkin'

it doesn't matter, does it
people talkin' about creating change
but everything will remain the same
'cause that's the way things go
money talks and people listen
and think that they can give permission
but in the end, my life is my decision
or at least I'm hoping so

gonna get hurt

I need to convince myself
that nothing really matters
that everything is hopeless
that dreams are wasted time
because I'm not
gonna get hurt again
gonna get hurt again
gonna get hurt like I got hurt before

I need to remind myself
that I am always wrong
that I am always guilty
that I do not deserve
because I'm not
gonna get hurt again
gonna get hurt again
gonna get hurt like
I've always got hurt before

          so I can't be with people
          and I can't talk with people
          and I can't care like other people care
          because there's no real person there
          there's only me
          with a borrowed personality

I'm not gonna get hurt again
gonna get hurt again
gonna get hurt like a million times before
I'm not gonna get hurt again
gonna get hurt again
I'm never gonna get hurt
no more

let's go to the movies

let's go to the movies
show me something I've never seen
tiny feelings on a giant screen
something that aches
with regret and mistakes
do you know what I mean?

let's go to the movies
I'm sick and tired of this lousy joint
show me something that has a point
of view I can understand
with a big gulp of root beer
buttered popcorn in my hand

I don't want too think about 
the world anymore
I just want it to be
like it was before
I'm afraid to step outside my door
these days
I don't know what I'm gonna see
I don't like the hatred and bigotry
and this anger rising up inside of me
I don't like what's going on with me
these days

lets go to the movies
a comedy, for damn sure
maybe with that Adam Sandler
he always makes me laugh
and laughter's what I need right now
I feel storm clouds brewing
let me ask you
what are we doing
let me ask you
what we have done

cruisin' to the multiplex
city lights out on the horizon
radio plays that old creedence song'
"I see a bad moon a-rising"*

*last line by John Fogerty, of course.

tiny trees

I don't want to think about
psychopathic tendencies
that I'm sure to find
inside of me
or news about the situation
with our brand new racist administration
I want to think whatever I please
Bob Ross paintings with those tiny trees
but here I am
21st century
and the question gets louder every year
how the hell did we get here?
how the hell did we get here?
how the hell did we get here?

give me facebook
give me twitter
social media for my babysitter
shiny toys with foreign glitter
I ain't bitter, no
I ain't bitter
I'm American and it's plain to see
everything needs to revolve around me
everything must obey
the almighty dollar in the USA
but here we are 
21st century
asking the same question every year
how the hell did we get here?
how the hell did we get here?
how the hell did we get here?

          most people work their lives away
          while the economy collapses
          I've even heard some presidents
          don't even have to pay their taxes

how the hell did we get here?
how the hell did we get here?
how the hell did we get here?

saving my suicide

I'm saving my suicide
for someone who deserves it
I want to get the highest mileage
out of my self-imposed death

I'm not racist

I thought you were a friend
how could I have been so wrong
I never should have believed
the messages of your songs
I  never would
have let you in
if I knew you hated
the color of my shin
so go ahead
hang out with your racist buddies
keep on feeding the savage beast
keep on screaming and whining
like a buzzard waiting for the feast
saying
I'm not racist
I'm not racist
I'm not racist
I believe in love and peace

I give up

I give up
there's no need
to do everything
I'm supposed to do
eat your vegetables
pay your taxes
to hell with that noise
I'm all through

it just ain't worth it anymore
it just ain't worth it anymore

go buy groceries
chocolate chip ice cream
fritos
cheetos
chips and queso
lots of pots
of mac and cheese
extra bacon
if I say so

it just ain't worth it anymore
it just ain't worth it anymore

I don't have to
comb my hair
I don't have to change
my underwear
I don'y have to
mind my p's and q's
all night I'll party
all day I'll snooze
I don't have to
atone for my sins
I don't have to put up
with republicans
I don't have to
drink eight glasses of water
I don't have to live
like I'm being 
put out to slaughter
put out to slaughter

I give up
this is the end
goodbye family
goodbye friends
maybe I'll see you
if I return
but for now I'll take
all that I've learned
and sail away
to some fart-off coast 
what can I say?
adios

it just ain't worth it anymore
it just ain't worth it anymore

no doubt (two versions)

written as an assignment for Outpatient Mental Health

version one:

if I got rid of all the doubt
I've been nourishing all these years
I could let go and live without
this crippling and soul-choking fear
what will I use to replace the doubt?
real friends with real conversations
and anything my heart explores
through my rich imagination

version two

if I got rid of all the doubt
I've been nourishing all these years
I could let go and live without
this crippling and soul-choking fear
what will I use to replace the doubt?

what would work best of all?

