that final step/rewrite 1

he made the perfect plan
like he was going off to college
leaving home for the very first time
it took everything he had
every single scrap of knowledge
to be the victim of a victimless crime
he did all the research
lonely nights on the computer
interviews and articles and books
there wasn't any class
no way to hire a tutor
for the subject of the interest that he took
and when he was finished
he said there's nothing to it
he lit a match and inhaled
one last cigarette
but when it came the time
he found out he couldn't do it
he'd never figured out that final step

he drove to the gun store
to buy his chosen weapon
paid for it with his trusty visa card
then he walked inside the pharmacy
to fuel his Armageddon 
the Walgreens out on harbor boulevard
he stumbled to the corner
to mail his goodbye note
"so long everyone" was all it read
there was a couple teardrops
smudging the sentence that he wrote
but there was no mistaking what it said
and when he was finished
he felt beat up and tired
tuckered out from doing all the prep
but when it came the time
he was oddly uninspired
he'd never figured out that final step

I don't want to be desperate anymore

It's just getting worse, man. Everyday is more bad news. I am so fuckin' tired. I don't want to be desperate anymore. I want to be able to have a good night's sleep where I don't wake up at 4 a.m. worrying. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want this world to keep closing in around me.

Are you listening? Are you out there?

I'm listening, farmboy. I wish I could do something.

I don't know what I did to be punished...

farmboy, please. Don't blame yourself.

I'm too tired to argue. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything.

You don't need too apologize, farmboy.

I don't know what else to do, man.

Nothing helps

I'm back to feeling like shit again, man. I'm so angry, so fuckin' pissed off at the world. Fuck, man, nothing I do is right. And no matter what I fuckin' do, the problems just keep fuckin' coming, man, one after-a-fuckin'-other. You know the evil in this world, all the greed, the insurance companies, the fuckin' health system, the people that hold the fuckin' purse strings, man, they are all just fuckin' evil.

I'm sorry, farmboy. I know it's hard. We live in a cruel society.

So are you okay?

No.

No?

I think about suicide all the fuckin' time, and I'm tired of saying I won't do it. More and more it feels like a viable option at some point. More and more there's less hope. 

farmboy?

What?

What can I do to help?

Nothing, man. I'm beyond all help. I'm more than depressed. I'm desperately angry, man. Nothing is gonna help. I'm just a big fuckin' lethal ball of negativity and I'm beyond hope. Nothing helps. It just gets worse and worse and worse and fuck it, man, I really don't have anything to live for...

What about your niece? 

That's what's been keeping me here. I don't want to put her through a member of her family killing himself. I don't want to be that person. She's only six and she's curious about a lot of things. I'm not going to be the one to make her...well, I don't know what, but...

Why did you have to bring her up?

Because you love her and she loves you. That's all.

(sighs)  So what do I do, man? I'm so fuckin' tired.

Start with a couple of deep breaths, farmboy.

( farmboy breathes deep a few times, exhaling after each one)

I'm so tired, man...

I know, farmboy. It will be okay. But you've got to stick around so that can happen.

So what can happen?

I can't say, farmboy, because I don't know. But something will happen. I promise you it will.

And what if it doesn't?

farmboy...

I'm just so tired, man. So fuckin' tired...

you won't remember me/rewrite 4

you don't know my name
who I am
or what I do
I'm just a victim
on the network news
you've maybe seen my face
on the screen of your TV
you won't remember me

It doesn't matter where
some stranger with a plan
strength in his conviction
shotgun in his hand
finger on the trigger
pointed aimlessly
you won't remember me

I never will grow older
the future I won't see
never fall in love
or raise a family
I will only be a whisper
an aborted memory
you won't remember me

at the elementary school
at your local shopping mall
at Virginia Tech
Red Lake Band of Chippewa
at the movies in Aurora
Columbine
Littleton
and the list continues
on and on and on and on

and you don't know my name
or when I was alive
a silent echo
that did not survive
I'll barely be a footnote
on the edge of history
you won't remember me
you won't remember me
you won't remember...

dear friends

dear friends
I am sorry for my absence
but I was too sad to even speak
I thought it wouldn't take long
a few days
or, at the most, a single week
but I know now I was wrong
I just couldn't get along with myself
dear friends
I am sorry
that I couldn't be somebody else

I will never be your son

you are not my father
you are just the man who fucks my mom
and you have no right to hit me
I will never be your son
you're telling me to toughen up
you're going to show me how
what's it feel like on the other side?
who's the tough one now?

