I don't know where to move on to

I'm so fuckin' depressed, man. And I don't think it's ever gonna end.

It will, farmboy. Really, it will.

Yeah, yeah, I know. But that doesn't help right now. So I'm trying to just take it easy, you know, take a deep breath and all that crap. It's so fuckin' strange -- this, uh, thing just fuckin' possesses me and it escalates and I buy into it and...hilarity ensues!

I don't get it.

It's just a stupid cliche I learned from a screenwriter friend of mine. I'm trying to lighten this darkness up. It's not working, though. Pisses me off.

The most fun I have these days is sleeping. Lying in bed, listening to podcasts, falling asleep. Man, I tell you, that's the life. Depression, man, it's such a fuckin' killer, you know? And -- this is going to sound so negative -- I don't expect it to change. Things don't change. Let's move on...

Why?

Because I'm gonna get more and more negative. I'm gonna buy into it more and more and then get angry and I'm so fuckin' tired of getting angry. It never helps. I just need to accept that there is nothing I can do...See? I'm buying into it. I shouldn't even address it, you know? I want to move on, but I don't know where to move on to.

So here I am, lost and lonely like I've always been. Except for the music even though nobody listens to me. It's fucked. I need to fuckin' move on from this, man. What a fuckin' waste of time this is.

You know, there is one positive thing.

I'm glad to hear it, farmboy. I hope you're being serious. What is it?

I can play guitar again. I put medicine on my finger and my thumb and band-aided it and it healed! Believe me, I'm not taking it for granted. Playing guitar, man...I don't know how people go through life if they don't play music. Fuck, man, I'd be a fuckin' serial killer or something, you know?

It's great that you have that. A lot of people don't have anything.

Yeah. Even though I'm depressed as hell and I have no fuckin' reason to live (laughs) I'm still thankful to have music. Man, I wish people liked it and I could make a little money from it. But, of course, it's still a wonderful skill to have.

I can't wait to get to the other side of this stuff, man.

You will, farmboy. Trust me.

Man, I hope so. I fuckin' hope so.