To a severe degree

So how was today, farmboy?

It was...better than yesterday in that I didn't sink completely down in despair. It took a good amount of work. What I have learned about myself is that I have these mental problems and I get stuff tangled up in them and they come out...fuck, I don't know, I just completely...overreact emotionally and it's part of the depression or whatever you want to call it. I mean, everything is filtered through this depression and then it escalates. It's actually worse if I'm away from home, too. I went out yesterday and by the time I got home I was in this state, you know, just angry and bitter to a severe degree.

Wow. You're really thinking about this stuff.

Oh man, I am just trying to figure it out. I've been trying to figure it out for years. I've spent my whole fuckin' life trying to figure myself out. It's fuckin' tough. I really don't want to be some kind of victim, and so many problems are of my own making. But beyond that are these mental, these emotional problems that fuckin' enslave me like you wouldn't believe.

I don't know if I'm making any sense.

Sure you are.

Fuck, I...I wish I had some weed. Man, I wish I had some pot. See, this is what pisses me off, I can't fuckin' get medical marijuana but it really does fuckin' help with these emotional problems.

Ever been to a doctor for this, farmboy?

I've gone, off and on, to counselors and therapists since I was about nineteen. I have been on antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs for a long time. Right now I'm on Effexor and Bupropion (I'm not sure if that's the exacts name, but it's something like that), plus I have Clonazapam for anxiety.

Are you seeing a therapist right now?

No. I can't afford it. Last year my co-payments fuckin' quadrupled. Thanks, insurance companies. Fuckin' assholes, lowest of the low, making their fuckin' profits from the misfortune of others.

Actually, I think I misspoke. The lowest of the low may be these priests who rape and molest children, and the church officials that cover it up. But I digress.

What are you gonna do?

Try to lay low. Try to figure out this summer, financially. Try to take care of myself...

Good.

Try to get some kind of music business going on for myself. Oh, man, I'm sure writing a lot, though. Musical creativity -- actually, any kind of creativity -- fuck, that feels like it can save everything sometimes. I mean, when musical creativity works...there ain't nothin' finer, I can tell you that.

That's so good to hear. I'm looking forward to hearing these new songs.

Writing is a great thing. Thank God for writing.

And for creativity.

Creativity! Where's the wine? I'll drink to that!