consuming massive amounts

of drugs and alcohol

ain't it amazing

I'm living in a house of cards
I'm renting the penthouse suite
the view of these city lights
oh, man, they can't be beat
there's central park
there's atomic power
there's that great big Chinese wall
there's that sky high Dubai tower
gives us a view of the universe
for our consumer enjoyment
built by humans treated as slaves
some call it economically efficient employment
oh, look at them working
such a inexpensive crew
look over there
isn't that a beautiful pool?
ain't it amazing
what us human beings can do!

discarded autumn leaves

you used to know me
remember?
it wasn't all that long ago
we were friends
I saw you last 
in late september
you looked the other way
and that's the way it ended

I'm not new at betrayal
it doesn't make me afraid
betrayal is practically
the way I was raised
so you ain't nothing
but a bunch of old memories
that I'm burning
like discarded autumn leaves

I'm supposed to say

I'm supposed to say
tomorrow's going to be a better day
but I can't conceive it
I don't believe it
I'm supposed to say
it's all going to be okay
but my parents didn't raise any fools
and I can tell what's coming up the road
if you're looking to find a little racism, brother
you've hit the mother lode

so take down that poster of Ghandi
tear down that Martin Luther King
spray paint over Cesar Chavez 
none of them mean a goddamned thing
toss away Barack Obama
burn those photos of Rosa Parks
give me that gun
and I mean it
something big is gonna start

this time I believe I've had it
I hope that you're catching my drift
if it's a war you're aiming for
let's get it over with
you kill our side
and we'll kill yours
and then we'll all be dead
there'll be no huimans
but planet earth  
will have better days ahead

so take down that poster of Ghandi...

high

nobody's gonna write me
nobody's gonna call
knock on my window
or pass me in the hall
nobody to say hello to
nobody to wave goodbye
might as well get high

nobody to talk to
'cept the voices in my head
I tried to change the station
but I think it changed me instead
don't tell me to calm down
I'll punch you in your fuckin' mouth
your brain will exit sideways
and your teeth be heading south

          nobody gonna write me...

I tried looking for hope
I said "hope, man, where you at"
hope said "boy, I can't help you
you're too Mexican and fat
the clock's been pushed back 
fifty or sixty years
let me give you some advice
get your brown ass out of here

          nobody gonna write me...

coconut

don't tell me
how I'm supposed to feel
don't tell me
your intentions are good
don't tell me
you're part of the family
you're not even welcome
in this neighborhood

          you're a coconut, baby
          you're a coconut, baby
          you ain't nothing but
          a backstabbing coconut

vote against
your own people
keep saying
up is down
keep believing
the shit you're reading
keep pretending
your skin ain't brown

          you're a coconut, baby
          you're a coconut, baby
          you ain't nothing but
          a motherfuckin' coconut

          so let me get this straight,
          my cousin
          you know that last name of yours
          it sure as hell didn't come
          from royal ancestors
          on english shores

          you're a coconut, baby
          you're a coconut, baby
          you ain't nothing but
          a judas-quoting coconut
          and you better start running
          before you get your fool ass shot

hope

there's a life
inside myself
that's trying to work
itself free
from all this anger
from all this hate 
from all the fear
that's choking me
clear my mind
of endless static
throw me out
a rescue rope
I know somewhere
in this wretched 
heart of mine
there is hope

I remember
every beating
every fist
every threat
I have ingested
drugs and drinking
but still somehow
I can't forget
clear my mind
of all these memories
another pill
another smoke
prove to me
that all's not broken
help me brother
give me hope

tonight I lay
alone in bed
like tomorrow's just
another day
but morning comes
and my aching head
only hears the echoes
of yesterday
clear my mind
of all the lies
I believed
all they spoke
show me that
it's not impossible
if you dare
give me hope

get myself a gun

I got a list
of chores I have to do today
hot coffee at dawn
later on mow the lawn
news to read and bills to pay
so I can't stay
gonna do what I say
and on the way
I gotta get myself a gun

the people have spoken
as is their historical right
lots of hate-filled folks
have cast their votes
and they want their country
white, white, white
I'm walking out that door
gonna drive to the store
buy something they can't ignore
I'm gonna get myself a gun

so go ahead
let the fun begin
I know it's time
I know what's on my mind
I know the darkness of my skin
and I know what's true
I'm watching everything you do
and I'm looking right at you
(let me memorize your face)
I'm gonna get myself a gun
I'm gonna get myself a gun
(yeah, you better start running)
I'm gonna get myself a gun

I'm watching everything you do

I want to see some buildings burn

I am so filled with hate.

I know, farmboy, I know. I'm sorry for all this.

You don't have to be sorry, man. I don't hate you. I don't hate white people. I...I hate that I live in a country where almost half the voters hate people like me who's skin is Brown.

Everybody's saying stay calm. Well, Fuck that shit. I want to see some buildings burn. I don't want deaths, but I'd enjoy seeing those Trump voters get really, really scared. I'm thinking I may have been too fuckin' naive. 

I'm thinking it may be time to get a gun.