I'm not saying what I do is right
but I know that it's not wrong

(inspired by The Snowtown Murders, an Australian film)

January. It's fucked.

You know what I think is totally fuckin' useless? January. What a fucked month. My younger brother was born in January and that's the only good thing about January. The weather is always fuckin' gray and wet and cold and miserable and the month goes on waaaay too long.

What about Martin Luther King Day, farmboy?

Okay, man, you got me there. That's a good holiday. That's an important holiday. I like it because it gives teachers the chance to have the students explore the civil rights movement and their racist parents can't do a fuckin' thing about it. Plus he was a leader in civil rights and he believed in non-violence. Now there's a hero who deserves a holiday.

But the rest of January...man, it's just so fuckin' long! I mean, it never fuckin' ends, you know. It just creeps on by.

Another thing is that the school system pays us monthly, on the last day of school. Which means I get paid in the middle of December and then I don't get paid again till the end of January. It's fucked.

All right farmboy, I understand. What good is happening in your life?

Hey! I'm not through complaining, man! I have a right to whine!

Yes you do, farmboy. But you also have the right to feel good sometimes.

I know, man. Sometimes I just need to vent. Sorry, man.

(farmboy sits silently for a few seconds)

But January, man. January is so fucked.

that final step

he made the perfect plan
like he was going off to college
leaving home for the very first time
it took everything he had
every single scrap of knowledge
to be the victim of the perfect crime
he did all the research
lonely nights on the computer
interviews and articles and books
there wasn't any class
no way to hire a tutor
for the subject of the interest that he took
and when he was finished
he said there's nothing to it
he lit a match and inhaled
one last cigarette
but when it came the time
he found out he couldn't do it
he'd never figured out that final step

mistake

I have wasted my life
at two-bit jobs
at educational institutions
that take advantage
of their employees

the major mistake that I made
(out of way too many)
was believing
in the first place
that schools are for students

thankfully
I still make
that same mistake

Montreal, huh?

Man, I tell you, it is so cold. This morning it was, like, fuckin' 22 degrees or something. 

So it is literally freezing.

You got it. There's this prediction now of freezing rain but I'll believe it when I see it. Or rather, when I feel it. Maybe it'll snow and the powers that be will call off school, but I doubt we'll be that lucky.

Are you staying warm, man?

I've got a fire in the fireplace and some hot cocoa, farmboy. It's cozy and I've got nowhere to be but here. How about you?

I've got the heater on right now and it's warming up. I've been lying in bed under covers so I can conserve heat, but that's not working so great. It's just too fuckin' cold.

Well, look at it this way, farmboy. You could be in Montreal where the wind chill factor has been 45 below zero.

Wow! I can't even imagine what that feels like. Montreal, huh? I've been to Montreal. Stayed at the youth hostel there, in fact. It's a beautiful city. But that's way too cold for this farmboy, I tell you.

But right now I'm thinking about one thing...

What's that?

Now I want hot cocoa.

I got something wrong

Hey, man, I just wanted to let you know that I'm doing okay.

Glad to hear it, farmboy, What the hell happened?

I'm not fuckin' sure, man. I mean, I got some really fucked financial news. But my reaction, man...

Was scary?

Scared the fuckin' shit out of me. I don't know.  and fuck, man, I was thinking about fuckin' suicide. Not that I would do it. I don't think I would ever do it. 

This was like a fuckin' breakdown of some sort where everything built up, up to the point where it was making me physically ill. I had to take three days off work. Life was painful in all sorts of ways. Hot damn, man.

I need some help.

Yes you do. 

I gotta do some thinking about who and where and how.

Ask your doctor, farmboy.

