We human beings

Let me tell you about my night tonight.

How was it?

Good. You'll be proud of me --

I'm already proud of you.

And don't think I don't appreciate it. But anyway, I met a friend of mine for coffee about 4:30 and we talked for two and a half hours. And it's been a real long time since I've done that kind of thing, you know? That was great. Then I went home and got a phone message from another friend that he has some weed for me to buy, plus brownies. He makes the strongest brownies I've ever had.

So anyway, he's at this music venue manning the door, so I meet him there and stay the whole night. It was cool being an audience member. No pressure. Friends of mine played and other friends were there and...you know, I have problems being social...

You don't trust your own species.

Uh, yeah. But we human beings, we're social animals, and that can kinda piss me off if I think about it too long. We need each other. And that's interesting for me because...I'm kinda scared of people, you know.

Scared?

I think so. I know so. I'm scared of lots of things, and human beings --

You say that like you're an alien. Not people but human beings.

(ignores remark) Human beings -- that's number one on the list of what I'm afraid of. After that, in no particular order, I'm afraid of heights, driving over bridges, performing...even though once I'm up there I'm generally fine and once in a while I get in the...the zone of performing when you realize, when you feel powerful. And in huge, huge ways I feel powerless in my own life.

I have a fear of being out of tune. (laughs) I have a fear of not being perfect. I walk on eggshells for most of my daily life. I second guess myself constantly. I'm obsessive/compulsive and I have this thing called scrupulosity which is basically OCD with, like, religious rituals. And I was raised Roman Catholic. which is ritual upon ritual upon ritual.

I am afraid of illness, physical and mental. And I know that I'm mentally ill. I've known it all my life. And it sucks, because you're never a child and you never grow up. It's fucked. I can't believe that I am telling you this. I always end up telling you things that I didn't plan.

You don't get to rewrite your life, farmboy. Your life is not a song lyric.

Oh, you're wrong there, motherfucker, el fuckin' chingaso. Everything is a song lyric.

You still don't get to rewrite your life. It's always happening.

Yeah, yeah. All I know is that I keep telling stuff and...I can't believe I keep doing that, telling you these feelings, you know. These fuckin' feelings.

Oh, come on. I bet it's a relief sometimes to talk about this stuff. Look, you spent two and a half hours having conversation with a friend. I bet you were just plain thirsty for that kind of human contact.

(softly) Yeah, I guess I was . I guess I am. 'Course there is all this conversation with you --

Which we try not to analyze. Right?

I'm beginning to accept it. Which reminds me; I need to check out My Dinner With Andre from the library. So I can get an example of how to correctly do this extended conversation thing, this interview.

I think you're doing fine without role models

Yeah, well, I'd feel more cultured

I'm proud of you for spending times with friends. I'm glad to see you have friends. You know what?

No. What?

You need to go out and play.

(sighs) Oh man, don't I know it.