When I surprise myself

How did today go, farmboy?


Not bad. Not perfect, but in the right direction. It started out really confusing, in a way. Then I eventually started feeling guilty so I started doing stuff. Action. So it kinda snowballed for awhile but, fuck, I think I'm pleased for a first day. I can see, I can feel a little panic glancing around the corner, and I'm hoping I can do enough good, enough action to circumvent it.


So, not too fuckin' bad. But not perfect. I want perfect, but I gotta realize that I'm just starting, I just trying to figure out a way. I'm fumbling around in the fuckin' darkness sometimes, man. I'm always stumbling around. I carry a whole lot of failure on my back, you know, but there have been times when I surprise myself. I want this summer to be one of those times. It's important to me.


So I need to be on the lookout for things like depression, self-pity, feeling completely defeated. I can't afford to think those thoughts, man. Not now. There's too fuckin' much at stake here.


It sounds like you're giving yourself some good advice, farmboy. I'm proud of you. It's okay to have high expectations for yourself, but you really don't want to set unattainable goals. Just keep moving in the right direction, as you say. You'll see a payoff.


You know, that's where I'm placing my trust. I'm trusting that things will turn out right. Which isn't an excuse not to work or anything. Believe me, I ain't spending any money unnecessarily. But I need to trust that life will go okay. 'Cause right now...


...you can't afford to have a negative thought. 


Fuckin' bingo, man.