Believe me, I will. 

non-fiction

I would like to live in non-fiction
instead of the stories that I tell myself
with my imaginary friends
as the means to an end
of finding someone who can help
I would like to live in the present
instead of following tomorrow's dreams
planning my escape
from my daily mistakes
casting my journey upstream

you won't remember me/rewrite 3

you don't know my name
who I am
or what I do
I'm just another victim
on the nightly network news
you may have seen my face
on the screen of your TV
you won't remember me

It doesn't matter where
some stranger with a plan
strength in his conviction
shotgun in his hand
finger on the trigger
pointed aimlessly
you won't remember me

I never will grow older
my future I won't see
I will never fall in love
or raise a family
I will only be a whisper
a broken hearted memory
you won't remember me

at the elementary school
your local shopping mall
at Virginia Tech
Red Lake Band of Chippewa
movies in Aurora
in Colorado
Littleton
and the list continues
on and on and on and on...

Dodge these bullets

I've been thinking too fuckin' much lately, man. I mean, I've always thought too much but lately...I'm just thinking and thinking about how I am such a failure, about how my life is hopeless, about how everything is fuckin' hopeless. I mean, we're born, we have a lousy childhood, we go to school to become stupid little sheep. And then we work the rest of our lives away so we can try to dodge these bullets like illness and taxes and insane people with feeble little minds. We create governments that just fuck us over...or rather, the fuckin' rich people, they create governments that fuck everybody in the fuckin' ass over and over and over. If we're lucky we meet somebody, but, fuck, I ain't lucky, man. I was born lonely and I'm gonna be lonely the rest of my life. Anyway, so we keep working and working and working at jobs where we're not appreciated, then we come home and watch the fuckin' television. Some of us get to have kids, which means we worry and worry and get kicked in the teeth for it. Then, if we're lucky we get to retire and people forget all about you 'cause you're old and in this society old is bad, man, so bad. Then you get some disease and then you die and it's painful and then you get fucked over in death by the fuckin' mortuary and the taxman, and, man, I just don't fuckin' know, man. You know what I mean?

I think you're right, farmboy.

Really, man?

Yes. You think way too much.

(sighs)  I know.

I am so fuckin' sad

I don't know, man. I just don't fuckin' know. I got problems with my stomach, my phone don't work, I'm so fuckin' isolated, and all I can think of is how life is passing me by. I am so fuckin' sad.

You're depressed, farmboy. You've been depressed for awhile now. 

Yeah, and I don't know if it will ever end.

It will.

I know. It always does. And then it comes back.

That's in the future, if it true. Don't think about that right now. Deal with the present, farmboy. I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you take on everything at once. Just focus on right now...

That's what I'm doing. And don't worry, man. I'm not even considering doing any harm to myself. I'm too tired for that. I'd rather go to bed and fall asleep. 

I'm not going to work tomorrow, so I don't have to worry about getting up in the morning. Which means that I can set my radio to the classical station and fall asleep to that.

How's your music going, farmboy?

It's not. I played one song yesterday and I played for about three minutes today. I just don't feel like playing. I'll play more tomorrow.

That's not like you, farmboy. I'm concerned.

Well, you know, I don't feel well physically. I don't think it's anything to be concerned about. I really don't. I'd know if it did. If I'm honest about anything, it's my music. It's just this thing I'm going through.

I wish I had some weed, but I can't even consider that because of the cost. It can't be a priority right now. But I'm sure that's adding to the depression. But, really, that's not the main consideration, believe it or not. I have more pressing matters, like my lack of money. It's two weeks to payday. Fuck.

Don't mind me, man. I'm sick and I'm tired and I'm depressed. Sleep sounds good.

Call me for any reason, farmboy. Any time, day or night. 

I will, man. Thanks. Don't worry. I'm fine. I'm just sick.

Call me.

I will. Good night.

All the constant worrying

Hey.

Hey yourself, farmboy. Where've you been? I haven't seen you in a couple of days and I was beginning to get worried. The last few times I've seen you things weren't going too well. They were going really bad, in fact...

That's why I thought I'd get in touch. 

So how are you?

I'm okay. I got home early from work because I wasn't feeling too good and I was afraid that I was coming down with this flu stuff that's going around. I've heard it's really fuckin' bad and I didn't want to infect anybody in case it was the flu. But I don't think it's the flu, man. I know I'd feel a lot worse if it were the flu.

