Trusting my own species

So how'd it go?

Went well. Went very well, really. I wasn't bitter and I wasn't obsessed with the stuff that had happened before. I did think, at one point, that it's pretty easy to not feel super awkward when the folks you think you've had problems with are all oblivious to it all because you never let your feelings be known.

I am so fuckin' wordy.

Here's just an observation...

Opinion.

I think, if you could, you would just edit and rewrite everything, especially your own life.

Well, who wouldn't?

How was the performance itself?

Good. I only made one mistake, which was leaving out this thing I do with hitting two harmonics simultaneously. But nobody knows that that's how it's supposed to go 'cause that's the way I hear it in my mind. So it wasn't really a mistake. It was an omission. I'm no Ry Cooder, you know?

So, was it a successful night, in your opinion? Are you glad you went?

I'm glad I went.

The, um...the thing is, I'm so fuckin' hungry for friendship, for people to care about me, and for people for me to care about.

This one friend of mine hugged me, I mean really hugged me. And I kinda just...I kinda rested my head on his shoulder and he hugged me again and I felt like I was a little kid. He may have even tousled my hair. (laughs) I mean, it wasn't any kind of, like, sexual thing or something. It was so innocent. I mean, it was really like being this unloved lonely little kid and then you were actually accepted. And I felt like I was hugged by people all day long. Because I was. And I'm not used to that, I mean...I hadn't seen friends hardly at all since early December and I was fuckin' starving for affection. And...I'm not used to being open to it. And I needed it, I needed to be accepted by other human beings. And I'm not sure I've ever trusted my own species, you know? I get along better with dogs.

It scares me, you know?

I bet.

Fuck, I'm so fuckin' lonely. I have friends and I can't really accept their friendship, it's so hard for me to open up myself. And I was guarded all day long to a small extent. But then when I got hugged by my friend, I...I kinda opened myself up.

Man, I'm so fuckin' messed up inside. I used to have this fantasy -- I haven't thought about this in years -- that I was in a room with everybody who ever meant anything to me and they all took turns hugging me, I mean really hugging me. And I would start crying like I would never stop crying. And there was the feeling that it could never be enough.

And, the thing is, I'm not much of a hugger or a cryer...

I've seen you cry.

Yeah, but you see me when I'm at my most vulnerable. I'm not this way with anybody else. Plus, you haven't seen me cry that much.

Okay, it's rare. But there's nothing wrong with it, you know. But if you want, I'll never bring it up again.

Oh, I don't give a shit. I already pour out my soul to you. I always end up whining when I talk with you.

No you don't. What you do is you end up feeling.

(hangs head down) I am so tired.

I know, farmboy. You've had a busy day. I'm proud of you.

(surprised) Why?

Because you're a lot braver than you'll ever know. Plus, you're a good guy.

(whispers) Thanks.

I'm serious.

I know. Thanks.