Promise

Man oh man I hate going to bed on Sunday nights.

What did you do today?

I spent money. I put gas in the truck and bought some groceries. I (pauses) didn't eat the other brownie from my friend. Those motherfuckers are strong, man. I woke up still loaded from the night before. I gotta watch that kind of stuff. I mean, thankfully I didn't have to really do much today, because that shit just kept goin'. I mean, the fuckin' brownie was like the Energizer Bunny of pot, you know? It just kept goin' and goin'...

There was some stuff I was gonna tell you, but I forgot what it was. Seems like lately I keep thinking of things to tell you, but then I forget them, I move on to other stuff.

That's okay. Your mind is working, you're learning new things about yourself...

Well, that's debatable. I don't know if I've learned anything.

You like learning. I know that about you.

How do you know that?

You spend all night on the internet, looking up subjects you're interested in. You read, you listen to podcasts and radio shows and music...I've seen you really listen to music...

Listening, man, is like silence: Both are severely underrated. Listening is an art. Silence might be an art, too, but I've never thought much about it.

Okay, I like learning. As long as I'm interested in the subject and I don't have to sit in some fuckin' classroom.

So you're learning about yourself. You just don't know you are, because you're in that learning process and this is pretty emotional stuff...

Hey, I remember what I was gonna talk with you about. It was about all this social stuff, about my discomfort being around people.

Discomfort is putting it lightly.

I was thinking about how I didn't really have many friends growing up. I mean, we're talking about years with no friends, like in high school. Or very few friends, and very very few close friends. And here I was, I was scared. (speaks softly) Can I tell you something?

Sure. Anything.

I was more comfortable around girls because I was always afraid of other guys. My older brother once told me that that didn't surprise him, because --

Because?

Oh, man. Let's not talk any more.

Wait, farmboy. It's okay. You're okay.

Because?

Um...my brother said it didn't surprise him because I grew up with a, um. a...

Oh man...

You're okay. You're safe. Farmboy, you grew up with...

With a cruel father and a cruel brother. Okay, but look, that's my brother talkin', man, that's not me. I ain't gonna wave no child abuse banner around...

No one's asking you to.

I loved my father. I love my father. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my father truly loved me, he loved all of us.

Look, it's okay. You're just reporting what your brother told you.

But I feel so dirty, so guilty...

Guilty?

Look, I don't want to blame no one, nowhere, no how, okay?

Can we...can we talk about this later? Oh, man, what am I gonna do?

Farmboy...

Man oh man oh man, what have I gotten myself into now. I gotta...man, I don't know... (starts to cry) Help me. Oh, man...

Hey, farmboy, you're safe, I'm here.

No, man, I am evil.

Evil?

Oh, man, if you only knew...

Only knew what?

Man, I can't believe I said that...

Said what?

I can't believe I pointed fingers at people who are not bad people. You know. it's that human being thing, you know, we make mistakes and those were different times and I'm being dramatic, that's what it is. I am lying. I am sinful and I am evil --

NO! STOP!

What? Wait...

NO! Take a deep breath. You're forgetting to breathe! Just stop, calm down...

(takes several deep breaths) Uhhhh... I'm really tired all of a sudden.

I really would like to talk about this later, okay? I'm sorry I yelled at you. I am really concerned about you, farmboy.

Man, I am going to feel completely beat up...

You seriously need to be kind to yourself, and if you can't be kind then I will be kind for you. You're going to see and hear me being kind to you and you're going to learn how to be kind to yourself. Got that? Understand?

Man, I don't know...

You are going to be okay. I promise.