So I went home sick and decided to try to feel well. I also decided to do one thing at a time and focus on that and to try to not worry about my financial life, or lack thereof. 'Cause I think that's what's making me sick, all the constant worrying. It messes with this ulcer thing that I have.

That doesn't surprise me, farmboy.

So here I am. So I'm taking it easy, mainly because I've been sleeping all day.

Anyway, man, I just thought I'd check in. How about you? Are you all right, man?

I'm just fine, farmboy. I'm glad you're staying away from the worrying and getting some good rest.

Which is what I'm going to continue to do. Have a good night, man.

voices

the voices in my head
need to calm down

but they won't

the pounding in my brain
needs to slow down

but it won't

so I'm stuck here
no one can hear me

and I think:
"what else is new?"

Jesus please

Jesus please
protect me from myself
I do not know what I'm gonna do
my mind has turned against me
and I ain't got no defense, see
and there's no word 
for this hell I'm going through
the atoms in my brain
are misfiring
and the end is nearing
for my mental health
I don't have no endurance
and there's no help from insurance
Jesus please
protect me from myself

I don't know where to move on to

I'm so fuckin' depressed, man. And I don't think it's ever gonna end.

It will, farmboy. Really, it will.

Yeah, yeah, I know. But that doesn't help right now. So I'm trying to just take it easy, you know, take a deep breath and all that crap. It's so fuckin' strange -- this, uh, thing just fuckin' possesses me and it escalates and I buy into it and...hilarity ensues!

I don't get it.

It's just a stupid cliche I learned from a screenwriter friend of mine. I'm trying to lighten this darkness up. It's not working, though. Pisses me off.

The most fun I have these days is sleeping. Lying in bed, listening to podcasts, falling asleep. Man, I tell you, that's the life. Depression, man, it's such a fuckin' killer, you know? And -- this is going to sound so negative -- I don't expect it to change. Things don't change. Let's move on...

Why?

Because I'm gonna get more and more negative. I'm gonna buy into it more and more and then get angry and I'm so fuckin' tired of getting angry. It never helps. I just need to accept that there is nothing I can do...See? I'm buying into it. I shouldn't even address it, you know? I want to move on, but I don't know where to move on to.

So here I am, lost and lonely like I've always been. Except for the music even though nobody listens to me. It's fucked. I need to fuckin' move on from this, man. What a fuckin' waste of time this is.

You know, there is one positive thing.

I'm glad to hear it, farmboy. I hope you're being serious. What is it?

I can play guitar again. I put medicine on my finger and my thumb and band-aided it and it healed! Believe me, I'm not taking it for granted. Playing guitar, man...I don't know how people go through life if they don't play music. Fuck, man, I'd be a fuckin' serial killer or something, you know?

It's great that you have that. A lot of people don't have anything.

Yeah. Even though I'm depressed as hell and I have no fuckin' reason to live (laughs) I'm still thankful to have music. Man, I wish people liked it and I could make a little money from it. But, of course, it's still a wonderful skill to have.

I can't wait to get to the other side of this stuff, man.

You will, farmboy. Trust me.

Man, I hope so. I fuckin' hope so.

Not on purpose

How you doin', man?

farmboy! How are you doing? Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. A little shaky, maybe. I've been sleeping a lot. I cut my finger yesterday, so I can't really play guitar, which is a fuckin' drag, since that's my way of fighting back against the evil in my life, y'know? But I'm okay. You?

I'm good. I'm glad you called. You're not hurting yourself, are you?

Not on purpose. (laughs)  I've got a finger and a thumb that can hurt like fuckin' hell if I don't watch it, but they're wrapped in band-aids. My pre-ulcer condition thingy is acting up, which it's been doing a lot lately on account of all the stress. It's fuckin' cold outside. man, like in the 20s, but I'm inside using up heat that I can't afford, but I'll worry about that next month with the bills come in. But I'm okay.

Listen, man, thanks for all your help and thanks for listening. It's good to have somebody I can actually talk to. You're, like, the only one, man. Not that nobody else cares. I just don't want to spread my poison around.

You can talk to people, you know. There are people who love you and care about you, farmboy.

I know. I almost called the coffeehouse to talk to somebody, but...I don't know,, man, I just don't want too subject them to me when I'm like this. It's hard. I've been isolating myself a lot. I don't know what I can do about it. I have to watch these phone minutes, though. The phone I normally use is broken, so it's like I'm on this little island all by myself. Except for you, thankfully. 

