This is what I do

I went to see my psychologist a couple hours ago.

How was it, farmboy? I bet you had a lot to talk about. Are you finding it productive?

Actually, yeah. Yeah. I'm finding it real productive, man. He gives me a lot to think about. Right now we're talking about all the defenses I've developed over the years to avoid getting close to people. And how I need to confront them instead of just obeying. Which, by the way, is my word.

Obeying?

That's the one. That's what I do, and this ain't my psychologist talking here, this is me. This is what I do: My mental illness says "jump" and I fuckin' obey.

You know, when I had that mental breakdown thingy earlier in my life, that was because I didn't obey. I fought back. And I've been fighting ever since. That sounds way melodramatic, but it's actually true. Every fuckin' day I fight against this mental illness.

So what my psychologist says is that I should confront this...thing and say or think something like "You don't need to do that anymore."

Man, I got gotta tell you, this is all sounding real.lame, the way I'm telling it. I'm leaving out all this specific stuff. I don't know if I should call this voice inside me mental illness, either. I'm oversimplifying everything.

And that's okay, farmboy. You just got back from seeing your psychologist. As you said, he gives you a lot to think about. You're probably still internalizing everything you two talked about.

Internalizing? What the fuck does that mean?

You're still digesting everything. Intellectually speaking.

That's true, man. I'm trying to figure out what it all means. But, you know, I wanted to tell you for my sake. I guess I kinda wanted a witness so I wouldn't forget all that went down with my psychologist this morning.

Quick, farmboy. Tell me about what he said in one sentence. One...two...three...go!

Okay. What my psychologist said to me was that the inside voice I hear warning me and telling me things -- what I referred to earlier as mental illness -- is a defense to keep me from getting close to people.

Fuck, that's a long sentence. But it's the best I can do right now.