I know, farmboy. I don't know what to say. I hope you don't get a gun. But I can't blame you if you do.

Thanks, man. You know, there's more than one reason to have a gun.

What does that mean?

Oh, it's just one of those fun facts you see on TV.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure. I'm just saying we live in troubled times, and my being brown, well...

good German

pretend that it's Berlin
in the 1930s
you would've made a good German
a silent mouth
when the country plays dirty
you would've made a good German
no ears to hear
no eyes to see
congratulations
on your loyalty
you would've made a good German

admit defeat
and hide away
you would've made a good German
contribute to
your own decay
you would've made a good German
mindless entertainment
at your fingers to choose
turn on the TV
but don't watch the news
you would've made a good German

go get a number
and forget your name
you would've made a good German
don't look at me
I'm just doing the same
being the good German
delete your conscience 
and pretend it's fine
we're heading toward
the finish line
you would've made a good German
I would've made a good German
we would've made good Germans

oh my God
what have we done

world no more

I got a razor blade
I got my father's gun
I got my bottle of pills
and I've only just begun
I can stand in the middle of the freeway
watch me walk out of the door
I don't want to live
in this world no more

I got a ticking bomb
inside my throbbing brain
and it's going to blow up
any hope that remains
you can save your breath and lectures
I've heard them all before
I don't want to live
in this world no more

teachers and preachers
family and friends
I hate to tell you
but this is how it ends
there's no bells or whistles
I'm always been easy to ignore
I don't want to live 
in this world no more
I don't want to live
in this world no more

a perfectly good asshole

I can't fuckin' believe
exactly how stupid you are
all you give others
is unending grief
you know, God wasted 
a perfectly good asshole
when He gave 
your mouth teeth
because all the shit you say
is gonna bite you
in the ass one day
and then down, down, down
you'll stay
down in the dumps
that's what you get
for voting for Donald...

I don't need anybody

it's okay
it's all right
you don't have to be sorry
I understand
I'm too sad
to put up a fight
nothing ever turns out
the way you plan
the fact is
I don't need anybody
I don't need anybody
I guess that's just how it goes
I don't need anybody
I don't need anybody
and that's all I know

it's fine
I will not fight
I'm experienced at
hearing rejection
sometimes I think
Darwin was right
and my failure's only
natural selection
telling me
I don't need anybody
I don't need anybody
it's the hand I was dealt
I don't need anybody
I don't need anybody
my problem is
I can't live with myself

there's nothing to say
nothing to do
I should've known better
to depend on you
there's nothing to do
nothing to say
I'll get out of your way
because
I don't need anybody
I don't need anybody
that's what I've been learning
my life long
I don't need anybody
I don't need anybody
I was hoping I was wrong

when I see my mail carrier

when I see my mail carrier
I want to marry her
because she brings my
unemployment checks
twice a month when I see my honey
she gives me money
what did you expect?
I'm one of those 
no-good-for-nothings
now, tell me something
that I don't know
I'm one of those mustache charlies
I'm not sorry
and I'll tell you so

I'm looking for adventure
this ain't new hampshire
or disneyland
I'm looking for something new
something to do
in this traffic jam
I'm on a forbidden highway
sinatra's my way
ringing in my ears 
you can say anything you want to
but I'm going to 
get away from here

when I see my mail carrier
there's nothing merrier
than welfare dough
I make a bank deposit
just because it's
so responsible
adios 
my friends and family
I know I'm rambling
but that's all right
I'm feeling faraway bound
inside this greyhound
it's a glorious night
good night

The worst way to live

Are you having a good night, man? What've you been up to? 

Not a whole lot, farmboy. Just waiting for this election to be over.

Me too. Though I find it fascinating and even entertaining in a way. And that's because I ignored everything for so long -- you know, the accident and the emotional shit -- and here we are. 

Here we are. It's a mess.

It's a fuckin' zoo, man. But I really hate the idea of being scared all the time, which some people understandably are. I mean, I've been afraid of everything all my fuckin' life, and it's the worst way to live. 

I don't know why I was always afraid growing up. And I still am. And I really want to stop all that fear unless it's necessary.

You're on your way, farmboy. I'm proud of you for working so hard. Wait till you see where this is all going to lead you.

What are you talking about, man?

You'll see.

potential verses for "judge, your honor"

I said
"hey judge baby
I do believe
you got something special
up those judicial sleeves"
she said
"hey baby I do declare
you got some brains
under your missing hair"

she banged the gavel
and the plaintiff came
we stood up 
we sat down
and he called my name
the beautiful judge said
what say ye
I said
"guilty in the first degree"

she said "little man
may I see you in my chambers?"
I confidently stepped inside
thinking I could tame her
but she kicked off both
of her high heel shoes
and said "little man
I got a lesson for you"

she looked like a showgirl
a dyed platinum blonde
almost like a commercial
when the TV's on