Listen, man, I just wanted to check in. I'm okay. The magic elves with money and marijuana haven't shown up at my door, but I'm okay. (laughs)

Call if you need me, farmboy. Any time, day or night.

Thanks, man. I'm gonna go eat some leftover lentil soup. Want some?

I'm all right, but thank you.

No, man. Thank you. Thanks for being my friend, man. I need friends.

Zero to fuckin' ten

Yesterday was the worst fuckin' day, man, and I fuckin' lost it and I still haven't recovered, man.

You showed me what you wrote, farmboy, and I've been concerned. What happened?

I don't want to talk about it. 

You need to talk about it, farmboy. I've seen you. I know you. You never want to talk about anything that affects you this way. And that's not good. It's not healthy. You hold in what hurts you and then you explode. And the person you hurt most is yourself.

So what is this about, farmboy?

Now it doesn't seem like a big deal...

farmboy...

It was financial, of course. Take away music and it's always about money. That, apparently, is all I'm good for.

That's not true.

Okay, look, man. I went to the food bank and got some stuff. It had finally come down to this. I went to the fuckin' food bank, man. That's how...you know, I hate to say poor, but...I had to go to the food bank.

So I come home. And there's one piece of mail. And so I open it and it's a fuckin' bill for $205.00. It's from the medical supply place that I had to go through for a piece of equipment that I needed. And here I am, a poor person, for lack of a better word. (laughs)  I'm fuckin' financially challenged, man.

So I get on my cell phone -- one of those pay-for-minutes cell phones that you buy at Walgreen's for, like, ten dollars. I I have it because I can't afford a real cell phone. But anyway, I get on this cell phone because my landline died. And I call the insurance company. I'm worried about using up those minutes, you know. I call up the fuckin' company and they give me the fuckin' runaround and I get so angry, man. I fuckin' lose it and I'm an asshole to these people.

Who are giving you the runaround and not giving you adequate answers...

Well, yeah. But I should be nice 'cause it's not their problem.

So I get off the phone and I fuckin' explode. I started hitting this chair and I'm just fuckin' so mad. And I say to God to fuckin' do something and help me. So, of course, now I've got this guilt coming out. Then I start thinking about whether God exists and I start think about atheism and then I start thinking about suicide.

Jesus, farmboy...

See, man? See what happens? I go from zero to fuckin' ten in the blink of an eye. It's like something possesses me, and there's all this fuckin'...adrenaline or something. Something physical, something inside. I don't know how to describe it, man. 

So what did you do?

I'm not sure. I calmed down, but it took a big, long while. Actually, I think I'm still in it. I wanna say it's like that feeling like I've been beaten up, but I'm not sure that's how I should describe it. 

Are you aware, farmboy, that you're talking in terms of...well, violence...

All that got beat up is a metal chair, man.

And you talk about feeling beaten up. And you've talked about that before.

I have this thing, man, since I was a little kid. It's like I don't know what I'm gonna do with all this fuckin' rage so I naturally want to hurt myself in a physical matter...

"Naturally?" farmboy, there's nothing natural about it. You didn't come out of your mother's womb wanting to harm yourself.

I don't know where that comes from. I just get so fuckin' mad, man. It used to be worse. I used to bang my head, hard. 

But I don't want to talk about it.

farmboy...

That's a whole other conversation, man. I've got enough stuff without bringing that in the conversation we're having.

What time is it?

Do you have somewhere to go?

No, I just...it's late. Or early, depending on how you look at it. (turns to the computer and looks at the time)  Fuck, man, it's after five in the morning! I guess I can't sleep anyway. It's a good thing it's the weekend. 'Cause if it wasn't I'd have to go to my stupid job so I can earn money so I can make these people -- the insurance companies, the medical system, the banks -- so I can make them richer, 'cause it seems like that's my fuckin' purpose in life. I mean, nobody wants to hear my music. 

A lot of people like your music, farmboy.

I wouldn't say a lot. I would say a very, very small group of people with very questionable musical taste...

