Nothing helps

I'm back to feeling like shit again, man. I'm so angry, so fuckin' pissed off at the world. Fuck, man, nothing I do is right. And no matter what I fuckin' do, the problems just keep fuckin' coming, man, one after-a-fuckin'-other. You know the evil in this world, all the greed, the insurance companies, the fuckin' health system, the people that hold the fuckin' purse strings, man, they are all just fuckin' evil.

I'm sorry, farmboy. I know it's hard. We live in a cruel society.

So are you okay?

No.

No?

I think about suicide all the fuckin' time, and I'm tired of saying I won't do it. More and more it feels like a viable option at some point. More and more there's less hope. 

farmboy?

What?

What can I do to help?

Nothing, man. I'm beyond all help. I'm more than depressed. I'm desperately angry, man. Nothing is gonna help. I'm just a big fuckin' lethal ball of negativity and I'm beyond hope. Nothing helps. It just gets worse and worse and worse and fuck it, man, I really don't have anything to live for...

What about your niece? 

That's what's been keeping me here. I don't want to put her through a member of her family killing himself. I don't want to be that person. She's only six and she's curious about a lot of things. I'm not going to be the one to make her...well, I don't know what, but...

Why did you have to bring her up?

Because you love her and she loves you. That's all.

(sighs)  So what do I do, man? I'm so fuckin' tired.

Start with a couple of deep breaths, farmboy.

( farmboy breathes deep a few times, exhaling after each one)

I'm so tired, man...

I know, farmboy. It will be okay. But you've got to stick around so that can happen.

So what can happen?

I can't say, farmboy, because I don't know. But something will happen. I promise you it will.

And what if it doesn't?

farmboy...

I'm just so tired, man. So fuckin' tired...