Monster or something

You're back home!

Yep.

How're you feeling, farmboy?

Physically?

Yes.

A good deal better.

Good. This illness of yours lasted a long time.

It's been over two weeks.

How was the babysitting?

It was good. My niece is a sweetheart who likes sugary things. We went to hear some kids' music and we watched Monsters Inc. Which was really, really good.

But, you know, I felt like I was fighting off sadness a lot of the time.

Why is that?

Because I can get this sad feeling when I'm around kids.

Wait. Explain?

It's hard to describe. There's a fear of death in there...

A fear of death?

Yeah, but wait, there's more. There's these intense feelings of guilt in there, from when I was a child. Which is so fuckin' stupid. I mean, I was a kid, but there was a lot of things that were amazingly screwed up. And this is not some child abuse thing. It's like I kinda carried the world on my shoulders. I was too fuckin' sensitive.

But there's even more. I have this outrageous...well, self-hatred, self-loathing, of myself as a child. Oh, God...

What's up, farmboy?

Oh, man, I can't talk about this stuff. But...

But what, farmboy?

The thing is, I feel like...let's give this stuff characters.

Characters?

Bear with me here. It's like all this negative stuff is...like, some kind of monster or something and it goes after me and prevents me from really living my life. Wait, that's putting it way too mild. It's like it's attacking everything in my life and...it's like I'm going "You can't have my niece. You can't have my niece!

Fuck, man, I have no idea on how to explain it. Pisses me off.

It's a feeling. It's not concrete.

I know, but, fuck. I was just a fuckin' child who always felt he was evil.

Excuse me, farmboy, but what the fuck are you talking about?

Hey, you're serious here. You're cussin' and shit...

Farmboy, I'm here to help you. And it pisses me off that somewhere inside you hate the child you were and that you've thought of yourself as evil.

(quietly) I know.

What happened to you?

Oh, man, I don't know. I've been to counselors and therapists and doctors and psychologists and I've been on medications and, fuck, I don't know if I'll ever be able to figure it out. But I want it gone, man. No child should have to go through that stuff.

I...I think all of this stuff is real important, but can we talk more at another time?

Are we getting too close...

...To some nerve or something? I don't think so. Okay, maybe, but just a little. I'm just mainly tired. But I just thought you should know this stuff.

Thanks. I'm glad you told me. I can help you with this.

That's what I was hoping.