I get bitter, man. If I choose to live, I've gonna be a bitter old man. Especially since nothing ever fuckin' happens in this pathetic little inconsequential life of mine.

Hey farmboy...

See what happens, man? It's like there's fuckin' poison in my blood and it infects everything around me and inside me. You better watch yourself, man. You don't want to end up like me.

I'll take my chances.

Anyway...fuck, man, I don't know what to say.

Call me later, farmboy. I think you need to try to get some sleep.

I won't be able to think, man. Plus I just had a cup of coffee.

At five in the morning?

I like coffee.

Is there anything that would help?

Weed. Marijuana would be very, very beneficial. But of course I don't have any. Because I can't fuckin' afford it, of course.

I wish I could help you out.

I appreciate that, man.

Try to get some rest, farmboy. See if you can think about something else -- anything else -- and you need to get some sleep.

Call me later, all right? I just want to know that you're okay.

I will, man.

Promise, farmboy? Can you promise me that you won't hurt yourself?

Oh, I won't hurt myself. Don't worry.

Promise me you'll call if you feel like you're going to do yourself harm.

I'm not gonna hurt myself. I feel a little better now that I've expressed myself. Usually Ii don't and I feel like my head is gonna explode, 'cause it can't hold all the poison inside it.

Call me, farmboy.

I promise I'll call you if I decide to hurt myself, okay? But I'm all right. Really. Thanks for listening, man. You're a good friend.

Get some sleep.

I will. Talk to you later, man.

considering: atheism and suicide

I'm thinking:

maybe god does not exist
maybe god is just a lie 
'cause I pray
and none of it does any good
my words to god just passes by
so maybe there is no god
and maybe there is no sense
in continuing this life
this living in the present tense
maybe any good I've done
is worth nothing to anyone

okay god
do something 
answer me 
prove to me that you exist
there must have been something
instruction that I have missed
I do not know what I can do
the truth is not there to see
oh my god
what have I done
why have you forsaken me
why have you forsaken me
why have you forsaken me

today I have no pride

today I have no pride
I'm going to the food bank
because eating is now a luxury
I can't afford
I have a full time job
but I still can't make it
I still can't make it
I'm in hock
to insurance companies
to fuckin' financial institutions
they take almost everything
and this month
I have no money 
for food
or gasoline
still,
I wake up every fuckin' morning
and go to my fuckin' job
(I know --
at least I have a job
I should be fuckin' grateful)
so I can give these people
more money
they can never have enough

this fuckin' capitalistic system
is not working for me

Stone soup

So I think my coworkers are concerned that I don't have any money for much food, so they've been giving me stuff. Like, I mentioned that I had bought lentils and that I was going to make lentil soup for the first time. So one brought me a big ham bone with a good bit of ham still on it. Another gave me some dried chestnuts for the soup. Somebody had brought in a vegetable tray at work, so I took what was left over and put all that into the soup...

Sounds like a pretty good soup, farmboy.

It was fuckin' great, if I do say so myself. And you know I'm a lousy cook.

I've had your cooking, farmboy. That's not true.

Well, you know, (laughs) I do these experiments that go awry sometimes, man. 

But wait! There's more! Today another coworker gave me, like, half a pound of bacon. And I never buy bacon. I try to not eat much red meat. And I'm trying to not eat much meat, for health reasons and financial reasons. 

So I fried up the bacon and threw that in the soup. It is so fuckin' nice that these people are so generous. This is like the world's best soup, man. 

I bet it is. Vegetables, ham, chestnuts. It's like that old stone soup story.

Oh yeah! I heard that as a kid. It is like that, you know? 

Except mine has bacon.

Weight off my shoulders

Man, I am so fuckin' tired of all this fuckin' shit. I've got no money, I'm horribly in debt, I don't know how to get my music out there, I dread getting up in the morning to go to my stupid job, and there's no end in sight. I've got too much to do, stuff that I don't like.

I'm sorry about all that, farmboy, but you know that most people have the very same problems.

They don't know how to get their music out there?

You know what I mean.

I do, actually. I'm just frustrated, like most people. It's called venting. That's why I'm complaining.

What's the worst of all your problems?

They're all connected in one way or another. But the most pressing is having no money for things like food and gasoline. Not to mention weed.

Are you out of marijuana, farmboy?

Almost. And saying that, that's not the priority here, really. Food and gasoline are the big things, man. To be honest, I think that it's probably a good idea to cut down on the weed. But I still like it and I still get a lot out of it. I'd like it to be a more part-time thing.

The stuff that I've stopped buying has been luxury items. No more diet Pepsi, marijuana, very little meat...let me see what else. No entertainment, but that's okay. I've got the guitar and the internet and the library. I read a lot, man. And that's a good thing. Also, I've been writing a lot.

I've noticed. Good for you.

Okay, man. I feel a little better now. I can breathe again.Thanks for letting me get these fuckin' things off my chest, the fuckin' weight off my shoulders.

Anytime, farmboy. I'll send the bill in the mail.

(laughs)  Yeah, and fuck you Mr. Interviewer guy.

other people

a good life is for other people
the ones who take it for granted
it ain't for poor people like me
with roots remaining unplanted
travel and adventure
breaking the rules
are not for me and mine
everything good is for other people
I am left behind

peace of mind is for other people
worrying is for me
it doesn't matter what side you're on
when tragedy is all you see
they say we are only atoms
floating free in the universe
I say I'm only human
I don't know which one is worse

haiku of correction

everybody wants
to pretend I'm not here
but I know they're wrong 

Don't let me give up

So what I did is call the contact for the non-music job and tell him that I'm not available. I haven't felt guilty yet. I mean, there's gotta be some way to make, say, fifty dollars a week. That's not asking too much. Is it?

Of course not, farmboy. You've got the musical skills. What you need is confidence and nerve and a way to learn how to get those gigs.

And how do I get confidence? I've tried all my life to be confident. And sometimes I am. But it's so fuckin' hard, dude. How the fuck do I start?

You may have to just fake it for a while.

Yeah. I guess. 

Trust me, farmboy. You can do this. You can make money with music. You don't have to live the way you've been living.

And what way is that?

You don't have to live in poverty. You can get out of debt. You can enjoy your life.

But what if I fail? I'm always failing.

Stop it.

(starts to cry)  But it's true, man. I've always been a fuckin' failure.

Please don't use that word.

Why?

Because you're not a failure. You keep trying. You don't give up. I've seen you in action, farmboy. You're a smart guy. You'll figure out a way.

What if I don't?

You will.

How do you know?

Because you don't give up.

Maybe that's just stubbornness.

Maybe it's because you're a true musician.

That's what I want in life, man. But is it possible?

You're already there, farmboy.

Man, I hope you're right.

I am.

I need this, man. Help me. Don't let me give up.

You won't.

How do you know?

(frustrated)  You're going around in circles, farmboy. 

I'm sorry. But I've failed so much before...

I think you're trying to protect yourself, farmboy. You can do this.

You sure sound sure of yourself, man.

I've been around you long enough to know that you're a lot braver than you think.

I'm glad you think so. I don't feel like that a lot of the time.

I know. That's why I'm here.

Thanks, man. 

My pleasure.

No. Unfortunately.

So, man, I got a chance to work on weekends.

Is it music related, farmboy?

No. Unfortunately.

Is it something you want to do?

No. Unfortunately.

So why are you considering doing it?

Because I'm in desperate need of money all the fuckin' time, man.

Could you do something else that has to do with music?

I can do lots of things. I can play for kids, I can play for old people. I can play at churches, at libraries, at schools. And I can even play all these songs I've written. I know how to perform. I can play instrumentally at coffeehouses, bars, art exhibits. I've played at festivals, I've played concerts. I've taught songwriting and played at hospitals. I've taught music to little kids. I'm going to teaching guitar soon.

But I'm always such a fuckin' failure...

Stop there, farmboy. Don't even start.

What am I gonna do, man?

You've got some thinking to do, I suppose.

I suppose I do.

gift card trader joe's

gift card
trader joe's 
what to buy
I don't know
there's the stuff
I always get
and there's the stuff
I haven't yet
Irish butter
apricot jam
these could be part
of the human I am
potstickers
veggie or pork
delicacies on
the edge of my fork
tropical coffees
imported beers
cherries and chocolate
corn on and off ears
but I can't afford
what I need to buy
so hello necessities
adventure
goodbye